Heller’s Decision

by JD Nixon

  “Yeah, well, I guess having sex every day is going to do that for a guy like you, no matter who it’s with.”

  “It’s not just the sex, though I won’t deny that it’s important for a ‘guy like me’. In truth though, I could have sex with any woman, but none of them would give me what you give me.”

  I looked away again. “I don’t have anything special to give anyone.”

  This time I didn’t scoot away when he moved a little closer – close enough for his outstretched fingers to stroke the back of my neck. “Yes, you do. You give me you – Matilda Chalmers. Twenty-six years old, a complete disaster as an employee, a whole pile of trouble, loving, warm-hearted, generous, smart, and . . .”

  I waited. “And what?”

  “And with an amazing pair of breasts.” His eyes lingered on those primly hidden treasures, though my shirt had grown translucent with the water, so he was probably copping more than an eyeful.

  I smiled reluctantly. “Stop it, you old perv.”

  “Matilda,” he leaned in closer, his other hand resting on my thigh. “Come with me to my bedroom. We can finish talking about all this there.”

  I snorted my disbelief. “Right! Because that’s what we’ll do – talk.”

  His hand crept further up my thigh. “We might do some other things too.”

  I picked his hand up off my leg and stood. “I need some time on my own. These last few days have really shaken me. I need to think about what I’m going to do with my life now that I don’t have a job.”

  I quickly dried off and left him sitting by himself in the hot tub, not unhappy about the disappointment on his face at my departure. It was about time he realised I wasn’t there at his beck and call.

  In the shower I thought about what we’d discussed. I believed everything he’d said to me and while in one way it warmed me to know that he’d made a decision to remain faithful, in another I hadn’t recovered from the hurt he’d caused by even considering the alternative. I’d told Mum that he was one of a kind, and I suppose that meant if I wanted to be with him, I’d have to learn to get used to the many things about him that puzzled and frustrated me. I knew I had no chance of ever changing him, but this whole sorry episode made me think that maybe I could show him another way of being, simply by loving him. Maybe it was the one thing he needed in his life? Maybe it was the one thing I needed? Maybe our relationship could help us both grow as people over time?

  Those contemplative thoughts followed me to bed. Without Heller’s comforting bulk on the other side, my bed felt empty and lonely. But though I missed him, I thought it would be beneficial for us to spend some time apart, to give us a chance to both feel that ache in our hearts from separation from our lover.

  The following morning, the beginning of my first day of unemployment, I was at a loose end. Clive kicked me out the security section when I snooped around there. Heller chased me from the main office when I dared to poke my head in. I drifted upstairs to the rooftop, thinking I could help by weeding the herb garden, but it was pristine, the herbs lush, green, well watered and weed-free. Instead, I thought I’d clean its kitchenette area and the barbeque, but they were spotless and sparkling. I searched around for something to do, but everything was neat and orderly, even the concrete floor freshly swept.

  I went to the library, but all the books and DVDs were stacked away in their proper places and I couldn’t even find one dust bunny under any of the recliners. I popped my head into the pantry thinking that surely there would be something to straighten in there, but the cans and packets were neatly arranged on the shelves, the fresh food was appealingly presented and the refrigerator and freezer appeared to have been recently wiped over.

  Sighing, I returned to my flat and began a cleaning frenzy. But it was only a tiny abode, so that didn’t take as much time as I’d hoped. With the floors mopped, carpets vacuumed, bathroom sparkling, fresh linen everywhere and the lounge cushions plumped, I sneaked back upstairs to the pantry to steal some ingredients, despite knowing that Heller would be advised of my transgression within five minutes. I spent the rest of the day cooking and baking, something which Daniel and Niq took gluttonous advantage of later that evening.

  Heller rang me as I prepared for bed. “I miss you, Matilda. When are you coming back to me?”

  “It’s only been one night. You can’t have missed me that much.”

  “But tonight it will be two nights. And the next night will be three. And before you know it, I’ll never see you again and I’ll probably die of loneliness here in my empty bed.”

  I giggled. “You’re such an over-actor.”

  “Have you noticed I’m being angelic and not bothering you at all?”

  I giggled again. “You’re talking to me on the phone right now.”

  “But that’s only so that you notice how considerate I’m being by not contacting you.”

  “Your circular logic makes me suffer.”

  “You make me suffer by staying away, my sweet.” His light tone changed, his voice becoming hesitant, as if unsure of my response. “Have you had time to think everything over?”

  “I’ll be okay, Heller. I’m just so glad you made the decision you did about that client. I don’t know what I would have done if you’d decided differently.”

  “You would have left me. I see that now.” He hesitated again – so unusual for him. “I thought you’d forgive me for anything because you love me.”

  “Then you’d be completely wrong,” I told him quietly. “I won’t forgive you for anything. Did I forgive Will for cheating on me and breaking my heart?”

  “You slept with him again.”

  I laughed, but there was no mirth in it. “That was a major error of judgement on my part and I’ve admitted that. I haven’t forgiven him for being such a bastard and I wouldn’t forgive you either. And that’s what you’d be doing if you slept with another woman while we were together. Cheating.”

  “I’m sorry, Matilda. I didn’t consider it that way.” I marvelled again that someone so capable, skilled and smart could run a successful business, but be so oblivious about the most obvious emotional matters.

  “You made the right decision for our relationship.”

  “Yes. It’s important to me.”

  “Me too.”

  I was about to say goodnight, on the verge of yawning, when he spoke again. “Speaking of decisions, I’ve decided on something else that I’ll tell everyone about soon.”

  “Will it be something that’s going to upset me again?” And I would have given anything to read his face as I asked that.

  That pregnant pause yet again. I was beginning to hate it. “It will be good for the –”

  “Yeah, yeah. Good for the business. I get it. The business is a high priority for you.”

  “It has to be, Matilda. I have employees and more importantly, people I care about, to support.”

  “Not me at the moment. I’m too unproductive to the business for you to support.”

  “Are you sure about that? Have I mentioned you pilfering from my pantry earlier today?”

  “You have now. And I wasn’t pilfering. I was cooking for Danny and Niq.”

  “I’ll never let you be without, my sweet. No matter what happens,” he said softly. What was that supposed to mean?

  “I don’t want to be supported. I want to earn my own living.”

  “Then you better go to sleep now. You have a busy day ahead of you doing . . . something.”

  “Maybe job hunting. I’m bored of being unemployed already.”

  “I can’t make your days more interesting, but I can certainly help make tonight more lively for you. You know where I am.”

  “Yes, I do. Which is why I’m staying right here.”

  He laughed softly. “Goodnight, Matilda.”

  “Night, Heller.”

  In bed that night, I decided I’d go insane if I had to do the same things over tomorrow just to keep busy. One person living by herself doesn’t
make that much mess and there were only so many times I could clean my flat. Tomorrow I’d definitely look for a new job.

  Chapter 26

  I stared at the hamburger costume with below-zero enthusiasm. “I have to wear that? I’m not good with costumes. And the ad said the position involved marketing.”

  “That’s what you’re being hired to wear. And you’re going to stand there,” he pointed to a concrete divider between two busy roads, “and wave this placard advertising my burger business for drivers to see.”

  “I don’t think that’s a great marketing ploy. Have you done any research on this?”

  “Who’s the businessman here and who’s the hamburger? Do you want this job or not?”

  “Yes.” I hated myself for saying that. “Especially considering the princely sum you’re going to pay me per hour.”

  “Exactly!” he said with self-satisfaction, the sarcasm-detection gene missing from his DNA.

  I reluctantly climbed into the unwieldy costume. “Yuck! It smells.”

  “Oh yeah, the last guy who used it had a bit of a flatulence problem. That was okay though, because he was in the middle of all that traffic, so nobody was bothered.”

  Dear God, I thought in despair, lumbering out of the burger shop, my huge costume squishing up to fit through the door. And for the rest of the day I stood amongst the exhaust fumes, waving my placard, enduring the catcalls, wolf whistles, honking horns and demeaning comments about giving me a taste of their meat patties shouted from passing male motorists.

  When I returned home, weary and sweaty, I met Daniel on the stairs.

  “How did it go?” he asked, giving me a quick hug.

  “Just kill me now. It would be kinder.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse than you could ever imagine,” I grumbled. “I’ve been spoiled by working here and at the station. Interesting jobs where I used my brain. Today I just stood for hours dressed as a hamburger, waving a stupid board around. The costume stinks and you should have seen the size of my buns! It made it hard to walk.”

  He struggled to keep a straight face, his lips contorting with suppressed laughter.

  “Don’t,” I warned. “I’m really not in the mood.”

  “Do you want me to make you dinner?”

  I kissed his cheek. “Yes, please. I’m barely going to make enough in this job to feed myself, especially as it’s only for a week.”

  “Heller won’t let you starve.”

  “Maybe not, but he demands a high price for that indulgence.”

  “He wants loyalty and a family. You help give him both.”

  “That’s not all he wants from me.”

  “I don’t want to hear the sordid details, but I know he won’t let you starve. And neither will I. Go have a shower while I make you dinner.”

  The evening with Daniel and Niq proved to be a great stress-reliever. I collapsed into bed that night, my belly full of good food. Just as I was about to drop off, right on cue, Heller rang.

  “You’re not coming to visit me tonight?”

  “I’m way too tired to contend with you.”

  “Matilda, I’m dying up here without you.”

  “I highly doubt that. A big, strong man like you?”

  “I’m as weak as a baby when it comes to you.”

  I giggled. “You’re so silly.”

  “Can I at least stay the night? I miss being with you.”

  “I guess so. But I’m warning you that I want to sleep. I’m exhausted. It’s surprisingly hard work being a hamburger all day.”

  He laughed softly. “I’ll try to control myself. Thinking of you as a hamburger will help.”

  I was asleep already by the time he joined me, so it was a nice surprise when I roused during the night to find myself snuggled in his arms. I wriggled backwards until we made full body contact, spooning. His physical response was instant, urgent and very noticeable, as he was naked.

  “Matilda,” he whispered, kissing my neck, his hand cupping one of my breasts. “Stop squirming against me or I won’t be able to control myself.”

  “Maybe I don’t want you to anymore,” I whispered back to him. I flipped myself on to my other side so we were face-to-face and pressed myself against his hardness, kissing him.

  His voice was husky. “Maybe I don’t want to either.”

  And control was the very last thing on our minds for the next while as we rediscovered each other as if we’d been separated for months or years, instead of a few days. I performed my hamburger duties the next day with a dreamy smile that not even the crudest comments about my ‘special sauce’ thrown at me from motorists could dispel.

  And so the week slowly passed – hamburger by day, over-worked lover by night.

  “When are you going to tell us about your other big decision?” I asked, only half-awake after one particularly rigorous lovemaking session.

  “Soon, my sweet. I’m hoping to finish my negotiations tomorrow.”

  “I’m finishing my job tomorrow. Then I’ll be unemployed again.” I sighed. “I’ll have to find another crappy job. Are you sure you won’t take me back yet?”

  “I couldn’t possibly. It would undermine my authority with the men. A punishment must be a punishment.”

  “You’re a hard man.”

  He took my hand and placed it on his rod. “Doesn’t feel too hard at the moment, but you could work on it.”

  I snatched my hand away and slapped his bare chest. “You’re such a sex maniac.”

  “You say that as though it’s a bad thing to be.”

  “It is for your poor, exhausted partner. I need to sleep. I want to be the best hamburger ever tomorrow.”

  He laughed. “And how do you plan to do that?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll be extra cheesy, I suppose.”

  “I think that’s meant to be some kind of a joke, but as I’ve never eaten a hamburger, I’m not really sure.”

  “Never eaten one? Not ever?”

  “No. Why would I when there are many more nutritious alternatives available?”

  “Maybe, but they’re all boring. Hamburgers are yummy. Don’t they have them in Norway?” I asked, trying to ensnare him with my cunningness.

  What a futile hope.

  “Whoever suggested I would know what they eat in Norway? Did I say I was from there?”

  I was about to open my mouth to tartly say that Meili had told me it was a distinct possibility, but I prudently thought twice. Meili wasn’t a name welcome around him. So instead, I muttered a lame, “You don’t say anything about yourself.”

  “It’s better that way.”

  There was no possible comeback for that, so I let it hang heavily between us, the real weight in our relationship. How could I genuinely love someone I didn’t even know? Or was it enough that it was Heller as I knew him that I loved, and whoever he’d been or what he’d been like in his other life didn’t matter? Too tired to try to sort through that emotional minefield, I let it go. Again.

  I gave it everything I had on my last day as a hamburger. I waved that placard so enthusiastically I thought my arms would fling from my shoulders into a passing car, landing on the lap of an unfortunate driver. All tired and sweaty at the end of my shift, I gratefully peeled off the smelly costume and accepted tax avoiding cash-in-hand from the burger shop owner, the paltry sum offered barely even enough to cover my petrol costs for the week. He promised me when he did his next stint of advertising, I’d be the first one he’d call to be his hamburger. Though I felt a sense of pride that he’d rated my performance higher than the farty man, looking down at the pathetic amount of dollars clutched in my hand, I thought I’d probably make myself scarce if I ever recognised his number coming up on my phone. That costume really smelled bad.

  Back home, freshly showered and fed, I checked my bank account. I’d saved up a fair bit of money from when I’d worked for Heller, though not much at all when I’d worked for Trent. I thought I could afford to g
ive myself a week off without taking too much of a financial hit – especially if I sneaked food from Heller’s pantry and maybe even siphoned petrol out of one of his fleet vehicles in the middle of the night.

  So instead of trying to be industrious, I did nothing. I lounged around eating crunchy cheesy snacks, drinking the cheap wine I had to buy myself these days and watching Judge Judy and cooking shows on daytime TV. I visited my parents four times during the week, an unprecedented number that started making them suspicious that all was not well with my employment situation, particularly as I – somehow – managed to always turn up around mealtimes. So then I’d had to divert my attention to my grandmothers, who were much more likely to feed me without asking awkward questions about my financial and relationship status.

  I visited Dixie, inadvertently interrupting her while half-dressed and canoodling with her latest screw in her bedroom, a man who I sadly noted was not Bick. I’d kind of suspected something had gone wrong between them when I’d spotted his miserable face the other day when he’d been leaving work and I’d just returned home, neither of us having time to chat.

  As she virtually pushed me out the door, I asked her in a low voice, “What happened with Bick?”

  She shrugged indifferently. “He’s too nice.” She hooked her thumb towards her bedroom door. “Not like that guy in there. He’s a major badass. Hot, hot, sizzling hot!”

  “Nice guys can be hot too.”

  “Says the woman being porked by the biggest badass of them all.” She shoved me into the hallway. “Now, piss off, Tils. As you can see, I’m very busy.” She slammed the door in my face.

  “Bye,” I said to the peeling paintwork.

  Everyone at work eventually became fed up with me hanging around, wanting to chat all the time.

  “Go get a job, Tilly,” scowled Daniel distractedly, all his concentration on his computer monitor, busily tapping on his keyboard. “Like we all have and like the one I’m trying to do at this very moment but someone keeps interrupting me. And get your huge butt off my desk.”

  I slipped off his desk where I’d perched at a time I knew Heller was absent from the office, attempting repeatedly to engage Daniel. But he’d steadfastly ignored me, more intent on performing his duties with admirable industry, trying to meet a pressing deadline.