by Chapel Byrne
Whatever else came of it, while she didn’t want to rest her self-worth on this one thing, she couldn’t deny that it was definitely having a positive impact. Her whole life, she’d felt helpless and physically vulnerable. She’d restrained and held back her appearance, her personality, her desires. Something in the fire seemed to be burning that all away. She didn’t look in the mirror and see shrinking Angie. Now, she saw bold Lina. And she was doing what she could think to do that would root her self-esteem in things other than fire. Just in case it somehow went out. Shane gently teased, but she eagerly devoured feminist literature and history in her occasional spare moments.
Shane’s work, of course, overlapped with the nights out. And there was now a slight shift as some of the focus of the nights was also on her. It was a good thing her confidence was increasing. He wasn’t just schmoozing to get clients for his company, to build up other acts. He was now putting the spotlight on her. Aiming eyes at her. Getting them into every place they should be seen, every party that, for some reason, mattered.
He carefully helped her choose outfits, he made sure she stayed just as tipsy as she needed to be comfortable in whatever situation without getting drunk enough to do things she would regret, and he whispered into her ear constantly about all she deserved and how glorious she was. He helped nudge her to stretch her boundaries, getting her a little more attention and esteem from those who seemed to run the social scene and, whenever possible, opening her up to new kinds of pleasures.
It was, for Lina, as challenging and slow-moving work as the fire practice was. The worst for her had been very sensible conversations with Shane about turning things down and choosing to accept other things. How to pass up a drug in a way that looked like she found it passé rather than like she wasn’t cool enough. It was worse than high school peer pressure. How much to give when someone was clearly sexually attracted to keep them engaged without giving up her consent or being unfaithful.
“The thing to know is that I’m only jealous in certain contexts. I will remain as monogamous as you need, but if we’re out and working a social event, especially if I’m right there, you should do what you feel is best for your aims. Especially if you think it will be pleasurable.” He was infuriatingly matter-of-fact.
They were sitting at a restaurant, so Lina kept her voice down, but she was upset. “Wait, you don’t care if I mess around on you, as long as it’s in front of you? Don’t you like me too much for that? And why would you think I’d want that? Like, should I be insulted?”
He took her hand tenderly, and explained in kind tones, “Lina, baby, it’s not that at all. It’s that I have no doubt your heart is mine. And if a little physical pleasure will move things forward for you? I care about that more than about being the only one who touches you. I care about you too much to let some kind of random societal norm get in the way. Plus,” and he shifted so that it looked like he was catching her eyes in some kind of racy confession, “you can’t claim that your attraction to me blinds you to everyone else, can you? I know I’m gorgeous, but there are some other pretty people in the world. And if they happen to be steps on the path forward, then let’s talk about those steps.” He squeezed her hand. “Besides, I don’t want you to just be with me because I’m the first pretty face to compliment you since you ran from your ugly past.”
Lina shook her head, slowly, not able to really take in what he was saying. “Are you saying I should, like, sleep my way to whatever kind of celebrity or status?”
“I’m saying that there’s a certain sense of cool conveyed to the crowd we’re working in if you come across as a little racy, a little less constrained by the normal morality. It doesn’t mean you have to sleep your way anywhere, and I never want you to do anything without you wanting to do it. But if some society girl bats her eyelashes and piques your interest, well, you two wouldn’t be the only ones who enjoyed it if you kissed. And, if you only do this sort of thing in front of me, and if I’m smiling with the right sort of blasé amusement…” He shrugged. “People are strange. The things that impress them are strange. Fortunately, some are pleasurable.”
Uncomfortably, Lina chewed her lip.
Reassuringly, he said, “I’m just telling you the options. You choose. This is your path to walk, baby. I’m just pointing out steps you could take.”
As if to help her get comfortable with the idea, the nights out started to include things that softened her ideas about sexuality. They went to drag shows and burlesques and dropped in at the occasional BDSM club night. It made the sexuality that seethed under the surface of their other parties seem normal. And Shane kept his hands only to her, but he’d throw her a wink when he saw someone drawn into the circle of her light.
She didn’t feel pressured, but she felt like he had meant what he said. He was showing her possible steps, trying to clear the path. And, as she found willingness in herself to choose those steps, she saw results. They were invited to more parties, they were drawn into more exclusive circles even just during a normal night at a club or a show. She started to see that there was a whole other, more daring social life behind the doors of the nice houses. She got expensive gifts. She got asked to pose for artists. It was heady.
And it might have completely overtaken her, especially once Shane invited her to move in with him permanently and she was freed from rent, her biggest expense. She cut her work hours back and freed up her time. But the volunteering kept her grounded.
Shane was true to his word. He was as graceful about volunteering as she was about trying to move forward on the path he was opening for her. He brought his most authentic self to their efforts, only using charm if it would help them better accomplish whatever they were doing. Like the time when a donor whose contribution was important to the foundation with which, twice a week, they made and distributed meals to a homeless encampment, stopped donating. Shane had volunteered to go have a chat with the donor, using his charm to get them to recommit to their donation and to increase it.
Lina kept her eyes open and tried to find something good they could do almost every day. It was good for her soul and, she figured, at least good for Shane’s reputation. She even found, once those in their nighttime social circles heard about their efforts, that it made them seem a strange and delightful contradiction. It made them seem like the right people to put out front if someone needed a charming but arguably wholesome face on a project.
The divide between the two pieces of their life was wide.
Uniting both sides of the divide were the regular Grey sightings.
Lina had expected to be in constant mortal peril, and she had spent weeks tense and waiting for his blade. But he kept showing up anywhere public, just watching them. And, eventually, between the regularity of that and her own increasing skills with her fire, Lina relaxed. She still kept an eye on him when she spotted him, but she managed not to go into a panic.
That said, she had to admit that part of the allure of the private parties, was that Grey wasn’t there. And she was getting used to those too. She had her boundaries, but they were softer and she flowed more easily with the energy of the parties. She let the pleasure carry her, and nothing horrible ever happened. And Shane seemed to enjoy watching her let go.
So she balanced between the hard work and conventional wholesomeness of her mornings and the increasingly heady pleasure of her nights.
It was a Tuesday, so Lina and Shane were at the homeless encampment, handing out the lunches they’d helped make that morning. With increased donations—thanks to Shane—and a relatively stable population, the committee had decided to increase the quality of lunches. They’d wanted to do that for a long while.
The lunch they were passing out wasn’t just a sandwich and some chips. They had some fresh fruit and some soup as well. Of course, one drawback of the soup, and many of the other non-sandwich entrees they’d considered, was heating. As they got to the end of the distribution part, the food was cooling down.
“Hey, heat th
e soup a little when you get a chance,” she had whispered to Shane. He’d nodded, and they’d managed to keep things from getting too cool. She’d noticed that, without nudging, he also seemed to have started to warm things a little just as he handed them off.
Lina smiled, sent a little warmth at the soup in her hand, and passed it to a scrawny lady. She pulled the next one out of her box, warmed it, and extended it to a man sitting nearby. He had a rain slicker on and his head down, so he didn’t see the food. “Hey, excuse me. Did you want some lunch, sir?”
The man lifted his head, and it was Grey. He stared at her evenly, and she was proud that she didn’t feel more than a jolt of fear. She planted her feet and squared her shoulders, ready to drop the box of food and defend herself.
Sounding impressed, Grey said, “You’ve actually got him doing good almost every day. You’ve had him doing it for months. And you got him to do some real stuff, not just the usual flashy celebrity thing where they give cash or make a statement If I had had…clients with the PR problems he has who were willing to do this and do it for so long…Well, I’ve got to give you credit for getting this out of him.”
Gruffly, she retorted, “I don’t make him do anything. He even chose some of the charities we work with.”
“Yes, but I bet it was your idea, wasn’t it? His PR approach was always much more about making excuses for behavior, not making them pretend to be good.” He was frustratingly calm and kind as he said it. “You’ve even got him using his fire to…to warm soup for homeless people. I’m honestly impressed. If nothing else, I’m willing to believe that, for now, you’re not evil.”
Lina looked around, hoping to catch Shane’s eye, but he seemed to be chatting with one of the other volunteers.
When she looked back at Grey, he shifted, and his gaze got more critical. “The real question for you is how far away from your own sense of right and wrong has he led you? How much has he—”
“Lina!” Shane’s voice interrupted whatever question Grey was asking. He held up his empty box of food and waved her over to share what was left in her own.
Quietly, Grey suggested, “You’d better go. If he comes over here, I’m about done waiting. It’s been interesting to watch what you’ve managed, but I’ll need to step in soon to save you from the evil.”
Lina snorted derisively at Grey but didn’t reply. She headed over to Shane, handing out a couple more meals on the way. Once Shane had grabbed the meals he needed and handed them over to a hungry family that waited patiently, she tucked her arm in his. She quietly said, “Now, be cool, but Grey is here.”
Shane rolled his eyes. “That guy is everywhere.”
“Yeah, but this time he talked to me.” Lina made sure her tone was pleasant and she was smiling. Anyone watching shouldn’t think this was an important conversation.
Expertly, Shane matched her. “That’s not good. What did he say?”
“That he doesn’t buy this volunteering thing and that he’ll have to move soon to save me from your evil.” They had reached the cars where the other volunteers stood. “Hey, guys! Good work today. Anyone know who’s heading up conversations about keeping food warm?”
The older lady who led the group said, “I think I’m stuck with that. Definitely something to figure out. Did you have any ideas?”
Lina shook her head. “No, but I’ll be thinking about it. Honestly, if people can do tailgating, like, maybe we just think about what sort of permits or changes might let us do a little on-site cooking, right?”
Everyone nodded and began making suggestions.
“I hate to drag us away,” Shane told the group, “but I have to get us to a client meeting. See everyone Thursday?”
People said goodbye and went back to discussing the heat issue. With smiles still fixed on their faces, Lina and Shane walked as quickly as they could without looking like they were rushing.
Once they were in the car, Shane dropped the happy mask and grimly said, “You’re my client and we’re meeting at the house.”
As they sped through the city, Lina said, “Look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few months. Like, taking in all the new experiences and thinking about my fire and how to use it. And, listen, instead of all the fame and whatever, what about doing good with it? What about running away from this whole city life and celebrity thing and just trying to make things better? I mean, you kind of seem to be enjoying the volunteer stuff. Like, in a sincere way, not in the way where you’re all business charm when we’re at parties and stuff.”
He sighed and shifted uncomfortably. In a careful tone that grew more passionate as he spoke, he said, “No, I enjoy you. Being around you, doing things with you, that’s what I enjoy. Whatever the fire is in you, I hate to use a cliché, but I’m like a moth to that flame. And it’s not just the flame. You’re beautiful and intelligent. Your kindness, while it’s not me, is like a strange gem. You’re strong, and watching you find that power and own it is intoxicating. Not to mention watching you cast off old ideas and old habits and just let yourself unabashedly enjoy life. And I look at you and I wonder how you have all that fire and don’t just burn the world.” He took her hand, gripping it as he spoke. “I adore you and you intrigue me because I don’t know anyone else who burns and is as truly good as you seem to be. You’re...exotic. And...you almost make me want to be actually good. That’s how powerful you are. You almost tempt me to try that life you talk about. But, when I’m out doing the do-good things you want? I’m not so much enjoying what we do as I am enjoying watching the different way you burn when you do that.”
“Oh.” Lina wasn’t sure how she felt. Disappointed, yes. But, should she feel more? Was this the sort of revelation that should require action?
“But if this life we’re living is what you need us to do for you to stay with me, if you care about me for more than just the fact you thought I was loving volunteering—”
Without thinking, she cut him off. “I love you for you, and I just…” She trailed off.
“You love me?” He sounded both confused and delighted.
“I…” She blushed. “I guess so. I mean, yes, I do. And…I’m disappointed you don’t actually enjoy the good things we do, but that’s not even the bulk of why I love you. So.” She waited for him to let go of her hand. She wasn’t sure that men who lived on charm were safe to love, not even this one.
“So. So, let’s keep living the life we’re living. And I’ll do volunteer work with you for as long as it matters to you. Because…” He paused and suddenly looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. “You know, I’ve never said those three words to anyone. I…It might take me more time to be able to say them to you.” Meekly, he said, “I’m sorry. I know it must hurt that I don’t say them. But I will. Because I think I feel them. I know I want this to go on until the whole world burns. I know that I want you to be the person beside me, even if we can’t agree on whether we should make the world burn or try to save it. I know that there’s nothing more glorious than your fire. I…” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
She took a moment to look at her feelings before she replied. “You know, I’m less concerned about you saying the words than you living them. I’ve had them said to me before, but then gotten smacked around. On the other hand, even when you’re doing the work charm thing or we’re disagreeing, you manage to treat me with respect. So, for now, I think your actions are saying what your mouth can’t.”
He gave her a crooked grin.
She returned it, but warned, “But I think I’ll need you to get there. So just consider this a temporary reprieve for good behavior.”
“Yes, ma’am!” He laughed. “You’re the boss of my good behavior.”
CHAPTER 10
Friday night, or maybe very early Saturday morning, they were driving home from a party. It wasn’t one of the increasingly crazy private parties, but was at a club and was more of a popular annual theme night.
“Hey, did you notice we haven’t seen Grey at
all since the run-in on Tuesday?” Lina asked.
“I was kind of hoping you were enjoying life too much to notice,” Shane replied. He grunted, annoyed. “He’s up to something and I’d feel better if he was pretending it was normal.”
“So, my paranoia that, like, this is bad and not just proof that things are extra serious is probably on point?” She sighed. “Well, what do we do?”
In business-like tones, but not the charming ones he used for his particular business, he said, “As I see it, our best options are either to hunt him down before he does us or to hide out for…some indeterminate amount of time.”
“I’m feeling kind of sulky about those options. They both suck. Or, you know, they both suck to me.” She looked at him from the side of her eyes. “I’m guessing you’re in favor of hunting him down.”
He shrugged, annoyed. “The other option has no end to it and leaves us in danger for longer. I just…I can have patience, but I prefer to just be done when it comes to issues of mortal danger.” He paused, briefly, then added, “Especially when yours is one of the lives in danger.”