But I Said Forever

by Jennifer Gilby Roberts

  Finally, he crashes out and I tiptoe downstairs, weary but still excited about getting down to work.

  What I find is a kitchen that looks like it’s been used to film The Great British Bake Off: Toddlers. And Lauren, eating.

  “I didn’t think you cooked,” I say, surveying the destruction and trying not to give into temptation and stab her with the bread knife.

  “Believe it or not, this is not my mess. Carly was ‘cooking’ with the kids. She says she’ll clean it up as soon as her migraine goes away.”

  “Wonderful.” I pull open the dishwasher and start stacking it. “I’ll have to do it. I’ve got work to do tonight.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  “How did the latest interview go?”

  “No chance. The mother was a right snooty bitch. Don’t worry, I put her in her place.”

  I’m getting increasingly worried that Lauren will never move out. I haven’t actually interviewed her, but she can’t come across well. She could go on Dragons Den and make them cry.

  “Just have to wait for another one,” Lauren says. “I thought I’d be getting more. You wrote me a nice reference, right?”

  I nod. “It won’t be that.”

  It was glowing. And more or less honest, if... reframed.

  “Well, at least I’ve got a stop-gap job. Which reminds me, I need to wax my bikini line.”

  I really didn’t need to know that.

  I pick up Zack’s cake tins to start work, and find that the second is noticeably lighter than the first. Odd, I don’t remember...

  “Lauren,” I ask, suddenly nauseous, “what are you eating?”

  “Cake.”

  “What cake?”

  “The stuff in that tin. It’s delicious. Did you make it?”

  I’m going to kill her.

  “Your dinosaur was a big hit,” Zack says, when we start work on Sunday morning. “He adored it.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh, good.”

  “And I got no end of compliments over the cake. Several people said what a good idea it was to have two different flavours.” He gives me a sideways glance. “Which was odd, because I could have sworn I only made one.”

  I cringe. “I’m so sorry. Some of it got eaten.”

  He raises an eyebrow.

  “Not by me.”

  He laughs. “Well, it worked out fine, and my sister says she’s happy to give you a reference for future clients.”

  “Oh, thank you,” I say, insides dancing. “That would be wonderful.”

  I smile at him and he smiles back, and there’s what I can only describe as a moment.

  And then I remember his lunch date the other day.

  “Zack, I was wondering...” I stop.

  He looks at me expectantly. “What?”

  “Well... if... are you...?”

  He raises an eyebrow. I chicken out. “Are you any good with kitchen cabinets? One of ours has come off the wall. There’s no rush, I just happened to think of it.”

  He regards me silently. “Sure, I can fix that. Just tell me when it’s convenient.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Anything else?”

  “No.” I turn back to my work. “No, that’s it.”

  I’m a coward.

  That night, I call my parents yet again.

  “Hello.”

  “Dad? It’s me, Brittany.”

  “Sarah, phone for you.”

  “Dad…”

  I hear the phone being put down, and then picked up again. “Hello, darling,” Mum says.

  “When is Dad going to talk to me again?”

  Mum sighs. “I don’t know, darling. This is very hard on him - on both of us - but he’ll come round eventually.”

  I’ve had it with “eventually”.

  “Mum,” I say, gathering my courage, “the truth is, there’s more to my leaving than I’ve told you. Phillip and I haven’t just grown apart. He… did something. Something I can’t ignore.”

  “I thought that might be the case,” Mum says. “Oh, Brittany, I know it’s a hard blow when your husband is unfaithful, but I promise you with time and effort you’ll be able to forgive him.”

  “He hasn’t had an affair, Mum.” I close my eyes. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but if it’s the only way that you’re going to understand… He goes to a dominatrix. Regularly. Has done all the time we were married and probably before that. He refuses to stop, doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and just expects me to ignore it.”

  There’s a long silence on the line.

  “Mum,” I ask, “are you still there? I’m sorry, a dominatrix is someone who…”

  “I know what they are.” Mum takes a deep breath. “I can quite understand why you left and I think you did exactly the right thing. I’m sure your father will too. I’ll go and explain right away.”

  I get hung up on again, but this time I don’t mind so much.

  An hour or so later, my phone rings.

  “Is that my little girl?” Dad asks gruffly.

  I breathe a sigh of relief and flop back on my bed. “Yes.”

  “This is a terrible business. If I’d had even an inkling, I would never have allowed you to marry him in the first place.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  He sighs and I’m shocked by how weary he sounds. “Don’t worry. You just bring James back here and I’ll sort everything out. Your old room’s ready and waiting - your mother’s airing it as we speak - and we’ll turn Melanie’s into a nursery.”

  I sit up. Not living with Lauren would be wonderful, but going back home…

  “It’s okay,” I say. “We’re fine here.”

  “Don’t be silly, you can’t possibly manage on your own.”

  How can his words still affect me so much?

  “Of course I can,” I say, as confidently as I can. “In any case, I’m not on my own, I have two housemates.”

  “Three women sharing a house. What are you going to do when it gets to the first of the month and you’ve spent the rent money on shoes?”

  “Dad, I’m not an idiot and I’ve already learned tons about…”

  “I expect you both here tomorrow. I’ll order your train tickets online and you can collect them at the station.”

  “Dad!” I clutch the phone. “James and I are fine and we’re not moving back home.”

  “Now listen to me, my girl, you start packing right now and…”

  I hang up. I can hardly believe I’ve dared to do it - he’s going to be livid - but he’s not going to listen to me any more than Phillip did. He’s certain that I can’t take care of myself and, if I keep listening to him, he might convince me too.

  The following evening, Lauren comes dancing into the house and pulls off her scarf with a flourish. “I,” she says, “am brilliant.”

  “So I’ve heard,” I say, glancing up from wiping down the coffee table. “You could be even more brilliant and take your shoes off.”

  Lauren puts her hands on her hips. “Aren’t you going to ask me why?”

  I wish I was in bed already. “Why?”

  “Because…” She pulls something small from her pocket and holds it up to the light, “… I have this.”

  It takes me a moment to focus on it. It’s a memory stick.

  Does that mean…?

  “Is that…?”

  She hands it over. “Your ticket out of here,” she says, doing a little shimmy. “You can worship me later.”

  I stare at the little piece of technology, hardly daring to believe it. “This is definitely enough proof?”

  “Trust me.” She swings herself onto the sofa. “Seriously, do. You watch this and your head will probably explode.”

  I can’t believe it. This woman, who doesn’t even like me, has given me the most valuable object I will ever own.

  “That’s wonderful,” I say, clutching it so hard I’m afraid it will break. “You’re wonderful. I… thank you.”

  I fe
el like I should hug her, but I’m not sure either of us would be comfortable with that, so I settle for a handshake. She looks distinctly relieved.

  “No worries,” she says. “It’s been fun.”

  I have to laugh. “How can you be a nanny?” I ask. “Why aren’t you a spy or a detective or something?”

  She shrugs. “Well, it wasn’t my original plan, but life decided otherwise. Anyway, hand this over to your solicitor and tell him to copy it to the other side. I think you’ll find they won’t be contesting the divorce anymore.”

  “You’ve really done it, haven’t you?” I say in wonder. “I’m free.”

  My problems are finally over. There’s nothing he can do against this.

  Chapter 23

  At the end of a long day a week later, I turn the corner into our street and see a figure sitting on our wall. I squint at it. I’m starting to wonder if I need glasses - I’m sure my distance vision has gone downhill.

  The figure stands as I approach and my step falters when I see it’s Phillip. He’s in casual clothes for the first time in ages. His nose is pink and he’s rubbing his hands. How long has he been sitting there?

  I sink my chin further into my scarf.

  “Good evening, Brittany,” he says, as I reach the gate. “I hope you’re well.”

  I dip my hand into my bag and finger my house keys. “What are you doing here, Phillip?”

  “I thought I would call round and see James,” he says, “and you. I hoped we could talk.”

  There’s nothing I’d like less, but I can’t deny him access to his son. Especially since he’s actually asked.

  “The nanny wouldn’t let me in without you.”

  I’m liking Lauren more and more.

  “She’s not the nanny now, she’s my housemate,” I say, heading up the front path. “Come in. You’re very welcome to see James, although it would be helpful if you could call first to check we don’t have plans.”

  “Of course. I’ll be sure to in future.”

  How are you supposed to act with a man you once loved but don’t anymore? Seventeen more years - at least - of awkwardness is ahead of us. Will it get any easier once we’re officially divorced?

  I unlock the front door and we go inside.

  “I thought I could take you for dinner.”

  “Carly’s gone out to get fish and chips for three,” Lauren calls from the front room, “and James is grumpy; he needs to go to bed as soon as. Shame.”

  “It was a very kind thought,” I say, sensing Phillip stiffening beside me. “Perhaps when we both have the same day off, we could all go to lunch. That might be easier for dinner. James seems to need extra sleep at the moment - I think he might be having another growth spurt.”

  “Well...” Phillip eyes Lauren, sitting on the sofa with James on her knee. “I’ll come with you to bathe him and we can talk then.”

  That’s a first.

  “Assuming he remembers who you are and doesn’t scream the place down,” Lauren says.

  I glare at her. Surely a trained nanny should understand the importance of encouraging father-son time. “That would be lovely.”

  I take James and bring him to Phillip. “Say hello to Daddy.”

  James stares at Phillip for a moment, then his face crumples and his mouth opens and...

  “Told you so.”

  “He’s just tired,” I say, cuddling him close. “Come on upstairs.”

  Phillip sits on the loo seat while I kneel by the bath and wash James as quickly as he’ll let me get away with.

  “Brittany, I’ve come to a realisation,” he says.

  I gently wet James’s head. “What’s that?”

  “Clearly my... interests... bother you a good deal more than I’d appreciated. I’ve thought the matter over and, for the sake of our marriage, I’ve decided to enter counselling.”

  I drop the sponge into the bath. “Oh.”

  “I won’t be going to see my practitioner again…”

  “Oh.”

  “… and if you feel marriage guidance would be helpful, then I’m willing to try that as well. I also think I need to spend more time with you and James while I’m not at work. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for leaving. If anything, I should thank you. I needed a wake-up call, darling, and you’ve given me one.”

  I rub a drop of shampoo onto James’s head, though he hardly has enough hair to make it worthwhile. My insides feel tightly knotted.

  Why, why, why did he have to wait until now to do this? I’d just adjusted to the idea of being on my own. I was even starting to look forward to the future, and now he wants to pull me right back into the past.

  “Darling, please turn around.”

  Slowly, I do - and look at the man I promised to love until death us do part.

  “What do you say, darling?” he asks, smiling at me. He almost looks like the happy young man I married. “Come back to me and I’m sure, if we try, we can put this whole episode behind us.”

  I have to say something in response. My heart wants to say no, but my mind insists that people can fall back in love. I left him because he said he was happy with things as they were and wasn’t willing to change, but if that’s no longer the case then maybe we do have a chance. Maybe we can get back to what we had those first few months, when he was my prince and I felt like a princess.

  “I know you want the best for James,” Phillip says, “and surely it’s best for him to live with both his parents? I know this has been hard on you, but I’m certain you can find it in your heart to try again. For James’s sake.”

  How can I argue against that? I do want the best for my son and I do think he would benefit from us being happily together. Isn’t it my responsibility as a mother to try everything possible to secure that for him?

  And, at the end of the day, I made a promise to my husband - and I should keep it.

  I take a deep breath and look up at him. “On the condition that you don’t go back to that house and we go to counselling... I’m willing to try again.”

  “Excellent. We’ll pack up your things and I’ll take you home tonight.”

  “No!” I say. “That is, no. It’s too late, James is tired and I have work tomorrow. We’ll move Tuesday, when I’m off.”

  “Of course.” Phillip gets up and comes over, helping me to my feet and giving me a hug and a kiss, and I feel like Snow White in reverse, as it leaves me feeling cold and dead inside.

  “Are you nuts?!”

  “Don’t yell, Lauren, you’ll wake James,” I say, sprinkling some more salt over my chips. I don’t even raise my voice. I feel numb.

  “You are not going back to him.”

  “That’s not your decision.”

  “It’s not a decision, it’s an intervention. If I come across someone threatening to harm themselves, I’m going to stop them.”

  “Lauren...” Carly says.

  “It’s not like I’m about to jump off a bridge.”

  “You might as well be.”

  “He’s promised to change. He wants to work on things.”

  Lauren gives a little scream of frustration. “For the love of peanut butter, he is playing you. He thought he had all the power, then we got that footage and everything changed. Suddenly, you were the one in charge of the divorce, which meant the only thing he could do was stop it happening. And how could he do that? By making a load of empty promises to get you to come back.”

  “Lauren...”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes. I. Do.”

  I put down my fork. “How?”

  Lauren lifts her chin. “Because I’ve seen this scenario play out before.”

  I blink at her. “You?”

  She shakes her head impatiently. “No, not me. Do you seriously see me with a man like that? Someone I cared about - and that’s all you’re getting.”

  “Even so, that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to me.”

  Lauren throws up her h
ands. “Why does everyone persist in thinking they’re special? You’re not. Same scenario, same personalities, same outcome.” She shoves her chair back. “I’m taking my chips to bed. Life’s too short to spend trying to talk sense into stupid people.”

  She takes her plate and sweeps out of the kitchen.

  Carly sighs. “I’ll be glad when she gets a job. Boredom always brings out her dramatic side.”

  We eat in silence for a few minutes.

  “But you think she’s right, don’t you?” I ask.

  “Do you?”

  “I...”

  She must be being unfair to him. I don’t know if he can change and I don’t know if I can love him again, but he has to be sincere about trying. He can’t be that manipulative.

  “No,” I say, “and if he’s willing to try again, I have to be.”

  Carly watches me closely. I meet her eyes, resolutely.

  “Well, I admire your commitment,” she says, “but... if things don’t work out, know that you can always come back here.”

  “Thank you.”

  The doorbell rings. I’m startled, before I remember that Zack said he would come round and put our cupboard back up tonight. Why didn’t I tell him to come another day?

  I hastily wipe my eyes and go through to answer the door.

  “One man with drill,” Zack says. He frowns. “You all right?”

  “Fine. Please come in.”

  I wait while he takes his coat off and then lead him through to the kitchen. “Thank you very much for this,” I say, once he’s greeted Carly. “Would you like tea, coffee, some chips?”

  “Coffee would be great. It’s freezing out there - maybe we’ll even get a white Christmas.”

  “James would like that. He’s never seen snow.”

  “I’m not going to wake him, am I?”

  “You shouldn’t. His room is at the front of the house and he looks hard out.”

  I sit back down to my chips as he opens his toolbox.

  “The volcano not around tonight?”