Monsters on the March

by Derek the Ghost

  As it came closer, they realized it was Ms. Stingbottom riding atop a griffin—a lion with the head and wings of an eagle. The students let out a sigh of relief, thinking she was there to pay a friendly visit. When the griffin landed, they saw she looked frazzled and full of worry.

  “Awoo-Aloo, my helpless humans!” Ms. Stingbottom bellowed, snapping her lobster claws and wiping tears off her furry pink face. “I bear terrible news. I have just flown past the one thousand pirate ships filled with monsters, and they are but a week away. That, I’m afraid, is the good news. The bad is that I have overheard their plans, and they are so furious at spending these last months at sea that when they arrive to do battle, they plan not only to retrieve Princess Zogette, but to eat anyone who dares resist them. That means there will be no coming back as a zombie, or a vampire, or a ghost, or a skeleton, for once you are eaten by a monster, that is simply the end of you. While before I encouraged you to fight for the love of Charles and Zogette—”

  “Seriously. I don’t like her,” came a voice from the distance.

  “—now, I have changed my mind and encourage all of you to surrender to the monsters. There is no hope of survival. Farewell.”

  In a blink, Ms. Stingbottom was flying back through the clouds on the griffin.

  The students stood in stunned silence. They turned and looked at Charles Nukid and Princess Zogette.

  “Welp, I guess that settles it,” said Bryce McCallister. “You’re a good dude, Charles, but you’re going to have to give up your lady.”

  The princess cried out, “Noooo! You mustn’t take me away from my Charles. I would rather die!”

  The kids threw their arms up in exasperation.

  That’s when Petunia had the idea of a lifetime.

  “Wait a minute,” Petunia proclaimed, speaking louder than she ever had before. “We can’t give up. The monsters have no right to invade our school. Zogette’s father has no right to force her to marry someone she hates. Look at everything we have around us. The monsters won’t know what to expect when they get here, but we know everything there is to know about the environment and all the traps that can be sprung. Divided, we stand no chance; but united, we form a chain that cannot be broken. Together we can teach those monsters an important life lesson about never messing with Scary School again!”

  Johnny was so riled up by the speech, his feet grew two sizes. He felt like a real bigfoot for the first time. He released a roar, and all the students roared along with him.

  If Petunia, an eleven-year-old purple girl, wasn’t afraid of the monsters, then every kid figured there was no reason for them to be. Steven Kingsley felt no fear, Penny Possum felt no fear, Fritz felt no fear, and, of course, Fred, the boy without fear, still felt no fear.

  Zogette gave Charles a big hug, and Charles nearly retched from her stench, but the moment was so overwhelming, something inside him began to feel differently. He reached out his arms and hugged Zogette back.

  But only for a few seconds.

  18

  The All-Knowing Monkey of Scary Mountain

  Before I tell you about the monster attack, it’s important that you know the origin of one of Scary School’s teachers. For as you will see, it is his story that will make all the difference.

  On the final day of school last year, while Ms. Fangs’s class was trapped inside the Room of Fun in Jacqueline’s haunted house, the rest of the students met in the school yard for the presentation of their trophy for winning the Ghoul Games—the Golden Elephant.

  Flying gargoyles lifted away the veil covering the statue, revealing the magnificent figure. Shimmering in the sunlight, it stood on a thirty-foot pedestal, its trunk pointing to the sky, its ears large and floppy, its tusks as long as a mammoth’s.

  The elephant was the symbol of victory in the Scary community, for no human or monster had ever defeated one in battle. It was said that the golden elephant would ward off evil spirits and protect Scary School from bad luck.

  Unfortunately, the next day, the elephant was gone.

  What nobody knew was that the school yard of Scary School was built on top of an ancient Native American burial ground, which was itself built over an ancient mammoth graveyard, which was itself built over a really ancient dinosaur cemetery.

  This explains the possessed merry-go-round, among many other freaky things at Scary School. Nothing built on the school grounds stands any chance of not becoming possessed, cursed, or haunted.

  The day after the statue was unveiled, when school was out for the summer and everything was silent and empty, the spirits underneath the ground were tussling over who would get to possess the Golden Elephant statue. Eventually, a mammoth spirit from the mammoth graveyard won out, as was only fitting, since mammoths are the wooly ancestors of elephants.

  The Golden Elephant came to life that same day. It hopped off the pedestal and landed with an earthshaking thunk. It wandered around the yard eating all the foliage on the trees as if it were a real elephant. Growing thirsty, it searched until it found Scary Pool.

  Not realizing that gold sinks in water, it stepped in and immediately sank to the pool’s murky depths, where the merpeople dwelled.

  At first the merpeople were excited to receive a shiny new ornament for their underwater garden, but when they realized it was alive, they decided to save its life. Unfortunately, it was too heavy to lift back to the surface, even with all of them helping.

  At the same time those merpeople were trying to find a way to save the elephant, other mermaids and mermen were busy trying to revive Mr. Fishman. Mr. Fishman was one of Scary School’s sixth-grade teachers. He was also a lagoon creature—dark green in color and looking like an odd mixture of a fish and a man. He had scaly skin, webbed limbs, and dorsal fins along his back and head.

  Principal Headcrusher had ordered Mr. Fishman to put chlorine in Scary Pool so that it would be safe to swim in over the summer. Unfortunately, the piranhas took offense at this and dragged him into the water.

  Covered with piranha bites, Mr. Fishman was moments from learning a valuable life lesson about not putting chlorine in piranha-infested waters as he was being bitten to pieces.

  The merpeople saw that the only chance to save both the elephant’s and Mr. Fishman’s lives was to turn them into one life. They detached the Golden Elephant’s head from its body. Underneath the gold plating was a regular elephant’s body. The gold plating slipped off, and mersurgeons quickly attached the elephant head to Mr. Fishman’s body.

  Mr. Fishman’s feet had also been bitten off by the piranhas, so they gave him some nice new elephant feet.

  That’s how he became Mr. Grump.

  Mr. Grump (though he was not called that yet) flapped his giant elephant ears, which quickly brought him up to the surface.

  Sitting on the shore, he looked at his strange scaly hands and his stumpy elephant feet and realized he had no memory of who he was or where he came from. It was as if he had suddenly sprung into existence there on the bank of Scary Pool.

  The only creature still inhabiting the Scary School grounds over summer vacation went over to investigate what was disturbing her solitude.

  Tanya Tarantula approached Mr. Grump and stared at him quizzically. This was, of course, the summer before she fell into King Khufu’s class on the fifth day of school.

  Mr. Grump looked at Tanya with confusion. “Are you…my mother?” Mr. Grump asked.

  Tanya shook her fangs back and forth.

  “Do you know who I am or what I am?” Mr. Grump inquired.

  It was then that Tanya spoke to another creature for the first time in her life. “I have heard it said that at the top of Scary Mountain lives a wise monkey that knows all.”

  Tanya pointed to the top of a snowy peak in the distance.

  “Okay, I guess I better go there. Thanks.” And Mr. Grump set off for Scary Mountain.

  Scary Mountain’s peak was over twelve thousand feet high.

  Mr. Grump’s body was not built for cl
imbing, and it took him a solid month to reach the top.

  Once there, he was surprised to see a single ninety-foot coconut tree growing from the very tip of the mountain. In the top branches of the tree, a yellow-colored monkey was hanging by its tail, staring at him. The monkey climbed down the trunk, never averting its gaze.

  “Who do you think you are?” asked the monkey in a sharp tone.

  “That’s what I came here to ask you,” replied Mr. Grump.

  “Ohhh. So you seek answers from the All-Knowing Monkey of Scary Mountain?”

  “Yes. Can you please tell me what I am?”

  “Oh, I can. But I won’t. You have to pay for that kind of valuable information. My beautiful coconut tree has run out of coconuts. Bring me some more, and I will tell you!”

  “You can’t get them on your own?”

  “Oh, I can get them on my own, but I won’t because I am very busy taking care of this tree. Coconut trees aren’t supposed to grow this high up or in such cold weather. I have to constantly tell the tree it’s growing in Hawaii. It’s hard work!”

  “Okay, fine. I’ll get you some coconuts.”

  “And I want them in a big sack. No skimping. Now get out of here, you goofy eleph—Oops. I almost told you what you are.”

  Mr. Grump climbed back down the mountain, which only took him two weeks because going down was much easier. He found a coconut grove in Scary Forest, gathered as many coconuts as he could by ramming the trees with his thick skull, then spent another month climbing back up the snowy mountain, lugging the big sack of coconuts behind him.

  When he reached the peak, the monkey was very excited to see him. It had grown thin, almost skeletal. It seemed Mr. Grump had arrived just in time.

  “Thank you for coming back! I had almost given up hope,” the monkey exclaimed with delight, devouring three coconuts right on the spot.

  “Ahhh, that’s much better,” said the monkey, patting his belly. “I’m going to be smart and plant the rest of the coconuts. I’ll have a flourishing grove in no time!”

  “Good for you, Mr. Monkey. Now could you please tell me what I am?”

  “Certainly. You are a lagoon creature with the head and feet of an elephant. Any other questions?”

  “Uh…who am I?”

  “You want a name, too? Okay, your name is…Morris Grump.”

  “I like it.”

  “Thank you. It was my mother’s name. But you know, I think I got the better end of this bargain. So, let’s say I still owe you one. Now get out of here, you elephant–lagoon monster.” The monkey threw a coconut at Mr. Grump, causing him to tumble down Scary Mountain for another two weeks before reaching the bottom.

  He wandered back to Scary School, the only other place he knew, but he had hit his head so many times on the way down, all he could remember was his new name and carrying that sack of coconuts up the mountain.

  Little did Mr. Grump know that every kid in school would one day owe their lives to him for bringing the monkey that sack of coconuts.

  It was the first day of school, and Principal Headcrusher was in a state of panic. Her sixth-grade teacher Mr. Fishman had not shown up. She needed to find a replacement. That’s when she saw Mr. Grump wandering around the school yard. He looked like he was about to get sliced in half by the swinging ax on the jungle gym. Principal Headcrusher ran to him as fast as she could and yanked him out of the way.

  “Mr. Fishman? Is that you?” she asked, seeing his lagoon-creature body.

  “My name is Morris Grump,” said Mr. Grump.

  “Well, Mr. Grump, I suppose you look scary enough. How would you like to teach sixth grade at this school?”

  “Uhhh…okay.”

  “Fantastic! I’ll get you a suit and everything you’ll need. You’re a real lifesaver.”

  “No problem. Wait…what’s a sixth grade?”

  Minutes later, Mr. Grump walked into his classroom. There he saw a little purple girl wearing a purple dress, sitting all alone.

  The two weeks of tumbling down the mountain had caused him some significant memory problems, so by the time he reached the classroom, he had forgotten that he had just been hired to teach the sixth grade.

  “Hello,” said Mr. Grump to Petunia in his deep, goofy-sounding voice. “Are you the teacher?”

  19

  Friday the Thirteenth

  It was a cold, sunny morning on Friday, December 13, at 8:00 a.m.—the day of the attack.

  Nobody liked the idea that the monsters would be attacking on Friday the thirteenth, but there certainly wasn’t anything that could be done about it. Jason was the only one who thought it was a good omen.

  The Scary School students had been working all week to form a plan of defense. Staying home to avoid the attack was not an option. That would be like leaving a friend to die on the field of battle.

  By the end of the week, every student knew where they needed to be and what they needed to do. The plan had to work to perfection if they were to survive.

  All the students had arrived half an hour early to rehearse the plan one last time and take their positions.

  Meanwhile, ten thousand monsters marched in formation toward the front entrance of Scary School. There were five thousand karate monsters, well-trained in the deadliest forms of martial arts, and five thousand monster-pirates, not well-trained in anything, but bloodthirsty nonetheless.

  Just as Ms. Stingbottom had warned, all ten thousand were wearing earplugs.

  Closer and closer they marched, drums pounding and flags waving.

  The smell of ten thousand garbage trucks dumping their loads in the middle of a skunk convention grew stronger by the second. The overwhelming stench signaled the time was at hand.

  The front lawn of Scary School was soon to be a historic battleground.

  When the monsters arrived, it was quiet and virtually empty, save for one student.

  Charles Nukid.

  Charles stood proud and unflinching. He wore his gray shorts, white dress shirt, and polka-dot tie—the school uniform that everyone else refused to wear. If he was going to die, he was going to die following the rules. He stared with defiance at the massive army before him.

  Charles calmly patted his head to make sure no hairs were out of place.

  Ten thousand monsters bared their lethal fangs and raised their sharp swords.

  Charles Nukid, who looked more like a oversized toothpick than a human boy, raised his two fists and said:

  “Bring it on.”

  20

  The Monsters Attack

  The ten thousand monsters were flabbergasted by the boldness of the skinny kid in front of them. Their claws and teeth were twitching and tingling in anticipation of shredding him like paper and eating him alive!

  King Zog and Captain Pigbeard emerged from the ranks. The king’s animal-hide robe was sparkling with jewels. His skull crown was resting proudly atop his fat toad head. The scent of fresh lilacs was wafting off his body.

  Captain Pigbeard stood next to him dressed in full pirate regalia. The rings on his tusks and snout were shimmering in the sunlight.

  “Yar! Ye be the boy who has stolen my hideous bride!” Pigbeard declared.

  “You have also taken King Zog’s daughter without permission!” King Zog hollered from atop the hill, pompously referring to himself in the third person.

  “Yeah. What are you going to do about it?” Charles Nukid replied.

  The monsters growled in disbelief.

  King Zog shouted, “None of your friends have come to support you. But King Zog is not without a heart. Give Zogette back to us, and King Zog shall let you live.”

  “No! You are trespassing on Scary School property. Be gone from here, and I shall let you live.”

  The monsters broke out in laughter.

  “Avast!” shouted Captain Pigbeard. “This be your last chance. Tell me where be my bride!”

  “Never!”

  King Zog raised his scepter. “Very well, then. Monsters
…ATTAAAAAACK!”

  Elated at the order, ten thousand monsters roared as loud as they could.

  Captain Pigbeard raised his sword in front of the five thousand monster-pirates. The monster-pirates raised their own swords in response. They were dressed in frilly pirate costumes with puffy shirts, pantaloons, tricorn hats, eye patches, and jackets with gold buttons. Their horns jutted through holes in their hats, and their claws poked through their boots. The eight nearest Charles rampaged toward him crying out “Yaaar!” and “Aye, matey!”

  Charles turned and ran as fast as he could toward the front entrance of the school. The monster-pirates were quickly closing the gap behind him. Charles crossed the drawbridge, but when the pirates got there, eight fearsome tentacles shot out of the moat, snatching the monster-pirates with immense suckers.

  The captured monster-pirates squealed and writhed, but could not escape. Archie pulled them into the water and had a very satisfying breakfast. Giant squids like eating pirates because they taste like seafood.

  Captain Pigbeard squealed with rage. He ordered the rest of the monster-pirates into Scary School’s front entrance. Charles stood at the end of the hallway making faces to tease them into attacking recklessly. The monster-pirates charged, but the floors had been coated with a fine layer of water from Marvin the ogre’s new mop bucket. They slipped backward, falling on their pirate pantaloons. As they crashed on top of one another, a mass of third graders leaped out of the lockers. Working together, they lifted the monster-pirates and threw them into the lockers, shutting the doors and trapping them helplessly inside.

  Captain Pigbeard was furious. This time, he himself led the monster-pirates inside to capture Charles. Pigbeard entered the hallway much more cautiously.

  Again, Charles appeared and made a face at them. The fastest monster-pirate ran after Charles. But just before the monster could grab hold of Charles’s collar, the vile green claw lunged out of Locker 39. It grabbed the stunned monster-pirate by its horns, and pulled it into the Locker of Infinite Oblivion.