Long_Distance Coffee

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  Erin booted up her laptop, and the second it was on, she clicked into Skype.

  BlackVelvetBitches: Hey, Ms. Writer. You online?

  She sat back and stared at the screen, hoping.

  IsabellaMartinez1: Briefly, yes. I’m making dinner so I’ll have to put the iPad away soon.

  BlackVelvetBitches: Okay. First of all: Thank you SO MUCH for the package! I’ve tried the coffee and read the letter and lost my shit over the FitWatch :-D

  IsabellaMartinez1: I’m so glad to hear it arrived in good condition and that you liked it. Richard will be home any second, so I should hurry up with dinner, but perhaps we can speak later? I can convince Richard to take Alberto for an evening walk and we can perhaps video call? I think we might need to talk about the letter face-to-face.

  Erin shouted, “Hell yes,” probably annoying the neighbor again. She was going to see Isabella again, and maybe they could finally get some answers before this thing ate her whole from the inside. She calmed herself enough to type.

  BlackVelvetBitches: Sure. One thing before I let you go, though? Are you sure about this watch thingy? It must have cost you a fortune?

  IsabellaMartinez1: I can easily afford it. Consider it payment for your stretching instructions and the refresher course I’m sure I’ll need soon. Enjoy it, and let me know if it is any good.

  Erin could live with that.

  BlackVelvetBitches: I’m sure it’s going to be awesome. Thank you so freakin’ much, Isabella!

  IsabellaMartinez1: You’re welcome, preciosa. I’d better get back to dinner before it burns to a crisp. Speak soon.

  BlackVelvetBitches: Yeah, catch you later!

  A rush of happiness hit again, as Erin looked at the square box containing her new treasure. Unexpectedly, her Skype pinged with a new message.

  IsabellaMartinez1: To make sure we can easily reach each other even when we are not online, why don’t I give you my phone number so you can text me? And vice versa, if I need to get hold of you?

  BlackVelvetBitches: Great idea!

  Erin wrote out her number and Isabella replied with hers.

  IsabellaMartinez1: There, I have that in my BlackBerry now. I’ll speak to you after we’ve eaten.

  BlackVelvetBitches: Cool, I’ll mock you for having a Blackberry later then. :-P Enjoy dinner, and kiss the kid on his fluffy little head for me.

  Erin wasn’t sure if she was assuming too much, but she felt pretty sure that there was a woman in Naples, Florida looking at the words his fluffy little head her iPad screen and rolling her eyes. It was way too much fun to tease Isabella about her cute lil’ man.

  Chapter 20

  One Step Ahead

  Isabella put Alberto in his baby bouncer by her chair and quickly grabbed her iPad. She knew she’d made Erin wait for far too long, but there had been no other choice.

  She clicked the button to call Erin and got a reply quickly. The screen resolved into the image of the blonde New Yorker, this time with her hair down and resting against her T-shirt clad shoulders. Isabella knitted her brows.

  “Aren’t you cold, Erin? You’re in a T-shirt!”

  “No, I’m actually a bit sweaty. I’ve been doing jumping jacks with my new FitWatch on and monitoring my pulse. This thing is great! Thank you, again.”

  “Don’t mention it. I’m glad you are enjoying it.”

  The smile on the screen faded, and Erin looked right into the camera before speaking again. “And the coffee was yummy, so thanks for that too.”

  “It is very nice, isn’t it? Unique flavor, I think. I’ve ordered three more packages. They should be arriving any day now.”

  “Good idea. It’s delicious. But I suppose, we should talk about the letter, right?”

  Isabella’s pulse rate suddenly climbed to heights that Erin’s FitWatch would probably be impressed with. She knew she should actually be talking about what had made her keep Erin waiting for so long. But as it was connected to the contents of the letter, and as she didn’t know where to start, this was as good a place as any.

  “Yes, I suppose we should. So, what were your thoughts?” Isabella asked.

  With a heavy sigh, Erin spoke. “Well, first of all, I think it’s admirable that you tried to make a family for Alberto, even though you didn’t know Richard or have much in common with him. Secondly, I know how easily you can be fooled into thinking that someone is right for you, just because they gave you what you needed at a certain point of your life. I’ve had relationships like that in the past.”

  “Right. You understand what happened. I’m glad to hear it,” Isabella said.

  Erin was fidgeting in her seat. It looked like she was steeling herself. Isabella braced herself for what might come next.

  “I have to be honest, though. I don’t think it’s a good enough reason for you to stay with him. I’m not just saying that because of how I feel about you. I’m not in this equation. I can’t be. It’s just that you are too amazing to force yourself to live a life you feel trapped in. Alberto’s not going to thank you for making him grow up in a pretend family, you know? Remember the stuff I said after you had that nightmare? All that still stands. Anyway, it’s not really any of my business, but it breaks my heart to think of you being as unhappy as you seem in this letter.”

  Isabella smiled a little to herself. Erin didn’t know, of course, what had happened before this call, just after she and Richard ate dinner. Erin hadn’t been there to see the walls come tumbling down. It was so strange. Isabella had had serious conversations in the past. But all she remembered, even right after they’d taken place, was a blur of fearful emotions followed either by relief when the conversation ended positively, or dread and defeat when it ended badly.

  Tonight’s conversation was different. This one she remembered in minute detail. It was as if her fear and anxiety had heightened her presence in the moment and seared it into her mind. She could recall the scent of their dinner still lingering in the air, her clammy palms, and the look of unease on Richard’s face. And every single word they’d said.

  She hadn’t planned to talk to him then. The idea had been to talk to Erin and see what an outsider thought. Then, probably, Isabella would have dedicated the following night to getting a babysitter and sitting down with Richard, to spending the night explaining everything and building up to the big decision. Things were rarely that easy. Plans never seemed to work out in real life.

  Instead, Isabella had looked at Richard, really looked at him, while they ate. He avoided her gaze. More than that, he avoided looking at Alberto, who sat in his baby bouncer next to the dining table, gumming at a toy.

  There were dark rings under his eyes, and the furrows on his forehead had deepened substantially since she’d last looked at them. This was not a happy man. Isabella immediately gave up the thought that this was the life Richard wanted. He wasn’t as complacent and satisfied with things as he’d seemed.

  She put her knife and fork down on her plate. In the silent room, it clattered far too loudly. Richard glanced up and swallowed his mouthful. She placed her hand on top of his, and he looked at her, worry etched in every line of his face.

  “Richard, are you all right?”

  He hesitated before answering, and the smile on his face was painted on. “Yes, of course. I’m fit as a fiddle, and work’s good. As usual.”

  She sighed. Couldn’t he sense that she was beyond their usual game of pretense? “Be that as it may. I can tell that something is wrong,” she prompted.

  He cleared his throat. “There’s…a lot on my mind.”

  Isabella removed her hand and sat back in her chair. “Well, if everything at work is good, I assume that the things on your mind concern our home life.”

  He looked as if he was about to deny it, but his face fell and he reached for his beer. He took a big gulp, then put the glass down. “Perhaps, yes. You can’t fault me for that. I know something’s eating you too, Isabella. You just aren’t talking about it.”

  Her
body started to give confusing signals. Her hands felt cold but sweaty, while her face felt flushed with heat. It was as if the words came from someone else. “Then let’s change that. We need to talk about us.”

  He nodded and looked like a little boy about to get chastised by his parents.

  She pressed on. She intertwined her fingers in her lap and held on to herself as though she could be comforted by holding her own hand.

  “I don’t know where to start this conversation. I was hoping to have a little more time to think this through but…here we are. So, I’ll just say it. I wanted us to stay together to be good parents to Alberto, but I’m not happy. I haven’t been since we decided to live together. That seemed like a fair trade before, but now…I’ve spoken to someone online who has made me realize what a different person I can be when I feel challenged and, well, contented, maybe. I think I could be a better mother, a better writer, and a better person if I was happy.”

  “I know,” Richard said quietly.

  Isabella stared up at him. Of all the things she had expected him to say to that admission, this was not one of them. “Excuse me?”

  “I know. I’ve known for some time that you were miserable. I am too. I love you, Isabella, but we don’t make a good couple. There’s no passion, and we’re so…out of sync. We don’t have much to talk about, and we’re always walking on eggshells around each other. Sometimes, God, sometimes, it feels like you’re a stranger!”

  Isabella felt the heat in her face increase, and she started to feel dizzy. “Then…why haven’t you said anything?”

  “The same reason as you. I wanted us to be a family for Alberto, and I wasn’t sure if I deserved to be selfish here. I already failed as a husband and father once. I didn’t want to fail again.”

  Isabella swallowed hard. “What’s made you change your mind, then?”

  Richard laughed but there was no joy in it. “Shay, funnily enough. About two weeks ago, when I went to pick up Joshua, she and I got to talking. Since then, we’ve spoken a few times a week. Just short calls on my lunch break, nothing shady.”

  He paused and looked almost wistful as he continued, “But she says she misses me, she said she misses her best friend. Can you imagine that, Isabella? Being married to your best friend? There’s nothing quite like it. I guess being separated has made us both realize that. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I don’t know what to do.”

  Isabella tried to take a deep breath but only sucked in a little air in a quick hiss, as if her lungs refused to open properly until this was all resolved.

  “You mean you’re considering going back to Shay and Joshua?”

  Richard frowned and scratched his head agitatedly. “I don’t know. I feel bad, like having a new family made me realize how much I loved my old one. But it’s not like that. You and Alberto mean a lot to me, and I will always adore Alberto. It’s just…”

  “Your heart lies elsewhere,” Isabella suggested softly.

  “Yes, exactly. I don’t want to walk out on you and Alberto, though. I promised I wouldn’t do that. I can’t go back on that now, no matter what I’m feeling. After all, it’s because of me that you are living in Florida, and I know you quit your job in Philadelphia, giving up your income. But…I just…feel like I’m letting you down all the time. I don’t want to keep doing that. However, I don’t want to break my promise about staying either.”

  “You won’t be.” Isabella smiled softly. “Not if we’re both setting ourselves free from a loveless relationship to go in search of what makes us happy. Don’t worry about my financial situation. I have savings, as you know, and the family fortune to fall back on, if I really need it. Besides, when Alberto is older, I was going to try to find work again, anyway.”

  There was a long, heavy pause.

  “So, what are you going to do, Isabella? Are you moving back to Philadelphia?”

  Isabella sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to take Alberto so far away from you.”

  Richard turned to look at Alberto, who was shaking his toy animatedly and then putting it back into his mouth.

  “Well, right now, I live under the same roof as him, and I barely see him. When I’m home, he’s always with you, up in that room. I don’t see him on weekends, and he doesn’t even sleep in the same room as me. He barely knows who I am. Part of that is that you are so close to him, and part of it is that I feel so disconnected from him. He never felt like my son. Maybe that’s because we never felt like a family. And that’s on me. I should’ve made more of an effort.”

  He stopped for a moment. Isabella watched him swallow visibly and grip onto the table with whitening knuckles. He looked like he needed the support of the sturdy, wooden table to be able to get the next words out. “But lately, I’ve felt guilty when I look at him. Guilty because I haven’t spent time with him. And if I’m honest, guilty because Joshua feels more like my son than he does. Isn’t that despicable? I’m such a shitty father.”

  Isabella pressed her lips together and shook her head. The honesty of the conversation was making her uncomfortable, but she forced herself to stay put and keep talking.

  “It isn’t just your fault. I kept Alberto to myself, because I didn’t trust anyone else, and maybe because on some level…I didn’t want him to love anyone but me. Because if he did, he might prefer them to me. And I don’t know if I could survive that.”

  Richard tried to hide a sniffle, but Isabella could see he was crying.

  “Anyway, things are the way they are. If I were to see him less often, it would force me to make the effort, and you’d have to let go a little if he was going to have any relationship with me at all. I think it would force us both to alter the behavior that got us into this mess as parents.”

  “I would let go more then, yes. As you say, I’d have to if I didn’t want him to lose out on having a connection with you. If I moved back to Philadelphia and you moved in with Shay and Joshua, I suppose you would spend your weekdays with Joshua, freeing your weekends and vacations up to visit Alberto? And when Alberto gets older, he and I can come down here to visit.”

  Richard sniffed, and Isabella handed him her unused napkin. He thanked her and blew his nose. “Yeah, I suppose. You know that I’ve always loved traveling, and going up to Philly to see my boy could be a nice tradition. I mean, who knows? I might not live in Florida for the rest of my life. There are plenty of nature reserves in this country that could use me fighting for them,” he said with hope in his voice.

  Isabella hoped her smile showed the tenderness she felt. “Of course. And maybe Alberto and I will miss the Florida sun and come back one day. Whatever happens, I won’t let my son grow up completely without a father. I’ll bend over backward to ensure you two spend time together, be that face-to-face whenever we have time or via Skype calls.”

  Richard smiled back. “Either way, the time I spend with him might not be in huge quantity, but we’ll damn well make sure it’s higher in quality than what he has now.”

  Isabella’s eyes stung with tears, but she kept smiling.

  All of a sudden, Richard chuckled, making her jump.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just…whoa. What a relief. I can’t believe months of complacency and weeks of agonizing was resolved so damn fast!”

  Isabella laughed too, trying not to blink so the tears wouldn’t fall. “Yes, we’re lucky that we were both unhappy and questioning things. I suppose we were finally in sync for the last leg of our relationship. Better late than never.”

  “I suppose so,” Richard said.

  They were quiet for a while, both getting their bearings. Richard drank deep from his beer, and Isabella slowly released her intertwined fingers, which had gone numb from the squeezing. She brushed away a single tear that escaped her eye and wiped underneath it to clean off any mascara. She wouldn’t cry. If she did, she’d break down completely. And that was not the way Isabella Martinez had been raised. As always, she heard her mother’s voice.
Losing control over yourself is losing in life, Isabella.

  It was Richard who finally broke the long silence. “So, um, are you going to tell me about him?”

  “Who? Alberto?”

  “No, the guy! The guy you met online, the one who made you realize that you were unhappy.”

  Isabella hummed, feeling the corners of her mouth quirk up. “Remember that evening when I told you I was going to go upstairs and talk to a woman in New York?”

  “Uh, yeah, vague memory of that, yes. Hang on, was she the chick who showed you stretches or something while I took care of Alberto on Sunday?”

  Isabella braced herself. “Yes, that’s Erin. Well, she’s ‘the guy.’”

  Richard looked confused. “Oh, right. Sorry, I thought it was someone who was romantically interested in you that made you face up to your unhappiness.”

  “It was. She is interested in me, and the feeling is mutual, even though it is still very early days. However, I hasten to add that I am not going to jump into a relationship with her. She isn’t the reason I believe we should end our relationship.”

  “No, I get that. Our breakup is about you and me, not about this woman you met or about Shay. I have to say, though, I didn’t know you were…”

  “Bisexual? Neither did I, really. If that is what I am. All I know is that I am interested in her, and she’s made me feel things I haven’t felt for a very long time. If ever. Maybe one day, something will come of it. But for now, I’m just grateful that her appearance in my life opened my eyes, for all our sakes—yours, mine, and most importantly, Alberto’s.”

  After that, there hadn’t been much to say. They both had plans to iron out, decisions to make, and people to talk to about their conversation.

  When Isabella’s hand fell onto his shoulder, she felt how warm it was from all his anxious energy. He had looked up at her with grateful, tear-filled eyes when she told him he should go call Shay. She took over his usual job of washing the dishes.