One Thousand Stars and You

by Isabelle Broom

  Very slowly, she removed her hand from Max’s grasp, knowing that it was probably the last time she would ever feel the warmth of his touch, or the comfort of him being so close to her, and wanting to be even closer. She made herself look at him, properly this time, and was greeted with an expression of such unwavering devotion that her resolve almost crumbled away like the red dust up on Adam’s Peak.

  ‘This isn’t real, Max,’ she said softly. ‘How can it be? I can’t trust it – and what if I’m wrong, and you’re wrong? It would fall apart. And it’s not fair on Richard, or my family.’

  Max’s expression cracked. She could almost see his hope begin to shatter.

  ‘I understand all that,’ he said sadly. ‘But what about you?’

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘What about what’s fair for you?’ he asked. ‘I know you don’t want to hurt anyone – hell, neither do I. But sometimes you should be that reckless person; sometimes there is no easy option,’ he insisted. ‘You won’t ever reach the potential you have for real happiness unless you take some risks in life – and I know you, Alice. I’ve seen you come alive in front of my eyes.’

  ‘But I can’t trust that person – the version of me that I am with you,’ she said, her frustration at hurting him causing her voice to come out high and desperate. ‘Sooner or later, I would make another mistake. And then what?’

  Max shook his head. ‘You are a person, Alice,’ he said. ‘You’re not a mistake waiting to happen. And of course I can’t promise you that things will work out, and that you will never get hurt again, even. That’s the pain and beauty of life – none of us know what will happen; all we can do is ride the waves that life throws at us. And I want to ride them with you.’

  Alice opened her mouth to argue, but Max held up a hand to silence her.

  ‘All I know is that I have never felt this way before,’ he said, his eyes now pleading. ‘Not ever. Life is too short to ignore feelings like this. I could have left Sri Lanka and never said anything, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be honest, because I owe that much to myself, as well as to you.’

  ‘I should never have done that skydive,’ she muttered. ‘It was selfish of me, and stupid.’

  Max gaped at her.

  ‘But you loved every second of it,’ he said. ‘I saw you. I saw how much it meant to you.’

  ‘You saw what you wanted to see,’ she replied, more snappily than she had intended. ‘I’m not some problem that needs fixing, Max. I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions about who I want to be and who I want to be with.’

  ‘OK.’ Max held up both his hands. Alice could tell that she had hurt him, but she didn’t seem able to stop. It was almost as if someone really had given her a shovel, and now she was using it to determinedly dig her way into a hole too deep to come back from.

  Max had fallen silent now, and this time when she looked at him, Alice could see the defeat in his eyes. She wanted nothing more in that moment than to crawl across the sand and into his arms, to give in to the want that was tearing through her and let him kiss away all her fears. But she needed to be more sensible than that. She had to be.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said redundantly.

  Max’s mouth was set in a thin, hard line and the colour had drained from his cheeks. He looked hot and agitated.

  ‘Don’t say sorry to me,’ he said abruptly. ‘Save the apologies for yourself – you’re going to need them when you wake up one day and realise you’ve thrown your life away, all because you were too scared to face up to who you really are and what you really want.’

  What could she say? Alice had a terrible feeling that he was right, but the fear was too great. It had anchored itself inside her, and was holding her to ransom now, so that she was unable to speak or move or do anything other than stare at him. She watched in helpless anguish as Max got slowly and clumsily to his feet, wincing as the weight went down on to his prosthetic leg.

  ‘I’m not even upset for myself,’ he said grimly, looking down at her with what Alice took to be disgust. ‘I’m upset for the girl that you turned your back on. She is the real you, and you will never be happy until you come to terms with that.’

  He turned and began to walk away, leaving Alice alone on the sand. A big part of her wished that he would storm back over and shout at her, order her to stop being such a coward, because knowing that she was about to lose him for good was making it hard for her to breathe. How could she let this man go? How would she live with herself?

  She started to get up, ready to chase after him, but then a thought stopped her.

  How could she ever be happy with Max if he became the reason for causing so much pain to the people she cared about the most? She would only end up resenting him, and everything would fall apart.

  She picked up a handful of sand, and then another, hurling clumps of it into the air over and over until trenches appeared on either side of her. While the two of them had been talking, the dark mass of the ocean had finally swallowed the sun, and the moon had crept up to replace it.

  Alice got to her feet and started to hurry down the beach, reluctant to spend another moment in her own, cowardly company, but the soft sand fell away with each step, slowing her progress until she began to swear with frustration. She could see Max up ahead, not far from the beach bar, but as she stared at him he vanished. Alice blinked, squinting into the distance as terror hammered through her. Then she began to run.

  Max had fallen, and he wasn’t getting back up.

  45

  The events of the next ten minutes sped by in such a blur that Alice would later find that she could never recount each one separately. After she saw Max collapse, she ran as fast as she could along the beach, shouting his name as she went, followed by Jamal’s, and punctuating each one with the word help, yelled as loudly and as urgently as she could muster. She reached Max at the same time as Jamal emerged from the beach bar, his brown eyes widening as he took in the scene.

  ‘Shit!’ he swore, almost losing his footing in his haste to reach his friend. Alice, who had dropped to her knees in the sand beside Max, leaned over to check if he was still conscious.

  ‘He’s breathing,’ she told Jamal, putting a shaky hand across Max’s clammy forehead.

  Jamal was kneeling down now, too, the upper half of his body bent over Max as he attempted to rouse him.

  ‘What happened?’ he asked, looking sidelong at Alice.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she cried. ‘We were talking, and then he left and I was following him and he just …’ A sob broke noisily through her words. ‘He just fell over. I don’t know.’

  Jamal didn’t reply, instead turning to Steph, who was now making her way across the sand towards them, a shocked hand covering her mouth.

  ‘Can you get me some water?’ he asked, and Steph hurried back the way she had just come, only to return half a minute later with a full bottle and Maureen hot on her heels.

  ‘What the hell?’ Maur exclaimed, looking first at Max then at Alice, who was still struggling not to cry.

  Jamal unscrewed the bottle and poured some of the water over Max’s face, being careful not to get any in his airways. There was a pause of a few seconds, in which nobody spoke, and then Max blearily opened his eyes, causing Alice to choke out a strangled sob of relief.

  ‘I’ve got you, mate,’ said Jamal, hoisting Max up until he was in a sitting position. ‘Can you try to drink some water for me?’

  ‘Has he got sunstroke?’ asked Maureen, as Steph put a comforting hand on Alice’s shoulder.

  ‘He was fine,’ Alice said. ‘I mean, he did seem a bit like his leg was hurting, but he didn’t say anything about feeling ill.’

  Jamal’s eyes darkened. ‘His leg was hurting?’ he checked, and Alice nodded numbly.

  ‘Yes. He didn’t say as much, but I could tell.’

  Jamal chewed his bottom lip for a moment, thinking. Max had sipped the water, but his eyes were closed again, and Alice could see the
sweat pooling on his upper lip. He looked sick, she realised, as if he had flu. Why hadn’t she noticed earlier? Why hadn’t she done something?

  ‘Can you go and ask one of the lads behind the bar to come and help me?’ Jamal said to Maureen. ‘I need to get him back to the treehouse. He needs rest and fluids.’

  Maureen did as she was told, and within a few minutes, Jamal and two of the Cinnabar Resort staff had half carried and half dragged Max across the bar and up the steps to Wood House. Alice heard the word ‘doctor’ as she trailed miserably behind them, and a cold hand of fear clutched icy fingers around her heart.

  Steph followed the men up the stairs, only to return a few minutes later shaking her head.

  ‘Jamal says we should stay down here,’ she said. ‘Max is OK, he’s talking and making sense, but he needs some rest.’

  ‘Does Jamal know what the matter is?’ Maureen asked.

  ‘It’s his leg,’ said Steph, glancing over her shoulder towards the closed door of the treehouse. ‘It’s in a right state. Jamal thinks an infection may have set in, but they’re waiting for a doctor.’

  ‘Shit,’ said Maureen, her expression grim. ‘Poor Max.’

  Alice didn’t say anything; she couldn’t say anything. She felt like she had swallowed a fistful of broken glass. All she seemed capable of doing was crying.

  ‘Hey.’ Steph attempted to give her a hug, but Alice pulled away. ‘I’m sure he’ll be OK,’ she went on. ‘Try not to worry.’

  ‘He just fucking collapsed!’ exclaimed Alice, her voice rising. ‘Of course I’m bloody worried.’

  Steph’s eyes filled with tears.

  ‘I’m just trying to stay positive,’ she said, and Maureen stepped forward before Alice could snap again.

  ‘Clearly Alice is very worried,’ she said calmly. ‘She doesn’t know what she’s saying, do you, Alice?’

  Alice sighed, weariness setting in just as rapidly as her anger had a moment ago. ‘Sorry for snapping.’

  ‘It’s OK.’ Steph, always so reasonable, managed to smile at her. ‘Forget it.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Maur, gesturing back towards the bar area. ‘There’s no point standing here like a bunch of coconuts all night. We’ll be able to see from the bar when the doctor turns up, and after he’s gone we can find out what’s going on, OK?’

  Alice could not think of a reason to disagree, even though the thought of sitting still made her limbs itch with frustration. She knew that she couldn’t do anything for Max, but she wanted to stay as close to him as she could, just in case he needed her, or asked for her. Then again, she thought forlornly, following the other two into the bar, after what she had just said to him on the beach, Max would probably never want to see her again.

  46

  The three girls sat in the bar until the staff began to close it down around them, sweeping sand off the wooden stepping stones and blowing out the candles that had been keeping the mosquitoes at bay. A doctor had arrived several hours ago by tuk-tuk, staying up in the treehouse for around ten minutes before re-emerging with a grim expression on his face. For Alice, who had become accustomed to seeing a smile on the face of most Sri Lankans she encountered, witnessing the doctor look so ashen was akin to a shadow falling across her hopes.

  They dithered for a while, debating what to do, and then Steph’s phone pinged with a message from Jamal, telling her not to worry and that they should turn in for the night.

  ‘But what did the doctor say?’ Alice demanded. ‘Is he going to be all right?’

  Steph shrugged. ‘He doesn’t say. I guess Max must be OK, or they would be going to hospital or something.’

  ‘Can’t you ask him?’ Alice was exasperated.

  Steph pulled a face. ‘I don’t want to start bombarding him with twenty questions, not when he’s got Max to worry about,’ she said. ‘I’m sure we’ll see Max in the morning and it will all be fine. He probably just got dehydrated or something. Maybe the leg is just a red herring?’

  She really was taking her positive nature to the extreme, Alice thought.

  Eventually they could ignore the pleading stares of the bar staff no longer, and even Alice conceded that the best thing to do would be to retire for the night. She had no intention of sleeping, however. She wanted to stay alert in case anything happened.

  ‘You can’t sleep in the hammock,’ Steph said gently, watching Alice with sad eyes as she clambered into it. ‘You’ll get eaten alive out here.’

  ‘I don’t care.’ Alice was resolute. As far as she was concerned, she deserved to be dinner for a thousand insects.

  ‘Well, at least use this, then,’ said Maureen, tossing her a can of repellent spray. ‘There’s no point contracting malaria because you were too bloody-minded to sleep under a net.’

  After they had closed the treehouse door behind them, Alice settled back in her canvas cocoon and stared up through the wicker roof of the balcony to where the stars were twinkling beyond. Thinking about Max was too painful, so she thought about Freddie instead, wondering how her brother had got himself to such a dark and lonely place, and why he hadn’t felt able to confide in her. For as long as Alice could cast her tired mind back to recall, Freddie had been the cherry on her parents’ Bakewell tart, but she remembered now how odd his choice of career had seemed to her when he first broke the news.

  They had both been sitting at their parents’ kitchen table at the time, Freddie opening the bottle of red wine he had brought to go with Sunday lunch.

  ‘You’re going to be a banker?’ she had scoffed. ‘You? Mister scuffed trainers and three-day-old stubble? I don’t think so.’

  Freddie had shrugged. ‘It’s good money,’ he had said.

  ‘And?’ Alice could remember that she had actually laughed at him. ‘Since when do you care about money?’

  It was at that moment that their mum had interjected, kissing Freddie on the top of his head as she wandered from the fridge back to the stove.

  ‘Since he wanted to make us proud,’ she had said warmly. ‘Someone has to keep us in our old age, you know.’

  Alice had frowned at her brother, finding him all of a sudden a person she did not know as well as she had thought. Freddie had always told her that he wanted to work for a charity, that he liked the idea of starting something non-profit that would benefit others. This new direction seemed out of character for a man who could never go past a donation box without emptying his pockets of change. Freddie cried at the Comic Relief films on the telly, and bought dog food and cups of tea for the homeless – he had never been the type of person to chase profit for a big, faceless corporation.

  ‘This isn’t you,’ she had said, making sure their mum did not overhear, and Freddie had simply nodded, his expression resigned.

  ‘I know,’ he’d whispered. ‘But at least she’s happy.’

  Alice hadn’t needed to ask who he meant by ‘she’. Like her, Freddie did everything he could to keep their mum happy. Alice understood that her accident had been traumatic for her mother – perhaps even more so than it had been for Alice – and so she kept trying to make up for it, time and time again.

  Freddie had been caught up in it all, too, of course. He had been a teenager when Alice fell off the roof, and all his own freedoms disappeared overnight, even though he had not been the one who was hurt. Even when Freddie went away to university in London, he had to call home each night to let their mother know he was safe – a routine that lasted his entire first year. How smothered he must have felt, Alice realised now. And it was all because of her.

  Max was right, her brother was not happy. He had never been happy – not really. The life he was living was one he had constructed out of a desire to please other people, and maintaining that lie had cost him everything – almost his life.

  Alice closed her eyes, shutting out the stars, only to jump violently as the treehouse door creaked open and Steph emerged, her frizzy hair askew. She was wearing pink denim shorts and a vest top with a picture of a cat wea
ring a tiara on the front. Seeing that Alice was still awake, she tiptoed over.

  ‘Jamal just texted,’ she said, keeping her voice low so as not to wake Maureen. ‘I’m going over to see him.’

  ‘I’m coming with you.’ Alice was already on her feet. She hadn’t bothered to get changed when they returned from the bar, and had just pulled on a Harry Potter T-shirt over her black playsuit.

  Steph threw her a slightly puzzled glance, but didn’t argue, and the two of them hurried quickly down the wooden steps and across the sandy pathway that separated the boys’ treehouse from their own.

  Jamal’s expression softened as soon as he saw Steph at the door, but his eyes narrowed when Alice came into view behind her.

  ‘Is Max OK?’ Alice asked, choosing to ignore the obvious frostiness. She tried to peer through the gap in the door, but all she saw of Max was a section of his bare chest on the double bed.

  Jamal pulled the door shut behind him. ‘He needs rest.’

  ‘Can I see him?’ Alice asked, hearing the pleading tone in her own unsteady voice. ‘I could sit with him for a bit if you need a break?’

  ‘I don’t need a break,’ Jamal said, all trace of his usual good humour absent. ‘And, to be honest, I think you are the last person that he needs to see right now.’

  Alice recoiled as if she’d been struck, and Jamal rolled his eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but he’s been talking a lot in his sleep and well … I just think that whatever was said between you two earlier has upset him. I don’t want him getting all worked up.’