The Last Days of Us

by Beck Nicholas

  Luc is daring me to be happy. I just don’t know what that is anymore.

  ‘Rise and shine, sleepyheads,’ chirps Jolie. ‘Or there won’t be time for an early morning swim.’

  I make the mistake of turning towards her and catch Luc’s dark gaze. I hold my breath, expecting his eyes to narrow at the sight of me. He was so frustrated last night—and I can’t entirely blame him. I’ve been the queen of mixed signals.

  But instead of annoyance, a slow smile curves his lips and I forget to breathe.

  What if I didn’t ruin my chances with him?

  Then a pillow lands on his head, courtesy of his sister. ‘Hurry up,’ she says. ‘We need to pack up and go to the beach and then I was thinking we could stop and see one of the waterfalls in the Otways on the way through to Melbourne. As well as leaving plenty of time to rest before the concert.’

  I can’t help laughing at the excited list that tumbles from her lips. She’s right, there’s a lot to do before the concert tonight.

  Most important of which is that I need to speak to Luc. Not that I have a clue what I’m going to say. Well, not exactly.

  It turns out I have plenty of time to think as I eat my last snack tub of peaches and help take down the tent. To think, and to study Luc, who seems completely unconcerned by our encounter last night. I keep sneaking glances his way as I pull tent pegs out of the ground but he’s busy laughing with Finn and teasing his sister and pretty much acting like I don’t exist.

  Which would make sense if he was angry, but I can’t forget that smile.

  After the tent is packed up and stowed in the back of the van, he heads off to use the limited amenities. I’m not quite desperate enough to follow him into the toilet.

  But as time passes I begin to wish I had. Unlike every other day on this road trip, getting Luc alone is not easy. I wait by our campsite for ages, until I’m the only one left by the van. Time is ticking and if I don’t move I’ll miss my chance for a swim. Luc probably went down to the beach another way—I’ll find him there.

  I find a tap by the toilets and use the rainwater to clean my teeth. Splashing water on my face does nothing to make my tired eyes feel less gritty, but a few strokes with the hairbrush help with some of the sand and salt tangled in my hair.

  As I walk back to drop my toiletries at the van I go around the front and bump into Cass. Literally.

  ‘Sorry,’ I say, my eyes watering from the stinging contact of head on nose. ‘I was daydreaming.’

  She has her phone in her hand and the other is rubbing at her forehead. ‘No, it was my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going.’

  It’s a civil conversation but the echoes of yesterday’s argument cloud everything. Her accusation about me sleeping with Luc suddenly seems kind of ironic, given that I’m currently looking for that very person to start . . . something.

  I try to read her expression but the white-rimmed sunglasses covering half her face make it impossible to guess what she’s thinking. Is she waiting for me to get out of her way? Or is she waiting for me to talk?

  Last night, after that little girl blew us both off the stage, I thought we shared something. A moment of understanding. Now, in the bright light of morning I’m not so sure. But she doesn’t move and I don’t walk away.

  ‘What is going on with you?’ My question surprises both of us. Wanting your best friend’s boyfriend makes deep and meaningful chats a bit awkward. I knew I was avoiding them, but suddenly I realise I’m not the only one.

  But Cass’s head drops and she half-turns away. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  She lifts her head and lines appear in her brow. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’ve known you forever. If you don’t want to talk I’m not going to force you, but you don’t have to pretend.’ I nudge her shoulder and offer what I hope is an understanding smile. ‘I know that sometimes talking isn’t the answer.’

  Her sigh is long, and when she lifts her glasses her eyes are shining. ‘I don’t know if I can tell you. It’s not like we’ve really—’

  ‘Just spit it out already.’

  She hesitates.

  I wait. This is familiar ground. Although she seems outgoing, Cass has always had trouble getting to what she wants to say, even when she wants to say it. If she hasn’t told me where to go by now, she must really want to talk.

  She takes her sunglasses off. Then puts them back on and huffs out a breath. ‘I’ve met someone.’

  My stomach tenses. This I was not expecting. ‘Someone?’

  ‘A guy.’

  I blink. This changes everything. ‘You’re cheating?’

  ‘No. Of course not. I wouldn’t do that to Finn.’ Something of how I feel must show on my face because she’s quick to add, ‘I didn’t mean . . .’

  ‘Mean what? That you’re not a slut like me who doesn’t care who they hurt?’ I try to keep my voice steady.

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’

  I shrug. It would be so easy to take offense and storm off. After all, she said a variation of the same thing to me yesterday morning. Except I know she didn’t mean it this time.

  And she needs me.

  I try for gentle. ‘So you’ve met someone, but nothing has happened?’

  She nods. ‘We connected through a friend of a friend, and got to know each other online. He’s amazing. I mean, we’ve only chatted so far, but . . . I don’t know. I’m so confused.’

  Online . . . that explains why she’s been glued to her phone so much. ‘So you’ve been talking to him this whole trip?’

  Red patches grow on her cheeks. ‘Not the whole time.’

  I don’t call her on the technicality. I don’t have to. ‘You like him?’

  ‘As a friend. I think. It’s not like we’ve sexted or anything.’

  She’s defensive and I don’t blame her. Cass isn’t the cheating type. Then again, neither was I. You can’t ever tell what’s going to happen. ‘So he’s just a friend. What’s the problem?’

  ‘He wants to meet when I get back from the trip.’ Her voice goes up at the end in a wail.

  ‘As friends?’

  ‘Well . . .’ She takes a deep breath and the red flush spreads to her throat. ‘I haven’t exactly told him about Finn.’

  I try to keep judgement out of my expression—really, who am I to judge? But I can’t help feeling bad for Finn. ‘What have you told this guy about the trip?’

  ‘The same story I told Mum. About you needing me to tag along.’

  ‘Oh.’

  She covers her face with her hands. ‘I know, I know. I should have told him I have a boyfriend, but you don’t understand. He’s sweet and funny and into the same things I am.’

  ‘You mean like Finn?’

  She doesn’t seem to hear. ‘The way he talks to me . . . it’s nice to feel interesting for a change. He likes me. He wants me.’ With her sunglasses now perched on her head I can’t miss her pointed look. ‘You know that when Finn actually had a choice, he chose you. I’ll always be second best.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ I say quickly, but it’s a waste of breath. We both know what she said is true. More than that, I was glad it was true, because I wanted him back. The fact that I’m not sure I do anymore is beside the point. I am so not the person to be counselling Cass on this.

  Her eyes won’t let me escape. ‘It’s not ridiculous at all. I mean, why else would he have chosen dare the other night?’

  ‘Maybe he just thought it would be better not to kiss and tell, rather than hurt either of us.’

  ‘Maybe. But you’d think if it was his girlfriend rather than his ex, he would have just said.’

  It’s exactly what I’d thought at the time. ‘Look, if you like-like this other guy, it’s only fair to tell Finn—especially after what happened to him last time.’

  Her eyes flash. ‘Because you’d know.’

  ‘Well, yeah.’ I nod, ignoring the bitterness in her voice. Hurting Finn isn’t something
I’m proud of. I’d hate to see it happen again.

  * * *

  I find Luc with Jolie near the remnants of yesterday’s sandcastle. As usual, they’re arguing.

  As I approach, Jolie shoves Luc in the chest. ‘Stop it.’

  He stumbles backwards at the contact, although I’m sure he didn’t need to. He holds his hands out, palms up, the picture of innocence. ‘Stop what?’

  Jolie’s hands go to her slender hips and she stands taller than I’ve seen her. ‘You’re as bad as Dad. Yes, it rained, and thanks to the fact that it’s summer and I was in a tent the whole time, I didn’t feel a single drop or even shiver. And let’s not forget I was curled up tight in my arctic-rated sleeping bag all night, unlike some.’ She stares long and hard between me and Luc, and I’m thankful the others are out of hearing range.

  ‘And despite all that, you’re looking at me and watching for the first sign of a cough or a sniffle.’ She steps closer and pokes him. ‘You’re fine. Zoey’s fine. And you were in the rain. I’m the picture of health. Let’s give it a rest and have a great last day, okay?’

  He doesn’t answer straight away and she crosses her arms.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ I say quickly, not wanting to get involved in Luc’s over-protective big brother act, however adorable it might be. I step between them, grab Luc’s wrist and tug him closer to the water’s edge, so much further out than it was yesterday. ‘Didn’t you say you wanted one last swim?’

  His gaze swings between the two of us and he sighs. ‘I don’t think I like the two of you ganging up on me.’

  Jolie smiles, clearly not missing the fact that I haven’t let go of Luc’s hand. ‘Looks like you might need to get used to it.’

  ‘I don’t reckon it’s anything I can’t handle.’

  She kicks some sand at him before heading back up towards the path, disappearing from view a minute later.

  Finally, Luc and I are alone.

  Well, apart from the other early morning swimmers and surfers and runners. Last night’s storm scoured the beach and tossed seaweed up onto the sand, leaving the whole place a little more wild than yesterday.

  The breeze messes his hair and I can’t help staring at those lips that kissed mine. That kiss has me questioning everything I thought I wanted, but actually saying it would make that change irreversible.

  ‘Luc, I—’

  ‘Don’t.’

  ‘But . . .’ This time all it takes is a look from him and my voice fades away, caught on the wind.

  He seems to consider carefully before he speaks. ‘There’s something between us. Something . . .’ He shrugs, but it’s not dismissive, more like it’s so huge he can’t find the words to describe it. ‘I don’t want to assume I know what you’re about to say, but I want to stop you if you’re about to declare your undying devotion to me. Because after that, we’d kiss, and you’d lose your heart to me forever, I’m not sure I’m willing to be held responsible for all that.’

  His tone is serious, but there’s amusement in his eyes. I blink as I try to take in what he’s saying. Despite trying to be annoyed, I can’t help it; I chuckle. ‘You have to be the most full of yourself guy on the planet.’

  His hand cups my cheek and he gives me one of those grins that melts me right down to my toes. ‘If I’m right about that—and you should know I’m hoping like crazy that I am—I want you to be ready to begin something amazing when you kiss me again.’ He drops his hand. ‘I don’t want to play games with you, Zoey.’

  I think about kissing him. Standing on tiptoe and claiming his mouth with mine, and starting that something he’s talking about. But he’s right. I need to get my head clear. ‘So, you’re suggesting a truce of sorts,’ I say, trying not to look at his mouth.

  He nods. ‘A truce. Of sorts. That doesn’t mean I’m going to pretend I don’t think you’re incredibly hot. And sometimes incredibly frustrating. Take your fun hobby of going for a run in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, by yourself. Hello, axe-murderers, Zoey’s your perfect target.’

  I arch a brow. ‘Really? It’s not enough that you’re driving Jolie mad with your protectiveness? I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself, thank you very much.’ I try to sound confident—he might have a point, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of conceding.

  Luc laughs, but the sound fades as he looks over my shoulder.

  I turn to see Finn loping across the sand towards us, his board under his arm. Sweet, gorgeous Finn, who I thought I loved and who I was so sure I wanted back. I’d completely forgotten he might be around.

  ‘Hey,’ I say. Too fast. Too bright.

  He’s frowning, looking between me and Luc. ‘Sorry to interrupt.’

  My giggle is high and unnatural. ‘You didn’t.’

  Luc says nothing.

  Finn shrugs and seems relieved. The smile he gives me is extra warm, a little like the ones we used to share. ‘Have you seen Cass?’

  Have I? I picture my friend’s silly hopeful expression when I left her at the van, messaging away on her phone. I could tell Finn, and he’d catch her and maybe he’d finally ask who she was talking to all the time.

  Then I look at Luc.

  I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want Finn. But letting go of the idea of being my old self again isn’t easy. I hesitate.

  ‘She headed that way,’ Luc says, pointing.

  ‘Actually,’ I find my voice, pointing in the opposite direction, ‘I think she headed that way.’

  Finn jogs away in the direction I indicated.

  Luc frowns. ‘I thought you were past that.’

  ‘Cass needs some time alone.’

  He shakes his head.

  And I hate him a little then. The kind of hate that makes me reach out towards his bare skin. Because this spark between us won’t go away. If I touch him now he’ll stop looking at me like I was keeping Finn and Cass apart for my own ends. Because while that might not be true, I did hesitate.

  I let my fingers trace the muscles of his bare stomach. I’m not breaking his rule—it’s not a kiss. He jerks back. ‘What are you doing?’

  I’m on dangerous ground but I can’t seem to stop. Anger and frustration and the conflict of both wanting and not wanting Luc has made me reckless. ‘Just seeing if it feels as good as it looks.’

  Heat warms his eyes. His gaze drops to my mouth. But he doesn’t close the distance between us. Instead, he uses his words to deflect me. ‘You haven’t called home once on this trip,’ he says.

  ‘Are you accusing me of something?’

  ‘Only of being a thoughtless brat.’

  I whirl, try to storm up the beach, make a dramatic exit, but he follows. And short of breaking into an undignified run, I can’t seem to get away. The blue sky above mocks my feelings. There should be storms brewing.

  I spin to face him. ‘You think you know anything about me?’

  ‘I think your parents have lost a child and don’t deserve to be cut off by the one they have left.’

  ‘I don’t need a lecture from you.’

  ‘I’m trying to help.’

  Help? He’d be the first. My throat feels like someone is squeezing it—it’s hard to breathe. ‘You don’t know anything. They gave up on me a long time ago.’

  ‘Or you gave up on them.’

  I have to clench my hands into fists to keep from putting my fingers in my ears. Part of me wants to call him on his actions, ask why he’s doing this now. We were supposed to have a truce, a ceasefire. We’re supposed to be friends.

  But I’m afraid he’ll tell me that these are the actions of a friend, which would make it even harder to hold onto my anger. ‘They could call me,’ I say instead.

  ‘Would you answer?’

  I’m furious with him and his reasonable questions. They take me back to all the nights I’d stay out and block every call from Mum or Dad, or any unknown number. Because they tried borrowing workmate’s phones once they realised I wouldn’t
answer their calls.

  But I say none of that. ‘Of course. But they won’t call because they’re too busy. They’ve barely been home these last few months. Dan’s widow and son need them. Apparently.’

  I hate how bitter I sound. It’s not like I haven’t had months and months to resign myself to Mum and Dad’s new priorities.

  ‘You’re jealous,’ Luc says. He’s so freaking sure of himself.

  ‘I might have been, once, but now I’m way past jealous. I’m just pissed.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ He folds his arms. ‘So it’s not the fact that Mummy and Daddy are so busy with your brother’s family they haven’t called that’s turning you this attractive shade of green?’

  ‘You think I’m attractive?’

  He ignores my attempt to change the subject. ‘Who are you angry with?’

  ‘Daniel.’ My brother’s name falls from my lips without hesitation. And I don’t know who’s more surprised. Sure, I wish I could have had some of the loving support Mum and Dad have doled out on Shivani and little Danny, but it’s my brother who makes my hands curl into useless fists.

  And the annoyance in Luc’s eyes disappears. I don’t see what replaces it because if it’s sympathy or understanding it just might break me.

  Strong arms wrap around me. ‘Why?’ he asks.

  ‘Because he’s not here. What was so damn important that he had to be out in his car right at that moment? His family need him. His son needs him. I need him. I can’t do this.’

  ‘You can.’ His chin rests on the top of my head and his voice is a rumble in his chest. ‘You are.’

  But it’s hard.

  I manage to keep the whine inside. I’m no idiot. I know Shivani has a kid to raise and my parents have lost their son, but I have this empty place in my chest that nothing can fill and I’m terrified I’ll never ever be whole again.

  But I don’t say any of that to Luc. I don’t need to. Instead, we stand together in the sand, ignoring the people around us, shouting and swimming and having fun. He lets me lean on him and I let him hold me until Jolie calls us up to the van, and even then he holds me for a moment longer.