“I’m letting you guys have your fun first, and don’t call me, K.”
It’s already too late when I realize I didn’t refute the girlfriend comment. Sometimes being a hot head can be a real pain in the ass. Just like expected, Dillon catches what I didn’t.
“Not even gonna try to deny the other stuff huh?”
“Watch it man, spending so much time around that girl, he’s probably all hormonal and shit.” Tim jokes, making me want to beat the hell out of them and bail on this whole thing.
Except, I don’t. I never do.
“I picked him, didn’t I? So do whatever you’re gonna do so we can get on with this. It’s boring.”
“I gotta admit, it was kinda fun hearing her yell at us over this guy. Maybe she likes him. Looks like you got some competition Kayden.”
I catch the way he says my name differently and I can’t help smiling. He might be the big man here, but he knew his place against me. I guess yesterday taught him something after all.
“He’s as much of a loser as she is. Figure they’re a match made in heaven.”
Even I have a hard time stomaching the way the words come out. I have no problem accepting that I’m a total jerk, trust me, I’ve earned it over the last eight years or so, but the words now, they feel so wrong.
Tim turns to Eric and he’s got this sick looking grin on his face. I know what’s coming. It’s something I’ve done before. Putting fear into people isn’t enough for us. It’s like going physical, we’re getting the complete rush of it all and I flinch and turn as Tim’s fist lands square in Eric’s gut. Yeah, this really doesn’t do a damn thing for me anymore.
I find myself wanting to find Isabelle. The way it felt yesterday in the car, before I had to go and turn it all to shit was nice. She’s not the only one that doesn’t smile. I mean, when you don’t have a reason to do it; it’s not that shocking when it doesn’t happen, but with her it did, more than once. Hell, the girl even managed to make me laugh.
Right now I want nothing more than to laugh again because I can’t take watching Eric’s face as he crumples to the floor like a wet rag. The sound coming from him reminds me of the way Isabelle sounded yesterday before I got her out. It’s another reminder of how wrong this is.
They’re all just wounded animals and we’re here putting them out of their misery.
“Let’s get out of here. Amy’s been talking about some surprise she has for me and well, we all know about Amy and her surprises.”
The way Dillon talks about his girlfriend is revolting, but it’s not something I haven’t heard a million times before. Shit, the girl used to be mine before she was his and I wasn’t any better. Though to my credit, I wasn’t vulgar around her. I was just disconnected.
I have to keep up with what Dillon wants from me. It’s the only way I can make sure she stays safe. I can’t walk into another situation with her like I did yesterday; I don’t think I have it in me.
That’s when it hits me. I can’t deny it anymore. What she thinks, what she’s feeling, understanding her, it all matters to me and it’s because of one seemingly simple fact.
I like her.
Belle
Six.
That’s how many times I tried to open my mouth today, trying to let teachers know what I’d been a part of earlier. Six times that I failed at it because the minute my mouth opened, the words wouldn’t form.
This shouldn’t be all that surprising, but it is. This isn’t about my own comfort level anymore. This isn’t about social awkwardness or autism, though I’m pretty sure if I could talk to my mom about this, that’s exactly what she would say it is. No, this isn’t about me at all. I need to do the right thing by Eric, even if with the way he’s acting as I pass him in the halls tells me otherwise.
He won’t look at me or at least he tries not to. He caught my eye in the hall twice and both times, he looked down and shuffled away from me. Maybe he knows that he’s taken my place and he hates me for it. Either way, I don’t like it.
It’s no surprise with the way things keep happening that I think I’m better off dead.
My mom would have an easier time because it would be her and Tristan and he’s normal. She’d be able to get out and enjoy herself more, instead of always worrying about what I need. She wouldn’t have to run to my rescue. Hell, she’d be able to date again and finally move on from my dad. I know she wants that, but her support of me stops her every time.
If I was gone, Eric would still be floating under the radar. They didn’t pick on the special needs kids. It’s only since what happened with me that they’ve started. I could save the world a whole lot of trouble if I just went home, took a bunch of pills and went to sleep forever.
Just as I see the bus rounding the corner, I hear my name being called. Turning from side to side slowly, I see where the voice is coming from and just who it belongs to.
It’s Kayden and he’s jogging toward me. I hate that I have nowhere to run. That I have to stand here and wait for him to reach me because even though the bus is here and it’s super close, it’s not close enough. I really don’t want anything to do with him, so what he’s doing running toward me makes no sense.
“I need to talk to you…” he says, his voice winded as he finally reaches me.
I shake my head. I don’t need words to let him know just how much I don’t want to talk to him right now. I’m sure I can get my point across loud and clear with the look on my face and the slight movement of my head. Even if I didn’t have troubles speaking, I still wouldn’t want to say a word to him.
“Please?” he pleads and there’s this part of me, my heart maybe that seems taken by the way his voice sounds but my mind won’t let me fall for it.
I shake my head again and he lowers his eyes away from mine, hurt by my response. It’s confusing to me. I’ve read books about guys that act the way Kayden is. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde and I wasn’t a big fan when I read it. I’m definitely not liking the up and down of it in real life.
“Let me drive you home Isabelle,” he states rather than asks, which just bothers me even more. “Please? I’ll take you right there, no stops.”
I want to ask him why he wants to drive me home. What he could possibly have to say to me that he hasn’t already said. I want to ask why he sounds so sad every time he says please, but before I can even make an attempt at it, the bus pulls up and Eric is running up behind us.
Saying yes to Kayden is easy and I don’t want it to be. I can’t figure out why he gets to me when I know deep inside I’m upset with him. Why do I have to keep seeing him as the boy I used to play with instead of the mean guy he really is?
Eric makes his way around us and up onto the bus without even so much as a look back in my direction and that’s when I make my decision. I’m pretty sure it’s wrong, but since it’s already like I’ve lost the only friend I ever had, I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I look between him and the door of the bus one final time before stepping back and motioning at Ronnie, my regular bus driver. I point toward Kayden. He nods his head and I turn, waiting for what comes next.
“You’re going to come with me?”
I nod and the strangest thing happens. He smiles at me and it’s even brighter than the ones he did the day before. It’s like he’s relieved, as his shoulders, which had been sagging only seconds before lift up again. There’s a fluttering in my stomach noticing it and I have no idea what it means. Why does his happiness seem so important to me?
“Thank you.” He says and waits for me to start walking before following closely behind. I stop as soon as we reach his car and before I know it, he’s running into the back of me. I stumble and end up flat across the hood. He reaches out to catch me and again he’s right behind me, but before either one of us can move, we hear the voices from the other side of the parking lot.
“Tap it hard, Kayden!”
“I knew she was easy!”
“Make her scream like earlier.”
I didn’t recognize the first two, but Dillon’s came through loud and clear. My heart begins to race and I can feel my head getting fuzzy. I don’t like the sound of his voice, especially when it’s raised the way it is now. People think I’m stupid, but I know exactly what they’re hinting at with their words and it makes me sick inside.
Kayden slides his arms around my stomach and lifts me back off the hood and before I can pull away from him, I feel his breath against the back of my neck.
“Ignore them.”
That’s easy for him to say. Tomorrow he’ll have jokes thrown at him, but he won’t have sick things said about the way we just were. That’s all for me. I knew going with him was the wrong move but it’s even worse now. I almost wish he’d never helped me out yesterday.
This time he unlocks the car from my side and makes sure I’m completely in and comfortable before shutting the door behind me. I can’t help thinking its sweet, but the minute I think it, my stomach turns over and I feel sick. I don’t want to think any of this is sweet. He’s still the same guy he was earlier, even if he is taking pity on the special kid.
I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t even realize he’s in the car with me until he slams his door shut and bangs his hands on the steering wheel.
I startle and realizing his mistake, he sighs.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think.” He leans over and I catch a glimpse of his bare skin as the shirt he’s wearing rides up. Finding whatever it is he’s looking for, he turns back around. “This time, I want to be prepared.”
Looking at his hands as they’re held out in front of me, I see what he’s talking about. There’s a notebook, complete with what looks like a gel pen attached and though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know this, it’s my favorite color.
The thought that went into this small gesture gets to me. My hands are shaking under the force of it, as I reach out and accept the olive branch he’s giving me. My fingers graze over his and I jump back from the sharp tingle that climbs up through my hand as I do it.
What is going on with me?
Pushing the reaction out of my head, I slide the pen off, open the book and start writing. When I’m finished I slide it across, careful to keep all contact to a minimum. I don’t know what caused that sensation a minute ago, but it feels weird, so I don’t want to repeat it.
Why did you want to drive me home?
He runs his hand over his hair and again he sighs. “I needed to talk to you—you know, about earlier?”
The way he phrases it as a question confuses me. There were a couple of things that happened earlier. He didn’t show up to get me after class and he was bullying my friend. Which one of these could he possibly mean?
The stuff with Eric or earlier?
“Earlier?” he questions, but before I can write out a response, his eyes shine with recognition. “Oh, yeah I need to explain about that too. I mean, if you’ll let me.”
I don’t want to let him. I want to just slide my hand over the door handle, push it open and get the hell out of here, but I can’t do that. In accepting his ride home, I’ve given up the only other way I can get home, which means I’m stuck. Unless I want to walk and it’s gonna take me at least an hour to do that.
You don’t need to explain anything to me. I write out, this time lifting the notebook instead of sliding it to him. The back and forth motion is actually starting to bug me.
“Yeah, see that’s what I thought too, except I do.”
What does that mean?
He does the thing with his hands again and I’m actually surprised with how hard this seems to be for him. He’s so confident and self assured at school every day, but here in the car, it’s like he’s a completely different person.
He’s the boy that he used to be.
“I’m an asshole, Isabelle. I don’t even know if asshole’s the right word for me, but it’s all I know. I hurt people for fun and most of the time I enjoy it. I haven’t been able to enjoy anything since I saw what happened to you yesterday. I know what I did today, the things I said, the way I acted…”
He cuts off and my heart drops in my chest. He didn’t finish what he wanted to say and despite how upset I am, not only with him, but me too, I really want him to finish. I’m conflicted because I want nothing to do with him, but at the same time, being here with him now is comfortable and I don’t want it to end.
None of this makes any sense to me.
You are an asshole. What you did to Eric today was wrong. You say you don’t like what happened to me so why do it to someone that’s just like me?
“See that’s just it. Fuck! I can’t stand you thinking I’m an asshole. When I’m around you, I don’t want to be the jerk. I want to be different.”
So be different.
Things with me are pretty cut and dry. I don’t understand when people state things like he just did. If he wants to be different then I don’t see why he doesn’t just do it. It’s not like anyone can do it for him.
“It’s not that easy. I wish it were, but this is all I’ve ever known.”
I know all about his mom and dad leaving. I also know he got stuck with a brother that wasn’t even mature enough to take care of himself, let alone a younger brother. I know how bad things are for Kayden, it’s not hard to see when people show up at the house at all hours and Dean spends most of his time slurring his words and stumbling on his feet. Even though I told him to be different, I’m starting to see now that it really isn’t black and white.
Not sure how to answer back, I change the subject.
Why didn’t you meet me today?
His lips grow tight and there’s something in his expression that tells me I’m not going to like his answer. At the very least he’s struggling with it.
“I couldn’t. People are talking and I just don’t want it to get worse.”
It hurts more than I want to admit. This Jekyll and Hyde thing he’s doing should have prepared me for this kind of answer, but it doesn’t. People have been talking about me, making fun of me for my problems forever, so it’s nothing new to me. I never thought about how it would feel for someone considered normal when they’re caught talking to me.
It doesn’t just hurt for that reason though. It hurts because this guy I grew up knowing, the one I thought was never affected by what anyone said about him, is affected. In coming to my rescue the day before, he’s having his life turned upside down, all because I’m different.
“Isabelle,” he says with a sigh. “Please say something.”
The way he speaks, asking me to say something, is not lost on me. I’m not sure if it was just a bad word choice, considering he knows how I am or he just means to write something, but either way, that hurt too. It seems like this entire moment is one big ball of hurt and I want it to be over.
Take me home please.
I lay the notebook back down between us and turn in my seat until I’m facing ahead. I feel his eyes on me for a few minutes and even knowing that he’s doing it makes this even more uncomfortable. I’m not scared or uneasy really, it’s just hard, not looking back over at him.
Before I can give in, he turns the key in the ignition and brings the car to life finally gunning the engine and peeling out of the parking lot. I breathe a sigh of relief that the conversation seems to be over and soon, I’ll be home and safe where I belong.
It’s only when he pulls into my driveway a few minutes later, putting the car in park and turning the key again that I realize the conversation is most definitely not over.
“I wanted to drive you home today because I wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. Not just what happened today, but for every single thing I’ve ever said or done to you. Isabelle, I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I really do mean it. I’m sorry.”
I want to believe his words, but I know that after I get out of the car and go inside, everything will go back to the way it was before this even happened. He’ll go to school tomorrow, he’ll torture Eric,
or even me again. He’ll laugh as he does it and we’ll be right back where we were before.
I want him to be different but what he said earlier might be true. He really doesn’t know how to be any other way.
Picking up the notebook, my hands shaking, I press the pen to the paper and I start writing.
Actions speak louder than words ever could, Kayden. If you’re really sorry, prove it.
This time I don’t wait for him to say something mean to kick me out of the car. There’s nothing else he can do anyway. Not waiting for him to read my words, I push the door open and slide from the car, running across the lawn as quickly as I can.
I have to get away from him. I need to get away from the mixed emotions he brings out in me, things I can’t even describe because they’re all things I’ve never felt before. Mostly, I’m getting away from him because if I stay, I’m afraid I might do the one thing I swore I would never do.
Fall for him.
Chapter Six
Kayden
Shit.
That didn’t go the way I pictured it in my head.
When I saw her waiting for the bus, something came over me. I was planning on just jumping in my car and going for a drive to clear my head, but something stopped me.
I couldn’t leave without at least trying to explain to her why everything had taken such a shitty turn. I wanted to tell her about the deal I made with Dillon too, because I thought if I did, maybe she would understand things and realize I was doing it for her. I couldn’t do it though.
Even if I am doing this for her, agreeing to this so Dillon will leave her alone; I’m still being a jerk in the process because I’m attacking her friends and other kids like her.
Now I’m sitting here in her driveway and I’m pretty sure her mom’s gonna be home any minute, but I can’t move. I’m stuck reading her words over and over. The last words she said to me, they’re flashing at me so strong that it reminds me of those motel signs you see in the city, the ones that glow in the darkness of the night.
Count On Me Page 5