It’s damn near perfect.
I’m not scared of any of that though. I’m scared because this is the first real event I’ve taken her to. Sure, I’ve hung out with her every single day, but we’ve always been alone. I’ve never taken her on a real date and this, tonight, is as real as it gets. The whole damn school already knows how I feel about her, what she means to me, but tonight the entire world or at least the entirety of Wexfield, is gonna know it.
How she’s going to handle that is what scares me. She seems different lately, stronger even and I want to take credit for that, but I can’t. Her keeping the doctor’s appointment from me just proves it. She did all of that on her own and even seemed happy after it, which is a way that I’ve never seen her. Isabelle is different now and it’s got nothing at all to do with me, it’s all her.
A high school football game though, even the strongest person in the world, one that doesn’t struggle with anything the way she does, can break at one of these things. I only hope that it goes off the way I want it to and she enjoys herself. I want her to look back on everything one day and realize that these really were great times, just the way she said in her letter.
I’ve been trying my best to keep my head in the game, focusing on exactly what I’m going to need to do on the field, but I can’t. It always seems to come back to her and how eager I am to see her when she finally gets here. How it’s going to feel, looking up in the stands and seeing her there, along with her little brother, smiling down at me.
She doesn’t realize it, but a couple days ago I took a video of her. She thought I was taking a picture and I just let her believe it, but I taped her as she did the most mundane things. That’s what I’m looking at now. That’s my pre-game ritual. Watching her run her fingers through her hair, the wind blowing it in a million different directions and her laughing as it does. The way those eyes of hers lock straight on me for a split second and she smiles so bright that I’m sure she’s giving the sun a run for its money.
Yeah, I’ve got it pretty damn bad.
I’ve been playing her voice file a lot, but not because of the laugh anymore. I have her laughing in the video and that suits me just fine. I listen to this file because she made it for me. She stepped out of her comfort zone that day, doing something I’m pretty damn sure she’s never done and in doing it, changed the course of everything.
She changed the course of me.
I wish I taped her last night before I left. Giving her my jacket, knowing what it means, at least what it means to everyone at school was a huge thing for me, but no one deserves to wear it more than her. I meant what I said. She really is the star and I need everyone to see that, just the way I do.
It was so huge on her that I debated taking it back, but by the end of the night she wouldn’t let me. You couldn’t see her hands, unless she rolled the sleeves up a dozen times but she didn’t seem to care. She just laughed every single time she did it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
I’m still blown away by the way everything’s happened with us. How one day, I went from not even registering her existence, to being completely consumed by it. The way she said my name that one day changed the course of forever for me. When I’m with her, everything feels like it’s the way it’s supposed to be.
If Isabelle Reagan can take a guy like me, turn him into someone worthy of respect, then it’s mind blowing to think about what she can do for the rest of the world. Or even what we could do for it together.
We might be able to change it.
Belle
We’ve been here for ten minutes and I can already feel eyes on me, no matter what way I turn.
This is actually what I expected when I got here. I hoped that because I had Tristan with me, it might have been a little bit different, but I knew it would still happen. People can’t figure out what the retard is doing here, wearing one of the players jackets no less. It’s wrong to them because it’s not normal.
Wearing Kayden’s jacket is sort of like putting a big old bull’s-eye on my back, but there’s no way I’m taking it off. It might only be a jacket to some people, but I can tell with the way he gave it to me, it’s something more so I’m going to wear it proudly. Even if doing it earns me death glares from practically every person here.
The sad reality is, it’s not just the people I go to school with that are doing it. It’s their parents too. Their noses are all turned up at me, like because of my diagnosis; I’m an alien to them. I’m not like their sons or daughters so that means I’m not worthy of respect. It’s been like this forever and no matter how hard my mom fights, it never changes.
“Stupid people, their faces are gonna get stuck that way.”
I hear what Tristan’s saying, but I don’t register exactly what he means until I turn and see what he’s looking at. Amy’s parents are about three rows up behind us and just like their daughter does when she’s at school, they’re sneering in our direction.
I hate that he has to see this. With him being in the elementary school, he’s separated from me for the whole day, so he’s safely kept away from what I deal with. I want it to stay that way. He deserves better then to be judged because of who his sister is.
“Come on, I see Kayden.” I say, ignoring what I’ve just seen and pointing to where I see Kayden making his way toward us.
“Yes!” he yells and I can’t help but laugh. It seems like Mom was right earlier. Kayden might be dating the both of us after all. It’s actually the first person I’ve seen Tristan get close to besides me. It’s nice.
“You’re here.” Kayden says the minute he reaches us, immediately wrapping me up into his arms, before reaching down and shaking his hand through Tristan’s hair. “And you brought the midget too.”
“Pfft,” Tristan scoffs. “I’m so gonna grow up and be bigger then you, just watch.”
“Sure you are buddy. I can’t wait to see that.”
He turns his attention back to me and places a soft kiss on my nose.
“I’m so glad you’re here and that you’re wearing this.” he whispers as he fingers the sleeve of the jacket that’s securely wrapped around me. “I know how weird this is for you.”
There was a time not that long ago when he would say words like ‘weird’ or ‘stupid’ and it would bother me, but now it’s like I know he doesn’t mean them the way everyone else does. I don’t flinch at them anymore and he doesn’t react the way he used to. We’ve both come such a long way with each other.
“I need to get back down there, but Isabelle, thank you for doing this. You being here, it’s everything.”
He kisses my lips gently before again patting Tristan on the head, beaming his smile down at him and before I know it, he’s gone and we’re left alone again.
“Kayden is awesome!”
“Yeah, but don’t tell him that. He’ll never let us forget it.” I whisper before we take our seats in the stands. As uncomfortable as it is having all of these eyes on me, I’m actually glad I did come because the look that Kayden had before he went back down to the field is one I want to see him wearing always. It’s one that he hasn’t worn much at all in the eight years since we stopped talking.
I’m not naïve enough to believe I’m the whole reason for it, but if my being here, especially wearing his extremely oversized jacket, contributes at all to what he’s feeling right now, I’m happy to do it. He’s given me so much since he rescued me that first day. Any chance I have to pay it back, I’ll take.
“Oh look Char, the freak is here.”
“Gross, they’re gonna have to disinfect that area when she leaves.”
“Impossible, they don’t make a cleaner strong enough to mask that.”
I can tell with how close they sound that they’re behind us but I refuse to turn around in order to confirm it. Their words get to me though. I’ve managed to avoid seeing them this week, so having them here now brings everything to the surface. It’s like I’m back in that bathroom all over again.
My heart starts racing and I breathe in and out, timing myself, in an effort to calm down before Tristan figures out something’s going on. He’s used to things happening with me, but usually Mom is with us. We’re on our own now.
“How about you shut up?”
“Tristan, don’t. You know Mom hates you saying that word.” I whisper the minute I realize that it was him answering them back.
“Oh look, the retard can talk after all.”
Well I could before you had to call attention to it. I think the minute Charlotte says the words.
“She sounds like a mouse, doesn’t she, Ames?”
“Yeah, she does. A stupid mouse though.”
I can’t let them see that they’re getting to me. If I do, I know what’s going to happen and tonight I’m determined to not let it get that far. I knew this might happen, so now I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I can’t let my fear win.
“Stop talking about yourself.” Tristan snaps again, his eyes never shifting from their vantage point on the field. Whatever the reason is for why he’s doing this, he’s not giving them the satisfaction of looking at them. He’s six and he’s stronger then I am.
“I feel bad for Kayden, I mean he gave his jacket to her and all she’s gonna do is piss all over it.”
Charlotte’s comment gets to me despite all of my attempts not to let it. Anytime someone brings up my accidents, I always react, even though I don’t want to. I can feel the tears building up in the corner of my eyes and the pounding of my heart in my head, loud as ever. If I don’t get out of here or get control of it soon, I’m going to make her words a reality.
I stand, grab hold of Tristan’s hand, whispering to him that I need to get out of there and he instantly starts walking, pulling me with him. He might not entirely get what autism is or why it makes me the way I am, but he does get that it’s causing me pain and just like he said at home, he’s protecting me.
“Hey, Isabelle!” I hear Amy call out before we’re able to get away. “You think Kayden really likes you, but he doesn’t. You were his choice. He’s been playing you the entire time.”
There’s a crushing weight on my chest as she speaks, but before I can get out of there I feel Tristan’s hand slide out of my own. Before I know it, he’s walking toward both girls. Raising his leg, I watch as he stomps down hard on Amy’s foot before turning to Charlotte and kicking her in the knee. It might not be the right way to deal with things, but as they both react, I can’t help feeling a little proud of him.
“Stupid girls.” He says before coming back and sliding his hand in mine again. “Let’s call Mommy. I wanna go home now.”
Kayden
There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
We won the game, I’ve talked to a total of three different scouts for various schools, I’m riding the biggest high of my life and she’s nowhere to be found. Not only that, but she hasn’t been here the entire time and I should know. I checked every single time I was brought in off the field.
No Isabelle. No Tristan.
I knew asking her to do this for me was huge and I sort of figured she might not make it the entire time considering that a football game can be overwhelming, but she didn’t even make it through half of it. It’s like I talked to her and she disappeared.
I saw the looks I got when I pulled her close to me earlier. I also saw the reaction when I placed my lips to hers. None of these idiots understand it, so they’re sitting there judging it. It’s like we’re some weird kind of reality show to these people and I can’t stand it. If I wasn’t trying to stay calm for her, I would have said something to every single one of them for the shit they were whispering and the looks they were throwing our way.
You never really think about what people go through until you’re thrown into it. I did a lot of things believing that the impact would be worth it when I picked on people, but I never gave much thought to how the actual person being picked on feels. I get it now. Hell, I see it because I’m getting it too.
People are way too ignorant and I should know because I was the same way. If I can learn to be different though, can’t they? Is change really that scary?
I have no idea what this means, her not being here, but I’m not gonna spend the night walking all over the field looking for her or waiting for her to come back and find me. No, I’m going to her and I’m gonna find out once and for all what made her run. If it’s because it was too much, I can handle that, but if something else happened then I need to know so I can deal with it.
If no one else is gonna stick up for this girl then I’m going to do it and I honestly don’t care what it means for me in the long term. I would rather be a total nobody at school, kicked completely off the team if it means I can change the way things have been here from day one. Something has to give and if they aren’t gonna do anything on their own, I’m gonna change it myself.
It’s only when I pull up in front of her house twenty minutes later that the doubt starts creeping in.
Am I the reason she left? Is being with me too hard for her and she’s finally realizing she can’t handle it?
I make my way to her door, watching my feet as I place one foot in front of the other, each one leading me one step closer to what’s waiting behind that door. Will she be the one to answer or will it be her mom? Will they be happy to see me or just want me to get as far away from her as possible?
Before I can even raise my hand to knock, the door slides open and the light from inside spills out into the darkness, bringing a shadow across me from the person inside.
As my eyes adjust to the lights, I see it’s Isabelle and the look on her face tells me everything I need to know. There are dried tear marks on her cheeks and the brightness I’d seen only a few hours before is completely wiped out. Her lips that for the past week have been frozen in a permanent raised position are mirroring her eyes as they’re completely straight and displaying no real emotion at all.
Seeing her this way makes my worst fears a reality.
“Belle…”
She shakes her head at me, something she hasn’t done in weeks and I swallow the lump in my throat. She’s shaking her head because she doesn’t want to talk to me. It hurts.
I watch as she moves away from the door and I wonder if I should follow her, but before I can move my foot in the direction she just disappeared into, she’s back and this time she’s got her phone with her. The problem with this is that I left my phone in the car, which means anything she says, I won’t get.
“My phone’s in the car. So whatever you wanna say, I won’t see.”
She slides her phone across to me and the minute our hands connect as I take it from her, she flinches and backs up. Whatever happened tonight while I was playing has done a lot more damage then I realized. It’s almost as if we’re right back where we were weeks ago. I don’t like it.
I need to find a way to fix it.
You need to go.
“I’m not going anywhere, Isabelle. Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
I hand the phone back out to her and she grabs it, but this time she positions her hands differently somehow because we don’t touch. She doesn’t have a clue of course, but not touching her is ripping me apart inside. I want to be able to touch her. I have never felt so lost in my life.
I know everything now. Amy told me. I know it was all a game to you, Kayden. You don’t have to act anymore.
“Wait, what?” I question as I read her words over a couple of times. “Amy told you what?”
Before she can type a response, another shadow enters the doorway and looking up; I see it’s her mom. As much as I don’t want to deal with an adult right now, only wanting Isabelle to tell me what happened, I realize that she might be the only person that can get me the answers.
“Isabelle, go inside, Tristan wants you.”
She nods her head and just like that, she’s gone and I’m completely alone. It’s something I haven�
�t felt since the day my mom left. I hate that there’s anything with Isabelle that I can compare to that woman. They’re nothing alike, but there’s no denying that the minute she vanished, I felt empty, just the way I did then.
“What happened?” I manage to choke out. “Everything was fine before the game.”
“I think deep down you know what happened tonight, Kayden. People happened.”
“What does she mean by ‘I know it was all a game’?”
“Tristan told me that a couple of the girls said some things to her about you.”
She doesn’t need to say anything else. I know exactly what girls said things and the minute I get back to the school I’d handle it. Amy and Charlotte have pissed me off for the last time. First though, I need to make sure that everyone here knows the truth. I can’t stand them believing that I was lying or playing them. It wasn’t like that at all.
“It’s not true.”
“Well honey, I know that and deep down I think Isabelle might know it too, but you have to realize how hearing those kinds of things is for her. She might not be able to say the words, Kayden, but my daughter cares very deeply for you.”
Shit. Now I feel even worse. I could easily tell that she liked me, her smile told me that, but the way her mom sounds now, it’s something more. Something that I thought I was the only one feeling.
“Tell me how to fix this.”
“I’m not sure that you can right now. Isabelle needs time. I believe that you’re sincere, but when the majority of the people she comes across are not that way, it’s hard for her to see it the same way I do. I can talk with her and do my best to get her to go to the dance, but for now, I think you need to do as she asked of you.”
“You want me to leave?” I ask, already knowing it’s the last thing I want to do.
“For now, I think it would be best if you did. Go to the dance, Kayden.”
“I’m not sure I want to leave her when she’s like this, especially since it’s about me.”
Count On Me Page 19