“I know, but it’s something that she needs. Like I said, I’ll talk to her and do my best to get her there. You can handle it from there, but if you continue standing here now, I’m afraid that nothing I say will get through.”
I have to do what she’s asking because the last thing I want is to make anything harder for Isabelle, but I don’t like it. Leaving her seems so wrong and I’m tired of doing everything wrong. I should never have let her go when we were kids. I should have kept her close to me so that this pain didn’t exist now.
It really is my fault. Amy and Charlotte did this because of me.
“Okay…I’ll go, but, Mrs. R?”
“Yes?”
I know what I’m about to say, but before I can form the words, I stop myself. No, I can’t say this as a message passed along. It needs to come from me.
“Just tell her I’ll see her there.”
As she says goodnight and shuts the door behind me, I don’t make a move to turn and go. I know that I need to do what I’ve been told, but I still can’t shake the feeling that me leaving right now is only going to make it worse. I need to talk to her and explain that those girls are full of shit. I need to tell her that they couldn’t be more wrong.
Most of all, I need to tell her what I should have told her days ago.
I love her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Belle
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
The last thing I wanted to do after what happened at the game is come to this stupid dance, but as always, my mom said all the right things and well, here I am.
There was this moment when I saw Kayden walking up the driveway that I wanted to open the door, run to him, have him hold me and never let go. I thought that being in his arms could erase everything that Amy and Charlotte said. That everything could just go back to the way it was before I agreed to go.
It can’t though.
When I opened the door before he had the chance to knock, I told him to leave. It’s better this way, not only for me, but for him too. There’s a part of me that knows Amy was lying to me about him, but it doesn’t change how wrong we are for each other. We might make each other happy, but that’s bound to wear off sometime and its better we stop now instead of waiting until both of us are in too deep.
He deserves to be with a girl that he doesn’t have to constantly worry about. He should be with one that doesn’t have accidents when she’s under pressure and one that doesn’t cry every second. Most of all, he deserves a girl that can really give him everything he needs with no fear. She will be able to talk to him, laugh at his stupid jokes and constantly challenge him to be better.
He deserves someone I can never be.
I know I’m not defective the way people believe. This isn’t about me thinking I’m less than other people. It’s about me wanting to do the right thing by this boy that I love so much. I need to let him go now, even if it breaks me in the process.
When I told my mom all of this, she didn’t agree with me, but because she always lets me make my own decisions, she backed down easily. The only thing she didn’t back down on, was me coming to the dance.
She feels that I owe it to myself to go through with this, considering how much work we put into making sure I could. The dress and shoes bought, her prepared to do my makeup and hair for me. We had it all planned out for days and she felt that turning my back on it now, would become a regret later on.
I couldn’t disagree with it, so that’s why I’m here. It’s the reason I’ve got makeup on for the first time and why I’m wearing a smile that even I can’t believe in.
I’m determined for this to be a night to remember, but more than that, I’m determined to see it through for her. She took pictures before she drove me here and I really want this to be something she can look back on and be pleased with. It really is because of her and her never say die attitude with me that I’m even standing here now. She deserves this moment even more than I do.
As I make my way into the school and down the hall toward the gym, I can feel the eyes on me but this time, I don’t hear the name calling that usually comes along with it. I don’t hear anything actually. Usually, there’s always a whisper, along with the traditional name calling, but this time, it’s just silence.
When I get there, I see the doors are open and the dance has already started. There are couples clinging to each other in the middle of the room, as well as groups of friends standing in clusters on the sidelines. There are lights hanging from the ceiling and they seem to be casting blue stars below. There are banners and streamers hanging in all four corners and I’m struck by just how beautiful it looks.
It’s like this room was made for someone like me. The lighting isn’t bright, which calms me. While there are a lot of different things happening at one time, I’m okay with it because nothing is moving fast. It’s all far away from me. The sensory overload that I normally feel just isn’t there.
This really is a dream come true. For the first time, I feel like a normal girl.
A movement catches my eye on the right side of the room and as I turn and look out, I see him. Standing alone, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here, is Kayden. He’s scowling and it makes me sad. This is supposed to be his night. He won his game. He should be in the middle of the room, dancing and having a good time. Not like this.
His hair is completely slicked back, the normal dirty blonde shade, looking almost black under the starry lights. He’s rocking back and forth on his feet, his standard black boots sticking out from the tuxedo he’s wearing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him dressed like this before, but it’s another reason I’m glad I came. If anything, I want to remember Kayden like this, even if after tonight we no longer see each other.
He looks beautiful.
As I try and will myself forward, I feel an arm brush across my back and I freeze. With Kayden all the way on the other side of the room, it’s not his familiar touch that’s with me now, but I do know that whoever it is, I don’t want it.
“You came.”
Dillon.
I nod and as I look up, I see him smiling at me. I know that things have been different the last couple of weeks and that he’s been better, but I’m not sure I trust his smile. It’s probably because of Kayden, but nothing about this feels right.
“I heard about earlier, Isabelle. I’m sorry that they said that shit to you.”
Of course he knows what happened. I bet Amy couldn’t wait to run and tell him all about it. Making the autistic girl cry and run from them must have gotten a lot of laughs. I played right into their hands just the way they wanted me too, even if the look in Dillon’s eyes says differently.
“Will you dance with me?” he asks and I flinch at the sound of his voice, something he picks up on because he speaks again. “Belle, you can trust me.”
If I want to do what I promised my mom, then it’s gotta start now. As much as I don’t want Dillon to be the one I’m dancing with, it’s just the way it has to be. Letting him take me by the hand and lead me to the dance floor, I swallow down the trickle of fear that’s rising to the surface. I focus on the guy leading me, until we’re in the middle of the room and he’s resting my arms around his neck as the music starts.
I’m still filled with an uneasy feeling and it’s obvious to Dillon in how frigid I’m standing. It’s when he leans in and speaks that I finally let it go.
“Don’t let them get to you, Isabelle. Just focus on me. I’ll get you through it.”
Kayden
After leaving Isabelle’s, I did what her mom said and went home. I showered, dressed, making sure I looked exactly the way I wanted to look when I thought I’d be picking her up. I did everything that way, so that if she did show, she would see that I’m alright.
I must have been standing here like this for a half hour or more, finally reaching a point where I gave up believing she would show. I lost the smile and reverted back to the way I’ve always been. So
mething happened when I finally stopped faking it. I actually felt alright. Not perfect or the way I wanted to be, but at least I wasn’t feeling completely empty anymore.
I’m not sure what happened, but one second, I’m standing in the corner, my face angled down toward my boots and suddenly it’s like there’s this pull inside me to look up. I catch a bit of a breeze pass by, thinking that someone ran by me, but when I look up, I start to see what the breeze was all about. It was a sign.
Standing in the doorway, in a dress that looks like it was ripped straight out of a fairy-tale, is Isabelle. Her hair tied back and out of her face, except for two bits hanging down on either side, falling into her cheeks. Her dress is strapless and light blue, the top tight to her body, yet for some reason glowing under the lights above us. The rest falls away from her and as her eyes catch mine, it hits me exactly who she looks like. With the way her hair sits and the way her dress shapes around her, she looks like Cinderella.
She’s breathtaking.
Shaking myself to stop from staring, I start to move forward, but before I can even take two steps in her direction, I see him. Dillon comes up from behind her and I watch as his lips move and she responds with a nod. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but considering she doesn’t seem eager to get away, it isn’t anything bad.
It’s only when she places her hand in his that my blood starts to run hot. I’m reminded of the day in the locker room when I told him she was mine. Seeing her moving across the floor with him, ties me up in knots. It’s not supposed to be him leading her to the dance floor. It’s supposed to be me.
The knot tightens as he wraps her arms around his neck and she leans into his body as they sway to the music. It’s no longer just my blood boiling over now, but my head too. I can feel the urge to rip her away from him driving me and I fight it. As much as I want to act like a Neanderthal right now and take my girl back, I can’t do that. I have to let this play itself out.
“Amy’s gonna kill her.”
Great. Apparently standing here focusing on them, left me open for people to start conversations.
“Screw off, Charlotte.”
“Way to be a total asshole, Kayden.”
“You know it. Now go away.”
“You know what Kay? Screw you! A couple months ago, you couldn’t get enough of me, but now, all because of some retard in an ugly dress, you treat me like I’ve got some disease. I don’t, you know, she does.”
I’m against hitting girls. That’s not to say I’ve never purposely knocked into someone before in the hall, hell, I did it to Isabelle a lot, but never actually come right out and hit a chick. I’m getting dangerously close to that point right now. Charlotte is seriously pissing me off.
“You really wanna know what you were, Char? A fucking distraction, that’s it. You’re like every other girl in this school, shallow and bitchy. Sure, your chest distracted me for awhile, but like most toys, it got boring.”
“Asshole.” She seethes at me under her breath and I laugh. She really thinks calling me that is gonna wound me. She’s as stupid as she looks.
“Run along, Char. Amy must be going out of her mind, not having you there to follow her around like the dog you are.”
It’s harsh and I know it, but it has the desired effect. She turns on her heel after I catch her rolling her eyes and stalks off, leaving me alone again.
The song is changing now, to one with a heavier beat and I watch Isabelle and Dillon. When they make no move to get off the dance floor, even going so far as to start dancing to the song, I know I’ve had as much as I can take. I’m not sure what his game is, but if it’s turning me inside out so I become the jealous asshole, he’s succeeding.
I have never wanted to kick someone’s ass so much in my life.
She smiles at him as he spins her around and everything shifts inside of me. Up until twenty four hours ago, I thought I was the only person in the world that could make her smile like that. Now I’m seeing the truth. Apparently Dillon can too.
My worst fears are coming true.
I’m losing her.
Belle
I’m not sure how it happened, but I’m actually having fun.
As Dillon swings me around again, letting me dance around him, I’m smiling and laughing and having the time of my life.
When he told me to ignore everyone around us, I did as he said and everything seemed to get lighter. I kept my eyes locked on him or at least his chest and now as it’s a new song, I’m doing the same again. I focus on his smile and how amazing dancing this way really is.
There’s a set of eyes I can’t entirely block out though and after one particular spin, I catch them and they seem to be the complete opposite of what I’m sure is evident in my own. Where I’m happy, he seems damaged, hurt even, and I can’t help but feel that I’m the reason why.
When Dillon asked me to dance, I was so sure he was doing it for Kayden that it didn’t even occur to me that maybe he was acting on his own. With the scowl on his face now, it all makes sense. I don’t stop dancing though. I don’t go to him the way I want to. I just do the one thing that’s always been so hard to do with him. I look away.
As much as I want to believe that Amy is lying, I can’t. There’s this part of my brain that keeps going over every single thing that’s happened with us and it just seems to bring more truth to what she said. When you spend a long time doing things to someone, not so nice things, why would you change it unless you were playing a game with them?
That’s where confusion sets in. I can replay every second of our time together. The way it felt when he kissed me, the struggle he had asking me out and the way his eyes always go soft and tender whenever he’s around me. Is it possible to fake that sort of thing? I know actors do it because there would never be any movies if they didn’t, but away from the cameras and the insanity, can a real, living, breathing person do that sort of thing?
“Oh no! I’m losing her.” Dillon calls across to me and I grin as we continue dancing. He could have easily made fun of me for what I did, but instead he cracked a joke. As off as he makes me feel most times, it’s obvious he’s not the same guy as before.
Neither is Kayden.
The song ends as I banish all thoughts of Kayden from my head and Dillon leads me off the dance floor and over to where the drinks and food are set up. I’m not sure if he realizes it or not, but I’m not going to be able to eat anything that’s set out in front of us.
It’s the first real reminder since I got here that I’m not like anyone else. I’m still the freak.
“You want a drink? They got punch, but since a couple of the guys threw vodka in it earlier, I don’t recommend it. I think there’s soda too.”
I nod my head and he makes his way around to the other side of the table, grabbing a soda and popping the top before making his way back and handing it over. The way he does all of this gets to me. He made sure that never once was he out of my line of vision, just the way I needed him to.
Dillon is doing everything right.
I nod my head in thanks, wishing I could just say the words.
“You’re welcome, Cinderella.” He answers with a smirk. He points up toward the stage and as my eyes follow he speaks. “I gotta help set up the slide show for the Homecoming Court. You gonna be alright on your own for a bit?”
I nod and he smiles again.
“Thanks for the dance, Isabelle. Maybe I can steal another one before it’s over.”
As I watch him retreat, I think about what he said. Can I really stay for much longer? I know things have been going well so far, but I also know that it’s going to start wearing on me.
“Isabelle…”
Oh no. Not now. Not when I’m having such a good time.
I look up and I’m slammed with the intensity of his eyes as they meet mine. Soft, just like before and even in the limited amount of light in the room, the green shines through crystal clear. I feel myself melting the more we just stand lock
ed in place.
“We need to talk about earlier.” He says slowly, almost as if he’s unsure that he’s used the right words. “What Amy told you is total bullshit. I’m not—I’m not playing you, Belle. I would never do that. Not to you.”
I want to believe in him so bad my chest physically hurts. I need to believe because with the way he’s made me feel over the last few days, the last thing I want to do is go on without him. I’m just not sure I can.
Just like Amy said, he’s played me before; he could easily be playing me now.
“Alright ladies and gentleman, it’s that time again. It’s time to announce the Homecoming King and Queen of Wexfield High, 2014.”
Thankful for the interruption, I turn away from him and those eyes that I swear can see straight into me and focus on Principal Daniels. I might not think I can last here much longer, but I at least want to try and get through this part. It’s what I really want to see.
It’s the one time that a boy and a girl get to feel like the prince and princess of the entire school. It might not be something I’ll ever get to experience myself, but at least I can be here for the people that do.
“You might look like a princess, Isabelle Reagan, but if I had my way tonight, you’d also be a queen.”
Kayden
Homecoming King.
Well I didn’t see that coming, but as surprised as I am by it, I’m even more surprised by who the principal calls out as my Queen. If there’s ever a time when I needed a sign, it was now. I needed something to give me hope again. Hope that I would be able to get Isabelle to believe in me.
As soon as her name is announced, I know I’ve found it.
Watching as she makes her way toward the stage and more than that, toward me, I can feel her confusion as if I’m the one experiencing it. I don’t think she expected this to happen and I have to admit, neither did I. There isn’t another girl on the planet that deserves to be Homecoming Queen more than her though. This is her moment and man, do I want her to enjoy every second of it.
Count On Me Page 20