by Rachel Reid
“All right,” Kip said.
“Can we meet somewhere? After you’re done here?”
“I actually have somewhere to be this afternoon.”
Scott looked devastated.
“No, I mean it,” Kip said quickly. “I’m not brushing you off. I really want to talk to you. Really. A lot. Like...so much.”
“Okay. I’ve got the game tonight and all, so...maybe—Would you come to the game? Do you think?”
“Yeah,” Kip said. “Sure. I’ll be at the game tonight.”
Scott nodded. “Good. Okay. And maybe after we could...get together. Somewhere?”
“Sure. I’d like that.”
Scott’s face brightened. “Yeah? Well—” He leaned in, just the tiniest bit, and Kip’s breath caught. But then Scott took a quick step backward and said, “—I’ll see you then.”
“All right.”
Scott left and Kip waited as long as possible to turn and face Maria.
“What. The. Fuck,” she said.
“Okay, that probably looked—”
“So you two are—?”
“Sort of. I don’t know. Just please don’t tell anyone.”
“Holy shit!”
“I’m serious! Don’t say a word. Promise me, okay?”
“I promise! Of course I promise! But you have to tell me something. I need some details!”
“One detail.”
“One?”
“One.”
She made a face that implied that she was thinking very hard, then grabbed a cucumber out of the fridge and laid it on the counter. She picked up a knife and held it near the center of the cucumber. “Okay, you tell me when I hit the approximate length.”
“No.”
She moved the knife a bit.
“Come on. I’m not doing this.”
She moved it again and raised an eyebrow.
Kip glared at her, and then rolled his eyes and said, “A bit farther.”
Maria screamed. “Oh my god! I knew it! You lucky bitch!”
“All right. Enough. Seriously. Keep this to yourself, okay?”
“I will. I will. I promise,” she giggled.
Kip laughed a little, relieved that there was someone else who knew about his relationship.
His relationship that he was going to make damn sure he fixed tonight.
* * *
Scott felt good.
His hands were bandaged inside his gloves from the fight the other night, but he felt good. Centered. Focused. They were going to win tonight. He had no doubt of it.
He had been ignoring the headlines, and the commentary on the sports talk shows. He knew it was there, though. What exactly is wrong with Scott Hunter?
He shut it all off. None of that mattered. Each game was a fresh start. They were down two games, they would win the next four. No problem.
His teammates seemed to sense the change in him too. They weren’t looking at him with concern in their eyes; they were looking to him for strength. They were nodding back at him, silently communicating, You’ve got this. We’re with you. All the way. Kip was here, at the game. Seeing him here in his usual seat filled Scott with strength and confidence. It wasn’t superstition; it was love.
He would work things out with Kip tonight. He would make sure of it.
* * *
“Whoa, shit,” Elena said. “Looks like Scott got his groove back!”
They were standing and applauding wildly with the rest of the crowd. Scott had scored his second goal of the game, making it 5–2 for the Admirals late in the second period.
Maybe it was the hometown advantage, or maybe Scott had managed to find his focus. Or maybe the smoothies were magic, after all. Either way, Kip was relieved and happy.
And really fucking proud of him.
* * *
Kip received a text from Scott shortly after the game.
Would it be all right if we met at my place?
Kip had been hoping he might suggest it. Sure. You want me to go there now?
Scott: Yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can.
Elena hugged him and wished him luck. They’d had a long conversation before the game. Her opinion was that Kip and Scott were both idiots.
It was weird how much Scott’s luxurious apartment building felt like home to Kip now. He had to remind himself, as he walked into the enormous living room, that it wasn’t his home. But it was comforting to be in the familiar space again.
The wait, however, was agony. He knew Scott would be a while, but it seemed like an eternity. Kip sat on the couch, and then at the kitchen counter, and then paced around the living room. When the door finally clicked open, he was standing at the windows.
For a moment, Scott stared at him as if he couldn’t believe he was really there. Then he said, in the softest voice, “Kip.”
“Hey.”
He was wearing one of the bespoke suits he was required to leave the rink in. His beard was thick and his hair was longer than usual. He looked so fucking good.
Scott crossed the room until he stood an arm’s length away.
“Congrats on the win,” Kip said awkwardly.
“Thanks.” Scott’s hands, his bandaged fingers, were flexing at his sides. He was staring at Kip like he’d come back from the dead. “I’ve missed you.”
Scott’s voice broke on the last word. Kip did the only thing he could think to do—the only thing he wanted to do: He opened his arms. And Scott fell into them.
“I’m so sorry,” Scott whispered into Kip’s shoulder. “I never wanted you to leave. Please give me a chance to make it better.”
“Shh.” Kip kissed the top of Scott’s head.
They stayed that way for a while, wrapped up together and breathing each other in.
“Let’s sit,” Kip said, taking Scott’s hand. He held it gently, brushing his thumb over the bandages as he led him to the couch.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Scott said.
“Me too.”
“I’ve been miserable.”
“Me too.”
“I’d be lying if I said that the idea of coming out doesn’t still terrify me.”
“I know,” Kip said. “I’m putting too much pressure on you, especially now. So maybe I can back off a bit and be more patient.”
“But you were right, Kip. You were right about everything. You shouldn’t have to hide. You shouldn’t be my secret. You deserve so much better than that.”
“You deserve so much better too, Scott.”
“I know I do. I’m just...scared.”
“Can I ask,” Kip said carefully, “what exactly it is you’re afraid of? You keep saying, your career, or your privacy, but I know the NHL has, like, Pride nights and stuff.”
Scott scrubbed a hand over his face. He looked exhausted.
“Sorry,” Kip said quickly. “I just... I guess I feel like maybe there’s something I’m not understanding here.”
“You’re right,” Scott said, “about the league. They are trying. And teams are supposed to have a zero-tolerance policy about homophobia, but...” He sighed. “When I was a kid, I mean, hockey was my whole life. And, in that world, being gay—that was the worst insult. The lowest thing you could be. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to hear...well, every homophobic comment imaginable. It was pretty relentless.”
“Aimed at you?”
“At me, at everyone. It was just what you said if you wanted to get under a guy’s skin. Or if you were mad. And everyone accepted that. But when I started to realize that I might be that thing that my teammates all considered so repulsive...”
Kip took Scott’s hand. Scott swallowed and continued, “You have to remember, I went to boarding school—a hockey-focused boarding school—so there was n
o escape. And I hid. I hid my secret as deep as I could because I couldn’t hide the rest of me. I was the biggest star at that school, with NHL scouts coming to watch my games even then. And I knew—I mean, I thought, but I probably would have been right about it—that if I was caught with another boy, if anyone even thought I wanted another boy, it would all be over.”
“Was there a boy?” Kip asked quietly.
Scott smiled sadly. “There was a boy. Later. In Junior. My teammate, Jacob.”
“Did you guys...?”
“No. I don’t know if he was... But I think, maybe. He might have been looking at me too. But neither of us would have acted on it. The risk was way too high.”
“But you wanted him.”
“Desperately.” Scott laughed, humorlessly. “I thought I was in love with him.”
“God. That must have been agony.”
Scott shrugged. “I forced myself to ignore it. Focus on what was important. Get to the NHL.”
“And the NHL wasn’t any better?”
“I can’t really explain it. It’s one thing for the NHL to wave the Pride flag and talk about inclusion—and that’s great, really, I’m not saying it isn’t—but the locker rooms, and on the ice, and on the road with the guys... I don’t know. I never felt comfortable being honest about that part of my life. I don’t think I’d be looked at the same way again.”
Scott shook his head and continued, “And the thing is... Not to sound dramatic, but for my entire adult life, my teammates have been the only family I’ve had. So the thought of losing their respect and support is terrifying.”
And now Kip really felt like shit for pushing him. But he still wanted Scott to take the leap.
“That all probably sounds like a weak reason to not come out,” Scott said. “I’m not expecting to get beat up in the locker room or anything. It’s just—It’s a big fucking line for me to cross. And there’s no going back.”
“No,” Kip agreed. “There’s no going back. But, let me tell you, there are some pretty amazing things on the other side of that line.”
Scott smiled. “I know. I want to see them. I want to have them all. With you.”
“Me too. And whatever happens, Scott. You know I’ll be right there beside you, right? I can take it. Whatever you are afraid of, we’ll fight it together. I am so proud to be your boyfriend. If you think the world finding out how much I love you is scary to me, you’re dead wrong.”
Scott’s face crumpled a bit. His eyes were wet. “I love you. Kip, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I just love you so much and I can’t lose you. I just...can’t.”
Kip’s heart felt like a big, warm puddle. “I love you too, Scott.”
“Can you wait until the playoffs are over? Is that too much to ask?” His tone was sincere, not angry.
“I can wait,” Kip said. “But when the playoffs are over, we need to figure out what happens next.”
Scott nodded. “That’s fair. Yeah. All right.”
“Okay.”
“And can you promise to stop thinking that I’m going to think you’re not worth it? Or whatever? Because that is so far from the truth, I can’t even tell you.”
Kip gave a relieved, wet smile. “Deal.”
Scott closed his eyes and pressed his face against Kip’s palm. He took Kip’s other hand in his, and Kip curled their fingers together, squeezing reassuringly.
“What happened to your hands, anyway?” Kip asked. He lifted one of them to his lips and gently kissed Scott’s bruised knuckles.
“You didn’t watch that game?” Scott sounded a little hurt by that.
“No. I tried to watch the first one, but it... I just couldn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was only a fight. It was stupid.”
“A fight? You don’t fight. I’ve never seen you fight.”
“I don’t, usually. Not for a long time. And I shouldn’t have the other night, but...”
“What happened?” Kip asked, tracing his fingertips over the bandages.
“He called me a faggot. Which,” Scott said quickly, “is really not that big a deal. Like I said, words like that are so common on the ice that they don’t even mean anything.”
“Until they do,” Kip said quietly.
“Until they do.”
Kip cradled Scott’s big hands in his own.
“I wanted to tell him,” Scott said. “I wanted him to know exactly who it was that was beating his face in.”
Kip looked at him, surprised. “Well, that’s one way to come out. Not sure it’s what I’d recommend.”
Scott laughed. “I shouldn’t have done it. Fought him, I mean. I wish I hadn’t. But I was... You know.”
“Miserable?”
“Yeah. And I hadn’t been sleeping.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked out after that argument.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m going to figure this out,” Scott promised.
“I know. You’re going to win the Stanley Cup, and I’m going to get my master’s degree, and we’re going to be amazing together.”
“Unstoppable,” Scott agreed, and kissed him again. “Wait...did you get into school?”
Kip smiled. “I did! NYU!”
Scott wrapped him in his arms and squeezed almost too hard. “I’m so proud of you.”
“See?” Kip said into his shoulder. “Unstoppable. But...maybe, for now, it would be best if we give each other some breathing room, y’know?”
Scott released him, which made Kip laugh. “No, I meant, like, for the next few weeks. Until the playoffs are over, so you can focus. You’re traveling so much anyway, maybe it’s better if you just...forget about me for a while.”
He could see Scott tense up.
“Not gonna forget about you,” Scott said.
Kip smiled. “A little. Besides, I’ve got stuff to deal with in my own life. I, um, I got a new job.”
“What? Really? Like...a history job?”
“No,” Kip said. “Nothing that great. But a better job than the smoothie shop for sure. It’s at the Kingfisher. You know, the pub I go to.”
“Oh. The, um—”
“Gay bar. Yes.”
“Right. That’s... I mean, that’s great. You’re happy about it, right?”
“Yes. I think it will be fun. Late nights, for sure, but I’ll take that over ridiculously early mornings. And the money will be better. Good tips.”
“Well, congratulations then. Have you put in your notice at work?”
“Yeah. I sent an email yesterday. As soon as I was offered the job.”
“Oh.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” Scott said. “It’s just... I have fond feelings about that smoothie shop.”
“Aw. You’ll have to visit me at my new job.”
He waited for Scott to get weird about that.
Instead, Scott said. “I will. I promise. As soon as I...can.”
“Something to work toward.”
“Yeah.”
Kip leaned forward and kissed him.
“Will you stay here?” Scott asked. “Tonight?”
Kip ran his fingers down Scott’s necktie. “Yes. Of course.”
Scott shuddered out a breath and Kip moved his lips over to brush the shell of his ear. “What do you want to do?” he murmured.
“I don’t know.”
“How about this?” Kip said. “How about you take off this sexy-as-hell suit, go lie down on your bed, and I spend a couple of hours kissing every inch of you?”
He could feel Scott smiling against his shoulder.
* * *
Scott shivered on the bed. He felt both cold and hot, skin exposed to the air and Kip’s mouth and hands searing him and making his blood run like lava.
What Kip was doing to him, so slowly and carefully kissing and licking every part of him—cataloging him—it was almost an out-of-body experience. Kip would press kisses up the inside of one thigh, tantalizingly close to his cock, then switch and nip the inside of Scott’s wrist. He would flick his tongue over one nipple until Scott thought he would die, then he would lovingly comb his fingers through Scott’s new beard.
It was heaven and agony and possibly the most sensual experience of Scott’s life. He would need to return the favor someday.
Finally, Kip curled his tongue over Scott’s balls. He hummed as he took one into his mouth. Scott gasped and arched.
“I love you,” he said. “I love you so much and I’m going to fix everything. I promise. I’ll—”
“Shhh,” Kip said, replacing his mouth with his hand. He caressed him and lightly kissed the head of Scott’s swollen cock. “Don’t worry about anything. Just relax. Let me take care of you.”
Scott sighed and closed his eyes. Kip wrapped his plush, bruised lips around his cock and put his tongue to work taking Scott apart.
The buildup had been exquisite and eternal. Scott let himself feel everything that Kip was doing with his mouth and fingers. He felt the way it made his body tighten, the way it made his heart race. He wanted to come, and he wanted this to last forever.
He wanted so many things.
But now he could feel himself racing to the edge.
“Kip,” he said hoarsely.
Kip pulled off, replacing his mouth with his hand. “Want to see it,” he said. “Show me. Come on, baby.”
Scott came, silent and awestruck, as his gorgeous, perfect boyfriend watched. The thick white ribbons of his release splattered across his stomach and up onto his chest.
“So beautiful, sweetheart,” Kip said. He crawled up and kissed Scott, who kissed him back gratefully.
“You’re so good to me,” Scott said. “I love you. Don’t forget that, all right? I love you.”
“I won’t.”
Later that night, they lay in the dark. Kip was asleep with his head on Scott’s chest. He’d given Scott so much that night. He’d wrung himself out for Scott. And now he was curled against him, his body heavy and exhausted.
Scott held him, and made a silent promise that he would be the man Kip needed him to be. Then he slipped blissfully into sleep.