Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  Alexis nodded. It was hard to come up with what to say, when it wasn’t really her place to say anything.

  “Things are going well at the house. We’ve settled in to a good routine,” she hedged.

  The fact that routine didn’t include Ruby’s father went unsaid. Raoul continued to spend the better part of most days in the winery. He’d made his displeasure clear on the few occasions when, at the beginning, Alexis and Ruby had walked down to bring him his lunch.

  “Oh, oh, that’s good,” Laura said with a relieved smile. “Better than I expected to hear, anyway. You were friends with Bree, weren’t you?”

  “Since kindergarten,” Alexis said, swallowing against the bitter taste of guilt that rose in her throat. “We went through school together near Blenheim and kind of drifted apart a bit when she went up to Auckland for university. We used to catch up whenever she was home, though, and stayed in touch until she married and I went overseas.”

  Even as she said the words, she was reminded again of how she’d jumped on the opportunity to leave the country rather than remain and witness her friend’s happiness. Shame shafted a spear through her chest, making her breath hitch and a sudden wash of tears spring to her eyes.

  “We all miss her so much,” Laura said, misunderstanding the reason behind Alexis’s distress.

  Laura reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Alexis felt like a fraud accepting the other woman’s sympathy. She hardly deserved it when she’d been the one to abandon Bree. She hadn’t been here, hadn’t even known what was going on, when her friend had needed her most—and all because she hadn’t been able to keep her wretched hormones under control. She owed Bree a debt. It was why she was here now, and why she would stay as long as Ruby needed her, no matter what Raoul chose to throw at her.

  Laura continued on. “Look, weather permitting, the playgroup is having a family lunch at the beach this Sunday afternoon. We’re not planning to swim or anything, it’s far too cold already this autumn, but there are barbecues and a playground and tables and it’s so much easier to clean up afterward with the little ones. You and Ruby should come. And bring Raoul along, too, it’ll do him good to mix with his mates again.”

  “I—I’m not sure. Can I confirm with you later on?”

  It was one thing to accept an invitation for herself and Ruby, but quite another to do so for a man who’d clearly chosen to remove himself from his social circle.

  “Sure,” Laura said with an enthusiastic smile. She gave Alexis her cell number. “Just fire me a text if you’re coming.”

  When Alexis got back home, Ruby was already asleep in her car seat. She carefully lifted the sleeping infant and transferred her into her crib, taking a moment to watch her. Her heart broke for the wee thing. No mother, barely a father, either. Alexis’s hands gripped the side rail of the crib, her knuckles whitening. She had to try harder. Somehow, she had to get Raoul to open his life, to open his heart again. If she didn’t she would have failed everyone, but most of all this precious wee scrap sleeping so innocently in front of her.

  Four

  Sunday dawned bright and clear. Raoul eyed the cloudless sky with a scowl. He’d been adamantly opposed to attending this thing today. Adamantly. Yet Alexis had barreled on as if he hadn’t said no. In fact, when he thought about it, she hadn’t so much asked him if he would go along, she pretty much told him he was going.

  For a fleeting moment he considered disappearing to the winery, or even farther into his vineyards. Not that there’d be many places to hide there as the vines headed into their seasonal slumber, the leaves already turning and falling away. It was a shame it was still too early to start pruning. He could have lied and said that the work absolutely had to be done and right away, but he knew Alexis had grown up on a vineyard, too. She’d have known he wasn’t telling the truth the instant he opened his mouth.

  His stomach tied in knots. He really couldn’t do this. Couldn’t face the well-meaning looks and the sympathetic phrases people trotted out—as if any of it would change the past. And he really didn’t need to be within fifty meters of Alexis Fabrini for the better part of an afternoon.

  Each day she was here he was reminded anew of how his body had reacted to her ever since the first time he’d seen her. About how his wife might now be dead and gone but his own needs and desires certainly weren’t. After losing Bree, he’d believed that part of himself to be dormant to the point of extinction, until the second Alexis had walked into his winery. The discovery that all his body parts still worked just fine was a major, and often uncomfortable, inconvenience.

  “Oh, good, you’re ready!”

  Alexis’s ever-cheerful voice came from behind him. Instantly, every cell in his body leaped to aching life. Since that incident in the nursery the other day, he’d struggled to maintain a semblance of physical control. Even now the vision of her long legs and the curve of her pert bottom filled his mind. He slowly turned around.

  Ruby was in Alexis’s arms. Dressed in pink denim dungarees with a candy-striped long-sleeve knit shirt underneath and with a pale pink beret on her little head, she was the epitome of baby chic. She ducked her head into the curve of Alexis’s neck, then shyly looked back at him, a tentative smile curving her rosebud mouth and exposing the tiny teeth she had in front.

  His heart gave an uncomfortable tug. God, she was so beautiful, so like her mother. Ruby’s smile widened and he felt his own mouth twist in response before he clamped it back into a straight line once more.

  “Should we take your car or mine?” Alexis asked breezily.

  His eyes whipped up to her face. She looked slightly smug, as if she’d just achieved some personal goal.

  “I—I’m not sure if I’m going—I need to check something in the winery,” he hedged. “How about you go ahead and I’ll join you later in my own car if I have time.”

  Alexis’s lips firmed and he saw the disappointment mixed with determination in her eyes. Eyes that reminded him of melted dark chocolate, complete with all the decadence and promise that brought with it.

  “You’re chickening out, aren’t you?” she said, her voice flat. “You don’t want to go.”

  Ruby picked up on her change of mood and gave a little whimper.

  Chickening out? He instinctively bristled, programmed to instantly deny her accusation, but he had to admit she was right about him not wanting to go. If she insisted on putting it that way then sure, he was chickening out. Personally, he preferred to think of it as more of a strategic avoidance of a situation that would only bring him pain. Only a fool sought pain at every juncture, right?

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Fine,” Alexis said with a sigh. “We’ll go on our own. I just thought you were a better man than that.”

  “Better man? What do you mean?” he retorted, his pride pricked by her words.

  “Well, I know you’ve been busily wallowing in your solitary world for at least nine months now, but you weren’t the only person to lose Bree. I’m sorry to be this blunt, but you have to remember, all your friends lost her, too, and it was a double whammy for them when you shut them all out at the same time. I know they miss you and they’re your friends, too, Raoul.”

  “I didn’t...”

  He let his voice trail off. He wanted to refute what she’d said but he knew she told the truth. He had cut all ties deliberately. At the time, he hadn’t wanted platitudes or sympathy or help, particularly from people who would advise him to “move on” or “embrace life again” when he had just wanted to be left alone with his memories and his regrets. And that hadn’t changed.

  Or had it? He missed the camaraderie of his mates—the beers and insults shared over a game of rugby, the discussion between fellow wine enthusiasts over one varietal trend or another. But he wasn’t ready to get back out there, to reconnect with people...was he?

  The idea was pretty terrifying. He’d been insular for so long now. Even if he could muster the energy to try, would his old friends
even want to talk to him again? He had been outright rude on occasions. When he’d surfaced from abject grief he’d been filled with resentment instead, especially that their lives could go on unsullied while his had fallen into an abyss. And once he’d fallen, it had become easier to remain deep down inside the abyss rather than to claw his way back out and into the light.

  Clearly Alexis had had enough of his excuses because she picked up the picnic bag she’d obviously packed earlier and headed to the door. He stood there, frozen to the spot as she blithely walked away.

  “Wait!”

  The sound was more of a croak than a word. She stopped in her tracks and half turned toward him.

  “We’ll take the Range Rover,” he said, stepping forward and reaching to take the picnic bag from her.

  The bag was heavy and made him realize just how strong she was. She’d already shouldered the baby’s diaper bag as well, and had Ruby on her hip. It seemed to simply be Alexis’s way. To do whatever needed to be done—to bear whatever burden had to be borne without resentment or complaint. He almost envied her the simplicity of that.

  “Thanks, I’ll transfer Ruby’s seat over from mine.”

  “No, it’s okay. There’s a spare still in its box in the garage. I’ll get that.”

  Alexis gave him a nod of acceptance and he was grateful she’d said nothing about his change of mind.

  Twenty minutes later, as they approached the picnic area at the local beach, he felt his stomach clench into a knot and a cold wash of fear rushed through his veins. He started as Alexis laid her hand on his forearm.

  “It’ll be okay, Raoul, I promise. They won’t bite. They’re your friends, and they understand how hard this is for you.”

  Understand? He doubted it but he forced his thoughts away from Bree and to the here and now. To the vista before him, peppered with people he knew. People who knew him. And then, to the woman who sat beside him in the passenger’s seat. The woman whose hand still rested warmly on his arm. A woman who’d put her own life and, he knew, her career on hold so she could look after Bree’s daughter.

  His gaze flicked to the rearview mirror. His daughter.

  The sensation in his gut wound up another notch and he hissed out a breath.

  “C’mon, let’s get this over with.”

  He pushed open his door and turned away from Alexis, letting her hand drop. He stalked around to the back of his SUV and lifted the hatch, purposefully grabbing the diaper bag and the picnic bag out before lifting out the stroller. He tugged at the handles to try to unfold the thing but it remained solidly shut.

  “I’ll do that if you like,” Alexis said, coming around the car with Ruby.

  She pushed the baby at him, much like she’d done the other day. Stiffly, he accepted the child’s weight into his arms. Ruby looked at him with solemn blue eyes and then reached up to pat him gently on the cheek. Alexis had the stroller up in two seconds flat and she put the diaper bag in the basket on the underside before placing the picnic bag in the seat.

  “Shouldn’t she go there?” Raoul asked.

  “Nope, she’s fine right where she is. Aren’t you, precious?”

  She reached out to tickle Ruby under her chin and was rewarded with a little chuckle. The delightful sound made Raoul’s heart do a flip-flop in his chest and ignited an ember of warmth deep inside. He rapidly quashed the sensation. He couldn’t afford to soften, it just laid you open to so much pain. He wasn’t going there again. Not ever.

  “No,” he said emphatically, reaching for the picnic bag and putting it on the ground before buckling Ruby firmly into her stroller. “She’s safer here,” he said, once he was satisfied she was secure.

  “She was fine with you, you know, Raoul.”

  “I know what you’re trying to do, Alexis. It’s not going to happen. You can’t make me fit into the mold you want to squeeze me into.”

  Heat flashed in her eyes and her lips drew into a straight line. Something he’d noticed she did whenever she was annoyed with him—which was pretty darn often come to think of it.

  “Is that what you think I’m trying to do? Squeeze you into a mold? For what it’s worth, I’m not attempting to do any such thing. You’re Ruby’s father and it’s about time you stepped up to your responsibilities.” She softened her tone slightly as she continued. “Look, I know you miss Bree, I know how much you loved her. But rejecting your child isn’t going to bring Bree back. If anything it’s only pushing her memory further away.”

  The permanent ache that resided deep within him grew stronger and he dragged in a breath.

  “I’m dealing with this the only way I know how. The only way I can,” he said quietly. “Just leave me be, okay?”

  With that he picked up the picnic bag and walked toward the gathering group. This was hard enough as it was without fighting with Alexis every step of the way at the same time. Deep down he knew she had a point. Bree wouldn’t have wanted this, wouldn’t have been happy that he’d left Ruby with Catherine. After the amount of time the baby had spent in hospital, he was terrified to even hold her and it had seemed that Catherine needed her daughter’s baby about as much as Ruby had needed a confident and loving touch. It had appeared to be the best choice for everyone for him to withdraw, to confine his contact with his daughter to financially providing for her care. After all, what did he know about babies? What if he did something wrong or missed some vital clue that could lead to illness or, even worse, death? Wasn’t it better for him to take the time to mourn in his own way, safely alone where there was no one he could hurt—and no one who could hurt him?

  Better or not, Alexis was dragging him out of the dark, and he wasn’t happy about it. Her presence alone had been enough to spark a part of him to life he’d thought would be dead and gone forever. Basic human instinct, human need, had unfurled from where he’d locked it down, hard. She had a way about her—a warmth, a casual touch here and there—that had begun to thaw out the emotions he’d denied himself and that he knew he no longer deserved.

  Emotions were messy things. They insidiously wrapped themselves around your mind and your heart and then when everything went to hell in a handbasket they squeezed so tight you could barely draw breath. He wasn’t ready to risk that again. Not for anyone. The pain of loss was just too much. It was much easier to simply lock it all out, to prevent it happening.

  He lifted a hand in greeting as one of the guys over by the barbecue area shouted a hello and began to walk toward him. Raoul steeled himself for what he anticipated would be an awkward reunion, but to his surprise he found himself relaxing under the onslaught of his friend’s warm and simple greeting.

  “Good to see you, mate,” his friend Matt said, clapping his back in a man hug. “We’ve missed you.”

  Raoul murmured something appropriate in response and accepted the icy bottle of beer being thrust in his hand. Before long others joined them and, to his immense relief, no one mentioned Bree or his absence from their circle over the past nine months. He was just beginning to relax when one of the guys gestured over to where Alexis was sitting with the other women and the little ones.

  “New nanny? Nice piece of work there, buddy,” the guy said approvingly. His voice was full of innuendo as he continued. “Good around the house, is she?”

  Raoul felt his hackles rise. Alexis was good around the house and great with Ruby, but he knew that wasn’t what this guy was aiming at.

  “Alexis is an old friend of Bree’s. Ruby’s lucky to have her. Besides, it’s only temporary, until Catherine’s back on her feet again.”

  His mention of Bree froze over the conversation as effectively as if he’d tipped a bucket of cold water over the guy.

  “Hey man, my apologies, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “That’s fine, then,” Raoul uttered tightly.

  Anger still simmered beneath the surface for a while over the dismissive way the other man had talked about Alexis. She deserved more respect than that. While he might not n
ecessarily have been warm or friendly toward her himself, he could certainly ensure she received the respect she deserved from others. He didn’t stop for a minute to consider why that was so important to him and he missed the look exchanged between his friends behind his back as his gaze remained locked on his daughter’s nanny.

  * * *

  Alexis felt a familiar prickle in between her shoulder blades as if she was under scrutiny. She turned and caught Raoul’s gaze fastened firmly on her, a serious expression on his face. The moment their eyes met he turned his attention back to the group of men gathered around the barbecue where, by the smells of things, they were making a sacrificial offering of the meat as only a large group of guys could.

  Despite the fact he was no longer looking at her, she still felt the impression of his gaze and a flush of heat stained her cheeks and chest in response. What had he been thinking to have such a somber visage? she wondered. Whatever it had been, he’d obviously pushed it to the back of his mind as he now appeared to be laughing at something someone else had said.

  The sight of him laughing like that sent a thrill of joy all the way to her heart. He needed to laugh more often, deserved to. The way he’d hidden himself away, devoid of all company and support, had been wrong on so many levels she couldn’t even begin to enumerate them. She knew everyone coped differently with grief, but he’d become a slave to his, and that hadn’t done anyone any favors—not Raoul and certainly not Ruby.

  She watched him a moment longer, relishing the warm sensation that coursed through her as she looked her fill. Laughter suited him. Happiness suited him. And somehow she had to make sure he had his fair share of both back in his world. He reached for another drink from the cooler, a can of soda this time, and she watched the play of muscles along his shoulders beneath the fine knit of his lightweight sweater.