Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  A sense of unreality hit her, as if she was watching a black-and-white movie starring strangers coming together for the very first time. In a sense, that was exactly what was happening. Not for them a normal period of courtship. They’d been acquaintances, at best, when she’d run off overseas. Combatants since her return. For all that Alexis was falling in love with him, she barely knew him—not in all the ways that counted.

  One thing she did know, though, was that in his time of need tonight, he’d turned to her rather than away. She would do whatever he wanted, give him whatever he needed of her, and along the way she’d receive a slice of what she had always wanted in return.

  She moaned as Raoul continued his sensual onslaught on her body, his fingers and his tongue tracing a magical dance across the skin of her belly, and lower. When his tongue flicked across her center she all but jerked off the bed. It was as if every nerve in her body had congregated on that one point. It took bare seconds before she flew over the precipice and into the rolling swells of a climax so intense, so exquisite, that tears leaked from her eyes and down the sides of her face.

  She was still riding the crest when she felt him shove his trousers off and move between her legs. With a guttural cry, he entered her still-spasming body. She felt herself stretch to accommodate his length, felt her inner muscles contract and squeeze against him, welcoming him into her heat, her heart. He thrust against her, deep and strong. She’d barely recovered from her first orgasm when she was in the throes of a second.

  Through the rolling, intoxicating fog of pleasure she was aware of his body growing taut, of him surging into her once, twice more until with another cry he spent himself within her. He collapsed onto her, his body racked with paroxysms that mirrored her own. Alexis closed her arms around him, holding him to her, relishing the ragged sound of his breathing, the involuntary shudder of his hips against hers as he rode his climax to completion.

  * * *

  Raoul could barely breathe, much less think. He rolled off Alexis and sank into the mattress beside her as the perspiration on his body cooled. As the realization of what he’d just done slowly sank in.

  Deep down he’d always known that sex with Alexis would be explosive. It was exactly why he’d stayed well away from her. Guilt slammed into him, chasing the buzz of physical satisfaction into oblivion. By doing what he’d just done, by seeking and taking pleasure, he’d just betrayed the one woman he’d pledged to remain faithful to.

  Tears burned at the back of his eyes as recrimination filled him, making his mouth taste bitter, making each breath a painful necessity. He didn’t deserve to seek respite. He certainly didn’t deserve to find pleasure and most especially not in the arms of Alexis Fabrini.

  He could feel her, lying silently beside him. Her breathing was still quick and shallow. The warmth of her body extended across the short distance between them, offering him succor. Support and comfort he didn’t deserve.

  He screwed his eyes shut tight. He was so wrong to have done this. He should have just stayed in his room, alone with the bottle of brandy and the snifter he’d taken from his study with the idea of finding oblivion in alcohol’s potent depths.

  Alexis reached across the sheets and took his hand in hers, squeezing silently. Even now she offered him reassurance. He felt the mattress shift slightly as she rolled onto her side to face him but he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and meet her gaze.

  He tensed, waiting for her to say something, but instead she reached out a hand and stroked his chest. The light circular movements of her hand soothed him, when he didn’t want to be soothed. He wanted her to yell at him, to demand to know what he’d been thinking when he’d come to her room, when he’d all but dragged her back to his. When he’d given in to the clamoring demand of his body and taken her without thought, without care.

  Without protection.

  His heart hammered in his chest even as her hand worked its way lower, over his rib cage and to his abdomen. Despite the horrifying realization that had just dawned on him, his body continued to respond to her touch—to be soothed and ignited, both at the same time. His flesh begin to stir again, the thrum of desire beat through his veins.

  “No!” he said abruptly, gripping her hand and halting it on its inexorable journey down his body. “We didn’t use protection,” he said grimly.

  “It’s okay,” Alexis said. “I’m on the Pill.”

  He gave her a considering look. Was she telling the truth? She had no reason to lie. Through the gloom, she met his gaze full on and he saw enough there to relax just a little.

  Alexis rose onto her knees, then straddled him, gently pulling her hand free from his grasp.

  “So, I guess it’s yes?” she whispered softly back to him. “Please, Raoul. Let me love you.”

  “This isn’t love,” he said bluntly, hating the fact he couldn’t control his growing response to her.

  He felt her flinch a little at his words and heard the sharply indrawn breath.

  “Then let me enjoy you, let yourself enjoy me,” she coaxed, bending her head to kiss him.

  Her tongue swept along his lower lip before she sucked it between her teeth. He fought the rising tide of desire that continued to swell inside him—but made no effort to pull away. He could feel the heat of her core as she hovered over his belly, felt his penis twitch in response. Exactly when he surrendered to her will and became an active participant he wasn’t entirely sure, but all of a sudden his hands were cupping her head and his fingers were tangled in the honeyed strands of her hair as he kissed her back with all the pent-up longing and despair that had tormented him these past ten months.

  When she broke away he would have protested, but her small deft hands massaged and stroked him, gliding along his shoulders, down his chest, over his belly and finally, finally, reached his aching erection. He felt her fingers close around his length, felt her squeeze gently as she stroked him up and down. His hands fisted at his sides as he felt himself harden even more. When she shifted and bent to take him in her mouth he almost lost it right then and there. The slick moist texture of her lips and tongue against the smooth swollen head of his penis sent jolts of pleasure radiating through his body.

  There was no room for any more thought, no room for right or wrong, there was only space for sensation and its inevitable, relentless buildup. With a final lave of her tongue Alexis released him from the hot cavern of her mouth and realigned her body so she was poised over him. He held his breath as her darkened silhouette slowly lowered over him, as he entered the silky hot wetness of her body.

  She gave a moan of pure delight as she took him deep inside her, tilting her pelvis and rocking against him. He felt her inner muscles clench and hold him. Pressure built inside him until it became a demand he could no longer ignore.

  His hands found her hips and he used the leverage to move beneath her as she set up a rhythm designed to send them both screaming into a molten mess of fulfillment. She grabbed at his wrists, pulling his hands free from her hips and guided them to the lush fullness of her breasts. He cupped and held them, his fingers massaging their softness until his fingertips caught tightly beaded nipples between them and squeezed.

  “Oh, yes,” she breathed, her hips grinding into him. She pressed her breasts more firmly into his touch, so much so that he bore most of her weight now on his arms. She was magnificent. Her hair in disarray around her head, her slender throat arched and her shoulders thrown back. His climax built inside him, demanding release, but he held back, gritting his teeth and fighting for control, and then he had no need to hold on a moment longer. A thin keening sound escaped Alexis’s throat and he felt her entire body shudder. His shaft was gripped by a silken fist that squeezed and released until he, too, tipped over into heady addictive gratification.

  Alexis slumped against him, and he drew her close, her breasts now squashed against his chest, strands of her hair caught on his whiskered jaw. She shifted her legs to be more comfortable but they remain
ed joined together and somehow it felt right. For now at least.

  Refusing to question it a moment longer, Raoul allowed himself to drift into a slumber of sheer exhaustion, his arms still locked tight around her waist. Tomorrow would be soon enough to face the recriminations that would undoubtedly meet him in the mirror in the morning.

  Eight

  Alexis felt the cool sheets beside her and knew he’d gone, withdrawn from her again in every sense of the word. She’d hoped they’d stay together the whole night but she was realistic enough to know he had to be dealing with some serious personal demons about now.

  She opened her eyes, searching for where he’d thrown her nightgown, understanding that it would probably be best if she returned to her room.

  It was still semidark. A sound over by the floor-length window caught her attention. Raoul stood there, naked, framed in the window. His gaze was fixed on something in the distance, his body caressed by the silver hint of moonlight. She slipped from the bed and came up behind him. Her arms slid around his waist as she leaned against his back.

  Still he didn’t move, or acknowledge her presence. It was as if she was hugging a statue.

  “Are you okay?” she asked softly, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

  She felt his body tense, then his rib cage expand as he drew in a breath.

  “Yes...and no.”

  “Talk to me, Raoul,” she coaxed. “I’m right here.”

  “What we did. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have come to you last night.”

  “Raoul, I’m glad you did. We needed each other. What we took from one another, what we gave, we did that honestly. There’s no reason for shame between us.”

  He remained silent for a while but she could still feel the conflict that coiled and strained inside him. Eventually he shook his head.

  “I can’t do this—”

  He gestured futilely with one hand. Alexis loosened her arms and stepped back.

  “It’s okay,” she said, even though she felt as if she might fracture apart.

  It took all of her strength to hold her emotions together. Last night had been deeply special to her and, she’d hoped, special to Raoul, too. Apparently hoping that had been premature. So they were simply going to have to take this step by baby step. If she could give him his space now, perhaps it would allow him to realize that he deserved happiness, too.

  “No, it’s not okay. I have done nothing to earn your understanding. I’ve used you, Alexis, can’t you see that? Don’t you think you deserve better than that?”

  She fought not to flinch at the harsh words. “Of course I do. We both do. But don’t you think I got to use you, too? You’re not alone in this, Raoul, no matter how isolated you feel, no matter how alone you try to be. I’m here...for you.”

  He faced her and she could see the scowl that twisted his handsome face into a mask of displeasure.

  “Can’t you even allow me to apologize for what I did?”

  She shook her head vehemently. “You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing!” she repeated with even more emphasis than before. “Did you feel me try to push you away? Did I ask you to leave or did I turn my head away when you kissed me? No. I welcomed your touch, Raoul. I welcomed you. We all need help sometimes. Trouble is, you’re too afraid to ask for it and if you do, you see it as some kind of weakness, something to be sorry about.”

  “I still shouldn’t—”

  “Oh, please.” Alexis rolled her eyes. “Stop it. You were man enough to reach out to me last night. Just accept that I am woman enough to want to grasp hold of you, to be there for you. I don’t do anything I don’t want to, Raoul. Or anyone. So get over it.”

  Wrapping her bravado around her like a shield, Alexis walked away from him and found her nightgown on the floor. She dragged it on over her head and all but ran back to her room and into the en suite bathroom. She flipped on the shower and fought to take in a leveling breath as the water warmed. It was still early, at least another hour until sunrise and Ruby’s usual time for waking, but there was little point in going back to bed. No way would she get any more sleep now. She stripped off her nightgown and stepped into the luxuriously tiled shower stall and closed her eyes against the stream of water, blindly reaching for the bar of soap she’d put there yesterday. Her eyes flew open when she encountered warm wet male instead.

  Raoul’s gaze was intense, his jaw a rigid line and his lips pressed firmly together as he stood there, water from the dual jets cascading over his hair and down his neck and shoulders.

  He reached for the bar of soap and lathered it up in his hands before gently turning her around to face the shower wall. His hands were firm as he began to massage her shoulders with the scented foam, his thumbs working into knots she didn’t know she had. He worked his way down the center of her spine, easing away any residual stiffness she had from her unaccustomed sleeping position during the night.

  By the time his hands caressed her buttocks she was all but melting. Her breasts felt full and heavy, aching for his touch, her nipples ruched into tight nubs. She squeezed her thighs together to relieve some of the pressure that built at their apex but it only served to increase her hunger for more of his touch.

  His hands left her for a minute, only to return, relathered and on a determined path around her body. She felt his erection pressing against her buttocks as he reached around her, cupping her breasts and gently massaging them. One hand began to track down her body, pressing her back against him. She widened her legs, felt him bend his knees and position himself at her aching center. She waited for his possession but he seemed comfortable just biding his time while his fingers teased and played with her, coaxing her flesh a little wider, grazing her clitoris with firm sweeps of his thumb.

  Alexis’s legs trembled as she felt her orgasm begin to build and build, the pressure almost too much to bear. When he finally slid inside her, he touched off something deep within. Something with more intensity, more complexity than anything she’d felt before.

  She rose to the tips of her toes as Raoul drove into her body. She could feel the roughness of the hair on his legs against the backs of her thighs, the firmness of his belly against her buttocks. When he came, he came hard and so did she. Pleasure didn’t just come in waves, it ricocheted through her again and again.

  His head fell onto her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her until she didn’t know who was supporting whom to stay upright anymore. Eventually their breathing slowed and Alexis felt strength return to her limbs. Hot water still pounded them both as Raoul withdrew from her. He slicked a hand with soap and gently washed then rinsed her clean. She was glad of the attention as, while she was regaining control of her limbs, her consciousness was still under question.

  “Keep taking your pill,” Raoul said in the shell of her ear, and then he was gone.

  By the time she looked around, he’d swiped one of the towels from the heated rail and had left the bathroom. Steam filled the air, leaving her to almost wonder if she hadn’t just dreamed the entire sequence of events. The racing of her heart, and the tendrils of satisfaction that still ebbed and flowed through her, confirmed it had been very, very real. She thought about what he’d said, as well as what she’d told him about being on the Pill.

  Technically, she was, but since she’d been here she’d been less than fully careful about taking the contraceptive. In the past, she’d always been a stickler for taking her tablet on time, but with the adjustment to a whole new routine this past month she’d been a little lax. That was something that was going to have to change if they were going to continue with this...this...whatever it was. Clearly he had reached some personal decision about the two of them. One that involved their mutual pleasure, if nothing else.

  She turned off the showerheads and stepped from the stall, drying her sensitized skin with a large bath sheet. Could she settle for that? The pursuit of physical release with none of the messy emotional stuff that usually came with it?

  A w
hile ago she’d have said a flat-out no. She had always wanted a relationship she could pledge herself to, fully and completely, and know that that pledge was returned. But Raoul had made it perfectly clear that he couldn’t give her that. Could she settle for less than love from him?

  A little aftershock of pleasure thrilled through her body again. Maybe she’d just have to give it a try and see what happened. At best, the ice around his heart may begin to thaw. At worst, well, she didn’t even want to think about that just yet.

  In the bedroom she grabbed her handbag and pulled her contraceptive strip from the side pocket. She’d missed three tablets in this cycle but not consecutively. Hopefully she’d still be safe. To avoid further memory lapses she added a new alarm to her cell phone, reminding her to take her pill each morning. To be doubly safe, she’d visit a pharmacy in town and consult with them about the morning-after pill, as well.

  Sounds came through the baby monitor that Alexis kept on the bedside cabinet. Ruby was stirring. She quickly dressed and went through to the baby’s room to start her working day—except somewhere along the line it had ceased to be work and was becoming something else instead. And as she lifted the little girl for a good-morning cuddle she realized that being needed was something she’d craved all her life.

  Her parents had been sufficient to one another while she was growing up. And that was exactly as it should have been, she reminded herself as she changed and dressed Ruby. They’d always loved her, been there for her, but no one had ever truly needed her before. Not the way Ruby did now. Not the way she began to hope Raoul did, also.

  A tiny flame of optimism flickered to life deep in her belly. This could work. They could become a family. She had to keep believing it was possible...because the alternative didn’t even bear thinking about. Despite everything, despite her determination not to completely give her heart to anyone unless she was certain those feelings were returned, Alexis knew she was falling deeper and deeper into love with Raoul Benoit.