Critical Failures VI (Caverns and Creatures Book 6)

by Robert Bevan

  I didn't come all this way to let this monster roam free.

  “My... other friends are... counting on me.”

  There's no other about it. If you let this vile creature live, knowing what he's done to me, you are no friend of mine. Make your decision.

  “I... I...”

  “Cooper,” said Chaz. “Are you okay?”

  “I...” Cooper felt Nabi abandon his mind, and about a metric ton of shit abandon his ass. He breathed heavily while Chaz and Fuckface did their best to breathe as little as possible. “I'm okay now.”

  “Glad to hear it,” Chaz croaked.

  “You two get to work pulling the roots out of his junk.” Cooper narrowed his eyes threateningly at Fuckface. “I'm going to wipe my ass.”

  The inside of the bag was thoroughly saturated by the time Cooper was done. He almost felt premature pity for Fuckface, but wasn't sure how much betrayal it would take for him to actually go through with putting the shitbag over his head.

  Chaz gently pulled the roots from Mordred's nostrils, which came out with a wet slurping sound, dripping with snot and a little blood. They were really up in there, a good twelve inches at least.

  Everyone jumped when Mordred took in a deep breath through his nose. He didn't wake up, but he was now breathing normally.

  “The roots must have been oxygenating his lungs directly,” said Chaz.

  Cooper thought that sounded like bullshit. “How can roots do that?”

  “I don't know. I'm not a fucking magical botanist. I just know that he's clearly alive, despite not having been able to breathe normally until just now.”

  Realizing that he didn't actually give a shit, Cooper got to work helping Chaz pull roots off of and out of Mordred. The thin ones were easy enough, but the thicker ones were much tougher. Their bright green color was as deceptive as the way they wrapped around parts of Mordred's body. They weren't flexible like vines. This was proper hardened wood.

  “There's no way we're going to get him out of this without breaking some of these roots,” said Chaz. “So you might as well save us some time and use the axe.”

  Cooper frowned at the thickest of the roots, wrapped around Mordred's torso. “It's the Green Mother.” He held Nabi in front of his face. “Is it bad to chop the Green Mother's roots?”

  After a moment, Chaz rolled his hand impatiently. “Well?”

  “Well shit,” said Cooper. “She's not talking to me.”

  “Is she... gone?”

  “No, she's still in there. She's just acting all pissy because I won't kill Mordred.” He wagged a finger at the axe. “Well I'll tell you something. I don't give a fuck about your Green Mother. If you've got any objections to me chopping at her roots, you'd better speak up.”

  Nabi remained stubbornly silent.

  Cooper held up the axe threateningly at the tree roots. “I'll do it!”

  Nabi said nothing.

  “I'm going to count to three.”

  Nabi continued to say nothng.

  “One! Two!”

  Silence.

  “Two and a half!”

  It was getting embarrassing now. Cooper had to make good on his threat, but wasn't yet ready to go whole hog on the big roots. He swung gently down on a root about the breadth of the power cord on a kitchen appliance.

  The ground didn't shake. The tunnel didn't cave in. The severed root didn't shoot out a stream of blood. And as far as Cooper could make out, the tree wasn't screaming in agony. In fact, the root healed itself right there while Cooper was staring at it. The clean sever was gone, replaced by a pointed root tip. He looked at Chaz.

  Chaz shrugged.

  “Is everything cool?” asked Cooper. “If so, don't say anything.” He knew she was in there because he felt a surge of anger and annoyance in his mind that wasn't coming from him. “Alright, let's get this fat fuck out of here.”

  Cooper hacked away at the roots holding up Mordred. Some were in difficult-to-reach places without risking a piece of Mordred in the chop, but he managed. The whole process took somewhere between half an hour and forty-five minutes. When it was done, Mordred was still asleep, wrapped in hardened roots with his arms spread out crucifixion style, but he was free of the Green Mother.

  “It's going to be a real bitch dragging him all the way back to the Whore's Head like this,” said Cooper as he pulled Mordred away, lest the Green Mother try to fuse any of her roots back together.

  Chaz grabbed Mordred's other arm and helped pull. “One step at a time. First we need to get him up to the surface, then we can talk about how to get him back to Cardinia.”

  Fuckface, who was stronger than he looked, held up Mordred's feet so that they weren't dragging on the ground. “I have done as you asked. When we climb out of Morning Glory Hole, will you release me?”

  “Not quite yet,” said Chaz. “We still need your Ward of Protection to get us out of the forest without getting jumped by those shadow monsters.”

  “It's really not our call anyway,” said Cooper. “We need to hand him over to the pixies and let them decide his fate.” He hoped to feel some tingle of forgiveness from Nabi, but he didn't feel anything at all.

  Fuckface made his best attempt at sad puppy dog eyes, but he looked more like Yoda taking a dump. “But I helped you! You can't hand me to the pixies. Look at what they've already done to me. They'll kill me for sure!”

  “As if we give a fuck!” said Chaz. “You've tried to kill us twice now. You tried to shove their souls into weapons. You pulled out Nabi's wings. Don't start bitching to us about how life isn't fair.”

  Cooper felt happy for Chaz, who finally had someone he could look down on.

  Fuckface scowled at Chaz. “What right have you to judge me? Have you led a life of complete innocence?”

  Chaz laughed. “Dude, you do not get to play the cast-the-first-stone card here. That's not how this works. You're not the Jesus in this situation. We don't owe you shit. The choice you have to make is whether or not you're going to spend what little time you have left between now and then with that bag on your head.”

  “Your hearts are full of treachery! We had an understanding, and you –” A clicking sound came from above them. His eyes widened. “Oh sh–”

  He was interrupted again, this time by the tunnel caving in on them all.

  Unable to see, move, or breathe, Cooper now remembered that they should have been looking out for that thin strand that they'd crawled under on their way in.

  “Nabi,” he whispered. “I'm sorry.”

  I'm sorry too, Cooper. I know you want to help your friends. That's what I've always loved about you. I was just really angry, and I –

  “That's it!” said Cooper. “Thanks, Nabi.” He was so happy that she was talking to him again that he found it difficult to become enraged. Focusing, he spoke the words, “I'm... really... angry.”

  His bulging body packed the dirt around him even more tightly. He was now truly stuck, unable to even wiggle a finger, much less dig himself out of however many hundreds of pounds of dirt he and the others were buried under. After all they'd just accomplished, this felt like a really shitty way to go.

  He thought he might have a little more wiggle room if he came out of his rage and shrank back down to normal size. Unlikely to do any good as it seemed, he was about to try when suddenly the dirt started lifting away on its own.

  He furiously breathed in massive lungfuls of air as the dirt around him continued to rise. He could hear the others breathing greedily as well. Chaz, Fuckface... Mordred!

  Cooper looked up. Mordred was levitating about a foot off the ground. His arms were still spread wide apart but no longer because of the roots, which had fallen from him. He wiggled his fingers, producing swirls and wavy ripples in the dirt he held suspended in the air with his mind. He grinned at the magnificence of his newly-acquired powers, until his glowing red gaze fell to Cooper.

  “You!” he said, removing any doubt of his true identity.

  “F
UCK YOU!” said Cooper as he punched Mordred in the dick.

  His concentration broken, Mordred fell hard on the ground, cradling his dick with both hands.

  Chaz and Fuckface shrieked as the dirt rained back down on them.

  Mordred had dispersed the dirt enough so that when it fell back down, Cooper's head was still above the surface.

  He came out of his rage and took in the soothing aroma of his own fart as his body shrank back down to normal size. He had some room to move now, and knew he didn't have much time before Chaz and Fuckface suffocated to death, Mordred reemerged from the dirt, or both. He'd have to choose between subduing Mordred or rescuing Chaz and Fuckface.

  Use the Decanter of Endless Water.

  “I'm glad you're talking to me again, but I've got more important shit to deal with than needing a shower.”

  Set it on the ground, point it at your friend, and use the geyser setting.

  “Like the dickwater thing from before? I know it was hilarious then, but it seems unnecessarily cruel, considering he's already buried alive.”

  It wasn't that funny. Please, Cooper. Trust me.

  “Fine,” Cooper grumbled as he dug the Decanter of Endless Water out of his bag. “Everyone's a fucking critic.”

  The ground behind him, where Mordred was buried, was beginning to ripple as the first pieces of dirt began to rise. This time the effect was concentrated strictly on the space just above Mordred. He was going to let the rest of them stay buried. What a dick.

  Cooper set the Decanter of Endless Water on the ground and aimed it in the direction he thought Chaz was buried in. “Geyser!” By the time he climbed out of his own Rage-Cooper sized hole, he could already see that the power and volume of water gushing out of the decanter was liquefying the dirt covering Chaz and Fuckface. This might actually work. It had better, because Cooper had a dick to punch right now.

  You got lucky last time, catching him by surprise. He'll be anticipating another punch to the genitals.

  “Well if you've got any better ideas, lay down your cards. I don't have all day to come up with a complicated plan.”

  No one expects the shitbag.

  Cooper's baser instincts told him that a punch to the dick was still the way to go, but the shtbag idea had merit. Besides, he owed Nabi some vengeance. The shitbag was as close to death as vengeance came, and arguably even more satisfying for the avenger.

  As more dirt rose, Cooper walked around to the other side of Mordred's hole and readied the bag. Sweet baby Jesus, was it ripe.

  Mordred's left hand burst out of his hole and the flying dirt started to swirl around it. The dirt-tornado grew darker and darker as more dirt lifted from his hole and became part of it. His head and right hand were unburied at the same time, the former taking in another deep breath, and the lattter holding what appeared to be a miniature time-delayed fireball. He was going to unbury them, chuck in a fireball, and bury them again before it exploded. Kind of an awesome way to go, but not today.

  When he caught his breath, Mordred laughed as he exhumed his lower body and began to rise. “How very appropriate that the first people to fall under my new powers should be the very people who – ”

  As soon as Mordred's head broke surface level, Cooper brought the shitbag down hard on it. The fireball fizzled out like a burning marshmallow dunked in a toilet. The sudden lack of tornado sent dirt flying in every direction. Mordred started to fall, but Cooper caught him forklift-style under the pits, then sat him down and held his arms behind his back.

  “What is – NO! Please, no! Please! Plaaaauuuuurrrgggghhhhh!”

  Runny green vomit gushed down Mordred's front, leaving little chunks in his hairy dwarf tits. Finally, his body went limp.

  Chaz and Fuckface gulped in as much air as their lungs could hold as they crawled out of the soupy mud created by the still gushing Decanter of Endless Water.

  Chaz flopped down on the ground like a slimy living turd. “Cooper, you're okay. What happened.”

  “I had to shitbag Mordred. The DC on his Concentration check is too high for him to cast any spells, so he tapped out and abandoned this body.”

  “That was good thinking, but I don't know how long we can depend on that. We should gag him and tie his hands together to further limit his spellcasting ability. And we need to get him back to the Whore's Head pronto. The sooner this responsibility is out of our hands, the better.”

  Cooper wholeheartedly agreed. He picked up the Decanter of Endless Water, deactivated it, and put it in his bag. “So how are we going to get him there? He's heavy as shit. It'll take us weeks to carry him there, months maybe. I don't even know where the fuck we are.”

  Chaz wiped mud from his face. “Maybe the pixies would loan us a boar sled?”

  Cooper shook his head. “Nabi and I are still kinda on shaky ground. I'm not really in a position to be asking favors right now.”

  Take him to the Glade, and my friends will provide you with the requested transportation.

  “Oh, never mind,” said Cooper. “She's cool with it. Thanks, Nabi.” He frowned down at the fat naked dwarf at his feet. “Even getting him that far is going to be a bitch.”

  Chaz sat up. “I've got an idea. Cooper, ask Nabi if any of the other pixies speak Elven.”

  “Nabi, do any –”

  I can read your thoughts. Most of my friends are fluent in the Elven tongue.

  “Yes.”

  “Thank the gods,” said Chaz.

  Cooper glared at him. “What the hell, dude? Do you need help writing a fucking sonnet or something? We've got more immediate shit to deal with right now.”

  Chaz laughed. “Why drag him all the way back to the Glade, when we can get the pixies to bring the sled to us? Come on. Let's go find Ravenus.”

  Chapter 49

  The air elementals led Katherine, Denise, Butterbean, and Basil into a large empty room, possibly a ballroom which the Ice Queen hadn't bothered to make furniture for yet. Katherine was eager to swipe the scepter and put this whole ordeal behind her as quickly as possible, but the effortlessness with which the Ice Queen had incapacitated poor Randy gave her pause.

  “Aaaaaaaaaah” was the only sound Randy was able to make with his mouth frozen open as he slid past them and hit the wall opposite the entrance. Unfortunately, his icy encasement failed to shatter.

  They weren't completely screwed just yet; they still had all their belongings, and the entrance didn't have a door. All they needed was to either break Randy out of the ice or stuff him in the Bag of Holding, somehow distract or defeat the air elementals guarding the entrance, and make a break for it before the Ice Queen –

  “Make yourselves at home,” said the Ice Queen, now standing in the doorway.

  Shit.

  She pointed her scepter at the two corners of the far wall, and a two-foot cube of ice rose out of the icy floor in each corner. “Please, have a seat.”

  “I'll stand, thanks,” said Katherine in a useless display of defiance. It proved even more useless when the air elementals swarmed back into the room and got all up in her face. “Fine, I'll sit.” She led Butterbean to the left corner and sat on the big ice cube.

  Denise took a seat on the cube in the opposite corner. Randy lay frozen between them. Poor Basil had no idea what was going on. He walked face first into the right wall and groaned.

  The Ice Queen raised her scepter in her left hand and spread the fingers on her right hand wide at the ceiling. The Eye of Rasha glowed bright blue as icicles grew long and thin all the way to the floor, forming the bars of four cells. Three of them running the width of the entire back wall, separating Katherine and Butterbean from Randy, and Randy from Denise. Denise's cell was larger, running down half the length of the right wall. Basil's took up the other half.

  Katherine really wanted to talk some trash, but she held her tongue. The sooner that frosty bitch left, the sooner she and Denise could break these weak-ass icicle bars.

  “Search them,” said the Ice Queen.
“Relieve them of all their belongings but the clothes on their backs.”

  The air elementals moved in fast. Katherine flailed her arms while Butterbean barked and growled. The whirlwind engulfed her. It flowed in and out of her cloak, against her bare skin underneath.

  “Hey!” said Katherine. “That is not cool.”

  “You like what you feel, big boy?” Denise was clearly having a better time with her frisking. “Get on up in there. Gimme some of that windy wang.”

  Even worse than getting molested by a tornado, Katherine saw her Bag of Holding swirling around her, along with most of her hope of getting an upper hand in the situation.

  The elemental disengaged and passed between the cell bars with her bag. Denise's axe, bag, and dignity were likewise flowing between the bars of her cell.

  The Ice Queen snapped her fingers, shattering Randy's icy encasement, then sent in an elemental to clean up the fragments and steal all his shit. He was shivering too hard to put up any resistance.

  “That's my bag!” said Katherine. She immediately regretted it when the Ice Queen smiled at her. Katherine was showing weakness, and she was eating it up.

  “Not anymore. A Bag of Holding will come in handy for my mining operation, but I'm much more curious about you. They say you can learn a lot about a woman by examining what she carries on her person.”

  Katherine thought of all the emaciated rat carcasses. The Ice Queen was about to learn some fucked-up shit about her.

  There were so many things she wanted to shout as the Ice Queen started walking away. She considered pleading, reasoning, bargaining, or lashing out with some choice profanity-laden insults, but she knew nothing she said would change her situation, and Katherine didn't want to give her anymore satisfaction than she already had.

  Once the Ice Queen was gone, Katherine tried to be optimistic. She'd known she was in over her head from the get-go. She'd met harder challenges than this along the way. Like Randy said, she'd become captain of her own goddamn boat when all she'd needed was a ride. Now all that stood between her and the Eye of Rasha were a couple of icicles, each of them only a couple of inches thick at the bottom. She didn't need a black belt in Kung Fu to break through this piss poor effort to contain her.