Zombies in the House

by Zombies in the House

  ‘Um, I was just going to say that what we really needed was an insider at the hospital. Someone who could pretend to be sick or injured, but who’d really be working for us, snooping about and collecting clues.’

  Everyone looked down at Inchy again.

  ‘Well,’ said Spit, ‘looks like there won’t be any need to pretend.’

  7

  Laid Up

  ‘Casualty report!’ barked Tabbris as he limped into the ward, his cane tapping.

  The gang looked up from their places at Inchy’s bedside. The old angel’s face was flinty. It certainly didn’t make them feel any better. Cherry got to her feet.

  ‘Inchy’s got a broken leg, sir,’ she grimaced.

  ‘It’s my fault,’ said House morosely. ‘I shouldn’t have tackled him so hard.’

  ‘It was an accident,’ said Inchy, hoping to smooth things over. ‘I had the ball. It was a fair challenge. I was just unlucky.’

  ‘And I shouldn’t have shouted,’ added Alex. ‘It distracted everyone at just the wrong moment.’

  ‘Does it hurt?’ asked House, staring at Inchy’s enormous plaster cast, which looked almost as big as he was.

  ‘Hurt? No,’ replied Inchy sarcastically. ‘Broken bones never hurt. To be honest, I think humans just break them for a laugh because it’s so much fun. In fact, while you’re here, shall we snap my other leg?’

  Tabbris frowned. ‘Is this kind of injury often sustained while playing this silly game?’

  ‘It’s very, very rare,’ said Cherry desperately, seeing their footie privileges slipping away. ‘Honestly. This hardly ever happens, to anyone.’

  ‘Unless House is playing,’ murmured Spit, thankfully too quietly for Tabbris to hear.

  Alex gave Spit a fierce stare.

  ‘Well,’ said Tabbris with a sniff, ‘it doesn’t look too bad to me. I remember one mission where I crawled home with two broken arms and a torn wing. I was back on patrol within the month!’ He fixed Inchy with a beady stare. ‘Cod liver oil and cold baths twice a day, that’s what you need. No good malingering in hospital for weeks.’

  Cherry leaned over to Spit. ‘It’s a good job that the hospital treatments are more up to date than Tabbris’s.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Spit. ‘If he’d been there when it happened, he’d probably have told Inchy to get up and run it off!’

  Alex turned to Tabbris. ‘The doctors want Inchy to stay in for at least a couple of days.’

  Tabbris snorted. ‘These medical chaps always think they know best. Still, I suppose we don’t want to attract unwanted attention, so Inchy had better stay here for now.’ He stood to his full height. ‘Chin up, Inchy. I’ll order in plenty of cod liver oil for when you come home.’

  Inchy turned slightly green.

  ‘The rest of you will assemble at reception in precisely five minutes.’ And with that, Tabbris marched out of the ward.

  Alex broke the stunned silence. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘we haven’t got much time, but we’re all really sorry. We brought you these.’

  House handed Inchy a brown paper bag. Inchy took it and looked inside.

  ‘A bag of stalks?’ he said, confused.

  ‘They’re grapes,’ replied Cherry, snatching the bag back. She fixed House with a withering glare. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve eaten them?’

  House shrugged sheepishly.

  ‘Well they were grapes,’ said Cherry. ‘I can’t believe you. First you break Inchy’s leg, then you eat his grapes.’

  ‘They were delicious, though,’ said House.

  ‘That makes me feel so much better,’ huffed Inchy. ‘But now that I’m here, I guess I should make myself useful, shouldn’t I? It’s not like I’m restricted to visiting hours any more.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ replied Alex. ‘You’ll have to be very careful. We still don’t know what might be lurking around.’

  ‘I survived a head‐on collision with House,’ sighed Inchy. ‘Whatever’s going on in this hospital, it can’t be more dangerous than that!’

  House had the good grace to look embarrassed.

  ‘OK, then, here’s the plan,’ said Alex, turning to the gang conspiratorially. ‘Inchy will find out what he can about what’s going on in the hospital. Why everyone loves that radio show so much, why the food’s so rubbish, that kind of thing. The rest of us,’ he continued, ‘will check up on whether Mr Kowalski might have gone home, and also investigate Aubrey Adonis. Agreed?’ Everyone nodded. ‘Right. Then we’d better be off. We’ll meet here again tomorrow at visiting time.’

  Inchy had barely had time to wave goodbye to the rest of the gang as they bundled out of the ward when the boy in the opposite bed hopped down and came over to him.

  ‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I’m Jim. You’re Inchy, aren’t you?’

  Inchy nodded.

  ‘I heard your friends call you that. Doesn’t seem very fair to be called that just because you’re small.’

  Inchy smiled. ‘Doesn’t bother me,’ he said. ‘My brain’s bigger than all of theirs put together!’

  Jim laughed and sat down on a chair at the side of Inchy’s bed.

  ‘What are you in for?’ asked Inchy.

  ‘Armed robbery,’ said Jim.

  Inchy looked startled.

  ‘Only joking!’ sniggered Jim. ‘It’s ingrowing toenails. Not very fancy, really. Doesn’t impress the girls or anything. What about you?’

  Inchy pulled back his sheet.

  ‘Wow! That’s awesome!’ said Jim, staring wide‐eyed at the huge cast on Inchy’s leg.

  ‘No, it’s not, it’s painful,’ winced Inchy.

  ‘How did you do it?’

  ‘House fell on me.’

  Jim’s jaw dropped. ‘A house fell on you? What happened? How did you get out? Did you have to be rescued?’

  Inchy smiled. ‘Actually, it was a footie accident,’ he said. ‘My friend came in too hard with a tackle. His name’s Big House – he was the one who was just here.’

  Jim caught the football reference. ‘Who do you support?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Which team? I’m a Man U fan.’

  Inchy opened his mouth, but before he could speak the other boy dashed back to his own bed, returning a moment later with a large album filled with stickers.

  ‘Check this out,’ he said, flicking through pages of players all standing proud. ‘I’ve nearly collected the lot. Cool or what?’

  Inchy gazed down into a sea of faces. He’d seen a few on television now and again, but he certainly couldn’t put names to any of them. Except one.

  ‘Is that Beckham?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Jim. ‘All the ones on this page have been captains. Becks doesn’t play for us any more, though. He’s amazing, isn’t he?’

  As Jim continued to sing Beckham’s praises, Inchy did his best to nod in all the right places, as if he knew what Jim was talking about. This was one of the problems with being an angel on Earth – he didn’t know that much about Earth football teams, but he couldn’t really explain that to Jim.

  Inchy suddenly realized that Jim had stopped talking and was looking at him expectantly.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I said, “Have you listened to Brain Dead yet?”’

  ‘Brain Dead?’ said Inchy, pretending he didn’t know about it. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It’s a show on the hospital radio. Aubrey Adonis is the host. You’re going to love it!’ said Jim. ‘It’s awesome! Like medicine or something. When I got here, my feet were killing me. They put me on painkillers and stuff, but listening to Brain Dead seems to make everything so much better. Does that sound weird?’

  ‘I guess not,’ said Inchy, wary at the mention of the creepy DJ. ‘Music always makes me feel better about stuff.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s what it’s like,’ said Jim. ‘Adonis is amazing!’

  As if on cue, a nurse burst into the ward. She did a quick rustle‐tussle with her pompoms, then lifted up a huge board with the words Brai
n Dead in Five Minutes! printed on it.

  ‘Remember, everyone,’ she said, smiling broadly, ‘tune into the fun and tune out of the pain!’

  Inchy expected the nurse to disappear again, but instead she came over to his bed.

  ‘And I’ve got a special announcement for you, you lucky little boy!’ The nurse’s eyes gleamed manically as she turned to the rest of the ward so they could all hear. ‘Aubrey Adonis is coming to pay you a special visit – because he loves to welcome his new listeners in person!’

  ‘Wow!’ said Jim. ‘A visit from Adonis! How lucky are we?’

  ‘Er… I don’t know,’ said Inchy. ‘Very?’

  ‘You bet!’ said Jim, standing up. ‘Adonis is so cool. And he’s visiting you!’

  At that very moment, the doors to the ward were flung open and in strode Adonis, flanked by another pair of cheerleader nurses. The ward went nuts. An old man in the corner whooped so loudly his teeth fell out. A younger man with long hair and rather too many tattoos spun on his crutches.

  Adonis waved lazily before perching on the side of Inchy’s bed. Then he reached up and removed his silver‐rimmed, mirror‐lensed sunglasses.

  ‘So, Inchy, how are you?’

  Inchy didn’t know if he was imagining things, but it sounded almost as though Adonis was on the edge of tears. He stared at the huge man sitting next to him. Around his neck hung so many gold chains it was like his head sat on top of a metal altar. His fingers were barely visible beneath dozens of rings. Inchy opened his mouth to speak, but no words came to his rescue.

  ‘I know, I know,’ said Adonis, placing a heavy hand on Inchy’s shoulder. ‘Being in hospital isn’t easy. It’s so very hard. But…’ Adonis paused, almost as if he was trying to build up the tension in the ward, ‘… it’s like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It has a long struggle to get free from its cocoon, but when it does, it becomes so beautiful.’

  Inchy obviously looked confused because Adonis turned back to him and said, ‘It’s through such pain as yours that something beautiful can be born, Inchy.’

  Inchy didn’t have the faintest idea what Adonis was talking about. There was nothing beautiful about this hospital.

  Adonis spoke again. ‘Anyway, I’m here to help,’ he said, squeezing Inchy’s shoulder. ‘It’s my role in this life to bring comfort to people. I only wish I could do it better.’

  ‘Er, I want to help people too,’ chirped Jim suddenly.

  ‘You know,’ said Adonis, gazing across to Jim, ‘that is the most heart‐warming thing I’ve heard all day. You are a brave young man, Jim. Ever so brave.’

  ‘Thank you!’ said Jim, almost shaking with excitement.

  ‘And you know,’ said Adonis, ‘I can see you helping people. Lots of people. In fact, I can see you helping me with something very important. Would you like that?’

  Jim’s face was a picture of star‐struck excitement. ‘Yes!’ he cried. ‘Anything!’

  ‘Thank you,’ whispered Adonis, staring at Jim with wide eyes. ‘You’ll be perfect.’

  ‘So what do you want me to do?’

  ‘Don’t you worry about that at the moment,’ said Adonis. ‘Rest now and I’ll tell you when the time comes.’

  Jim tucked himself into bed, obviously keen to get the resting out of the way as quickly as possible.

  ‘Here,’ said Adonis, handing Inchy a little silk bag. ‘I’d like you to have these.’

  Inchy opened the bag to find a pair of Brain Dead earphones.

  ‘I, er, thanks –’ started Inchy, but Adonis was already at the door. He paused, then flashed the ward a peace sign.

  ‘My friends… Enjoy the show!’

  And with that, he was gone.

  ‘He’s just so amazing, don’t you think?’ said Jim with a sigh. ‘You’d better plug those headphones in – the show starts any second!’

  Inchy didn’t know what to think. Jim had seemed pretty normal at first, but now he sounded like he’d be willing to run over hot coals for the hospital DJ. Surely that was a bit odd?

  As for Adonis himself… well, he certainly looked strange, but he had sounded sincere about wanting to help people. Hadn’t they been taught at Cloud Nine Academy that it was wrong to judge someone on their appearance? What if the gang was wrong about Adonis?

  Inchy shook his head. There was too much to think about. For now, the best he could do was to listen to Brain Dead and see what all the fuss was about. He plugged in his earphones. It was only a radio show, after all; what possible harm could it do?

  All at once, music filled his head. It was lovely – peaceful and relaxing, like a nice warm bed. Suddenly, Inchy’s eyelids felt heavy, like thick gold chains were attached to his eyelashes, weighing them down. The last thing he heard was a strangely familiar voice crooning softly into his ear, whispering soothing words. Then gentle darkness took him and Inchy slipped into a dreamless sleep.

  8

  Mission Impractical

  The morning after Inchy’s accident, the gang assembled to work out their next move. There was a mood of quiet determination around the breakfast table. House was even paying more attention to Alex than to the contents of his plate.

  ‘Right, here’s the plan –’ began Alex.

  But before he could finish, Alex was interrupted by the appearance of Tabbris in the kitchen doorway.

  ‘What’s going on here? Is something wrong with my porridge?’ asked Tabbris, noticing the still‐full bowls that had been pushed aside. ‘Ah! Not enough salt, that’ll be it. You should’ve said! I’ll put another spoonful in tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh no, it’s not that,’ said Cherry hurriedly. ‘We’re just not very hungry.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ sniffed Tabbris. ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Don’t forget that an army marches on its stomach – I remember having to tell old Napoleon the same thing. Why don’t you have some toast instead?’

  Smiling her most innocent smile, Cherry plucked a piece of cold toast from the wire rack in the middle of the table. The gang knew from experience that the quicker they did as they were told, the sooner Tabbris would go away.

  But this time, Tabbris didn’t go away. He stood bolt upright at the head of the table.

  ‘I want to talk to you seriously,’ he announced.

  The gang held their breath. Did Tabbris know they’d been snooping around the hospital outside visiting hours?

  ‘I’ve been keeping a close eye on you over the past few days,’ said Tabbris, ‘and I think you should all know… I’m very impressed with your behaviour.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  Alex couldn’t believe his ears! Was it possible that the old angel hadn’t rumbled them, after all?

  ‘You seem to be making progress,’ continued Tabbris doubtfully, almost as if he couldn’t quite believe it himself. ‘You’re taking your community service seriously and working together as a unit. This can’t be ignored.’ Tabbris paused. ‘I’m pleased to tell you that I will be sending a good report back to Gabriel this week.’

  No one in the gang knew what to say. Having expected a telling‐off, they were doubly stunned by this sudden good news.

  Finally, Alex stepped in. ‘Thank you, sir. We are trying our hardest to be good.’

  ‘We really are,’ added Cherry in support. ‘We want to get back to Heaven as soon as possible so we can become real angels.’

  ‘Quite right too,’ said Tabbris, crossing to the door. ‘But there’s no room for slacking now. Carry on!’

  As soon as he was gone, the gang let out a collective sigh of relief.

  ‘I was sure he was on to us,’ said Cherry.

  ‘Me too,’ moaned House. ‘I was so nervous my knees were practically knocking.’

  ‘But he’s not,’ beamed Alex. ‘He doesn’t have a clue. So Operation Adonis can proceed as planned!’

  ‘Hold on,’ said Spit. ‘Tabbris may not know what we’re up to, but what he just said changes things, doesn’t it? I mean, if he sends a good
report to Gabriel, we could be back home by next week. We don’t want to mess that up.’

  ‘We won’t be messing it up!’ said Alex. ‘We’d be doing what we’re supposed to do as angels – protecting humans from demonic activity.’

  ‘But we still don’t know for sure that there is any demonic activity at the hospital,’ replied Cherry. ‘And it’s not our job to protect humans yet – we’re not qualified angels. And I want to go home. Now. Sooner if possible. I miss the Academy and our other friends. And I miss having my wings – I even miss lessons.’

  ‘And I miss those wonderful syrup sponge puddings they serve on Sundays,’ sighed House. ‘So light and fluffy!’

  Spit nodded. ‘I mean, what exactly do you expect to find, Alex? Is it really worth risking the best chance we’ve had of getting home?’

  ‘Well, we won’t know that until we find out what we’re dealing with, will we?’ said Alex frustratedly.

  ‘But imagine if there turns out to be nothing demonic at the hospital and we get caught snooping around,’ protested Spit. ‘There’s no way we’ll ever get back to Heaven then. Tabbris will have us on double chores forever!’

  ‘And that would be rubbish,’ finished Cherry.

  ‘I know!’ hissed Alex. ‘But we can’t sit by and do nothing. We got into trouble for fighting Dante, but if we hadn’t done it, then that demon egg would have hatched and Green Hill would have been overrun by evil demons.’

  ‘Exactly,’ agreed House loyally. ‘Imagine if we don’t do anything now and then something like that happens at the hospital. It would be awful.’

  A heavy silence hung over the table as everyone imagined what might happen if their worst fears were realized. Finally, Spit sighed.

  ‘Well, at least Inchy will have some company if we all get beaten up by demons.’

  Cherry gave Spit a look. ‘And I guess there’s no real harm in doing a bit of investigating,’ she shrugged. ‘So I’ll try to find out if Mr Kowalski has really disappeared or whether he’s sitting happily at home in front of the telly.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ said House protectively.

  ‘I can look after myself,’ Cherry shot back. ‘Just because I’m a girl, it doesn’t mean I’m weak and feeble.’