Someone to Love Me

by Anne Schraff

  Cindy stared at the clown. Right about now, she figured Mom and Raffie were in Las Vegas strolling down some flashy street, seeing a hotel made to look like New York or Egypt or something. Cindy pictured Raffie, swaggering along with his ugly gold chains, his gold bracelets, and his awful leather pants. The thought that Raffie might possibly become her stepfather knotted Cindy’s stomach.

  She leaned towards the coffee table and picked up the clown. Its face was contorted into an ugly smirk that reminded her of Raffie. Cindy imagined how good it would feel to hold it over her head and smash it down on the floor, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Her eyes moved to the small card taped to the base of the clown—

  To my number one lady, Lori, from Ramblin’ Raffie.

  Cindy’s hands trembled as she set the clown back down. Someday when she knew for sure that her mother did not love her, she would smash it. All that kept her from hurling the clown onto the floor was the fading hope that Mom still cared about her.

  Would she be happier without me? Cindy asked herself. Then Mom would be free to spend all her time with Raffie. Is that what she really wants? Cindy did not know what she would do if her fears were true, if her mother did not love her.

  She stared at the clown again. It appeared to grin back at her with a wicked, mocking smile.

  “Please, Mom, come home,” she said softly over and over, finally falling asleep on the lumpy old couch.

  Amberlynn called early Saturday morning. “Cindy, you won’t believe the lie Natalie Wallace is telling people. She said you went out on a date with her brother, Bobby. ”

  “We just went out for ice cream, that’s all,” Cindy said. “It wasn’t a date. ”

  “So, you were in his car?” Amberlynn demanded.

  “Yeah. So what?” Cindy shot back. “You make it sound like it’s a big deal. ”

  “It is a big deal, Cindy. You know what he did to Jamee,” Amberlynn cried. “I just can’t believe you’d even give him the time of day after all that happened last year. Think of how upset Jamee’s gonna be when she hears about this. ”

  “What’s she gonna be upset about?” Cindy replied. “She dumped Bobby a long time ago. ”

  “Have you forgotten why?” Amberlynn asked, her voice rising to a high pitch. “You were there, Cindy! You remember what he did to her! I can’t believe you would even—”

  “Amberlynn, all that stuff’s in the past,” Cindy responded with a dramatic sigh. “Just let it go. ”

  “Let it go?!” Amberlynn exclaimed. “Bobby Wallace beat up one of our best friends and almost ruined her life. How am I supposed to let that go? And how can you ride around with him like nothing ever happened?”

  “He’s changed,” Cindy said. “Bobby admitted he did bad things, but he’s different now. Like your brother, Roylin. He’s changed, hasn’t he?”

  “Cindy, that’s different. Roylin may have gotten into trouble a few times, but he never hung out with drug dealers, and he never beat on no girls either,” Amberlynn said.

  “Well, I think you need to mind your own business,” Cindy snapped. “That’s what I think. ”

  “Girl, you don’t have to talk like that to me,” Amberlynn responded. “I’m just lookin’ out for you, okay?”

  “Well, I can look out for myself. Anyway, I gotta go now,” Cindy said. “Mom’s here. ” Cindy was lying, but she did not want to listen to more lecturing about Bobby Wallace. Bobby was the one reason Cindy was not totally depressed about being left alone for the entire weekend. She was not about to let Amberlynn take that away.

  Cindy still could not believe how nice Bobby had been to her yesterday. Could he actually like me? she wondered. She decided to head over to Bluford to watch the Buccaneers at football practice. She knew Bobby would be there.

  Cindy ran to her bedroom and looked for something nice to wear. She chose a pair of snug jeans and a clingy navy blue v-neck T-shirt. Bobby will like me in this, she thought. She quickly got dressed and headed over to Bluford, hoping to catch Bobby’s eye.

  When Cindy reached the football field, the team was in a huddle. She searched to find Bobby but did not see him right away. Then, when she saw the name WALLACE on the back of a jersey, her heart started pounding.

  Cindy stepped onto the bleachers, hoping to get a spot where Bobby would notice her. A small crowd of spectators was gathered on the bleachers. Cindy spotted Natalie Wallace waving in her direction.

  “Hi,” Natalie called out. “How you doin’, Cindy?”

  “Okay,” Cindy called back. Natalie had never talked to her before. But maybe now that Cindy and Bobby were friends, things would be different. Cindy walked over to where Natalie was sitting and joined her. She always thought Natalie was one of the prettiest girls at Bluford.

  “I like to watch my brother show off,” Natalie said with a smile. Cindy could not believe that Natalie was talking to her, let alone allowing her to sit beside her on the bleachers. “You here to do the same thing?” she asked with a playful grin. “Maybe,” Cindy replied, unsure what else to say.

  “Yep, my brother sure moves fast,” Natalie said, getting up from her seat. Practice was over, and Cindy was left wondering whether she was referring to her brother on the football field or in some other way.

  Cindy watched as the team left the field. She hoped Bobby had seen her in the bleachers. She just had to see him. Unsure what else to do, she decided to wait for him in the parking lot. After a few minutes, Bobby came out of the school and headed towards his car.

  “You looked great, Bobby,” Cindy said as he approached. “No wonder everybody says you’re gonna be a big football star. ”

  “Hey, you came to watch me practice?” Bobby replied with a look of pleasant surprise. “You’re okay, girl. Come on, let’s go grab something to eat. ”

  Beaming, Cindy hurried towards the passenger door. She couldn’t wait to talk to him. “They’re having a special at Niko’s Pizza Place, two slices for the price of—”

  “I don’t like that place,” Bobby interjected. “Too many lame fools hang out there. There’s a Chinese takeout place I like. Let’s go there. ”

  When Cindy got in the car, she turned to Bobby and said, “Guess what happened yesterday? Ms. Abbott chose me as an artist for the Bluford Bugler. I just found out—”

  “Really?” Bobby said. “You go to most of the football games, Cindy?”

  “Sometimes,” Cindy answered.

  “Well now that we’re tight, you gotta come to all the games,” Bobby insisted. “From now on, I’m gonna look for you whenever I’m on the field. Never mind those cheerleaders. Last time I seen so many dogs was at the pound!” Bobby joked.

  “So Mr. Mitchell told me about the newspaper opening on Friday and—”

  “Hey, Cindy, were you at last year’s game against Lincoln? That was one of my best games. ”

  “No. I haven’t been to that many games. ”

  “Well, you gotta come to every one from now on, Cindy. That’s an order,” Bobby said with a smile.

  Cindy smiled back, slightly disappointed that Bobby did not give her a chance to share her good news with him. Bobby pulled his Nissan into the parking lot of the Chinese takeout. “Do they have sweet and sour chicken?” Cindy asked. “That’s my favorite. I always get that. ”

  “Yeah, but the orange chicken is what you want, that’s the best,” Bobby said as they entered the restaurant. Then he ordered two orange chicken dishes for them. He looked at Cindy and smiled. She smiled back at him weakly. Bobby certainly wanted things his way, she thought. But it was only food, and it felt nice to have him order for her.

  “That sounds good,” Cindy responded. “I can’t wait to try it. ”

  “Stick with me, girl,” Bobby said. “I know where everything’s happenin’. I got friends at all the cool places, and I know how to have fun. Trust me,” Bobby said. “Hey, what time you gotta be home, Cinderella?”

  Cindy smiled. Nobody had ever called her “Cinderella” before.
It made her feel special, even beautiful. For once, her name did not sound so ugly. Cindy was so delighted by the nickname that she decided to tell Bobby the truth. “Mom’s gonna be gone all day. I don’t have to be home early,” she said.

  “For real?” Bobby said with a glimmer in his eyes. “Then let’s have some fun. ”

  After lunch, Bobby drove to an old rowhome in a rundown part of town where some of his older friends lived. “Don’t let the looks of the place throw you. Nothing bad happens here,” Bobby explained. “This is where we come to chill out—you know, listen to some music, dance, smoke a little weed. ”

  Cindy grew a little nervous. She had smoked marijuana once in middle school with Jamee and some others. Though a few kids seemed to enjoy it, marijuana only made Cindy feel hazy and numb. Weed was a small deal compared to other drugs. Last year one of her classmates overdosed on heroin and almost died. Ever since, Cindy stayed far away from all drugs.

  As she walked up the stairs to the house, Cindy felt her heart start to pound. She worried that kids would be doing drugs and would pressure her to do them too. If Bobby smoked weed, would she have to do it too? If she said “no” the way teachers always instructed, would he take her back home and never speak to her again?

  Bobby led her into a tiny room where sheets hung in front of the windows as makeshift curtains. Against the far wall was a rumpled, stained sofa the color of a green beer bottle. “Have a seat, beautiful,” he said, gesturing towards the sofa. “I’ll be right back. ” He smiled before disappearing into another room. Cindy was comforted by his friendly words.

  Bobby returned carrying a bottle of wine in one hand and two plastic cups in the other. “You drink wine, don’t you?” he asked with a wide smile.

  “Sure,” Cindy said. It was true she had tasted wine a few times at family meals, but she never liked it. Bobby opened the bottle and filled Cindy’s cup.

  Cindy sipped the red wine slowly. She did not like its sharp acid taste, but she pretended to enjoy it. She knew drinking was dangerous, especially around people you don’t know too well. But she wanted Bobby to think she was cool. Reluctantly, she took another tiny sip of the wine.

  “You scared your mom’ll get on your case if she finds out you were drinkin’?” Bobby asked.

  “No, she don’t care what I do,” Cindy replied bluntly. “She ain’t never around much anyway, so I basically do whatever I want. ” As she spoke, Cindy wondered where her mother was at the moment and whether she would get mad if she found out Cindy was in a strange house drinking wine with a boy. Cindy liked the fact that she was doing something that would upset Mom. In some small way, she was getting back at her for going to Vegas. Cindy grabbed the cup and took another sip.

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” Bobby said. “My old man, he’s got lung trouble. He sits around all day sucking up oxygen. One of those tanks, you know? That and yelling for Mom to wait on him. Mom’s so busy doing for him and working downtown, cleaning bathrooms, she got no time to ride hard on me and Nat. That’s what Mom does. Cleans johns. ” Bobby laughed bitterly, staring at the wine bottle as he spoke. “Know what, babe? I’m gonna get me some real money one of these days. Not chump change like they pay down at the car wash. Then Mom won’t be cleanin’ no toilets. ”

  Cindy respected what Bobby said. Although she felt uncomfortable being in the house, she liked being with him. He made her feel important because he trusted her so much. The more he spoke, the closer she felt to him.

  “My old man,” Bobby continued, “he was a mean old cuss in his younger days. I remember him coming in the house and wanting food on the table, like right now. When Mom didn’t hop to it, she got it right in the mouth. She don’t hold it against him, though. ” Bobby shook his head. “Ain’t that something? She still takin’ care of him today, no matter how mean he treats her. Girls today aren’t like that. You get a little mean ’cause you’re having a bad day, and they just walk out on you. Girls today don’t know nothin’ about loyalty. ” Bobby smiled at Cindy and rubbed her cheek gently with the back of his hand. “But you ain’t that kind of girl. I can tell. ”

  Just then, Cindy heard the footsteps and voices of other people. She grabbed hold of Bobby’s arm. “Did you hear that?” she asked fearfully. “There’s somebody else here. ”

  “Calm down, girl. Let’s go see who it is,” Bobby said, rising to his feet.

  “But, it could be trouble. Maybe we should leave,” Cindy said nervously.

  “Ain’t no trouble I can’t handle,” Bobby replied.

  The voices were coming from the basement. Cindy didn’t want to go down there, but Bobby did. She was not about to be left alone in that strange place, so she followed him.

  “Relax, you’re in good hands,” he assured her.

  Cindy wanted to believe him, but she just didn’t feel safe in the old house. She wished she and Bobby were someplace else, like walking along a beautiful beach. She imagined him with his arm around her, and how nice it would be to get away from the city. But her visions were shattered by the reality in front of her—that she and Bobby were heading towards a group of strangers in an unfamiliar basement.

  Chapter 5

  The large basement of the house was already clouded with cigarette and marijuana smoke. On a far wall, the words “No Exit” were spray-painted in red, black and silver letters the size of house windows. Breathing in the pungent smoke, Cindy started to cough. Holding her hand, Bobby led her into the room.

  “It’s all right,” he whispered. “I won’t let nothin’ happen to you. ”

  Cindy squinted and noticed two blurry figures sitting close together. As she and Bobby moved further into the room, someone turned on thumping rap music that made conversation almost impossible. As Cindy watched, the two guys in the corner began heating heroin with a lit match. She had heard about people doing that, but she had never seen it. One of the boys rolled up his sleeve, and the other guy wrapped a belt around the first guy’s arm. Cindy watched in horror as the one guy plunged a needle into the other’s forearm, and his veins jumped out like fat wet noodles.

  “What’s up, Bobby?” said the guy holding the needle.

  Cindy was bothered that Bobby knew such a person. She wondered how close they were. Although Bobby didn’t answer the guy, he did nod at him in recognition.

  “That’s Omar, and the guy next to him is T-Bone,” Bobby whispered.

  “Bobby, let’s get out of here,” Cindy pleaded.

  Omar shot himself up and was soon spaced out as well. The drugs seemed to sweep over the young men in waves. For a second, they seemed normal, and then abruptly their eyes snapped shut, their knees trembled, and drool snaked down their chins. Cindy felt like she might throw up.

  “I hate this place, Bobby. I want to go, now!” Cindy demanded. She did not care what Bobby thought of her. She just wanted to get out of the house.

  Bobby took her hand and led her out the front door. Taking a deep breath of fresh air, Cindy was grateful to be outside again, but she was shaken by what she had just seen. She glanced over at Bobby. He was watching her.

  “How do you know those guys?” she asked.

  “Oh, they both used to go to Bluford,” he said. “Omar and T-Bone used to play football back in the day. Then they got hooked on drugs. ”

  “That’s too bad,” she replied, still unsettled by her experience.

  “Some people get strung out,” Bobby added, “but not me. They’re junkies, but I ain’t about that. I used to get high on weekends, but it was never on the heavy stuff. ”

  “I’m glad,” Cindy said. She appreciated his honesty. But in her mind, she kept seeing the look on the boys’ faces as the drugs rushed into their bodies.

  “You ever shoot up, Cindy?” he asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

  “No!” Cindy exclaimed. She was embarrassed at how loud her response was, but she could not hide how uncomfortable she felt. She was certain Bobby thought she was naive and stupid, the kind of girl that
guys like him were never interested in. “Look, Bobby, I’m sorry. But can we just get outta here?” she pleaded.

  “Sure,” he said, putting his arm around her.

  As they silently made their way to his car, Cindy was grateful that Bobby did not tease or criticize her for the way she acted. Even if he did know the guys in the basement, he was nothing like them.

  “You’re a lot nicer than some kids been saying, Bobby,” Cindy said.

  “What’ve I been trying to tell you? I ain’t a bad guy, Cindy,” Bobby declared as he started the car.

  After pulling in front of Cindy’s apartment, Bobby caressed her cheek and said, “Maybe I’m goin’ a little too fast, huh? I do that sometimes when I really like somebody. I don’t want to push you. I know we ain’t been tight all that long, but I want you to have something. ” Bobby pulled a jacket from the back seat and put it around Cindy’s shoulders.

  “Your varsity jacket!” Cindy gasped. She could not believe what was happening. This makes it official, Cindy thought. If she wore the jacket to Bluford, everyone in the school would know she really was Bobby Wallace’s girl. “Are you serious?” she asked, unable to contain her excitement.

  “I want you to wear it, Cindy,” Bobby said. “Because you’re special to me. ”

  “Oh Bobby, thank you!” Cindy screamed and kissed him on the lips. When she got out of his car, she turned and looked at him, unable to stop herself from smiling.

  “I’ll see you in school on Monday,” he said. Cindy waved as he drove off.

  When Cindy reached her apartment door, Rose Davis stepped out into the hallway. “Praise the Lord! You all right, child?” she asked.

  “Sure, I’m fine,” Cindy said. “Why?”

  “Child, you been gone all day. I knocked on your door and there was nobody home. Where’s your momma?”

  Cindy had not expected Mrs. Davis to be so concerned about her. “Mom’s on a . . . a business trip,” Cindy lied.