by Mia Ashlinn
This is not fear. This is guilt.
“Are you looking for me?” Landon’s deep voice asked her from behind.
Startled, Katie-Anne whirled around, moving so quickly she saw stars. The whole world spun madly, and she felt as though she was riding a Tilt-A-Whirl when she caught sight of Landon leaning against the wall.
Landon rushed forward and grabbed onto her with a gentle hand, steadying her before she tipped over. “Easy there, kitten.” Lowering his head so that their faces were even, he said, “I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?”
“Oh, yeah,” she responded with feigned nonchalance. “I’m fine.”
Landon looked at her even closer, appearing to assess her physical and emotional well-being. When he smiled, she knew that he’d found whatever he’d been searching for. “Okay. Why don’t we head inside?”
That’s when she noticed that he had a couple of cups and a Sweet Spot bag in one arm. Obviously, he’d shoved them there to help steady her. “Oh! Let me help you with that,” she offered but she didn’t give him a chance to be the gentleman and deny her. Before he could stop her, she snatched the drinks and bag from him.
A brilliant smile appeared on his face. “Thank you,” he told her then pecked a kiss to her lips and unlocked the door. Letting them inside, he placed a hand against the small of her back and ushered her down the hallway, drawing her into the dining room. “So, kitten, are you ready to talk to me?”
The way he phrased the question touched her, but not in a pleasant way. It felt as if someone had shot an arrow straight through her heart. With her guilt at an all-time high, she stumbled over to the table and dropped the two Styrofoam cups and paper sack on the table. Then, whirling around, she raced across the room to Landon and threw herself at him.
Obviously prepared, Landon caught her easily, holding her tight to him.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she said over and over in between the tiny kisses she pressed to everywhere her lips could reach—his face, his neck, his chest, his shoulders. Landon shushed her tenderly. He cradled the back of her head, using his fingertips to massage her scalp. With a soft cry, she collapsed into his strength.
“It’s okay,” he told her. “I understand.”
She shook her head without lifting it, her face burrowing into his sweater. “No, it’s not okay.”
He dropped his chin to the top of her head and replied, “Sure it is. We will talk this through, learn from it, then move on. Love doesn’t run, Katie-Anne.” With a kiss to her forehead, he added, “It is a huge step forward that you are here with me now.”
Katie-Anne pulled back just enough to see his loving face. Half-scared to hear his answer, she asked, “So Shane called you?”
Landon nodded. “Yes. He said that you were heading over to talk about something important, but we needed our space for this one. He said that he would be by later.” Pausing, he leaned back far enough that he could snag one of the cups from the table with his long arm. “Plus he wanted me to make sure you had this. He’s worried that you are going to need it.”
Katie-Anne took the cup from Landon. Glancing down, she saw what it was and nearly cried. Rather than go all sappy and emotional, she chose to laugh instead. “A milkshake?”
“Yeah,” he replied with an easy smile. “It is chocolate with extra whipped cream and no cherries on top. He knew it’s your favorite.”
As a woman, Katie-Anne knew that she should probably be slightly offended that he wanted her to have a high caloric, super fattening drink to soothe her emotions. But that wasn’t what it was. Shane was taking care of her with what she liked, even though he wasn’t there.
Okay, I am going to go all sappy and emotional. Tears sprang to her eyes. Man, pregnancy makes me a hormonal mess. In a thick voice, she asked, “Can we go lie down in your room and talk for a little bit?”
“Your wish is my command.” Sweeping her into his arms, Landon carried her—and her chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream and no cherries—into his bedroom. He lowered her to the floor but didn’t let go of her. “Your clothes are by the bed, and Pretty in Pink is queued in the DVD player, if you need to watch it when we’re done talking.”
Oh, my God. These two are something else.
“Why, thank you, kitten,” Landon said, confusing her until she realized that she’d spoken instead of just thinking.
“Shit. I just said that out loud, didn’t I?”
“Yep,” he replied with a wide grin.
Well hell. If I keep this up, he’s going to know every deep, dark, dirty thought I have about him and Shane. Wait. Is that a bad thing?
“You did it again,” he told her arrogantly. “And no, it’s not a bad thing.
Katie-Anne smacked his arm in a playful gesture, their old camaraderie coming back easily and quickly. “Let me get dressed in my jammies.”
Landon chuckled. “Jammies. I love it.” She always amused him when she called her ratty old sweats jammies. It was silly, and it kind of amused her, too, but he didn’t need to know that.
She attempted to swat him again, but he jumped away, dodging her. “Be back in a few,” he said then vanished from sight.
Sighing, Katie-Anne strolled around the bed they’d spent many hours on, mostly talking and occasionally cuddling. It still amazed her that they’d remained platonic for as long as they had. All those nights, they’d managed to keep their lips and other very naughty parts to themselves.
Before their wedding night, they had refused to push outside of the unwritten boundaries, in fear of hurting Shane. Shit, they’d called off the wedding before Shane’s untimely arrival because they couldn’t bear to betray him like that.
Landon had not been able to say “I do” without Shane. Every time he’d tried, it had stuck in his throat. And, when he’d confessed that to her, she’d whispered that she wouldn’t be able to say those two fateful words either when it was her turn to speak. Then Shane had showed up and everything had went haywire. They’d all fought, and he’d stormed out. Only he’d returned later and, with some pretty words, he’d convinced her to marry him and Landon. The best, and stupidest, thing I’ve ever done. It would have been smart to wait until he’d sobered up a bit. But whoever said I’m intelligent when it comes to those two men? My rationality flies out the window when they’re around.
Katie-Anne sat her drink on the bedside table then picked up her gray sweats from the floor. Dressing slowly, she enjoyed the feeling of comfort that surrounded her soul as the cotton material brushed against her skin. Once she’d finished, she lowered herself to the side of his bed and put her head in her hands. Breathing in and out like the yoga instructor from her DVD had shown her, she attempted to calm her rapidly beating heart. Immediately, she felt better and flopped back on the bed.
Grabbing Landon’s pillowcase, she curled herself around it then sniffed the material, smelling Landon’s spicy scent with a smile. “Ahhh…”
“Comfy?”
Katie-Anne squealed, jumping in fright at Landon’s interruption. Predictably, Landon thought her reaction was hilarious. He bent over, barking one loud laugh then dissolving into a fit of softer ones.
“Jackass,” she grumbled irritably. “Stop that.”
Amazingly, he did what she said—a couple of minutes later. Settling down, Landon crawled onto the bed beside her then pulled her into his body, spooning with her. After several heartbeats of silence, Landon asked, “What were you thinking about?”
“Before or after you scared the daylights out of me?”
“Before,” he responded quietly.
“Oh, I was thinking of our wedding.”
“Interesting,” he remarked but didn’t push her to speak any further. Brushing her hair aside, he ran one finger up and down her skin, working from the bottom of her earlobe to the side of her neck then continued on to her shoulder.
“How is that interesting?” she asked as she cocked her head to the side, silently asking him to nuzzle her neck l
ike they both liked for him to do.
Taking her up on her offer, Landon burrowed his nose into the skin of her neck, and she trembled involuntarily. “It just is,” he whispered against her skin, evoking another tremble from her body. “So what part were you actually thinking of?”
She wanted to say nothing, but that was pointless. She might as well lay it all out there then let the chips fall where they may. She wasn’t exactly worried that he would throw her out of the apartment. The only thing that could happen was her hurting his feelings, and she didn’t like the idea of that one bit.
“I just remembered how we had both called off the wedding only seconds before Shane caught us,” she told him honestly.
“Yeah, that didn’t go over well,” he remarked then pushed a stray strand of hair dark behind her ear.
“No shit.”
Lips brushed the side of her head, his warm breath fanning through the strands of her hair. “I can’t blame him, though. I would have blown a gasket in his shoes.”
“Me, too.”
Landon ran a hand down the length of her hair, stopping at the end to twist a bunch of strands around his large finger. “I think we probably went about it the wrong way.”
“You think?”
Landon released his hold on her hair as he rocked his hips back. Without warning, he dropped his hand to her ass and swatted her left cheek firmly. The feeling vibrated through her ass, making a beeline for her pussy, and a surge of moisture had her juices gathering at her entrance.
Clenching her thighs, she prayed for the strength to remain in control of her body over the next hour or so. They needed to talk more than they needed to fuck, despite what her cunt wanted.
“We wanted to get married, and he didn’t,” Landon said reasonably, resuming playing with her hair. “It just made sense for Deke to arrange a wedding for us.”
“I noticed how Deke had arranged for two unsigned licenses, one for each of you.”
Landon grunted. “That was all Deke, not me. He said that he knew we’d never go through with it because I would never betray Shane and neither would you. He and Adam had hoped Shane would end up with a ring on his finger, which he sort of did.”
“I guess he knows us all well.”
“Yeah.”
A stifling silence lingered in the air, the only noise she heard was the tick-tock of the clock. Focusing her eyes, she noticed that it was only nine in the morning. It felt like it should be nearing nightfall. Since she’d been up since five, she probably wasn’t the best person to guess at the time.
Katie-Anne sighed. Today was going to be the day that never ended. And Katie-Anne didn’t know if that was good thing or a bad one.
Looking away from the clock, Katie-Anne’s gaze settled on the painting beside it. How ironic. It was a TL Jacobsen original. She’d noticed quite a few items throughout their apartment. The thought that they enjoyed her paintings on merit alone made her absolutely giddy, and she wanted to jump up and down while clapping like an enthusiastic child. But that wasn’t in the cards for the time being. She had something to do, if she could just do it.
Suck it up, my dear. Just get on with it.
“Landon,” she breathed, her voice hitching noticeably.
“Yes kitten,” he replied as his hands stalled, no longer toying with her hair.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Start at the beginning,” he suggested as he lowered his hand to the curve of her hip, sweeping his hand up and down in a calming motion.
“My mother was”—she paused to swallow past the giant lump in her throat—“a monster.”
When Landon didn’t say anything, she carried on. “From the time I was born, she hated me. She despised the way I looked, what I thought, and how I acted. I was always too this or too that. And she relished punishing me for it.”
Seeking his strength, she peered over her shoulder and searched for his face. When she found him, she met his blue eyes head-on. “When I was too fat at age ten, she put me on a very special diet. It was called ‘the lock your child up in a closet while you eat filet mignon on the other side of the door and describe it in detail’ diet.”
Landon gasped but didn’t utter a word.
“Once, when I ate two slices of pizza at Jaycee’s eleventh birthday party, she sliced a derogatory word into my skin then locked me in that same closet. She left me there for two days, one day for each slice. She let me out, eventually, but I was on a liquid diet until I lost three pounds which took me almost a week.”
“Holy fuck,” he cursed, his hand stalling on her hip. “What about your dad? What about Gray?”
“She told them that I was staying with my Aunt Caroline,” she explained. “Well, she was my biological mother, but no one really knew that until right before my mother killed her.”
“Holy fuck.”
“Oh, yeah. My mother was a real winner,” she remarked. She reached for his strong hand then clasped it and brought it to her lips for a kiss. It was a fleeting caress, but she found herself comforted by it nonetheless. “My mother’s twin sister, Caroline, was a submissive, and she was in love with my father. See, the two sisters switched places a lot. That way Caroline could see my father. Well, at some point, my mother decided that she wanted a baby but couldn’t bear the thought of gaining weight again like she had with Gray. So she concocted a scheme to switch Caroline’s birth control pills with placebos. As luck would have it, she got pregnant immediately.”
“So Caroline didn’t want a baby?” Landon asked, sounding quiet—even for him.
“No,” Katie-Anne replied. “Caroline wanted me, but my mother blackmailed her with threats to my safety from the day I was born to the day she died. During the week before she died, she used those same threats against my father and brother.”
Remembering what she’d figured her brother and father would do, she laughed maniacally, the sound bordering insane. “I think they were going to kill her. Gray and Cade came home from college, and I truly believe they would have killed her, if she’d been here. But she wasn’t. By then, she was dead.”
Landon blinked several times before responding to her. “What a bitch.”
“My sentiments exactly,” she muttered when her sinister laughs waned.
“So why did she do all of that? You were her child.”
Katie-Anne nodded. “No, I was a plaything to her. She dressed me up and paraded me around. She told me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. She said jump, I asked how high.”
She paused, hating to bring up a sore subject but knowing she needed to. Quickly, she gave herself a pep talk in two sentences like Shannon had taught her. With a steady voice, Katie-Anne delved into dangerous territory. “When I came into the garage all those years ago, Shane told me that I was bred to be like that. He told me that I was pure fluff. To a degree, he was right. So, after that night, I did everything I could to prove him wrong. I just didn’t tell anybody.”
“He was angry,” Landon defended the absent Shane. “He didn’t mean it.”
Katie-Anne shook her head and disagreed, “He did mean it, and I understand now. In some ways, I am grateful that he was honest. It would have been nice, though, if he had been more pleasant about it. You might want to tell him that for future reference.”
“I’ll get right on that,” he told her with a chuckle of his own. “Wait, you said you were proving him wrong. How did you do that?”
Katie-Anne sighed. “It’s a long story,” she said. “It doesn’t really matter anyway. Does it?”
In all honesty, it didn’t matter what she’d done. Yes, a lot of the things made her who she was. Yet it wasn’t important enough to dwell on. Over time, she knew she would tell him but what was the point in going into all of it right now. She just hoped he agreed with that.
“I don’t know,” he responded. “It depends on what it is.”
“I promise that it has no bearing on how I feel about you,” she told him with her whole heart in
her words. “We will discuss it later. I swear, but it isn’t important enough to talk about right now.”
“Okay,” Landon acquiesced. “I still don’t get it. Why treat you so horribly when you were just a child?”
“She couldn’t get me to work right.”
“Excuse me?” he inquired in a steady but deadly voice. His eyes bored into hers, and she felt the urge to squirm under his scrutiny. So she did.
“I was too much like Caroline.”
“Well, damn,” he cursed.
Katie-Anne guided his hand to her waist and placed it there then linked their fingers together. “Caroline was an artist. She painted these beautiful pictures, and she was a free spirit. She didn’t give a damn about money or power. She was just herself. And, God, I loved her for that.”
“I know you are artistic, but are you a painter like Caroline?”
Well, it’s now or never. Or something like that.
Hesitantly, Katie-Anne averted her eyes then nodded. “I’m TL Jacobsen.”
“Holy fuck.”
“Do you have to keep saying that?”
“No.”
“Good,” she clipped out, letting her annoyance shine through. Then everything around them seemed to slow down, and neither of them moved. Everything went silent, except her heart which sped up in her chest, the beat so loud she heard it pounding in her ears.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone you were TL?”
She’d expected him to ask that question, but she still didn’t know exactly how to explain it to anyone. Taking a deep breath, she followed her instincts and let her mouth move without her mind dominating what she said. “I didn’t tell anyone because it was mine. I didn’t have to deal with people knowing me or recognizing me.”
“That makes sense.”
“You are taking this awfully well.”
Landon smiled sweetly. “Kitten, I have weighed a million scenarios in my mind as I waited for you to come to me. Trust me, I can handle this.”