Evergreen Springs

by RaeAnne Thayne

  “I don’t understand,” he finally said. “Why would you be upset about Ty hugging you?”

  “I’ll never have that. The baby, the delivery, the doting father like Sean was. Even worse, I’ll never have the sweet little boy throwing his arms around me and telling me he loves me.”

  He frowned. “Why would you say that? You’ve got plenty of time.”

  “I have time. I just lack the necessary equipment to get the job done.”

  He stared down at her and she must have felt his gaze. At his continued silence, she pulled away, wrapping the sweater around her.

  “What do you mean?” he finally had to ask.

  “It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “Devin. Tell me.”

  She looked down at the water for a moment, then back at him. “When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with cancer.”

  The word, ugly and dark, seemed to roar to life between them. Cancer. Oh, how he hated that word. Devin had cancer, when she was only a teenage girl. The reality of it overwhelmed him.

  So many things made sense now. Her sister’s overprotectiveness. Devin’s words to him that everyone on earth faced trials and loss. Nobody gets to walk through this world on a trail littered with rose petals, she had said. Thorny bushes, deep ravines, jagged glass. Everybody faces something.

  This must have been what she meant.

  What an amazing woman, he suddenly realized, falling hard for her all over again. What incredible strength and courage it must have taken for her to go into medicine in order to help others as she, perhaps, had been helped.

  “Is everything okay now?” he had to ask.

  “I’ve been in remission for more than ten years. Everything’s fine. I had a scare last summer but it turned out to be nothing, so yes, I’m okay.”

  “I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” he murmured.

  She blinked a little at his solicitude. “It sucked,” she said simply. “When I was a girl, I wanted two things out of life, to be a doctor and to become a mother. I’ve always loved kids and I wanted a half dozen of them. Because of the cancer, I had to have a...a hysterectomy when I was seventeen.”

  “Oh. That must have been heartbreaking.”

  * * *

  THE COMPASSION IN his voice somehow slid past the cold and the snowflakes, a warm little candle burning in the storm of her emotions.

  “It’s still the hardest part of the whole cancer gig. I was okay with the radiation when my hair fell out. Kenzie shaved hers, too, and we had a great time picking out wigs. I dealt with the chemotherapy that made me sick all the time. We made it through the fear and uncertainty to the other side. All that is in the past and seems like a distant memory but I still hate that I can never have children.”

  She had never told another soul this deep pain in her heart, not even her sister, though she suspected McKenzie must have guessed how hard the hysterectomy had been on her, emotionally.

  Why she shared this intimate part of her cancer journey with Cole Barrett, of all people, she had no idea.

  “Just because you can’t give birth doesn’t mean you can’t be a mother. If you want kids that badly, you can adopt them. What’s the big deal? There are tons of kids out there who need love.”

  Despite the raw jumble of emotions tangling through her, she almost laughed at his matter-of-fact tone. “Just like that.”

  “Why not? Problem solved. You can call the adoption agency tomorrow. The day after, anyway. Tomorrow’s Christmas.”

  Now she did laugh. She never would have expected it, given her tangled emotions, and it sounded small and strangled but it was still a laugh.

  “Adoption is not a new concept, believe me. If I ever do have a child, that will naturally be the route I’ll have to take. It will be wonderful, I’m sure, and I won’t care where the baby came from once it’s in my arms. But some part of me is still a little melancholy that I’ll never have the chance to go through what your sister did today.”

  “The pain and the stretch marks and being laid up for weeks in the hospital?”

  “Not that part, obviously. The rest of it. Feeling a baby kick inside me, knowing she is growing healthy and strong because of me. Being able to nourish her at my breast. It’s an amazing, miraculous thing that I can never fully understand, no matter how many years of education and training I might have.”

  She had been emotional enough from delivering a healthy set of twins for Tricia and Sean. Then, when she had spent a few moments with Jazmyn and Ty, she had felt such a rush of love for them, quickly followed by despair at the realization that she could never have a role in their lives.

  It had all been too much for her poor battered heart and she had retreated here, to this quiet spot on top of the bustling hospital.

  “The act of giving birth is only one tiny part of being a mother. You get that, right? Just like being a father is much more than simply an honorary title given to somebody with fast enough little swimmers in the right place at the right time?”

  “I know.” She pulled a tissue from her pocket and dried her eyes, touched more than she wanted to admit that he would try so hard to comfort her. “Most of the time it doesn’t bother me. It just is and I can’t change it now. But once in a while when my defenses are down, I indulge in a little pity party.”

  “Why were your defenses down?”

  She thought about making some kind of excuse about her busy holiday schedule and the extra work she was doing to cover for the emergency physicians. Something about the quiet night and the stars glittering above them and the inherent magnitude of Christmas Eve prompted her to be honest.

  “It’s been a rough week for me,” she admitted softly.

  “Has it?” He gave her a searching look, filled with concern and regret and something more, something she couldn’t identify in the cold moonlight.

  She should stop now. The smart course would be to hand him back his sweater, wish him Merry Christmas again and part ways, but she couldn’t do it. He had come looking for her, had held her when she cried, had looked at her with blue eyes that blazed with emotion.

  She had told him something she hadn’t shared with anyone else. She might as well make a complete fool of herself and tell him the rest of it.

  “It’s not every week a woman falls in love and has her heart broken at the same time.”

  She heard his intake of breath, sensed the sudden tension of his muscles.

  He said nothing, just stared at her, and she was grateful for the cold night air against her suddenly heated face.

  “Forget I said that, please. Apparently delivering twins is really good at removing all my internal filters. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things even more awkward between us. You made it plain you don’t want me. I get it.”

  He made a rough, strangled sound low in his throat. “Don’t want you? Is that what you think?”

  “What else? You basically told me to stay away from you and your children. You couldn’t have been more clear.”

  “You don’t get it, do you?” His voice was low, intense. “I only tried to push you away to keep myself from grabbing on tight and never letting go.”

  She caught her breath at his words, trying to make out his features in the moonlight. All the sounds of the night seemed magnified suddenly. The ever-present lake wind in the trees, an owl somewhere far below, a distant dog barking. Her pulse seemed to thunder in her ears.

  Despite the snowflakes fluttering down, a warm glow seemed to begin at some point in her chest and spread throughout her limbs. A wary sort of hope.

  “That sounds perfect,” she finally whispered.

  “Perfect, yes, but also completely impossible. Can’t you see that?”

  “No,” she breathed. “Why is it impossible?”

  H
e stepped closer and his gaze met hers, raw and anguished. “I’m in love with you, Devin. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I wish I could live my life over again to change the situation, to change what I’ve done and where I’ve been. I’m the worst possible man for you and we both know it.”

  “I’m beginning to think you’re the only man for me.”

  He closed his eyes and sucked in a breath as if she had sliced through skin with a forged scalpel.

  “I’m an ex-con, Devin. Don’t you get it? I beat a man badly enough to put him in a hospital like this one for weeks. I don’t know why, whether I was defending myself or just pissed off, because I was too drunk and don’t even remember it. I’m an alcoholic burned-out rodeo cowboy with a prison record.”

  The pain in his voice broke her heart. Why couldn’t he see himself the way everyone else saw him? After just one night with him at the Lights on the Lake Festival, McKenzie raved about what a great guy he was. All the nurses were half in love with him from his frequent visits to see his sister while she had been hospitalized. Letty wanted to adopt the man, for heaven’s sake.

  His perception of himself was completely skewed and she didn’t know how to make him see that.

  “That’s not the man I fell in love with. The man I love is devoted to his children, he is sweet to his sister, he is kind to senior citizens and horses and dogs. He makes me feel things I never expected.”

  He looked as if he wanted to drink in her words like McKenzie’s dog Rika at the lake after a hard run. But after a moment, his features turned stony and cold. “You say that as if you’re talking about two different men. Before and after. I’m one man. I’m the one who wasted so much time in my life with hard living. I own my mistakes and I know I’ll have to live with them for the rest of my life.”

  She didn’t know how to get through to him and she was suddenly afraid she wouldn’t be able to. I’m in love with you, Devin. She clung tightly to the words, folded them deep inside her heart.

  They had a chance for happiness here and she couldn’t let him throw that away. In a last, desperate effort, she grabbed his big, calloused hands in hers. These hands that had once been used as weapons but that could also hold a sick child and train a horse and touch a woman with sweet tenderness.

  “In a few hours, it will be Christmas, Cole. The time for peace on earth and goodwill toward men. It’s a wonderful time for forgiveness—and that includes forgiving yourself. Don’t you think it’s time you gave yourself a break? You paid for your crimes and you made full restitution. More important, you’re trying to live an honorable, decent life now. That matters far more to me than the mistakes you made once.”

  He gazed at her for a long moment and she saw something tentative stir in his eyes, something warm and bright that began to push away the bleakness there. He touched her cheek with his thumb, wiping away a stray tear that hadn’t frozen yet. His fingers were trembling, she realized, and she was humbled and overwhelmed that she could have that sort of effect on this hard, tough man.

  “I don’t deserve a woman like you,” he said gruffly. For an instant, she felt the beginnings of a dark, awful despair that none of her words resonated with him, but then—before that had time to take root—he gave the lopsided smile she loved so much.

  “But I sure as hell would like to do my best to try.”

  He lowered his mouth to hers and she gave a half sob, half laugh and threw her arms around his neck. The cold night air, the exhaustion from her long, difficult day, the pain and loneliness of the preceding week—none of it mattered. The only important thing was the heat of his mouth on hers, his arms holding her tight against hard muscles.

  She didn’t know how long they kissed while the snowflakes swirled around them and the stars glittered overhead but finally he pulled away. “We’re crazy. Both of us. It’s below freezing out here and snowing.”

  “That’s funny. I’m not cold at all.”

  He pressed his forehead to hers. “I don’t want to say it but I need to go back downstairs. I...left the kids with my father.”

  She stared. “You did? This is a night for miracles.”

  He gave a rough-sounding laugh, then paused and gazed up at the snowflakes spiraling down. “I guess if I’m going to start learning how to forgive myself, I should probably make a stab at forgiving him, too.”

  Just when she thought her happiness had peaked, he added another layer to it. She almost burst into tears all over again. Instead, she hugged him close and kissed him again.

  “I really do have to go,” he said reluctantly a few minutes later.

  “Yes. Of course. The children need to be home in bed.”

  She led the way back inside the building to the elevator and was touched that he held on to her hand, even when he pushed the button.

  “Are you done working for the night?” he asked when they were in the elevator car.

  “Yes. I’m working in the emergency department again tomorrow night, though.”

  “I want to ask you something and I don’t quite have the right words.”

  “What is it?”

  He shook his head, looking embarrassed. “Never mind. I think you’ve done enough today, between delivering twins and knocking a certain stubborn cowboy on his ass when he needed it.”

  “All in a day’s work.” She smiled.

  “Like I said. The most amazing woman I’ve ever known.” He shifted. “Here’s the thing. You’ve done so much to help me with Christmas this year. The tree, the decorations, the food. Finding Letty, who’s been a godsend. But I need help with one more thing.”

  She knew how difficult he found it to ask for anything and was touched all over again that he would do it, anyway.

  “I still have to take care of the Santa thing for my kids after they’re asleep and I have no idea what I’m doing. I told you I’ve never done Christmas before, except when Jazmyn was really little. Would you consider coming to the ranch tonight and helping me?”

  She caught her breath. Of all the things he might have asked her, that never would have occurred to her, but at this moment, she couldn’t envision anything she wanted more.

  “You could even stay the night in one of the guest rooms if you want, so you can be there when they open their presents in the morning. I might need help corralling the crazy, especially when I give Jazmyn the border collie puppy I picked up last week at the auction.” He gave a rueful smile. “I know. What was I thinking?”

  “You’re thinking you have a daughter who’s been through a traumatic life change and needs the steady, unconditional love a pet can provide.”

  “It sounds good when you say it that way,” he said drily. “I have a feeling I was just bending to the relentless pressure.”

  “She’ll be thrilled, either way,” she assured him.

  “I only know that if you help me, I’ll even fix you breakfast. I make a pretty mean Western omelet and I’m particularly good at cinnamon toast.”

  How was it possible that her Christmas Eve had gone from seeming so lonely to this wild surge of joy?

  She hugged him, more in love than she could ever have imagined, as the joy bubbled through her, finding all the places that had been so cold for so long. She loved this man, despite his past—or maybe because of it, because of the good and decent man who had emerged from the rubble.

  “Why, Cole Barrett,” she said softly, “that is absolutely the best Christmas gift you could ever give me.”

  * * *

  HOURS LATER, AFTER the clock struck midnight and Christmas officially arrived, Devin lay on the couch with her head on Cole’s chest. A fire burned in the fireplace, warm and comforting, and the colorful Christmas tree with the crystal angel on top provided the only light in the room.

  All the stockings were filled and wrapped gifts were clustered underneath
the tree, waiting for the children to wake in a few hours, and his old dog Coco lay on a rug in front of the fire, snoring softly.

  The house looked so different from the first time she had seen it. The garlands and ribbons and lights were part of it, of course. They made it a warm, appealing place filled with holiday cheer.

  It was more than that, though. The house was filled with love now.

  Coco snuffled in her sleep and Devin lifted her tired head to look at the dog. “Where’s the puppy?” she suddenly remembered.

  Cole gave a rueful smile. She had a feeling she would never get tired of seeing it.

  Like his house, he looked so different from the gruff, taciturn, humorless man she had thought him the first time she had met him at the hospital. This man laughed and teased and stole kisses the whole time they had been filling the stockings and wrapping a few last-minute gifts.

  “My hired man’s been taking care of him since we picked him up at the auction. I’m meeting Joe down at the barn at five-thirty for the handoff.”

  “That’s less than four hours from now. You need some sleep.”

  “How can I sleep when I have the woman of my dreams in my arms?” Cole murmured. He pulled her down for another kiss and she realized this was what she would never get tired of. This heat and wonder and tenderness.

  After another long moment, he pulled her up. “You’re right, though. We do need to sleep. You’ve had a long day, saving lives and delivering babies. It’s too bad it’s so late and we can’t leave the kids alone or I’d sneak you up to the hot spring. You deserve it after today and I can’t imagine anything better than Christmas Eve under the stars with you. Maybe next year.”

  After the past difficult week, she could hardly believe they might have a next year—or the year after that and the year after that.

  A string of magical Christmases looped together like Ty’s paper chains stretched out ahead of them and she could hardly contain the joy inside her.

  “You know I only want you for your hot spring, right?” she teased.

  He laughed gruffly and nipped her bottom lip. “Yeah, that’s kind of what I figured. What other reason would a woman like you be here with a guy like me?”