Avra's God

by Ann Lee Miller

  She set the box on the step beside her and scribbled onto the back of a garage shelving advertisement all the things Jesse had done that still hurt. She took a match from the kitchen and touched the flame to the corner of the flyer.

  I forgive Jesse for this stuff, but I’m counting on You to make it real. The fire spread and blackened the pain Jesse had caused. She dropped the corner she’d been holding onto the step. The flame died, leaving only ash.

  She sighed and reached for “Neon Green.” She’d saved the hardest for last. She took a fortifying breath and lifted the lid. All the dirt had shaken off the folded paper in transit. She opened it up, her eyes darting to Jesse’s handwriting at the bottom of the song. How? When?

  She skimmed down through the song.

  We all turn to stare. Girl’s got

  Sass. She’s smooth as glass—neon green.

  Thinks she can read my mind. Thinks she

  Knows my soul. Deluded, blinder

  Than blind ...

  Never gonna be there for ya.

  Never gonna bond ...

  Kal,

  I wrote this song when I was drunk on Tia’s neediness—to get you out of my head. But the song changed nothing—except it knifed you. I’m sorry.

  You blew me off tonight when I asked you out. I realized for the first time that I love you. I’m the one who’s been blinder than blind. Forgive me.

  And I have to believe you’re going to be there for me, that you’ll bond to me like I’ve bonded to you. Because I need you. Man, do I need you. Forever.

  Jesse

  Jesse had written the note over a month ago. She’d blocked his e-mails, rejected his calls— at least one a day. He’d wanted to tell her he loved her. He’d loved her for a month—and probably a lot longer, according to his note. Graduation night she’d unblocked his e-mail, but she’d woken up too mad to read the e-mails.

  Inside, she scrolled through her in-box reading Jesse’s e-mails in chronological order. Halfway through them, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She reached for it.

  Chapter 34

  “Kallie?” Jesse waited, expecting her to hang up. He’d sat with the phone in his hand for thirty-three minutes working up the guts to call her.

  Silence. Deep sigh. “I’m not appreciating all your logical arguments for us to go out.” She rattled them off exactly as he’d written them. “We know each other well, and there wouldn’t be many surprises. Having been close in the past is a good foundation. We’ve got music in common. We’re intellectual peers. Jesse Wayne, logic is just not enough. You are so left-brained, you’re driving me insane. I want to know what you feel. You were out of your mind in love with Tía. What am I? Warmed-over mac and cheese?”

  Jesse laughed. “And, hi, how are you too?” Relief and hope spun through him like adrenaline. “Would you go out with me?” He reeled, trying to get his footing.

  “But, you’re just going to try to pressure me to consider ... you know.”

  “Of course I am.”

  “That’s the problem. Where are you asking me to go?”

  “Church.” He gritted his teeth, waiting for her response.

  “Sounds harmless enough.” He pictured her one-shouldered shrug.

  “See you at six-thirty tomorrow.” Jesse pressed the disconnect button and fell back on his bed. Thank You, God!

  Kallie stepped out her front door. Her rainbow broom skirt floated against her calves as she came down the steps.

  Jesse shook his head, taking in her long, loose neon green blouse.

  She’d chosen it because Jesse knew it meant keep your distance. But the gleam in his eye meant trouble.

  “What?” She pressed her lips into a flat line.

  “You look beautiful. Thanks for coming with me.” He reached for her hand and held it in his palm. “Just, thanks.”

  Warmth spread up her arm.

  He walked her to the car, not releasing her hand till he let her into the car. “Still mad at me?”

  She folded her arms across her waist. “Not exactly, but we have a lot of talking to do.”

  He slid into the driver’s seat and rested his arm on the back of her seat. He rubbed her hair between his fingers, his knuckles brushing her neck.

  She sat rigid, willing herself not to respond. Only five minutes into the date and his touch was already making her crazy.

  He pulled out, braked at the stop sign.

  “So you’re slumming with the fashion idiot?”

  “If I could take “Neon Green” back, I would. I thought focusing on your flaws would get you out of my system.” He wheeled into the church parking lot. “But the song wasn’t true. I like the way you dress. You’re pretty good at reading my mind, but I didn’t appreciate it then. You’re the only one who’s ever been interested in what’s going on inside me. And I’m praying that you’re whacked enough to give me a real chance.” He shot a hopeful grin at her.

  Jesse’s words poured over her wounds like healing salve. She looked out the window at a family with three small children climbing out of a minivan. She blinked the wetness out of her eyes.

  “Thanks.” She drew a shaky breath. “So, who’s preaching tonight?”

  “I am.”

  “You’re kidding!”

  “Dad’s letting me preach on Wednesday nights this summer to try it out.”

  “Oh, Jesse, I’m sorry for dredging up all this drama.”

  Jesse grinned. “Maybe once we get to the other side of the drama, we’ll have a couple of boring weeks.”

  He came around and opened her door. Kallie slid out. “You’re really preaching?”

  He nodded.

  She remembered Jesse telling her about the man who said he’d grow up to be a preacher.

  Jesse introduced her to his mother, Cal, and Missy as they shuffled into their pew.

  Rev. Koomer bent over the piano, saying something to a lady with blue hair. He looked up and crossed the sanctuary to her as if she were the person he’d most like to see in church on a Wednesday night. “Kallie, welcome.” He shook her hand, his smile pouring over her. Would he maybe adopt her?

  “Thanks again for helping me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

  He winked at her. “And Jesse.”

  Jesse circled his arm around her. Jesse’s junior high sister arched dark brows. Kallie shrugged back. This was weird—definitely weird—having Jesse treat her like a serious girlfriend in front of his family and his whole church.

  Kallie felt Jesse’s warmth, smelled Irish Spring on his skin. In place of fear, safety surrounded her. They stood and held a hymnal between them, the pressure of his hand against her back, while their voices soared as one in worship. A longing she’d never named was fulfilled. He took her hand during his father’s prayer and slipped out of the pew as Rev. Koomer said, “Amen.”

  Jesse grinned at the congregation. “Bessie Mae Abbot, Gladys Smith, Hector Brunch, Steve Sailor, Mrs. Stinson, Mom, Dad—all my Sunday school teachers—can you believe I’m standing up here?” Laughter rippled around the room as Jesse opened his Bible.

  Kallie sat transfixed as Jesse talked. He was as comfortable in front of the congregation as he had been belting out “Ice Girl” at Battle of the Bands. Instead of running from God, now he ran with God, stride for stride. What had changed him? Jesse had been right—God did want him to preach. That electricity Jesse had with a crowd was a gift from God. Joy bubbled inside her, next to pride that he loved her. Loved her. She couldn’t think about that now.

  When everyone had gone home and Jesse had promised his father he’d lock up, Kallie followed Jesse into the fellowship hall. They sat at the end of a long table at right angles from each other under the florescent lights.

  “So, let’s talk.” Jesse loosened his tie, shrugged out of his sport coat, and threw it over a chair.

  Her eyes moved over the stick-straight chocolate hair, light brown eyes, freshly shaved chin, the white T-shirt peeking from the open button of his d
ress shirt. She took a deep breath. “Why did you send me away that night at Denny’s? It cut deep, like my dad’s rejection all over again.”

  Jesse took her hand. “That night you ran away from me on the beach and told me about your dad, I vowed I’d never hurt you like he did. I had to wait till I was sure I wouldn’t hurt you. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

  Tears brimmed from her eyes. She wiped them away with a knuckle. “Why didn’t you tell me that at Denny’s?”

  Jesse held his hands out helplessly. He stood, pulled her into his arms, and held her. “Let’s take a walk down by the river.”

  Crossing the thick carpet of grass between Riverside Drive and the water, she pulled her hand out of Jesse’s. “All this touching makes me uncomfortable.”

  “Is it touching in general you object to or me in particular?” Jesse glanced at her in the light of a distant streetlight.

  Kallie folded her arms across her waist and concentrated on keeping her high heels from slipping between the planks of the tiny dock. Moonlight reflected up from the breeze-ruffled water. “You.”

  “You’re brutal.”

  She smiled sweetly. “I know.”

  “So, I repulse you?”

  “No!” she said, too quickly. “I connected with Zack physically—don’t give me that look—it wasn’t what you’re thinking. The point is, I didn’t connect with him on any other level. I’m already bonded to you—or was until six months ago—in every way but physically. I’m afraid of you, Jess. You could wipe me out.”

  “I’m not your dad.” He leaned on the two-by-four railing. “What more can I say? I waited until I was sure. I love you. I think God is in this.”

  “So, you’ve stopped running from God.”

  “Yeah, and it’s your fault. You killed every hope I had the day at the Beacon.” He began softly at first, singing, “I was sittin’ all alone like Job on his ash heap, just me and my bitterness, with nothing—nowhere to turn.” His voice gained strength as he went. “Time to give it up, give it all up to you. Time to put my hand in yours. I love you. I choose You.”

  The words of faith spilled over Kallie, washing away the dregs of her fear. His voice caressed her spirit, and made her feel closer to him than she had been while in his arms. “It’s beautiful. You were wrong about God. He rocks.”

  Jesse’s smile reached deep into his eyes.

  Kallie’s mood shifted; she spun away from him and leaned her elbows on the rough wood. “You were crazy in love with Tía. Your e-mails make me sound like a business proposition.”

  Jesse leaned on the railing beside her, his arm touching hers. “Crazy is the operative word. I never want to make a purely emotional decision again.”

  “So, I’m a logical choice. I feel special.” She swiveled her head toward him.

  Jesse grabbed the back of his neck. “You’re making me crazy right now.”

  “You make it sound like you could be happy with any number of girls.”

  “Theoretically.”

  “Ooooh! You are so irritating. This is so not working.” She crossed her arms tightly in front of her.

  “But you’re the only girl I’ve ever met who can stand up to me. My sibs used to call me Little Hitler. You know the worst about me and still believe I’ll succeed.” He pressed her hand against his heart. “You’re the friend of the guy inside.”

  His warm chest curved into her palm. She felt the air come and go from his lungs, the beating of his pulse. Her eyes searched his.

  Jesse stepped closer, enfolding her in his arms. Kallie’s hand stayed rooted to Jesse’s chest.

  “Let me kiss you. I’m waiting for your permission this time.”

  She stared into his soul. Her thumb rubbed the material of his shirt. His breath fanned her cheek. She gave a small nod and lifted her chin. Jesse’s lips met hers. His arms pulled her closer and she was lost in the kiss, returning it with all the packed-away emotions they had shared.

  When they parted Jesse looked dazed. “Uh, I just changed my mind.” Jesse laughed. “One kiss, and I’m crazy in love with you.”

  She balled her fists on his chest. “This is exactly what I was afraid of. I like kissing you.”

  “Did you pray about whether God wants us together?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What did He say?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes!” Jesse said against her lips.

  She forgot what was irritating her. She forgot everything but Jesse’s lips on hers.

  Kallie popped a perfectly browned marshmallow into her mouth. “I love this.”

  Avra leaned back against Cisco’s chest. “Mmmm.”

  Jesse strummed softly on his guitar in the firelight. Waves sloshed against the sand nearby. A sliver moon winked at piles of seaweed clumped along the shore.

  Jesse strummed the opening chords to “I Love You, I Choose You,” then added the lyrics. The others listened.

  The second time through, Kallie’s harmony wrapped around Jesse’s voice floating in the heavy salt air. Cisco and Avra joined in the chorus. Their worship lifted toward God with the smoke from their fire.

  “It feels like church,” Cisco said. “The worship—not the getting dressed-up part.”

  Jesse laid his guitar in its case. “Who’s connecting our generation with God? Who did it for us?”

  “Avra,” Kallie, Cisco, and Jesse said in unison.

  Avra looked down at the blanket she was sitting on, embarrassed. “I didn’t do anything but live my life—and pray for you guys.” Avra dug her toes into the sand at the edge of the blanket.

  Jesse piled another piece of driftwood on the fire. “What would a church for our generation look like?”

  Cisco swept his arm around, taking in all of them circled around the fire. “It would look like this.”

  Kallie laughed. “Put me down for the marshmallows.”

  “Let’s do it,” Avra said. “Saturday nights on the beach.”

  “We’ll call it The Beach,” Jesse said. “Invite whoever—”

  “We’ll sing—” Kallie scooted closer to Jesse and slipped her hand into his.

  “We’ll tell our stories,” Cisco said. “Like Kal and Jess did on the stadium bleachers.”

  Jesse coughed. “Yeah, right, like I’m going to do that again—”

  “You can preach, then.” Avra looked smug. “But you only get fifteen minutes.”

  “And whoever wants to tell their stories, can,” Kallie said.

  “I’ll get those bongos off Geoff,” Cisco said.

  “I’ll bring pew Bibles, but we’ll have to shake the sand out of them before Sunday morning,” Jesse said.

  “Jess,” Avra said, “you’re going to have to write some more worship songs.”

  “Yeah.” Jesse grinned at her. “All those kids from Beachin’ Willie’s are going to hear about Avra’s God.”

  Epilogue

  Avra faced Cisco as Pastor Jim spoke. The deep brown in his eyes stirred with passion and love for her. She trusted the man he’d become. The scent of gardenias surrounded them.

  She should be listening to Pastor Jim’s wedding sermon, but her thoughts crowded out his words.

  “You may kiss the bride.”

  She heard those words. Mischief danced in Cisco’s eyes as he bent toward her. It was a sweet, gentle kiss that lingered with promise.

  “Perfect,” she whispered.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Francisco Carter.”

  Avra retrieved her bouquet from Kallie and linked her arm through Cisco’s as the first notes of “Victory in Jesus” sounded from the piano. Her voice joined Cisco’s, and all the voices in the room, as she strode into her future, the slim white dress floating against her skin.

  Jesse winked at Kallie as they followed Cisco and Avra up the aisle. He could feel the pressure of her fingers gripping his arm through his coat sleeve. “He loved us ere we knew Him and all our love is due Him...” Their eyes met as they sa
ng with the congregation. He leaned over, his lips brushing her ear. “Marry me.”

  The borrowed beach house huddled on the moon-swept sand, miles from neon and noise. Cisco kicked the door shut, closing out the surf and wind whispering through the sawgrass. He set Avra down in the circle of his arms and smiled into her eyes. His hands ran over the satin of her dress, trailing fire along her body. “Mrs. Carter.” He sighed deeply. “At last!”

  For a long moment they just looked at each other.

  “I love you, Francisco Edward Carter.”

  He crushed her to him. “I don’t deserve you. God’s forgiveness is huge.”

  Avra woke slowly. Her first conscious thought was of feeling loved. Cisco’s body curled around hers; his warmth ran the length of her. His arm lay across her waist. She slit her eyes to morning sun spilling from a skylight. The pretty white dress lay in a graceful heap beside the black and white of Cisco’s clothes. She peered at him over her shoulder. His head was propped on one elbow, and he was looking at her, smiling. His hair, dark brown now from lack of sun, sprung out all over his head. She twisted under his arm to face him. He moaned and pulled her closer.

  “Mornin’, sleepy face.”

  Her eyes slid shut again. “Mmm. Beats waking up to the garbage truck.”

  THE END

  Acknowledgements

  Everyone needs someone who believes in them, who thinks what they have to say is worth listening to, or in my case, reading. We need someone with whom we can spout dumb things, and not feel stupid. Someone who is always on our side. My husband, Jim, has been that person for thirty-two years. I would never have walked into my dreams without him.

  Katie Marie Stout, 22, missionary to Thailand, my favorite critique partner of all time—fell in love with Avra’s God and championed it. Love you, Katie!