by Knupp, Amy
After dropping him off, Lindsey had gone into the office to reckon with several reports that were due and set some appointments. Her day was packed to the hilt, but running her dad home wouldn’t set her off schedule too much. Overloaded was good. It gave her no time to think. No time to feel.
She ran out of her office and hopped in the car, even though the diner was only a block and a half away. Pulling up into a spot right in front, she could see her dad and his cronies at their regular table near the window. Crossing her fingers that he’d come right out, she honked.
The entire table of older men, which included the mayor, the fire chief and several others who ran the town, looked her way and most of them smiled and waved. Thankfully her dad rose—slowly—and spent a couple of minutes heckling the others as he usually did, then made his way to the car.
“You could’ve come in,” he said after closing the door. He sounded cranky, which surprised her. He should’ve been in a good mood after finally being able to return to his routine.
“I have a meeting so I’m kind of in a hurry.”
He took a few seconds to catch his breath, which bothered Lindsey. As he worked on buckling his seat belt, Lindsey spotted something that made her heart drop.
Ellen Seamore walked out of Tut’s. Just perfect.
“Did you talk to Mrs. Seamore?” she couldn’t help asking.
Seat belt buckled, he met her eyes and she knew before he answered. The woman hadn’t been able to resist mentioning she’d seen Lindsey with Zach at the hospital.
“I’m afraid so.”
Arguments and explanations flew through her mind, but there was no point. She was the one sneaking around, hiding things. An apology didn’t even seem appropriate because, even though she and Zach were officially over, she didn’t regret going to the hospital with him. She didn’t regret any of her time with him. The only things she regretted were that she’d hurt her dad and that she could no longer be with Zach.
* * *
CLAUDIA WAS DUSTING THE living room when she heard Wendell come in through the back door. Strangely, Lindsey hadn’t accompanied him in as she usually did. She went to the kitchen to see what was going on.
Wendell, who was removing his coat, looked more haggard than usual.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He attempted a grin. “I’m okay.” He walked straight to the table, though, and sat on the closest chair.
“It was too much. You shouldn’t have gone for coffee yet. Those men are too raucous.” She sat down next to him.
He patted her hand. “Coffee was fine, my dear. Good to be back to it.”
“I’m sure the guys were glad to have you.”
He shrugged. “I ran into Ellen Seamore. Apparently, she saw Lindsey at the hospital yesterday. With that Rundle.”
“Is everyone okay?”
He looked at her in surprise. “I didn’t ask. Was too shocked to be conversational.”
“You’re upset she was there with them.”
“Last I knew she was making sure the kid was taken care of. Now she’s going on personal family vigils in the hospital with them? How can she do that?”
“She’s never been able to turn away from someone in need.” Claudia wondered if that was all it was, though. She remembered Lindsey’s confession about Zach’s visit not so long ago. That’d taken her by surprise at the time, but obviously, there was more going on than she and Wendell realized.
She hoped Wendell could accept that, if and when they were faced with it. Whatever “it” was.
“Ellen said they were close. Familiar with each other. She’s been seeing him in secret, I’m almost sure of it.”
Claudia frowned. She wanted nothing more than for Lindsey to fall in love and settle down, but she hated to think of the toll it would take on Wendell if it turned out to be Zach she loved.
She was jumping to conclusions. Who knew what was really going on between them?
“What will you do if you find out she cares about Zach?”
Wendell met her eyes wearily. “She wouldn’t do that. I don’t believe it.”
Claudia didn’t respond. No need to get him keyed up when she didn’t have any solid information, only guesses.
“She knows how I feel about that family.”
“Yes. She loves you so much, Wendell. She wouldn’t do anything purposely to hurt you.”
He stared at her for several seconds. “There’s a ‘but’ there.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“You think she’s involved with him?”
She considered her answer for a moment before speaking. There was a fine line between preparing him and causing him undue distress. “I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility. She hasn’t confided in me. But I sure wouldn’t be shocked to find out there’s more between them than the boy.”
He stood and paced toward the counter. His back toward her, he paused, hands on hips, and raised his face to the ceiling. Her heart tightened at the sight of him so troubled. She laced her fingers through his and rubbed his back with her other hand.
“Let’s not jump to any conclusions just yet.”
“She couldn’t do that. Could she?” He shook his head stubbornly. “I don’t believe it.”
“One thing to think about. Lindsey has never been the type to date jerks. If she is involved with Zach, we need to try to trust her judgment that he’s okay.”
He looked at her and grumbled, then went to the refrigerator for a drink. As he sat down at the table again, he pulled the Kansas City newspaper out and turned to the sports section.
In other words, he was done talking about Lindsey and the Rundles.
* * *
“I’VE BEEN HOME FOR THREE days, and every time you come over here, you’re frowning toward the neighbors’,” Katie said, seconds after Lindsey had let herself in their dad’s front door. Her sister had never been known for beating around the bush.
Lindsey looked around the living room to make sure their dad hadn’t overheard.
“You’re leaving soon, right?” Lindsey said it in a teasing tone, but she really wasn’t in the mood for questions. She’d have to be more careful. She hadn’t been aware she’d so much as glanced in that direction. In fact, she made a point of not looking for Zach—even though she was dying to see him. She’d come over to her dad’s every evening for dinner while Katie was home for spring break, and she hadn’t set foot on the back porch. She figured if she forced herself to park in the street, enter through the front door and stay away from the Rundle side of the house, eventually she’d break all the habits she’d developed while sneaking over to Zach late at night.
Sure. And if she held her breath long enough, she’d get out of the habit of breathing, too.
“What’s going on with you and Zach?”
“Nothing.” Present tense. It was the truth.
“I don’t believe you.”
Lindsey shrugged and went out to the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?”
“Upstairs with Claudia.”
Lindsey raised her eyebrows.
Katie laughed. “They’re discussing paint colors for the bedrooms. Have they said anything to you about selling the house?”
Lindsey shook her head.
They’d not spoken about much. Of course, Dad was in love. Happy as could be. Oblivious to how much Lindsey was hurting. She was trying really hard not to resent him, but she was losing the battle.
“I hope they hold on to it. Coming home won’t be the same if this isn’t home.”
Lindsey nodded half-heartedly, not caring what she was agreeing to.
“Out with it,” Katie said sharply.
Startled, Lindsey looked at her sister. “Out with what?”
�
��Whatever’s bugging you. I’ve watched you mope for three days. It’s annoying.”
“I’m not moping.”
“It’s Zach. Fess up.”
Lindsey glanced over her shoulder and shook her head. “I can’t,” she said angrily. Truth be told, instead of feeling better the more time that passed, she felt worse. And the kicker? She was beginning to think she had no one but herself to blame for her unhappiness.
She was gritting her teeth again. She did it so often her jaw ached.
“Let’s go talk,” Katie said, motioning toward the back porch.
Fresh air might do her some good. Anyway, it was too early for Zach to be in the shop.
“You love him?” Katie shot the question at her before she could even sit down.
Lindsey leveled a stare at her sister. She could deny it. She could tell Katie to leave her alone, tell her it was none of her business.
“Yeah.”
She hadn’t acknowledged it out loud before. Hadn’t let herself think the words. But it was true.
“No way!” Katie leaned forward in her seat. “Lindsey, what are you doing?” Her tone was more excited than upset.
“Absolutely nothing.” The monotone of her own voice sounded dead compared to Katie’s animation. Fitting, since that was how she felt.
“So. You’re in love with one of the bad boys next door, but you can’t be with him because of Dad.”
“Kind of.” Lindsey slumped. “Except Zach’s not a bad person. He’s adopting his nephew.”
A flicker of compassion crossed Katie’s face, but then it was gone. She tended to side with their father about the neighbors.
“Does Zach know how you feel?”
“No. He’s not going to.”
“And that’s it? You’re just going to let it drop?”
“Yep.” Lindsey forced the word past the lump in her throat. What was with her? She’d been walking an emotional tightrope for days, and she hated it.
Thoughts of her mother now haunted her daily. Memories of Zach made her even lonelier. And all the while, the rage built up inside her. She didn’t even know what or who she was mad at...just that she felt like lashing out.
“You can’t do that, Linds.”
“Watch me.”
“No. I can’t stand it.” Katie leaned back in her chair again, tucking one leg underneath her. “Tell me everything. What’s happened with you and Zach? I know it’s something for you to be so messed up.”
Wearily, Lindsey told her all about it.
“He says I won’t do or say anything to upset Dad because of my guilt.”
“Guilt?”
Ah, great. This was the part Lindsey didn’t want to get into. “You were so young when Mom died...”
“I was twelve. I knew what was going on.”
“I was driving the car.” Lindsey looked hard at her sister.
“Lindsey. Josh was drunk. You weren’t to blame!”
“I know that.” Lindsey covered her eyes with the pads of her fingers. “My brain knows it. Really.”
“But you still feel guilty.”
“I still do. I wish I would’ve challenged her to a game of Monopoly instead of begging her to go to a movie.”
“This makes me so mad!” Katie sprang up and paced.
“What?”
“That Josh is still hurting us. Hurting you. He made the mistake, but our family is still paying for it.”
In that moment, it made Lindsey mad, too. She hadn’t seen it that way before.
“Savannah’s always been the rebel,” Katie said.
“Huh?” It was true, but where was Katie going with this?
“It’s time for you to take a lesson from her.”
“Sure. Let me just walk away from Dad forever.”
Her sister lowered herself to a different chair. “He’s wrong about this.”
Lindsey looked at her, surprised.
“Zach’s not the one who drove the car. He had nothing to do with it.”
“Right,” Lindsey said hesitantly.
“You’re the levelheaded sister who makes wise decisions and takes responsibility for everyone and their dog. Dad should be able to step back from things and see you love this guy. If you love Zach, he can’t be all bad.”
“Yeah. Right. If only it was that easy.”
“So take action. Take a stand.” Katie popped up again and stood in front of her. She leaned down, bracing her hands on the arms of the chair. “This is your happiness we’re talking about! Dad’s got his. He’ll have a new wife, and he’ll still have his oldest daughter tiptoeing around him, bowing to his every need. What are you going to have?”
The door to the house opened.
“There you are. Dinner’s just about ready.” Claudia smiled and ducked back inside.
Lindsey didn’t know what to say to Katie so she headed inside in silence.
“You deserve to be happy, Linds. Just as much as anyone else does.” Katie said it just as Lindsey stepped over the threshold, so she couldn’t respond. She didn’t know what she’d say, anyway.
“I’m such a lucky guy,” their dad said as they all helped Claudia get the food on the table. “Another dinner with three beautiful women.” He smiled at Claudia.
Lindsey was happy her dad had found someone to love. Really, she was. But she didn’t feel like enduring his joy tonight, smiling as if nothing was wrong, when she really wanted to scream.
“Enjoy it while it lasts,” Katie said. “I’m taking off tomorrow.”
“You’re sure we can’t talk you out of this latest endeavor?”
“This is just the class to learn about storm chasing. It won’t be dangerous at all, Daddy.”
“I don’t like the thought of you running after tornados.”
“I’m not. Not this week. Unless we get lucky enough to have stormy weather and get to practice out in the field.” Katie’s eyes sparkled.
“You’re quiet tonight.” Their dad watched Lindsey as he spooned rice casserole onto his plate. “Usually you’d be midlecture about taking undue risks by now.”
“I’m...not feeling well.” She stood. “In fact, I think I’ll go home.”
“I thought my casserole was one of your favorites,” Claudia said.
“It is.” Definitely wouldn’t go down well tonight, though. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s as good as it always is. I’m just not hungry.”
Katie looked knowingly at Lindsey, who offered a weak smile to no one in particular. She pushed her chair back and went to get her coat. “Have a safe trip, Katie.”
She hurried out before anyone could say more.
Cold drizzle had her throwing her coat over her shoulders as she rushed to the car. It wasn’t dark yet, but it wouldn’t be long.
She moved on autopilot.
She was going to the cemetery.
Brooke wasn’t home so it took Lindsey less than five minutes to change from her work clothes into jeans and a huge, stretched-out sweatshirt from college. These were her comfort clothes, and she definitely needed comfort tonight.
Before she left, she threw her hair up into a ponytail and pulled her quilted down coat from the closet. More comfort. She had a niggling feeling none of it would be enough.
The cemetery was on the outskirts of town, about a mile from her dad’s house. As she turned onto the narrow paved road, the shadows of decades-old trees made dusk seem dark and spooky. She hoped she’d remember where her mother’s grave was.
She drove right to the spot where her family had parked twelve years ago. She remembered the huge elm with the trunk that jutted into the road and the branches that towered over it, giving it the semblence of a tunnel.
Lindsey rummaged through the glove comp
artment and pulled out a mini flashlight, even though she wouldn’t need it quite yet. The light it gave out was dim. It was a small miracle the thing worked at all, it had been stowed so long. Glancing out the wet passenger window at the blurred maze of headstones, she sucked in a deep breath and opened her door.
Beyond the tree and to the north, she remembered. She’d used the fat elm to block her view of the gravesite after the burial service, once she’d finally made her escape.
Here she was, twelve years later. And she still wanted to escape. Tonight, though, she had a feeling she couldn’t run away anymore.
She moved slowly toward the far rows of stones, unsure of what her mother’s looked like. It hadn’t been there for the burial. Her dad had tried to get her approval of stones and patterns and etchings, but she hadn’t paid attention.
She stopped in her tracks when her own last name popped out in front of her. Her chest tightened and the air seemed to abandon her lungs. Taking the last few steps toward it, she read her mother’s name and the dates below it. She crouched down and lovingly traced the engraved letters with her finger as if it was her mom she touched.
Tears filled her eyes. Her throat felt like it might swell shut. It hurt so much. Being this close to her mom and yet unable to ever see her again. It was like learning all over again that she’d died. Like she’d been fooling herself for years, telling herself her mom was on a long trip overseas or something. The cold, sleek stone made it all so real. So final.
“Mom,” she whispered as the tears poured down her cheeks, indistinguishable from the raindrops.
The dark gray stone disappeared, and all she saw was the accident.
That night had also been wet, except the raindrops had been huge. In the car, they’d looked at each other and laughed.
“So much for hairspray,” her mother had said. “Good thing you like me no matter how bad I look.”
“I never said I liked you. I just needed a movie date,” Lindsey joked.
“Better be a good movie. That rain is cold!”
To this day she still had never watched that movie.
Her mom had been happy that night, Lindsey remembered for the first time.
She closed her eyes and let herself see her mom as she’d been then, grinning, wet, smelling of damp hairspray and lipstick.