by Knupp, Amy
Lindsey realized she was smiling, and it was bittersweet. She hadn’t allowed herself to relive a single second of that night, even the minutes before the wreck. It had been too painful to face.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” She lowered herself to the wet ground. Her sweatshirt and jacket hung low enough to protect her for a while, but frankly, getting soaked was the least of her worries. “If you were here, you’d set me straight.” Lindsey’s chuckle turned into a sob. “How did I get so messed up? Everything’s gotten twisted around in my head. I miss you so much....”
Lindsey covered her face with both hands and let the sobs come. Minutes ticked by and, still, she cried.
When she could finally take a deep breath without bursting into more sobs, she opened her eyes. Darkness had snuck up on her. She sat closer to the headstone, waiting for the shakes to stop so she could control her body again.
Slumping forward, leaning her arms on her thighs, Lindsey figured she might just have made up for all the years of not crying for her mom. She’d made up for something, anyway. She felt wrung out.
She’d always known that her mom’s death wasn’t her fault. But it seemed as if she’d needed to hold on to the guilt, as if she needed to pay somehow. She hadn’t had a reason to give it up before.
Now she did.
She’d always been a fixer, and it wasn’t pretty when she came across something she couldn’t fix. Which was exactly what her mom’s death had been. Unfixable.
No more.
She loved Zach. Wanted the chance to see where their relationship could go.
Pressure built behind her eyes again as she considered her dad’s reaction. He’d be hurt. Disappointed.
“What should I do, Mom?”
But she already knew. There was no longer any way for her to put her dad’s feelings over hers. Not this time. It was too huge—her entire future banked on whether she was honest with him or not. And, of course, whether Zach still wanted her.
She slowly got to her feet. Reaching out, she touched the cold, wet stone one last time, reluctant to break the connection.
“I’ll be back, Mom.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
THE BLAST OF THE CIVIC’S heater couldn’t begin to warm Lindsey. Not only was she dripping wet clear through, but chills ran down her spine at the thought of the upcoming conversation with her dad.
She pulled up at the curb in front of his house all too soon. The house was mostly dark, but it appeared Claudia’s light was still on in her bedroom. Lindsey’s dad may have gone to bed.
Too bad. She was going to get this out in the open tonight.
Lindsey let herself in the front door, trying to ignore the dread deep in her gut. Setting her coat on the bottom step, she quickly made her way up the stairs.
Claudia’s door was partially open, and she was sitting up in bed, reading.
“Hi,” Lindsey said quietly.
“Thought I heard someone come in. Oh, honey, you’re soaked!”
Lindsey nodded absently. “Went to the cemetery. I need to talk to Dad.”
“I think he’s asleep.” Claudia stuck a bookmark in her place in the book and set it on the nightstand. “You okay?”
Lindsey met her gaze. “I will be. I’m going to wake him up.”
She ducked out before Claudia could ask more questions.
* * *
LINDSEY PACED BACK AND FORTH across the worn living room carpet, waiting for her dad and Claudia to join her. Finally, they made their way down the stairs, with Claudia holding on to his arm.
“What’s going on, Lindsey?” Her dad was still sleepy. “Why are you drenched?”
“I’ve been...outside,” she said. “Have a seat.”
Lindsey sat in the armchair facing the couch, where the couple sat together.
Abruptly, she sprang from the chair, unable to sit still. As she walked toward the fireplace they rarely used, she said, “I’m not sure where to start or how to say this....”
“What is it, dear?” Claudia’s worry was evident.
Lindsey took a fortifying breath. “It’s Zach. I’m in love with him.”
Her dad leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs, bowing his head. He seemed to deflate.
Claudia took hold of his forearm, as if she expected him to explode. He didn’t, though. He didn’t say a thing for the longest time, and Lindsey just stood there, clenching her hands, her heart pounding.
So much rode on his reaction. He could kick her out of his life for good. The thought made her feel like withering into a ball on the floor. But she wouldn’t. She’d gone into this fully aware that the consequences could be ugly. It was a chance she’d had to take.
“Zach Rundle.” He didn’t look at her. Didn’t phrase it as a question. Just a statement.
She nodded, pointlessly, since his head was still bowed and he couldn’t see her.
“You knew about this, Claudia, didn’t you?”
Her grip tightened on his arm as she shook her head. “I told you it wouldn’t surprise me, though.”
Finally, he met Lindsey’s eyes. “What am I supposed to do?”
“What?”
“What do you expect from me, Lindsey? Should I jump up and hug you?” His voice remained calm, but there was a hint of anger behind the words.
“Not unless you feel like hugging me.” Which, clearly, he didn’t. “Dad, I know you don’t like their family. Believe me, I fought my feelings for a long time because I didn’t want to upset you.”
“And what? In the end, you decided ‘so what if he can’t take it?’”
“Wendell.” Claudia tried to reel him in before he got carried away. From the look on her dad’s face, she had her work cut out.
“I’ll tell you exactly what I decided, Dad. Because it was a long time coming, and it wasn’t an easy decision. There are things you should know.”
“Like what, that you’ve been sneaking behind our backs to see him? That you crept over there in the dead of night? Is that why you were so willing to stay with me while Claudia was gone?”
“No! I’ve cared for Zach for years. Since before Mom died. When Claudia left town, I was trying to tell myself he’s the awful person you think he is. Didn’t work. Because he’s not.”
“You said there are things we should know,” Claudia said calmly.
Lindsey sucked in a full breath of air. She sat on the arm of the chair. “I don’t think you’ll like them.”
“Can it get any worse?” Her dad stood and walked to the fireplace.
“I went to Mom’s grave tonight.”
Her dad turned.
“Oh, Lindsey,” Claudia said.
The other woman’s sympathy made Lindsey falter. The urge to bury her face in her arms and let the threatening tears fall was powerful. But she had to get this all out.
“I’d forgotten so much. Especially the night she died.” Her throat threatened to swell shut and cut off her air. “All these years I’d refused to remember. It hurt so bad to think about it, I just...didn’t.”
Claudia nodded. Lindsey didn’t dare look at her dad.
“The thing is...I felt guilty for Mom’s accident.”
“No,” Claudia said quietly.
“I know. He was drunk. But still...I’m the one who begged her to go to a movie. And I was driving.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Her dad’s voice was gruff, barely audible. She glanced at him and saw tears in his eyes.
She hugged her arms across her chest. “I felt like I needed to make up for the accident. Fix everything here. For you, Dad.”
He stared at her without a word.
“Oh, honey,” Claudia said.
“I didn’t understand any of this until recently. I was so incap
able of admitting my feelings for Zach. Didn’t want to disappoint you. Didn’t want to hurt you more. I’d already caused enough pain.”
Her dad muttered something under his breath. He rubbed both hands over his face wearily. “Honey. I wish I’d known.”
Hope sparked inside her.
“I wish I’d known, too, Dad, trust me.”
“None of it was your fault. You were my little girl when it happened. I never blamed you.” He moved toward her. “Come here.”
She stepped into his arms, tears blinding her. They held on to each other, and Lindsey heard sniffles from Claudia. If he was hugging her, he wouldn’t send her away, would he?
When her dad finally pulled back, she wiped her eyes.
“I don’t want to hear any more about the accident being remotely your fault. You hear me?”
She nodded tentatively. “I’m working on it. Going to the cemetery helped.”
“I’m glad you went.” He made his way to Claudia’s side and lowered himself back to the couch. “About...Zach.” She could see him swallow. “It’s hard for me.”
“I wish you’d get to know him, Dad.” She sat back in the chair.
“It’s a gut reaction. I hear that name, that last name, and it ties my insides into a knot.”
Sadness balled in her chest and fresh tears came to her eyes. Because she understood.
“I’ll admit I don’t know the first thing about him. He was a pain growing up, if I remember right.”
Lindsey’s lips edged up. “He’s matured. Going to adopt his nephew.”
Her dad watched her closely. “His brother too drunk to be a father?” His words dripped with disdain.
“Basically.”
“I’m glad Zach’s going to take care of him,” Claudia said. “Poor kid.”
“He’s going to be a great dad. There’s no question in my mind,” Lindsey said.
“And you’re going to mother this child? Josh’s child?” Her dad’s voice was quiet, even, without blatant censure.
She hadn’t even thought that far yet, she’d been so caught up in Zach and then confronting her dad. “Y-yes. I guess I am. If Zach will have me. We...aren’t actually together right now. I don’t know what he’ll say when I talk to him.”
Both older people studied her in silence. Lindsey fought the urge to pop up off the chair and pace.
“I can see it in your face when you talk about him, you love him,” her dad said. “If I’d had my say in the man who would steal your heart, it wouldn’t have been a Rundle. But I’d be a clod not to give you my blessing.”
Then she did burst off the chair and rushed across the living room to throw her arms around him. Again, tears fell. Hers and Claudia’s.
“Thank you, Dad.”
He cleared his throat as she straightened. “I can’t promise to be his biggest fan. But I’ll give him a chance.”
“That’s all I ask for.” She hugged him one more time.
“Just let me take it slow. Can you do that?”
She wiped her eyes and nodded. “I love you, Dad.”
“Love you, too. Now go find out if that man is smart enough to take you back.”
She bent down to hug Claudia and ran to the door. To find out if she had a future with Zach.
* * *
LINDSEY DIDN’T BOTHER GOING to her car. She traipsed across the front yard, relieved the Rundles’ house was still lit. She knew Zach would be up at this hour, but she hated to wake Mrs. Rundle or Owen.
She tapped lightly on the heavy wood door. She couldn’t guess how Zach would react to seeing her here. It could go either way, but even if he tried to send her away again, she had every intention of making him hear her out. Tonight.
She knocked again, louder. Footsteps approached on the other side, but they didn’t sound like Zach at all. Too light. The door eased open and a woman she’d never seen before smiled politely.
“Hi. I was looking for Zach.”
The woman’s smile warmed. “I’m afraid he’s not here.”
“Do you know what time he’ll be home?” She hadn’t realized his truck wasn’t in the driveway.
“He took Owen to Wichita.”
Lindsey’s heart sank.
Mrs. Rundle shuffled up behind the woman, wearing an old, threadbare robe. “Lindsey? Is that you?”
“I wanted to talk to Zach, but I hear he’s gone.”
The older woman smiled kindly as she came to a stop right next to the other woman, whoever she was. “Whatcha need, hon?”
Lindsey glanced at the woman she didn’t know.
“This is Annie. She’s my new babysitter.”
“Caregiver,” Annie corrected. “Nice to meet you.”
“You, too.” Lindsey forced a smile, even though she just wanted to get out of there now that she knew Zach wasn’t home.
“What do you need to talk to Zachary about?” Mrs. Rundle asked again.
“It’s...personal.”
Zach’s grandma looked her over carefully, knowingly. Her attitude toward Lindsey had changed over the past few weeks, and they’d stumbled onto a mutual tolerance of each other. Lindsey had a hard time hating a woman who had such a terrible future awaiting her. And really, she was a decent woman inside; the crusty facade just threw a lot of people off.
Still, Lindsey wasn’t comfortable enough to pour her heart out to her.
“He’s at his apartment in Wichita. Went back for the commission meeting tonight. You could drive down there yourself—1912 Ashland Drive. Apartment three.”
“It’s getting late. It can wait,” she lied. “Thank you. Sorry to bother you.”
“Don’t you worry about it. Some things are pressing.” She actually winked at Lindsey, who pretended she didn’t see it and turned to leave.
Now what?
She shivered. She was still soaked to the bone. A hot shower sounded like the best place to start. She’d have to wait till tomorrow to track Zach down and see if he really loved her or had already given up.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
LINDSEY WATCHED HER digital clock turn to 3:30 a.m. just as she’d watched it turn to three and two and so on. She sat up and whipped the covers aside. If she lay here another minute, she would go certifiably crazy.
She wandered into the spare bedroom Brooke used as an office. Turning on the desktop computer, she sat at the desk.
The address Mrs. Rundle had rattled off earlier was still fresh in Lindsey’s mind. She typed in the address of a mapping website and then entered the address. Voilà. Directions to Zach’s doorstep.
She stared at the screen for a good five minutes, considering her options. Sleep wasn’t going to come anytime soon. The longer she sat around in the dark, the more she would think about her mom, her dad. Zach. Thinking was getting her nowhere.
If she left now, she’d get there by about six-thirty, in time to catch him before he went to work. And then some.
She checked her planner for morning appointments. She had a meeting with her supervisor that she could postpone. Her in-home meetings weren’t until the evening. She could make it back to Lone Oak in time for them.
Snapping into action, she clicked Print, waited for the map to slide out of the printer and returned to her bedroom to get dressed. She threw on dry jeans, a tank and her favorite fuzzy hooded sweater. More comfort clothes.
Before she left, she threw a toothbrush in her purse and scribbled a note to Brooke, who’d probably be up in the next couple hours, anyway.
* * *
NEARLY THREE HOURS LATER she was in Wichita and still alert, thanks to a forty-four-ounce vat of caffeine. That, and the anticipation of seeing Zach.
Lindsey drove into an all-night gas station that was lit brighter than a baseball s
tadium during a night game. She studied the map until she knew the rest of the route and got back on the road, which was mostly deserted.
The sky was just starting to lighten, and either the rain from last night had stopped or she’d driven out of it. The sidewalks and streets were dry, but the air was chilly, especially after the cocoon of warmth in the car.
Zach’s apartment was one of four units in a well-maintained brick building. Bland but functional. She found number three on the ground floor. Lindsey’s heart beat erratically as she walked toward the door.
She knocked at number three, her heart in her throat. She shivered and waited for ages, then knocked again. Finally, on the third knock, the door opened.
Zach scowled out at her through drowsy eyes, his hair a mess. He wore pajama bottoms and nothing else, and the room behind him was dark. Lindsey held back the urge to run into his arms.
“Wha—? Lindsey? What on earth?”
Her fingers itched to touch his face, to run her hands through his hair, then wind her arms around him. But she couldn’t tell anything about his thoughts. All she knew was she’d woken him up and he was surprised to see her.
“Can I come in?”
Without a word, he opened the door wider and stood back. “What time is it?”
“Six-thirtyish. Sorry I woke you.”
Zach walked past her to a couch he’d apparently used as a bed, judging by the blankets and pillow on it. He sat next to the pillow and reached over to turn on the lamp on the end table.
The couch was the only piece of furniture to sit on in the room. “Mind if I—?” It was awkward to be so formal with him.
Zach patted the cushion next to him. “What’s going on? Why are you here?”
“Your grandma said you brought Owen to Wichita.”
“He’s in my bedroom.”
“You gave him your bed? That’s so sweet.”
He leveled a sleepy look at her. “Why are you here, Linds?”
Where to start? She’d had three hours of solitude—and thrashing music—to figure out what to say, but she was far from prepared.
“I went to the cemetery last night.” She couldn’t afford to lose it right now. “Sat at my mom’s grave for a long time. Thought about a lot of things.”