Captured Again

by L. L. Akers

  “No. I really don’t feel up to it. Ask Emma to go,” Gabby answered while wandering through the house, looking at Jake’s things scattered here and there.

  She picked up his favorite ball cap, twirling it on her finger before bringing it to her nose to smell it. It still had a whisper of Jake’s clean scent to it. Her mind wandered as she thought about how long smells would stay attached to things. Maybe I should put some smaller stuff into freezer bags... capture the scent? she thought.

  “Emma can’t go tonight. She’s doing something with Rickey. Come on, I hear there’s a new Sandra Bullock movie playing. Everybody’s been talking about how good it is.” Olivia pleaded, “Please... I don’t want to go alone.”

  “No. I’m not feeling up to it, Olivia. Let’s do it another night,” Gabby answered, knowing she had no intention of going another night either. She just wanted to be able to come home from work and be left alone right now.

  “Gabby, you need to get out of the house. See more real people, other than the people you work with,” Olivia said quietly.

  “So do you.”

  “Ouch. I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m not ever getting married,” Olivia answered. “So what’s the use in dating? Besides, I’ve done the marriage thing. It didn’t work out for me. I’m too old now to start all over.”

  “Yeah, right. You’re a real old maid at twenty-six. You could be remarried by now, Olivia. You can’t let the memories of your first marriage haunt you forever. He’s out of your life now—so live it. Practice what you preach. You don’t need to be constantly hanging out with your sisters. And I feel like I’m specifically being babysat.”

  “That’s a stupid thing to say. We went to movies all the time, even before the accident, Gabby.” Olivia paused, leaving an uncomfortable silence on the line. “I’m going to forget you said that. This isn’t about me right now. So then, what are you doing?” Olivia said, changing the subject.

  Gabby knew this was her way of just keeping her talking, trying to prevent her from just going to bed. It seemed nobody understood how much sleep she needed. It was also her typical redirect, avoiding any conversation that revolved around Olivia having a man in her life. She was overly cautious after her epic fail with Billy, worried that another man would hurt her. And even if she wouldn’t admit it, Gabby thought Olivia still harbored some of the blame. Maybe a victim never gets over feeling it might have partly been their fault. It hurt Gabby that Olivia wouldn’t even try to find another man. She tried to act like she was happy with her new career and that she didn’t have room in her life, but Gabby knew it was a charade. Everybody needs somebody.

  “Nothing. Just cleaning up a bit,” Gabby lied as she stood looking at Jake’s open closet, running her free hand along the shirts hanging neatly from the rack. She leaned in and sucked in a huge breath of Jake.

  “Gabby, I heard that. Are you smelling Jake’s stuff again?”

  “NO!” Gabby lied again.

  “Okay—sorry—it sounded like you were taking a big whiff of something. Maybe it’s the phone. I’m not trying to irritate you. I’m just trying to figure out how you’re really doing. What if I bring a movie and we hang out there? I’ll sleep in the spare tonight,” Olivia offered.

  “No. Thanks anyway, Olivia. I’m really just not feeling up to it.”

  “Okay, but don’t forget tomorrow is your appointment, and then tomorrow night at Mom’s. If you don’t show, we’re bringing the food and coming to you. You know we can’t miss dinner night,” Olivia reminded her. “Unless you’d rather start having it at your house. I’m okay with that, but I can’t speak for anyone else. This is our first dinner since the accident. It might be kind of... different.”

  Gabby refused to talk about the dinner, instead focusing on the appointment. “These appointments are stupid, Olivia. I don’t see why the doctor won’t release me. So I got a bump on the head... It’s better now. I’m fine.”

  Olivia’s silence on the other end gave Gabby her answer; there was no getting out of anything.

  “I’ll be at the appointment—and the dinner,” Gabby answered, knowing that’s what Olivia was waiting to hear. “At Mom’s. I’ll drive myself. But I don’t want to hear any talk about Jake. Agreed?”

  “Well, I agree. But again, I speak for myself. I can’t control anyone else. You know that,” Olivia answered. “So I’ll meet you at noon for your appointment at Dr. White’s and then I’ll see you later at Mom’s?”

  “If I must,” Gabby answered sullenly, sounding ungrateful. But she wasn’t ungrateful; she was annoyed. She definitely didn’t see any point in continuing to see Dr. White, and she really didn’t want to go to Mom’s house either. At least with Olivia she didn’t have to pretend. But she did feel bad always making Olivia out to be the bad guy, especially since she had no control over it. “Love you. Bye,” Gabby said, hoping to end the call on a good note.

  “Love you, too. Bye.”

  CHAPTER 14

  “Gabby, are you listening?”

  Gabby stared at the window of the psychologist’s office, catching the barest glimpse of her reflection and trying to hang on to it before the reflecting lights inside snatched it away again. If she stared hard enough, her image would transform into Olivia staring sternly back at her. It didn’t take much; they still looked exactly alike, except Olivia’s face was better at hiding the pain within, always had been. Gabby had been shocked to find out Olivia was suffering so much at the hands of Billy—life-threatening suffering—after they had gotten back together and supposedly worked things out, and kept her secret in silence as long as she had, before she was able to finally escape his reach for good.

  “Gabby?”

  Gabby startled back into the here and now. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “I asked if you can remember what happened before the accident.”

  “Yes. I’ve told you... I remember exactly what happened up until the accident.”

  “Okay. Well, humor me. What is the last thing that happened before the accident?”

  Gabby sighed and rubbed her hand across her cheeks. She answered the question with a roll of her eyes; she so didn’t want to be here again, answering the same questions. This was a waste of her time.

  “Let me be more specific, then. Do you remember thinking you saw René and having a major panic attack?” Doctor White asked.

  “Yes. I remember that. Why do we have to dredge this up over and over again?” Gabby asked defensively.

  “What about after the accident?” he asked.

  “What about it?”

  “What do you remember about after the accident, Gabby?”

  Gabby’s eyes began to burn. She could feel her throat seizing up and her heart beating faster. She didn’t want to think about this anymore. Why couldn’t they just let her move on? Why did they keep picking at it like an old scab just on the verge of healing, only to be opened up again to bleed some more. She looked at the psychologist with pleading eyes, hoping for mercy. Her plea was met with eyes full of determination. She was going to have to answer this, yet again.

  “Okay!” Gabby blurted out angrily. “I remember! I remember seeing Jake crying tears of blood before I passed out. I remember coming to and seeing him on a stretcher, covered in a white sheet. That’s it. That’s all I can remember until I was home again, out of the hospital.”

  The doctor chewed the end of his pen, studying Gabby for a long, uncomfortable moment before the probing continued.

  “What about the funeral, Gabby? Do you remember the funeral?”

  Gabby stared off into space again, trying to clear the cobwebs of her mind, to grasp any string of a memory that would tie her back to that forgotten day. What kind of wife wouldn’t remember her own husband’s funeral? But she could find nothing—not even a wisp of his memorial curled up, hiding just out of sight. It just wasn’t there.

  “No! I told you before. I cannot remember the damn funeral. What kind of wife does that fucking make me? A
bad one? I... I’m... It’s—”

  “Okay, Gabby, calm down. That’s enough for today. I don’t want to upset you. You can go now. I’ll see you same time next week unless you need me sooner. Just try between now and then to piece it back together so we can talk about it.”

  Dr. White patted Gabby on the back as she rose and made her way to the door. Gabby wanted to brush it off, to let him know she didn’t appreciate having to come here to be poked and prodded into remembering this and remembering that. This remembering shit is making my mind flip somersaults. She just wanted to forget. Or maybe she just wasn’t ready to remember yet.

  “Olivia, this is bullshit. Why do I have to keep coming here?” Gabby demanded as she stomped into the waiting area before the door had even closed behind her.

  Olivia jumped up from her chair, where she’d been waiting for Gabby, her eyes an odd combination of sadness and hope. “Geez, Gab. Watch the language.” Olivia shot a sideways glance to the receptionist desk. Luckily, she was on the phone and didn’t seem to hear. “Anything new? Did you remember anything after the accident?” she asked.

  “No! For the thousandth time, I didn’t. And I don’t see why I need to. Why can’t everybody just let me deal with this in my own way?” Gabby argued while holding the door open for Olivia. “If coming here is supposed to make me feel better, it’s not working, Olivia.”

  Olivia blew out her breath, seemingly frustrated.

  “No, Gabby. It’s not supposed to make you just feel better. It’s supposed to help you get better. And you know it’s not optional. Until you’re fully released, it’s either come here and talk when they tell you to or go back into the hospital. You don’t want that, do you?”

  Gabby shook her head and turned to walk out the door, her frustration showing in her rapid steps. Olivia snatched her bag and hurriedly followed, just grabbing hold of the door before it shut behind Gabby.

  “No, I don’t want or need to go back to the hospital. I have to work, Olivia,” she said as she kept walking. “I’d lose my damn job if I have to go back in. But I’m getting really tired of him asking me the same question over and over again. What good does that do?”

  Olivia quickly caught up and put her arm around Gabby, squeezing her in a half hug. “It’s supposed to make you focus, Gab. Clear your mind of the clutter, and focus... That’s all. It’s a starting point. You can’t make any progress until you get past the starting point.”

  “I don’t need to make progress. I already have. I’m okay. I’ve moved on. I’m living, sleeping, eating, working... What more progress could I make? This is bullshit.”

  Olivia stopped walking. Gabby made it a few more steps toward the parking garage when she realized Olivia wasn’t beside her anymore. She turned around to find Olivia standing stubbornly in place, arms crossed and face serious.

  “What?” Gabby asked. “You look like you have something to tell me.”

  Olivia opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, blowing out another loud breath through her nose. She shook her head.

  “Gabby, I’m tired of this, too. Seriously? You think I like rearranging my work schedule to meet my stubborn twin at the doctor’s office every week, just to make sure she shows up, instead of having her stubborn ass thrown back into the psych ward? Really? I’ve got a lot better things to do than this. If you refuse to even try, then I’m done.”

  Gabby crossed her arms and stared back, matching the defiant look on Olivia’s face. This was the way it always was... tough love. Gabby knew Olivia meant well, but how the hell was she supposed to try when she didn’t know what she was trying for? What did they want from her? But she couldn’t lose Olivia... not now.

  “Okay. I’ll try. I really will, okay?” Gabby offered.

  “Okay.”

  Olivia started walking again and met up with Gabby, who turned and matched her hurried stride toward the parking lot, sighing in relief. She knew deep down she needed Olivia for this—even if she didn’t exactly know why.

  CHAPTER 15

  Gabby peeked into the rearview mirror, smoothing down her hair around her face and checking her makeup just before she pulled up to Mom’s house. She wanted to look put together, look normal. The more normal she looked, the fewer questions anyone would ask.

  While she’d let on to Olivia that she didn’t really want to come tonight, that wasn’t exactly true. Since Mom had joined them in their support group years before and listened—really listened—to what each had been through and shared her own history, Mom had changed. Or maybe they’d all changed. But Mom had mellowed out. She’d learned to pay attention to her girls, even watching them like a hawk now, always on alert to keep her baby chicks safe and away from further harm. While it sometimes got on Gabby’s nerves that Mom had to have her nose in everybody’s business, it was a welcome change. Once they all knew each other’s secrets, and they each saw there was no blame bestowed on each other, they were closer... an equal team in building each other up and keeping a watchful eye, sisters in survival—or Survivor Sisters, as they liked to remind each other when one of them was down.

  Mom had married her boyfriend, Nick, five years ago. She’d finally gotten her happily ever after. He was a drinker to start with; that was true. But only beer. He’d quit after he asked Mom to marry him. He didn’t have an abusive bone in his body. He was a big, cuddly teddy bear that they all adored. He had the cutest smile and laughed easily; it was contagious. He could make anyone laugh.

  Nick worked hard so Mom could quit her factory job and found the perfect place to live out her retirement years, in the middle of a huge patch of woods. He loved to build and quickly cleared a place for the house. When that was finished, he constructed fences, barns, and chicken coops, filling them up to give Mom something else to focus her mothering on, since her own chicks had flown the nest. Mom named all her chickens and she knew who was who at just a glance. It wasn’t unusual to see her out talking to her feathered ladies as if they were just another group of gossiping women, pecking, strutting, and fluttering all around Mom while she rambled on about the latest book she’d read or what was happening on the news, or God forbid, some juicy gossip about one of her girls.

  Gabby put the car in park and gathered up her cell phone, purse, and a pie she had picked up on the way. These dinners had been routine since the first group meeting Mom attended. She had pulled the accountability card that Mr. Knight—Russ—had proposed on her first meeting. Keeping ears open and eyeballs peeled for any signs of distress from each other so it could be addressed before disaster. Everyone was supposed to bring something to these traditional monthly dinners—something home-cooked—but the store-bought pie would have to do. Gabby had no desire to cook since Jake was gone. This would be their first dinner since the accident.

  As she made her way up the walk, she heard pinches of conversation floating out the screen door toward her.

  “She didn’t remember, yet?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sure? Maybe she’s not telling you.”

  “She would tell me, Emma. We all would know.”

  “Maybe we should just ask her—”

  “No!” Olivia snapped. “The doctor said she is experiencing avoidance symptoms. The PSTD had to have been triggered by her believing she’d seen René. The accident only pushed it further into a full-blown episode, so she’s burying the traumatic event and avoiding certain people, places, and things. This is called emotional numbing, and if we push her, it could trigger her to cut us off, too. The doctor said it’s very common. She needs us. So we need to keep our mouths shut until she faces it on her own.”

  Gabby had waited long enough. She felt ridiculous spying, like a child. She pulled the screen door open and stepped in. “Face what? What am I not facing?”

  Olivia, Emma, and Nick all froze in place. Nick was in the kitchen, and Emma and Olivia were sitting on the couch.

  Emma was the first to speak. “Nothing, Gab. We weren’t talking about you.”

>   “Then who were you talking about?” Gabby asked suspiciously.

  Emma looked at Olivia, then at Nick, waiting for someone else to jump in. No one seemed to have an answer. Nick finally took the lead, walking toward Gabby and taking the pie with one hand while rubbing Gabby’s back with the other. “Okay, yes. They were talking about you. They’re just talking about you coming to grips with what happened before and after the accident. We’re all just worried about you, that’s all.”

  “Nick... I told you—” Olivia warned, standing up and crossing her arms. Emma stood too.

  “I know, Olivia. I’m not asking anything. I’m just saying we’re worried about her. Isn’t that okay to say?” Nick interrupted, raising his eyebrows innocently.

  Something about the whole thing felt off. Nick rubbing her back? He wasn’t usually a touchy-feely person, except with Mom, so that in itself was bizarre. Gabby’s stomach took on an empty, fluttery feeling.

  “Where’s Mom?” Gabby asked.

  Emma and Nick spoke at the same time.

  “She’s not here.”

  “She’s gone.”

  “What the—” Gabby started.

  “She’s not going to be here for dinner.” Olivia interrupted. Her mouth bent into a forced smile.

  Gabby felt a surge of unexplained panic building; her heart started beating faster and she could feel herself starting to sweat, even as her body felt a blast of cold air from a vent blowing above her. She grabbed the door for support. Emma and Olivia rushed over, each grabbing an arm. Something is wrong.

  “Gabby, sit down.” Olivia urged her.

  “Yeah, Gab. Come sit down with us and let me tell you about the hot cop I met,” Emma added while helping lead Gabby to the couch.

  “No!” Gabby yelled, pulling away from them. “Tell me what I need to face? René? Jake? What were you all talking about? I want to know.” She made her way to the couch without the help of her sisters, not wanting to give in and sit, but not able to stand anymore. She dropped her head between her knees and tried to breathe, feeling a panic attack approaching. Her heart still beat wildly and the sweat now crept in cold drips down her sides from her armpits. Her skin felt clammy. What the hell? she thought. I’m cold but sweating. Maybe I picked up a bug at the medical clinic? Did they have sick—physically sick—people there in the same building?