All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  She tried to smile. “I hope so.”

  “Listen. That damn wedding is coming right up. The invitation says no gifts. Do you think they mean it?”

  She had a feeling he’d changed the subject deliberately, but went along with it. A little of Matt went a long ways these days.

  “I’d assume so. Do you have any idea whether either of them are involved with a charity? It might be nice to make a donation in their names.”

  “Hey.” Alec looked relieved. “That would be good. Yeah.” Some nameless emotion crossed his face. “We have a battered-women’s shelter in town. I think that might be appropriate.”

  Julia opened her mouth to ask why, but could tell from his face that he wouldn’t answer. She imagined the laughing, assured woman she’d met and couldn’t envision her as a victim, but... You never really knew, did you? And Cait McAllister’s interest—or was it Noah Chandler’s interest?—might have to do with a mother or other female relative instead. Although, if that was the case, how did Alec know about it?

  “Why don’t we both do that, then?” she said. “If you like, I’ll pick up two cards, one to go with the donation and one for the bride and groom.”

  “Thank you.” He stretched and groaned. “I suppose I should go beard the lion in the den.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “Yeah, I do.” They carried their bowls to the sink. As she rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher, he leaned a hip against the counter. “The wedding is Saturday, but what would you think about all of us doing something Sunday? Matt is starting that orienteering thing next week, isn’t he?”

  She made a face. “In theory. If he doesn’t balk at the last minute. The first session of swim lessons for Liana and Sophie starts, too.”

  “Lucky we could put off having you start working,” Alec remarked.

  Julia felt a funny squeeze of emotion at the way he so casually linked them. We could be a powerful word, she’d discovered.

  “I’ve heard Elk Lake up by Mount Bachelor is especially beautiful,” he went on. “Probably jam-packed with tourists, too, but what the hell. We could take lunch, swimsuits, have some fun. What d’you say?”

  She smiled. “Liana and I say yes.”

  Muscles flexed in his jaw, shadowed with an evening growth of beard. “Oh, Matt’ll be coming, too, like it or not.” He made an impatient sound. “Wish me luck,” he said, but didn’t wait for it.

  * * *

  ATTENDING A WEDDING with Julia at his side sure as hell beat going on his own.

  She’d been in town almost three weeks now, but except for the dinner out at Chandler’s, this was their first public appearance as a couple. Alec was very conscious that people were checking them out.

  He had also, until they were safely inside the church, been conscious of being exposed in a way he didn’t like—and of conceivably placing Julia in danger simply by having her with him.

  Given that the latest threat had been made only two days ago, Alec had worried about the fact that it had to be commonly known he’d be attending Noah Chandler’s wedding. He couldn’t imagine anything like a bomb, given that plenty of the area’s movers and shakers were bound to be present, too, including some who were Brock supporters. Still, he’d hustled Julia from the parking lot into the church fast enough to earn him a startled glance or two from her, and hadn’t been able to completely relax until they were seated.

  The church was full, but the wedding party itself was small, just a matron of honor and a best man, bride and groom. It was almost a family group, entire unto itself—the bride’s brother gave her away, and his wife served as her matron of honor. The only nonfamily member was the best man, a guy named Eric Henson, whom Alec had been told was a civil engineer.

  Alec watched with some amusement as Noah Chandler waited at the altar, his gaze fixed on the church doors with a desperate intensity that Alec suspected hid his terror that Cait would fail to appear. At one point his best man murmured something that either went unheard or disregarded; the friend smiled and clapped a hand on Noah’s shoulder.

  Noah in a tuxedo looked about like he did in a business suit—subtly wrong. Maybe the build was too bulky, maybe the face too homely.

  He was saved when the organ music changed from lulling to traditional, the doors swung open and Nell McAllister started down the aisle, face solemn. She took her place and the bride appeared on her brother’s arm.

  “Ooh.” Julia sighed. He glanced over to see her rapt face, her lips parted with pleasure.

  Damn, she was beautiful.

  So was the bride, he’d concede, even if she didn’t stir anything special in him. Noah, though, looked as if he’d died and caught his first glimpse of heaven. Alec doubted he breathed during her procession.

  Cait had chosen a simple dress with crisscrossed seams that made the thin ivory silk slide over her body in a way that fully justified her groom giving up oxygen. She wore a diamond at her throat. No veil, only bits of sparkle and a few pearls somehow scattered in her feathery hair.

  Alec faced the front when everyone else did. He used the moment to steal another look at Julia, who as it happened was looking at him right then. He couldn’t quite decide what he saw on her face, but the tide of pink in her cheeks suggested she hadn’t expected to be caught peeking at him.

  He had served as best man at her wedding. He had a bad feeling that, even then, he’d watched her walk down the aisle with the same hungry gaze that had been on Josh’s face and that he now saw on Noah’s. The difference was, he’d done his best to hide it, as well as to talk himself out of believing the constriction of his chest meant anything. All he was thinking, he’d told himself, was that Josh had gotten lucky. Man, Julia Lydersen—about to become Julia Raynor—was pure class. Someday, Alec wanted a woman to look at him the way she looked at his brother. That was all. He was feeling a pang of envy, one step removed. Not that he wanted this woman.

  In the years that followed, he’d once in a while thought, If I were meeting her somewhere and she was unattached... A few times he’d wondered if Josh knew how lucky he was. Josh had always seemed more casual about his wife than Alec thought he should have been. She and his brother had been ten years into their marriage before Alec had admitted to himself that his sister-in-law was solidly in the way of any of his relationships getting serious. Not that he wanted her, he’d told himself—but none of those women measured up. And by then he’d started thinking, That idiot doesn’t deserve her or his kids.

  The only blessing had been that they lived in San Diego, while he was in L.A. He’d get down weekends sometimes, mostly when Josh was in town but, as time went on, increasingly often when Josh was overseas. Even then, he’d been filling in for his brother.

  Just not quite ever letting himself think how much he wanted to fill in permanently.

  Good thing, too. He’d have had a hard time living with the guilt if he had, in full awareness, coveted his brother’s wife. As it was, he could live with the friendship that had grown between them, the tight relationship he had with Josh’s kids. What they’d had already made sliding into something closer yet after Josh’s death more possible.

  Now, so aware of her in the pew beside him that he felt her every soft breath, Alec also felt crushing pain as he watched the simple ceremony.

  He would give damn near anything to be making those promises to the woman beside him and to gaze into her eyes as she made them to him.

  Ask her. She might do it.

  Only thing was, he needed more than the promises. More than her in his bed.

  He needed to know he wasn’t a fill-in. Second best. Second husband was okay, but he needed to know she loved him.

  And that seemed as likely as them going home after the reception to find a sunny-natured thirteen-year-old boy eagerly waiting in hopes Mom would play a computer game with h
im, and, oh, by the way, he’d met this really great guy today who had invited him to go fishing with him and his dad, and could Uncle Alec go, too?

  The crushing pain became something a whole lot bleaker. Repeat to self: At least they need you. At least she talks to you.

  “Do you, Noah Chandler, take this woman...”

  The minister’s voice washed over him.

  Julia had blushed. He wondered what that meant. Glancing down without turning his head, Alec saw how close his loosely curled hand lay to her thigh and to her slender hand spread on it. He could move his, just a fraction of an inch at a time, and his knuckles would graze the silky, peach-colored fabric of her skirt. Or he could stretch a little, casually, and lay his arm on the back of the pew behind her, maybe smiling apologetically.

  “I now pronounce you man and wife.” The white-haired minister smiled benevolently at the two people gazing into each other’s eyes. “You may kiss your bride.”

  With a huge grin, Mayor Noah Chandler swept his bride into his arms and kissed her passionately and at length.

  Alec turned his head and met Julia’s green-gold eyes—and she blushed again. He took a chance and reached for her hand. She returned his clasp.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “I’VE NEVER BEEN to a wedding,” Liana complained from the back of Alec’s Tahoe the next day. “I wish I could’ve gone.”

  Julia smiled over her shoulder. “But you’ve never even met the two people who were getting married. I didn’t see any other kids there, did you, Alec?”

  He glanced in the rearview mirror. “Maybe a couple of older ones. Don’t worry. Sooner or later, you’ll get stuck going to some weddings. Most of them are pretty boring.”

  Julia poked him with her elbow. “They’re not!”

  His grin lit his lean, dark face. “You ever been to the kind with eight bridesmaids all in hideous purple dresses? And vows the bride and groom wrote themselves?”

  She chuckled. “Well, no.”

  “I like purple,” Liana declared.

  “We know, sweet pea,” her uncle said, a smile still playing at the corners of his mouth. “I’m betting your swimsuit is purple.”

  “It is! It’s new, too. Mommy and I went shopping Friday. ’Cuz I’m starting lessons tomorrow, you know, and my old one stunk. Plus it was getting kind of small.”

  “It wouldn’t have stunk if you ever remembered to rinse it out when you shower,” Julia suggested. “But it doesn’t matter, because it was definitely getting too small. You’re growing, kiddo.”

  “I wish I’d grow faster,” she said, sounding momentarily discontented. “I’m always the shortest kid in the class.”

  Matt, beside her, hadn’t said a word during the drive. Predictably, he wore his earbuds, which emitted the deep thud of the bass notes. Julia had no doubt he was listening, though. If she could wish for a growth spurt for either of her children, it would be for him, not Liana. Being short was way harder on a boy than a girl. By eighth grade, a few of the boys would already have started shaving, she thought. They’d mostly be skinny and gangly, but reaching for their adult height. Except for the sullen expression and the clothes, Matt could have been going into sixth grade like his sister.

  Was that his problem? she wondered. Or even part of his problem? Or, heaven help her, would puberty make dealing with him even tougher?

  When they reached the lake, the water was brilliantly blue. Mount Bachelor reared impressively over the forested landscape. It still held a cap of snow even in July; apparently the snowpack had been deeper this past winter than in recent, dryer years. Alec had learned about a resort where they could rent kayaks or stand-up paddleboards if they wanted. There turned out to be a lovely, sandy beach and a small store where they could supplement the food and drinks they’d brought in a cooler. By the time they carried their paraphernalia to the beach, even Matt looked interested.

  They found a good spot off to the side to spread their blanket and shed clothes.

  “Swim before lunch?” Julia asked.

  “Yeah!” her daughter exclaimed, already toeing off her flip-flops.

  Matt glanced around with elaborate casualness before pulling his T-shirt over his head and baring his scrawny chest. Julia ached with sympathy.

  “Suntan lotion,” she said brightly, handing each kid a tube.

  Matt, of course, rolled his eyes, but possibly recalled the time last summer when they’d gone to Malibu Beach and he had refused to put any lotion on. Alec had kidded later that they could have roasted their marshmallows over him. Matt had thought that was funny because Alec said it. It would have been different if she had, of course. He’d suffered, though.

  She peeled off her T-shirt, but hesitated before removing her shorts. It wasn’t as if Alec hadn’t seen her in a swimsuit before; they’d gone to the beach half a dozen times in the past year. But it had been a while, with Alec living here in Angel Butte since March and she and the kids still in L.A. And—she’d become increasingly conscious of his body lately.

  He, of course, stripped without the slightest hesitation. The body revealed was not scrawny. In fact, he was more muscular than he looked dressed, when the effect he gave was long and lean. He was laughing at something Liana had said, leaving Julia to watch him unobserved. Dark hair dusted his chest and formed a line down his washboard stomach to the low-hanging waist of his board shorts. Muscles in his back flexed as he tossed his shirt aside, then made a mock lunge at Matt, who was surprised into a rare laugh. Julia felt a squeeze of astonishing, bittersweet joy at the sound.

  Alec looked back at her, an eyebrow raised. “You’re dawdling.”

  She rarely bothered wishing for a body she no longer had, after carrying and raising two children. Resigned, she unzipped her shorts and stepped out of them. Alec gave her one almost covert head-to-toe appraisal. A muscle jumped on his jaw and his eyes darkened, holding hers for a moment.

  Then they all walked to the water, Alec’s arm lying across Matt’s shoulders. “Last one in’s a coward,” he declared.

  Julia dipped a toe and squeaked at the icy temperature. “I’m a coward. Feel free to go ahead and leave me behind.”

  He laughed and advanced on her. She retreated, Liana giggling and even Matt looking...normal. A plunge into freezing waters was worth seeing that expression on his face.

  Even so, she bolted and ran, making it about three strides before Alec caught her. He swept her up and waded into the lake.

  “Don’t do this,” she begged. “Don’t...”

  The hard arms released her. The flash of his white teeth was the last thing she saw as she sailed through the air.

  “Aaah!” she screamed and hit the water. Her whole body curled in a spasm of horror. This was a high mountain lake, formed by snow runoff.

  She exploded back out of the water, but found herself nearly waist deep. Furiously splashing Alec, who was still laughing, she yelled, “I’ll pay you back for that! I swear I will!”

  Her son was laughing like a loon, her daughter trying to contain more laughter with a hand clapped over her mouth. Both barely had their feet wet.

  Alec turned and grinned at them. “Laugh, will you?” He made the face of a horror-movie villain and waded toward them. “I’ve only begun.”

  Matt dived in, emerging with the same expression Julia had no doubt had on her face. “It’s freakin’ cold.”

  Julia smiled evilly. “You get numb.”

  More gently, Alec chivied Liana in. At least the day was hot. The contrast felt blissful after a few minutes. Mostly egged on by Alec, they dived and played tag and floated until Julia noticed Liana was shivering. Matt, too, she realized. Neither of them had any body fat.

  They sprawled on their blanket, sharing chips and dip and each taking the sandwich prepared to suit his or her individual tastes. Julia renewed
her suntan lotion and urged it on everyone else, too. Matt, seeing that his uncle accepted a tube without hesitation, followed suit.

  Alec sprawled on his back, taking up more than his fair space. “How about a nap?” he suggested.

  “No!” Matt protested. “You said we could rent a kayak or something.”

  Alec groaned and laid a forearm over his eyes.

  “Tickle him,” Liana said, looking inspired.

  “Yeah!” Brother’s and sister’s eyes met in a rare moment of accord. The next minute Alec was fighting his way out of a two-pronged attack. He reared to his knees, Matt in a headlock and Liana dangling from beneath one arm. Laughing, Julia whisked food leftovers and drinks out of danger.

  “We could rent a kayak,” Liana suggested daringly. “You could nap.”

  “I want Uncle Alec to go,” Matt insisted. “I’d have to do all the paddling if I went with you.”

  “Uh-uh!”

  The battle was joined. Alec throttled the combatants into breathless, giggling defeat.

  “All right, you’ve woken me up. Julia?” He looked at her. “Kayak or paddleboard?”

  “I wouldn’t mind trying a paddleboard,” she decided. She’d been watching people a distance away standing on what looked like surfboards, but paddling. “It looks like fun.”

  “You’ll get dumped,” Alec warned.

  “Yes, but I’ve kayaked before. I want to try something new.”

  Her son frowned. “When have you kayaked?”

  “At home in Minnesota. It’s the land of ten thousand lakes, you know.”

  His forehead crinkled. “How come we never did it when we were visiting Granddad and Grandma?”

  “We’ve mostly gone for Christmas, remember? The lakes were frozen.”

  “Oh. Yeah.” She could see him trying to decide whether his mother had knowingly deprived him of a coveted experience. Apparently unable to decide, he turned back to Alec. “Well, I want to try it.”