All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  “All other issues aside,” Alec said slowly, “I can’t hold the job I do if I ever give in to something like this. We’ve seen what happens when someone leading a law-enforcement agency lacks a solid sense of integrity. It’s not somewhere either of us wants to go.”

  Colin growled his agreement, slapped a hand hard down on Alec’s desk, then pushed himself to his feet. “You’ll keep me up-to-date?”

  “I will.”

  Colin nodded and left.

  Alone, Alec stared, unseeing, at the closed door.

  Did he have the right to make this decision, even if Julia had agreed? What if they—faceless and malevolent—got to Matt or cheerful, innocent Liana? Or—and the thought filled him with horror—Julia? God knew he’d made morally ambiguous decisions as a police officer. Right and wrong were too often gray. But this... Could he live with himself if taking the high road resulted in one of the people he loved dying?

  No.

  And yet...

  His breath gusted out, and he scrubbed a hand roughly over his face.

  If any more bullets flew, they’d damn well better have his name on them.

  * * *

  DINNERTIME WAS SO STRAINED, Julia had no appetite, despite the fact that she hadn’t eaten much all day. She wasn’t alone; Liana, too, was quiet, her face pinched and the assessing glances she sneaked at everyone else anxious. She answered Alec’s questions about her day in monosyllables and pushed her food around on her plate just like Julia did.

  Matt had nothing at all to say. Alec appeared preoccupied and occasionally lapsed into silences during which she had the feeling he’d forgotten the rest of them were there. And yet, both males at the table were still somehow able to ingest large quantities of food despite their moodiness.

  For no known reason, that made her mad. Usually she liked feeding them. Tonight, she wanted to dump Matt’s dinner on his head, and maybe Alec’s, too, just to vent the turmoil that made her feel like a teakettle about to scream.

  Admittedly the past two days had been upsetting, but she’d had plenty of upsetting days these past couple of years. She was used to them. Worse, she couldn’t even identify most of the emotions tumbling inside her, far less understand them.

  Well, except one—anger. Most of which was aimed at her son, but she was startled to discover she harbored some for Alec, too. What she couldn’t figure out was why she was mad at him. She knew he was doing his best for them. He was the one on her side.

  But—oh, God—she had to blame someone for the disaster their so-hopeful move to small-town America was turning into, didn’t she? And tonight she felt petty enough to hold him and his job responsible.

  When Julia couldn’t stand it for another minute and judged they were all close enough to done anyway, she ordered, “Liana, you clear the table. Matt, your turn to clean the kitchen.”

  “Why do I have to?” he burst out.

  She stiffened. Oh, he so shouldn’t have chosen now to challenge her. “Did you cook?”

  His glare bounced off the force field of her anger.

  “Spend the day earning the money that puts food on the table?”

  He flicked a glance at his sister. “She didn’t, either,” he said spitefully, then mumbled something.

  Julia hid behind a veneer of calm. “What did you say?”

  He sneered. “You’re not working, either.”

  Alec had kept silent until then. Now his dark eyes narrowed on Matt’s face. “Watch it, buddy.”

  “It’s true!”

  Her simmer heading for a full boil, Julia held up a peremptory hand before Alec could say anything.

  “And yet somehow I’ve managed to feed and clothe you and pay for your sports equipment and your allowance and your baseball cards...” Her voice was rising and she didn’t care. “And your iPod and your video games and your—”

  Alec’s hand on her arm stopped her. She was shaking. Even Matt looked alarmed.

  “Do what I asked you to do,” she snapped and left the table, marching into the living room. Right this minute, she hated that the duplex was so small. She wanted to get a whole lot farther away from her son than the cramped quarters allowed.

  Alec followed her.

  “You might want to leave me alone right now,” she warned him.

  He had the gall to laugh. “A smart man would.”

  The look she turned on him should have seared his flesh. He kept smiling. His eyes were so kind, her anger began to deflate. She huffed and turned away from him, crossing her arms tightly around herself.

  “Let’s go next door,” he suggested.

  “Do we dare...?”

  “Why not?” He raised his voice. “Kids, your mom and I need to check out the work on my kitchen. We’ll be back in a little bit.”

  There was grumbling, which she was able to ignore.

  Some of the tension tightening her skin eased the minute they stepped outside.

  “Maybe we should consider adding an interior door between our units,” he suggested.

  Julia blinked. “That would look a little strange when we start renting the duplexes.”

  “We’ll make it a sturdy one that locks from both sides. It might be a selling point to friends or family who want to be side by side the way we do.”

  She did like the idea of having him even closer, in a way. “Maybe,” she said.

  He nodded. “I hope you don’t mind me not consulting you, but I hired a fencing company today. They’ll be out here to start day after tomorrow. We’re going with a solid, six-foot cedar fence. Right now, I won’t have the backyard split in half, but we can do that later to get ready for renters.”

  Julia nodded. “I’ll feel better when the kids are outside if they can’t be seen from the street.”

  “That’s the idea.” He unlocked and let them into his side of the duplex. “Coffee?”

  “Not for me.”

  He gestured at the leather sofa, one of the few pieces of furniture he’d bothered to have moved from his condo in California. After a minute she sat down.

  Still on his feet, he asked, “What’s up, Julia?”

  “What do you mean, what’s up? This has not been one of my all-time great weekends.”

  “No, but I’ve seen you a hell of a lot calmer when things were as bad or worse.” He still sounded patient, but unless she was imagining things, some exasperation was nibbling at that patience. He’d taken up a stance with his back to the brick fireplace.

  She opened her mouth to ask what could be worse, but snapped it closed. Being told her husband had died overseas and would be returned to her in a flag-draped coffin, that had been worse.

  “I had such hope!” she heard herself burst out. “I can’t believe everything’s gone so wrong.”

  “Matt packed whatever was bothering him and brought it along,” Alec conceded.

  “But somebody shot at him!”

  Alec’s lashes veiled his eyes. “Is this about my job?”

  She tried to stifle her anguish, but it leaked out anyway. “Of course it is! The families of insurance agents or...or doctors or carpenters aren’t endangered because of their jobs.”

  “I take responsibility,” he said so woodenly she couldn’t tell if he was hurt, mad or what. “I told you there’s more,” he added after a distinct pause.

  She’d almost been able to block out his mention of something else. “What?” she asked, apprehensive.

  “I had a call this morning from Pete Henderson of the U.S. attorney’s office.”

  All of her other fears receded, leaving this one standing in stark relief. “In California?”

  “Yeah. You know I’m going to be one of the principal witnesses against Roberto Perez.”

  Her heart drummed. She nodded. Roberto Pere
z was believed to head a major drug cartel that spanned the Mexican-American border. He was being tried for conspiracy to commit murder, however, not drug trafficking. Alec had been the arresting officer. At the time, he had been a sergeant in Homicide, not yet promoted to lieutenant. The delays had become so chronic, she had almost forgotten Alec’s warning when they moved to Oregon that sooner or later he’d have to go back to testify. She knew vaguely there were a couple of other trials he’d have to appear for, but this was the biggie—and the one that scared her. Which was why she’d blocked it out. Without Alec’s testimony, Perez might well walk, and he had plenty of resources to eliminate one inconvenient man.

  “They’re finally dragging the thing to trial. It opens the first week in August. They’re guessing they’ll need me down there three weeks from Monday.”

  “Oh, my God,” she whispered.

  “We knew it was coming.” Lines dug into his forehead. “I shouldn’t be gone more than a week or two.”

  “Tell me they’ll protect you adequately.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “And don’t you dare tell me you carry a gun and that’s plenty of protection.”

  His fleeting grin suggested she’d taken the words out of his mouth. “I’ll be met at the airport and kept in protective custody. The U.S. attorney’s office has wanted Perez for a long time. They value me.”

  “Good.” Protective custody sounded safe, didn’t it? Except— Her breath came short. “Oh, my God! What if someone is trying to kill you now, before you can be hustled away down there?”

  He didn’t so much as move and did that veiled-eye thing again. “The thought has crossed my mind.”

  Julia stared at him, aghast. “And you didn’t say anything?”

  “Seems more logical that the shots went with the phoned-in threats.”

  “But...” She had to think about that. “Could those be, I don’t know, a misdirection? You said Sheriff Brock seemed genuinely bewildered.”

  “That possibility, too, has occurred to me,” he admitted. “So far, I’ve gone with the odds.”

  “The odds are Roberto Perez wants you dead!”

  “Maybe.” He waggled a hand. “Maybe not. If I were assassinated right now, you think the FBI and damn near every other federal law-enforcement agency wouldn’t be on him and his outfit like stink on shit?” He grimaced. “Sorry. I don’t have to be crude.”

  Julia shook her head. She didn’t care about crude. “But you’d still be dead, and from what you’ve said, he’d likely get off.”

  “Temporarily.” He frowned at her. “Damn it, Julia, don’t look at me like that. What I think is if Perez was behind this, I’d be dead. People who work for him go for quick and dirty. Car bombs.” He shrugged. “This duplex isn’t impregnable. Someone could walk in in the middle of the night and put a bullet in my head before I so much as opened my eyes. What’s happening doesn’t feel professional to me. That’s why I’m leaning toward believing it’s got to do with the election and not the trial.”

  How could he sound so matter-of-fact when he was talking about his own death? Julia found she was shaking. Not Alec. Please, not Alec.

  His expression changed. “Julia?”

  Her fingernails bit into her palms. “You’re scaring me even more.”

  “Oh, damn.” He crossed the room in a couple of strides and crouched in front of her. Taking both her fisted hands in his, he squeezed. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. God, I’m sorry.”

  I love him. The desperate thought was followed by another. He’s not a safe man to love. How could she possibly have done this to herself a second time? He wasn’t Josh, he wasn’t like Josh, but Alec would never compromise to protect himself, either.

  “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

  “Yeah. I don’t like leaving you and the kids.” Those dark eyes wouldn’t let her look away. “But you know I have to do this.”

  Her head bobbed. She did know. Because she loved him, she would never ask him to compromise his integrity. Catch-22.

  “Have you told anyone here about the trial?”

  “In a general way, when I hired on. I haven’t told them the date has been set.”

  She gripped his hands. “You should have everyone in your department watching out for you. They need to know.”

  Again the lines in his face seemed to deepen, giving her an idea what he’d look like in ten years. If he survives that long. “You’re right,” he said finally, slowly. “I’m used to keeping my own counsel. But this is a case where more eyes are better.”

  “Promise.”

  “I promise.”

  “I can’t lose you,” she said, a catch in her voice.

  “Julia.” He said her name again, husky and raw, then stood, drawing her to her feet.

  She flung her arms around his neck and met his kiss with all the passion and fear and desperation in her.

  CHAPTER TEN

  FROM THE MOMENT their mouths touched, Alec knew only sensation and Julia. He was stunned to awareness that he’d held back the first time he kissed her; this time he couldn’t, not after the way she had flung herself at him. The other kiss had been a too-brief sample, a teaser. This was the real thing.

  After all the long months of believing he would have to live his life loving her but unable to touch, having her in his arms like this damn near broke him. He lifted her against him, tried to meld her petite, supple body into his even as he devoured her mouth. The astonishing part was that she kissed him back with as much fervor, as though she was as starved as he was. Alec’s hands were clumsy; one of hers dived into his short hair and, in holding on, pulled painfully. Their tongues tangled, their teeth bumped and, too quickly, his body was on the verge of combustion.

  Julia made little throaty sounds that drove him to greater desperation. Twice he drew back only long enough for each of them to suck in air before he captured her mouth again, or let her capture his, he didn’t know which.

  Her hair, rich, smooth silk, flowed through his fingers as he learned the shape of her skull. Her breasts had to be flattened against his chest, the way they strained together. There was nothing gentle and quiescent in the way she kissed him. Her tongue stroked his, her teeth grazed his lip, her hips rocked with his.

  Alec needed to be closer, to get inside her, as he’d never needed anything in his life. One hand had already found its way beneath her thin cotton shirt and stroked and kneaded her back, taut muscles and the delicate knobs of her spine. He wanted to enclose her breast but couldn’t make himself back off far enough to squeeze his hand between them.

  He lifted her, laid her back on the sofa. The glimpse he had of her face was intoxicating, the witchy swirl of gold and green in heavy-lidded eyes, lips swollen and damp from their kisses, color high over her beautiful cheekbones. Her head dropped back over his forearm, exposing the long, pure line of her throat. He groaned and first licked and then nipped, his teeth closing finally on the nerves and tendons between neck and shoulder.

  Her back arched. She whispered his name.

  The doorbell rang.

  Alec already hated the damn doorbell, a trilling series of notes. This had him swearing viciously under his breath. His knee was planted on the cushion and his whole body ached to lower itself onto Julia, to wrap her long legs around his hips, to grind himself against her until he could somehow get their clothing out of the way.

  The doorbell rang a second time.

  Julia went stiff beneath him. “The kids!”

  The first semirational thought he had was Thank God we haven’t put in a connecting door yet. One that had been standing unlocked.

  So aroused he was in pain, he levered himself off her and got to his feet, holding out a hand for her.

  “Just a minute,” he called, then took a good look at her.

  “You’d better,
uh, get in the bathroom and pull yourself together.” His voice sounded—unnatural. Raspy. He cleared his throat.

  She flinched and lifted her hands to her hair, in glorious disarray from his hands. He saw shock in her eyes. “Oh, no!” she whispered and fled.

  Oh, no? Did she regret that kiss? Alec wouldn’t let himself believe it. To be so powerful, it had to have been mutual. He couldn’t have deluded himself into believing she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

  Whoever was outside knocked.

  Crap. He ran his fingers through his hair, hoping it wasn’t standing in spikes, and started for the door. He willed his erection to subside. Liana wouldn’t notice it, he convinced himself, but Matt might. Which kid had come peremptorily calling? Or—damn—was this someone else altogether?

  Not the bad guys—they wouldn’t raise such a racket.

  By long habit Alec looked through the peephole and saw the top of a head crowned by a high ponytail wrapped in some kind of neon pink elastic.

  Liana, then.

  He opened the door, keeping partially behind it. “Hey. You couldn’t wait for your mom to come home?”

  Her face was teary. “Why didn’t you open the door? I waited and waited.”

  Because I was this close to getting your mom naked.

  “We were talking.” He nodded toward the short hall leading to the bedrooms and bath. The layout of his side of the duplex was identical to hers except in reverse, allowing their kitchens to back on each other. “Your mom’s in the bathroom. Come on in.”

  She sniffed pathetically. “Matt’s being mean to me.”

  Alec had to shake his head slightly, struggling to shift gears. From high emotion to patting a ten-year-old girl’s hand.

  Despite his dazed state, asking was automatic. “Mean, how?”

  He’d had to fall in love with a woman who had two kids.

  He loved them, too.

  Most of the time.

  “He says I act like I’m five years old and I still play with dolls and everyone at school will think I’m a baby.” Her lower lip thrust out, making her look undeniably childish. Which Alec wasn’t going to tell her.