All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  “Cabbages and kings,” Alec agreed, his tone light despite the near desperation in his eyes.

  “No, really,” Liana wanted to know.

  “Oh, you know Grandma Raynor called today, and I was telling Alec about it.”

  Her daughter frowned at him. “Don’t you talk to her? She’s your mom.”

  “Yes, I do.” The set of his shoulders relaxed as he smiled at Liana. “But she tells your mother different things than she tells me. Because they’re both women.”

  She pondered that. “Oh.”

  “Your mother was threatening to cut off my desserts,” he said, straight-faced. “She thinks I’m getting fat.”

  “I do not!” Julia exclaimed, laughing. “If anybody’s getting fat, it’s me. I’ll bet I’ve put on five pounds since we moved.”

  His gaze raked her. “Bet you haven’t.”

  “Uncle Alec’s not fat. Neither are you, Mommy.”

  Julia loved being called Mommy. Liana had stayed childish longer than Matt, but lately even she was transitioning to the more socially acceptable Mom.

  “I can’t believe you’re going into sixth grade,” she said with a sudden pang.

  “Are we really going back-to-school shopping soon?” her daughter asked eagerly.

  Alec laughed and pushed himself to his feet. “That’s girl talk. I’m going home.”

  Julia didn’t argue. She hated to see him go—but it was getting harder not to give herself away, to him and to the kids. Over Liana’s head, he and she said their good-nights, and, as happened so often now, their eyes said something else altogether.

  Come with me.

  You know I can’t. But, oh, I wish...

  * * *

  MATT WAS SULKINESS personified when he trailed behind Julia into the swimming-pool complex the next couple of mornings, but she thought Alec was right. The most dangerous thing she could do was leave him alone too much.

  Friday was the last day of the swim session, and close to the end of July, too. Partway through Liana’s lesson, Julia glanced at her son and saw an unfamiliar expression on his face.

  He was eying one of the instructors, a fresh-faced girl named Erica who might be sixteen or seventeen. Erica very likely wore a C-cup bra, which of course she didn’t have on right now. Instead, a skintight, racing-style swimsuit outlined her body. Matt was not looking at her face.

  Almost gulping, Julia convinced herself that any boy Matt’s age would be noticing girls as sexual beings. The fact that he was suggested he was actually heading into puberty, which—well, she didn’t know that it was good or bad, except increased hormone production might prompt his body into starting to grow, which would be a positive.

  She was so not equipped to handle any of this. A little boy, sure; a testosterone-ridden teenager, no. If Josh were here instead of her, she reflected, he would probably have clapped his son’s back, laughed and agreed that Erica was hot.

  The very thought made her wonder— But no. She had never let herself do that. She couldn’t have borne knowing he wasn’t faithful to her.

  Thank God for Alec.

  Julia felt a funny, warm glow of pleasure nestling in her chest. Alec would never betray his wife, sexually or in any other way. She didn’t know why she was so sure, but she was.

  I trust him, she thought, and it felt like free fall. Like Josh had once described skydiving—exhilarating, life-affirming, not terrifying the way it would be for her. That was what this felt like.

  A whistle blew sharply, recalling her from her reverie. She surfaced to find Matt staring suspiciously at her. She waited for him to ask what she’d been thinking about, but of course he didn’t. He couldn’t admit to any curiosity about her at all. It was like, she imagined, American soldiers in World War II thinking about the Japanese. Dehumanizing the enemy was essential.

  What a cheerful thought.

  “Matt,” she said impulsively, but she was looking at the back of his head now. After a moment, she said, “Never mind,” and went back to pretending to watch Sophie’s swim lesson.

  Liana emerged from the locker room and climbed the bleachers to join them, her hair wet and stringy, her swim bag bumping her leg.

  “Did you see me? Joannie said my dive was fantastic! She passed me to advanced. Look, here’s my certificate.”

  “I saw.” Julia admired the certificate and then patted the bleacher seat beside her. “Look, Sophie’s class is going off the diving board.”

  The ten-year-old gazed enviously. “I wish we could have.”

  Not ten for long, it occurred to Julia. Usually the birthday party would have been dreamed about and planned way longer in advance than this.

  “We’ll come back to a free swim,” she promised. “Hey, kiddo. What are we going to do for your birthday party this year?”

  Her small face lit. “Do you think we could go horseback riding? And then out for pizza or something?”

  “Who is we?”

  Besides Sophie, Liana wanted to ask Jenna from her swim class, and maybe Lauren from the swim class, too, ’cuz Liana liked her better than she had thought she did. And Sophie had had a friend over a couple of times and Liana liked her, too, so...

  Laughing, Julia agreed to all. So much for her social butterfly of a daughter’s fear that she wouldn’t make new friends after the move.

  If only Matt... He was hunched to show her not only the back of his head, but his entire back, as if he had to physically reject his sister and her cheerful adaptability, too. Matt apparently had made friends, Julia was reminded, if you could call them that; he’d gotten the marijuana somewhere. Alec had assumed the condoms were intended as bribes/payment. But after seeing the way her son studied the swim instructor, Julia wasn’t so sure. Matt might be starting to dream about using them.

  If so, she supposed she ought to be glad condoms were part of the dream.

  “I’ve got to get Lauren’s phone number,” Liana exclaimed, jumping off the bench to go clattering back down the bleachers in order to catch up with a copper-headed girl walking out with a woman whose hair was the same color.

  When, a minute later, the mother turned to look toward Julia, she smiled and waved, and got a smile in return. Then Julia had to applaud after Sophie leaped off the high dive and came up looking anxiously toward the bleachers. Her grin was as big as Liana’s had been a minute ago at the idea of a horseback-riding birthday party.

  I could be truly happy here in Angel Butte, Julia realized, if only Matt weren’t so miserable.

  Of course, she’d probably have considered herself happy back in L.A. if it hadn’t been for Matt. Sort of happy, because Alec had never kissed her.

  Would he ever have, if they hadn’t moved in next door to each other?

  * * *

  SOPHIE HAD DINNER with them that evening, and Alec listened patiently to the two girls’ excited descriptions of the final swim lesson in this session, their voices leapfrogging over each other.

  “...this huge splash!”

  “You should have seen me...”

  From there, they progressed to telling him their plans for the great birthday party. Liana would be eleven on August 3.

  “I think we should just skip it,” he decided. “You can stay ten. Eleven, hey, I’m not so sure about that.”

  His niece planted her hands on her hips despite being seated and gave him a reproachful look that reminded him of one from her mother’s repertoire. “Uncle Alec! That’s silly!”

  “I guess it is.” He smiled at her. “Okay, I guess we’ll do it.”

  “And my birthday’s on Saturday this year, so I can have the party on my birthday instead of after.”

  Man, he’d have hated to miss it. If her birthday had been the next weekend, he wouldn’t have been able to be here. That would have sucked. Bet
ween work and distance, he’d only been able to make it to a few of their birthday parties over the years. The first for each—he remembered Matt’s most vividly, his astonished gaze focusing on the lit candle atop the cupcake as his mom moved it in front of him and whispered, “Let’s blow it out together, Mattie.” She’d puffed up her cheeks and waited until he did the same. “Ready? Blow!” With a huge grin, Josh had been snapping pictures as fast as he could.

  With a spasm of grief, Alec wished his brother was here to see his little girl growing into a young lady, even if that meant Alec would never have what he wanted.

  Julia couldn’t know what he was thinking, but she watched him with an expression that suggested she knew something was wrong. He smiled ruefully at her and gave her hand lying on the tabletop a squeeze. Matt’s eyes narrowed to slits. Alec summoned a grin for the boy that seemed to ease the suspicion.

  Reluctant as he was to think about it, he asked himself how Matt would react to his mother and uncle hooking up. There was a time Alec would have assumed all would be good, but that was before Matt had turned on him and said with such ferocity, “You’re not my father.”

  Uneasiness stirred in Alec, but also grim determination. Whether Matt liked it or not, they were a family. It wasn’t as if Alec was asking them to forget their father or to call him Dad in Josh’s place.

  After dinner the two giggling girls went off to Liana’s room, and Alec said tonight he’d let Matt off the hook and clean the kitchen. Julia, of course, leaped up and started trying to clear the table.

  Alec removed the pile of plates from her hands. “Sit. You did your share. Now it’s my turn.”

  With one last disbelieving look, Matt fled. They both heard his bedroom door close, but at least he didn’t slam it.

  Twice more, Alec had to dissuade Julia from helping. Finally she followed him to the kitchen and perched on a step stool to watch him rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

  “See? I’m capable. Haven’t broken anything yet.”

  “But you’re the only one of us who worked all day.” She seemed to ponder that for a moment. “Did anything new or different happen today? You seemed in a funny mood at dinner.”

  “We had a really ugly domestic-violence situation.” He grimaced. “Standoff for a good part of the day.” He described the neighborhood and background as he started washing pans, ignoring the yellow plastic gloves Julia usually donned. The skin on his hands would never be lily-soft, no matter what.

  “I stopped by a couple of times,” he went on. “I didn’t hover, but I also hadn’t had a chance to see how my people handled something like this. As it turned out, our negotiator did a first-rate job, considering she can’t have had that much experience. I was afraid the husband would react negatively to the negotiator being a woman, but her gender didn’t seem to make any difference to him. She eventually persuaded him to put down the gun and come out. The wife...” He hesitated, remembering the battered face. “She’s not in such good shape. Apparently he’d decided she was cheating on him.”

  “Do they have children?”

  “Yeah, that’s what made it especially ugly. The two-year-old was home and crying for what seemed all day. Getting the guy increasingly stressed. Not to mention all the officers listening in.” He shook his head, ready to think about something else. “I also heard from a couple of city council members who’d read my proposal. Both claimed to be persuaded.”

  “Were they in your yes column already?”

  He turned off the water and dried his hands. “Unfortunately. Not a peep from Greig or Miller.”

  She smiled. “You feel confident anyway.”

  He realized she was right. “I guess I do. They have to be idiots to vote no. If they don’t go for this, one way or another we’ll take the campaign to the voters, and several of the council members happen to be running for reelection in November.”

  “Do you dare go to the voters yourself?”

  “No, I can’t directly politick, but I can damn sure find a way to put a bug in the ear of any opponent to one of the wrongheaded council members. And that’s assuming potential opponents won’t already be attending Tuesday night’s council meeting, where they’ll hear my brilliant speech and see the vote tally for themselves.”

  Julia had an odd expression. “You sound energized. As though you’re enjoying this part of your job.”

  He hadn’t thought of it in those terms, but... “I guess I am. Good thing, too. I don’t belong in this role if I can’t represent the department effectively.”

  Her smile was soft. “You amaze me every day.”

  She’d give him a swelled head if he didn’t watch it. “What brought that on?”

  “I don’t know. I just—” She broke off, lines appearing on her forehead. “Today I kept thinking how lucky we are to have you.”

  To keep his hands off her, he made a production of hanging up the towel. “Any particular context?”

  “Oh...” She stole a look down the hall. “Matt was, um, all but drooling over one of the swim instructors. Who is very buxom, poor girl.”

  “Poor girl?” Alec asked with a grin.

  Julia made a face then continued her thought. “It’s the first time I’ve seen him look at a girl that way.”

  “That’s not unexpected,” he said, although this little story wasn’t what he’d expected her to say.

  “No, but how am I supposed to deal with it?”

  “If you had a good relationship, I doubt you’d have any trouble. You probably would have teased him, he’d have blushed, and later he might ask you some questions.”

  “Would you have teased him?”

  Something troubled her about what seemed to him to be a fairly innocent moment of awakened sexuality on her son’s part. Instead of confronting that directly, he said, “No, I probably wouldn’t have commented at all unless he said something.”

  “What if he’d asked if you thought the girl was hot?”

  “What does it matter what I might have said? You can’t react the way I might.”

  “No-o.” Julia drew the word out. “I just had this picture of Josh—” She didn’t want to finish.

  Alec felt an uncomfortable mix: jealousy, because she was again summoning his brother, and curiosity. Whatever Julia was looking for, it mattered to her.

  “I’d have tried to be tactful without getting too enthusiastic,” he said. “When I was Matt’s age, it would have grossed me out if my father was checking out the same girl I was. I might have said something like, ‘Yeah, she’s pretty. If I were your age, I’d definitely be looking, too.’”

  “Oh.” Julia’s relaxation was subtle but noticeable, making him even more curious.

  “What did you think, I was a dirty old man?” he asked, caught between amused and annoyed.

  “No.” She sighed. “I suppose I thought any guy would be going, ‘Oh, hey, yeah.’ I’m sorry.”

  Alec ignored the apology. “How old is this girl?”

  “Um...sixteen? Seventeen?”

  He shook his head. “I think I’m offended.”

  “Really?”

  “A little bit.”

  “I didn’t think...”

  “No, you didn’t. I want you,” he said flatly. “You and no one else. It has been one hell of a long time since I’ve so much as glanced at another woman, far less a...a kid, for God’s sake.”

  Her eyes were wide, that swirl of color. “You mean, you haven’t, um, been...?”

  “No,” he said irritably. He’d been seeing a woman right before Josh died. Seeing. What a euphemism, for a relationship that had been, for him, all about sex. After Julia called him that night, her voice both blank and stunned, he didn’t think he’d so much as returned Elise’s calls, which probably made him a shit. He was surprised he even remembered
her name. “Once you needed me—”

  Her mouth trembled. “Oh, Alec.”

  He groaned, “Come here, sweetheart.”

  She stepped into his arms naturally, as if that was where she belonged. Her expression was still remorseful. “Alec, I’m having trouble believing...”

  “You are beautiful.” He gave her a little shake. “You’re also kind, gentle, graceful and loving. I like when you stand up to me or one of the kids, but I also like the soft way you touch one of them sometimes, as if you don’t even have to consciously know they need reassurance. You do the same to me, too, lately.” His voice had grown hoarse. “I like the way you come to me when you’re troubled, and listen to me when I am. I can’t imagine not wanting all that. Do you understand?”

  She nodded, teardrops shimmering on her eyelashes. “Yes.”

  “Quit doubting.” He bent his head, not thinking, only wanting. As if she felt the same, she rose on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his. He could no more have kept himself from kissing her than he could from going to her that night she had called and told him about Josh before, for the first time ever, saying that she needed him. He nipped at her mouth, small, biting kisses, stroked her lips with his tongue, gripped her ass with one hand to help lift her—and let himself be oblivious to his surroundings.

  A scrape of sound was his first warning. Alec lifted his head. Too late.

  Matt stood not ten feet away, his face contorted with rage and hurt. “I guess you had to pretend you wanted to be my father so you could sleep with her!” he yelled. Whirling, he ran for the front door.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ALEC MOVED FAST.

  Shocked, momentarily disoriented, Julia couldn’t have reached Matt in time. Alec had his hand flat on the door while Matt fought to turn the knob, screaming incoherent words.

  Heart pounding, she followed them into the living room. “Matt...”

  He tried to run again, this time toward the bedrooms, but Alec grabbed him and held on while he struggled like a wildcat, yelling, “I hate you both! I hate you! I hate you!”