The First Last Kiss

by Ali Harris

  ‘Mia LIKE-A!’ Gaz says with a guffaw. Mia looks at me, looks at him, then rolls her eyes and rolls onto her front gracefully, resting her cheek on her hands, in the opposite direction. Gaz walks round to the other side and continues to bamboozle her with chatter.

  Carl steps forward next and lifts his hand in a laid-back salute. ‘I’m Carl, Ryan’s bigger, better-looking, more successful brother.’

  Ryan looks at me, looks at Carl, and then rugby tackles him into the sand. At which point, Carl, who is a foot taller and at least a stone heavier than Ryan, lifts him cleanly over his shoulder, runs down to the shore and throws him into the sea.

  We all crack up laughing.

  ‘Hey,’ Carl grins when he returns with Ryan close behind. ‘Where are you girls going tonight? Do you fancy all meeting up at a bar later?’

  ‘Well, we’ve got plans for a quiet dinner actually . . . ’ I begin but I’m drowned out.

  ‘We’d love to!’ Casey pulls my ear to her mouth and whispers, ‘We didn’t come here to have quiet dinners!’ and she raises her eyebrow suggestively.

  ‘Mia?’ I ask, not wanting to agree to anything on the girls’ holiday without everyone’s consent.

  She slowly looks at each of the boys in turn from under the rim of her hat, taking her time to slowly and unashamedly appraise them. Then she lies back down slowly. ‘If we must.’

  ‘Looks like I’m outvoted,’ I laugh. Ryan smiles at me and as the sun beams down on us, suddenly it feels like all my summers have come at once.

  It’s the last night of our holiday and Casey, Mia and I are sitting in the Café del Mar, gazing contentedly across the beach at the horizon beyond. The sun is a ball of burning amber high up in the sky – we got here early and managed to get a table so we can enjoy the sun setting on our last day. We’ve had a brilliant week. Ryan and his mates are the only people we’ve hung around with since I bumped into him on my lilo. It’s become our nightly ritual to meet up with them. And clearly bored of Spanish men, Casey soon turned her attentions to someone closer to home – Carl. He resisted for a while, but like most men, the offer of a no-strings night with a girl like Casey was just too hard to turn down. Not that she believed it was that. She even said we could end up being sisters-in-law.

  ‘Wouldn’t that be amazing, Molly?’ She’d giggled one night in the hotel room after we’d spent the evening with them all. ‘Imagine us married to the Cooper boys! We’d have the same surname – Casey Cooper does kind of have a ring to it, dontcha think?’

  I didn’t like to point out that Carl has avoided her all day and Ryan hadn’t actually even made a move on me. I don’t know why. I mean, it’s not like there haven’t been opportunities. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s been playing me all week. Or if he’s interested in someone else entirely. I make this point to Casey and she swivels her head towards me.

  ‘Do you think? Well, I guess it’s possible, I mean, Ibiza is full of pretty girls, but I presumed . . . ’ Her sentence tails off, I’m not sure if she’s just lost interest in the subject, or she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

  ‘I can’t believe it’s our last night,’ Mia says, lifting her margarita glass to her lips and taking a long sip. She looks beautiful in white jeans and a barely-there, bright-pink handkerchief top with little mirrored sequins sewn on that shows off her newly acquired belly-button piercing, which Casey convinced her to get done. After a rocky start, by approximately day three Mia and Casey had called a cease-fire on their snarking at each other and had bonded over their mutual desire for male attention. They were the wild girls and I was the prude who cramped their style. I didn’t mind. At least it meant they were getting on.

  ‘Back to reality soon,’ Casey sighs.

  ‘Not for Mia,’ I say enviously. ‘She’s about to jet across the world.’

  Mia smiles at me. ‘I’ve said you could always come with me.’

  I think back regretfully to the grand plans we made whilst at uni. Our Life Lists. Our plans to travel the world together, to live in Sydney . . . but I realize it was just a pipe dream. When push comes to shove, I’m not the rebel who’ll take a risk. When I told Mia that I wouldn’t be coming, she was gutted. But it didn’t change her mind about going as I suppose I’d hoped it would. I’m going to miss her beyond belief. I can’t imagine living in London without her, but I know she’s made the right decision. I’m just not sure if I have. Too late now though.

  I smile sadly. ‘You know I’d love to, but I’ve got the Holy Grail for a student with debts to pay off – an actual job! I’d be crazy to turn it down.’

  ‘Yeah well,’ Casey says defensively as if trying to compete with our circumstances. ‘You can keep your fancy Australia travels, I don’t reckon anywhere is better than Leigh-on-Sea anyway. I won’t ever leave.’

  And the sad thing is I know she won’t, but not because she doesn’t want to, because she’s too scared. I’m just determined that the same doesn’t happen to me.

  I spot the boys walking towards us. Casey flaps manically at them and Mia raises a perfectly manicured hand. I take a sharp intake of breath as I see Ryan walking towards me. He’s wearing a white shirt with the last couple of buttons left undone above his belt. The breeze lifts and parts the shirt slightly to reveal a hint of bronzed stomach. I gulp.

  ‘Alright Princess,’ Gaz says, giving Mia a wink as he slides into a seat next to her and plants a kiss on her neck. Mia rolls her eyes, but kisses him back anyway. They got togehter on the first night we went out. He looks around the table. ‘You all look blinding.’

  ‘Thanks Gaz,’ I smile as I look at the rest of the guys, avoiding eye contact with Ryan as I know I’ll blush, but he leans over anyway and I feel the hairs prickle on my neck as he comes closer.

  ‘He’s right, you really do,’ he whispers. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve taken extra special care over my appearance. My long, yellow silk sundress slides over my body perfectly, the delicate straps showing off my tanned shoulders, and my hair has turned golden in the sun. For the first time I feel beautiful and I know that’s down to Ryan. The frisson between us has been building all week but neither one of us has made a move. There have been meaningful looks and hands brushing as we walk, but nothing else. I don’t know if it’s our past history stopping us, or circumstance, but it’s like we’re scared of what might happen if we do actually kiss again. It could either be amazing – or awful, and neither of us seems to be willing to take that chance. I don’t know about him, but from the moment I met Ryan he got under my skin in a way I never thought possible. Seeing him here and spending the last week with him has only made it worse. He makes me feel sick with excitement and sick with uncertainty. A big part of me wants to run as far away as I can because I’m not ready to find him. I’m only just beginning my life plan. But at the same time I’m utterly paralysed by him. When I’m with him I can’t imagine wanting anything other than him, forever.

  When the sun finally disappears and the sky turns a deep purple, Ryan leans in towards me.

  ‘Do you fancy going for a walk?’ he whispers. Everyone else is still facing the horizon, drinking and chatting and enjoying the ambience. I smile and nod as he takes my hand under the table. Only Casey turns and spots us. She raises her eyebrow at me and I cock my head and shrug, biting my lip and smiling to show my nerves and pleasure before turning our backs on them.

  ‘I want to take you to this little place I found, a beach that isn’t as hectic as here,’ Ryan says, still holding my hand. ‘It’s about a fifteen-minute walk away, is that OK?’

  I nod. At this point in time I feel like if he said it’d take fifteen days, I’d walk it with him.

  ‘What a crazy week it’s been, eh,’ he laughs as we stroll comfortably alongside each other. Well, comfortably apart from the ringing in my ears, the pounding of my heart, the shaking of my hands and legs. Other than that, I’m completely relaxed in his presence. ‘I still can’t believe I bumped into you on that lilo.’

  He
turns to face me. I don’t know what to say, all knowledge of words and speech seems to have disappeared. The balmy island air – and perhaps something else – wraps us in what feels like an impenetrable bubble of heat. We finally arrive at a tranquil little bay, nestled into the craggy cliffs that couldn’t be more different to the bustling hubbub of Calo des Moro.

  ‘Are we here?’ I say, looking around in delight.

  Ryan nods. ‘This is called Cala Gracio,’ he replies. ‘It’s one of a pair of bays that I found when I was windsurfing today. The other one’s just round there.’

  ‘What are you waiting for, slowcoach!’ I duck under his arms and run across the beach towards the shoreline, squealing as he chases me. Just as I reach the edge of the glistening, moon-kissed water, I turn and he lifts me clean off my feet and into his arms and gazes up at me, his blue eyes fixed determinedly on mine. He slides me back down through his arms so my feet are back on solid ground, but I still feel like I am floating.

  He bends down suddenly and picks something up. He opens my hand and places it in my palm.

  ‘This is the first precious thing I’m going to give you,’ Ryan says solemnly. ‘I promise it won’t be the last.’

  I look at the beautifully fragile shell shimmering in my hand and close my fingers around it. Then he wraps his arms around me. He pulls away and I open my eyes. He strokes my cheek, his fingers softly tracing my jawline and he leads me along the shore of the bay, clambering over rocks together, our feet leaving footprints that glisten like diamonds until we get to a second, smaller bay. There’s no one here.

  ‘I’m going to kiss you now, Molly Carter,’ he says. And as his soft, warm lips melt into mine, his tongue flickering gently like the waves that lap melodically at my feet, I feel like the world has stopped turning and that it is we who are swirling around and around, totally at one with each other and the sea that encompasses us. I feel like I am drowning but I’m not scared.

  3.09 p.m.

  I’m sitting in the kitchen, silently turning the shell over and over in my hand. I look at it, then over at the TV that is still paused on the final frame of the DVD. I fold my hand around the shell, go into the lounge and eject the film from the player. I unplug it all so Bob can put it in the remaining box, marked ‘Storage’. I go to put the DVD back in its box then take it into the kitchen, where my laptop still sits. I slide it in the hard drive. I know I should pack this away now, it’s getting close to that time but I think I just need one more little fix. Then I’ll be done. I’m about to press play when the doorbell rings and I jump guiltily. Mum. Gazing wildly around, I realize that the place is actually looking pretty sorted and it’s with some relief that I head to the front door. Thirty-three and that woman can still make me feel thirteen. That’s power.

  A small, grinning, bright-eyed woman is beaming up at me.

  ‘Nanny Door!’ I exclaim joyously, and I throw my arms around her before helping her over the front step. ‘What are you doing here? I was coming over to see you later. I wanted to have a last cup of tea at your place, for old times’ sake.’

  ‘Well, I thought you could make a brew for a change, doll!’ Nanny smiles cheekily, slipping off her fur coat and matching hat. Her bright blue eyes are undiminished even though her body is shrinking and her hearing not quite as good as it used to be. ‘Besides, I had something I wanted to bring you.’

  I frown at her. ‘Not another gift, Nanny, you’ve already given me something. I’m really looking forward to watching Big Brother: The best bits DVD on my laptop on the plane.’

  ‘Ooh yeah, you’ll have a right giggle at that,’ she says, shuffling into the kitchen. I follow her and pop the kettle on as she sits at the Formica table.

  ‘Oof, legs are bloody useless these days,’ she says, rubbing her calf muscles.

  ‘Well, if you will insist on wearing killer heels, Nanny,’ I smile, glancing at her pink court shoes. ‘Tamara Mellon has got nothing on you.’

  ‘Tamara’s Mellons?’

  ‘No, Nanny,’ I laugh. ‘Tamara Mellon. She’s like the brand ambassador for Jimmy Choo.’

  ‘Jimmy Who?’

  ‘Never mind!’ I busy myself making the tea.

  ‘Anyway, doll, as I was saying, I wanted to give you something. Lydia told me what you did earlier . . . ’

  I swing around quickly, suddenly horrified that I may have upset or offended her. ‘Oh, Nanny Door, I hope you didn’t mind too much? You know how precious that ring is to me, but giving it to Lydia felt like, well it felt the right thing to do.’ I sit down next to her, putting the two cups of tea in front of us. I have lost count of how many I’ve drunk today.

  She pats my hand, her eyes watering slightly. ‘Molly, I understand, ’course I do. But I also know how hard that must have been for you. That’s why I wanted to give this to you instead.’ She pulls out a blue velvet box and slides it over the table towards me.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Open it and find out,’ she smiles.

  I open the box slowly. Inside is a silver St Christopher, slightly tarnished with age but otherwise in perfect condition. I look up at her quizzically, tears prickling my eyes already.

  ‘It was given to me by my grandmother when I was a very little girl,’ Nanny says. ‘St Christopher is the patron saint of travel . . . ’ She pauses and grips my hand. ‘I know you already have someone looking after you, well, two people actually . . . lucky girl.’ I smile and swipe away a tear. ‘But I wanted you to know that I’ll always be thinking of you, OK, swee’dheart?’ I nod, unable to speak. ‘Now,’ she continues, ‘I’m an old bird so I have to think about these things rationally. I may not see you again in my lifetime, Molly dear. But if you keep this close by you’ll know that I’ll always be looking down on you, too.’

  I can’t speak so I throw my arms around her and sob. After everything that happened I struggled to maintain my relationship with most of his direct family. It was just too hard. Nanny Door was the one I couldn’t bear to let go of. Our relationship is even stronger now, five years later, than it was then and this goodbye is the one I’ve really been dreading.

  We’re interrupted by Bob who pokes his head into the kitchen. ‘We need to do in here next, luv, then we’re all done, awight?’

  Nanny Door pulls a raggedy tissue out of her bag and dabs my eyes and smiles at me reassuringly.

  ‘Yes, of course, guys!’ I say. ‘Don’t mind us!’

  I look at Nanny Door, who is pulling herself to her feet. I stand up too and she slips her arm around me and squeezes me as we walk towards the front door. She pulls on her coat and looks up at me. ‘Now, no more tears. We’ve had more than enough of those for one lifetime.’ She smiles brightly and puts her hand on my cheek. ‘You deserve endless happiness, dear Molly.’ And with that, she shuffles out the door.

  The After The Honeymoon Kiss

  It was only after Ryan left that I realized how much of my life was inextricably linked to him. I’m not just talking about the pictures and possessions in our home, you know, the CD and DVD collections, but places too. Our local pub, The Crooked Billet and our favourite Thai restaurant on The Broadway all had signs that said ‘us’ when now it was only ‘me’. Then there was ‘our bench’ on The Green where we’d shared many a kiss, Rossi’s in Southend where we’d had our first date. Even Hadleigh Castle, the place that had soothed my troubled self as a teen, was no longer an option to comfort my broken heart. Then there were the friends we shared who no longer knew how to be a friend to just one of us. Our families. For a long time I clung to everything and everyone I possibly could – no matter how uncomfortable it made me or them. I’d cradle a glass of wine for hours at ‘our table’ in the pub ignoring the pitying glances thrown my way. When I wasn’t round their house I’d phone Ryan’s mum and wail about how much I still loved him, angrily thrashing out at her because he’d left me. I clung on to it all because I was so scared of what would be left if I let go. But gradually, with time, it became easier to pack away ev
erything to do with Ryan in boxes marked ‘the past’. And in the end there were only two things I couldn’t let go of. Nanny Door and ‘our film’. I know one day I’ll have to say goodbye to them both. Just not yet. I’m not ready yet.

  FF>> 11/10/06>

  ‘Viva magazine,’ I answer the phone robotically, zoning out as the PR on the other end of the line begins to talk. It’s fair to say that I haven’t been as . . . focused on my job since Ryan and I returned from our incredible honeymoon. I gaze at the photo that’s taken pride of place on my desk since we came back six months ago. It’s of Ryan and me lying on the Franz Josef glacier on New Zealand’s South Island. We’re wrapped up like Michelin men in our snow clothes, pink cheeks pressed against each other, our eyes glistening like the ancient ice formation we are lying on, having just explored the spectacular caves and pinnacles of the icefall terrain.

  We expected that with all his climbing experience and general athletic tendencies, Ryan would show me up, but in fact he’d spent half the time on his arse. He was tired after all the skiing he’d done in Queenstown whilst I was lazing about in the spa, but it didn’t stop me ribbing him. ‘Is it possible to get a marriage refund?’ I’d laughed, after he’d slid over in front of me for the seventh time. ‘I thought I was marrying a young, fit, sporty man, not this uncoordinated shambles in front of me!’

  ‘It’s because I’m still hung-over after all that wine tasting you made me do the other day!’ Ryan had spluttered, using my legs to pull himself up again on his snow spikes. ‘I’m not used to it . . . ’

  ‘Excuses, excuses,’ I’d said as I’d gone to help him up, but he’d pulled me down instead and we’d lain there, with our arms round each other laughing while I took one of our favourite holdy-out pictures.

  Our honeymoon was the perfect balance of us both. It had all the exhilaration that Ryan required; we’d scaled glaciers, flown in helicopters and kayaked across lakes. We’d been on adrenaline-bursting hikes and seen spectacular lakes and national parks surrounded by vistas almost too beautiful to contemplate. We did a skydive in Wanaka, something that had never been on my Life List but Ryan told me it was no scarier than falling in love, you just had to surrender your trust to someone else and to the elements. He was right. I’m so glad I did it. He makes me do things I never dreamed I would.