Secret

by McKenna, Lindsay

  She noted his hesitation and said, “Want some butterscotch cream pie later? Got pecans as a topping over it. It’s freshly made. I’ve got whipped cream, too.”

  His mouth watered. He was starved for good ole Texas home cooking. The last five months had been hell on Earth for him. “Sure, if it’s not too much trouble, Mattie.” He saw her roll her eyes, that little girl grin creeping across her lips.

  “Oh, you are such a shadow in my life, Mark Reuss!”

  He could hear the lilt of happiness in her tone as she went back to the fridge and pulled out the pie. Mattie was actually happy he was here! That shocked him because his last meeting with her, when Tal Culver was present just before Christmas, hadn’t gone well at all. That was another thing he loved about Mattie—her ability to forgive and move on. She never held a vengeful thought or wanted to get even with someone who had hurt her, either—not like him.

  “Are you getting ready to go back to kindergarten after this ice front passes?” he asked. He knew Mattie’s schedule well because he’d kept up with her life while he was away in the Corps. Sage had always filled him in when they had their Skype talks and exchanged emails. He knew that Sage had somehow sensed he loved her. Mark didn’t know how, but Sage was amazingly psychic.

  He raptly watched Mattie cut the pie for him. He was a sucker for a woman who could cook, and warm, lovable Mattie hit all the marks. His mother, Migisi, had been a full-blooded Chippewa Indian and had died birthing Sage when he was only two years old.

  Mark had no memories of her, only a few photos that he treasured. Neither he nor Sage had known a woman’s nurturing, maternal care, or her love, as a consequence. Instead, Jeb’s out-of-control anger, his alcoholism, and his abuse had darkened their lives.

  Watching Mattie move efficiently back and forth in the kitchen, he ached for her. She was his dream woman, the only female he’d dared to dream about. She had stolen his heart since the first grade, and still held it—unknowingly—in her hands.

  And now, Mark thought, I’m home again, like the proverbial bad penny showing up in her life once more. He wanted to stay in Van Horn and make a life for himself, but could he? He had thought he could after leaving the military, but five months ago the DEA had contacted him asking for his help on a special undercover mission.

  Prior to that, he had been working at the Cavenaugh Ranch as a wrangler, making ends meet. He had lived in a bunkhouse with five other men, but found himself having a tough time making the transition from military to civilian life again. It was tougher than he’d expected because of his frequent PTSD symptoms.

  He was now twenty-nine and lonely as hell. Wolfishly, he watched Mattie with a hungry gaze, remembering how upset she’d been when they were eighteen and he’d boarded the bus in Van Horn for El Paso. She’d looked as if he’d gutted her. And he had, emotionally, but he’d been just as devastated as he watched her from the back window while the bus pulled away.

  And now he was back. Again. What he wanted and what life gave him were probably aimed in two different directions. He wanted Mattie for life, but he knew he was a poor bet. Mattie deserved someone other than the dark bastard who would appear in her life, only to disappear again.

  CHAPTER 4

  Mattie put a plate of steaming food before Mark and watched as he ate like a starving animal. Her heart swelled with happiness as she watched him relax, his shoulders easing, his strained expression slowly being replaced by one of deep pleasure as he appreciatively gulped down her food.

  As he finished, Mattie left her cup of coffee on the table and went to the refrigerator to retrieve dessert. No longer depressed, she felt a thrumming joy so deep and pure, she allowed herself to flow along with the sense of joy enveloping her.

  She knew it was all about Mark being here at long last. They had been inseparable as childhood buddies, and had done everything together. Their joy at being together would only be marred by her discovery of a new bruise on his body when his father would beat him, bringing her to tears. In fact, Mattie lost track of how many times she discovered a bruise or a place where his skin had been torn open. His wounds were always hidden by his jeans or the long-sleeved shirts he wore—Jeb made sure of that.

  As she turned to bring Mark his pie, she froze for a moment. He was sitting in the chair, staring hard at her, a hungry look in his eyes. At her age, she knew that look. Swallowing hard, she brought over two pieces of pie, setting one plate in front of him and one on her side of the table.

  “Thanks,” he mumbled, his expression changing to one of gratitude. “Dinner was great, Mattie. You’re such a fine cook,” he told her between huge bites of the sweet concoction.

  Again, he ate as if he’d been deprived of decent food for months. Mattie wanted to ask him what kind of job he’d had that had turned him into a gaunt version of the man she’d known for years. Even his cheeks had hollowed out, indicating his severe weight loss. She didn’t feel like eating, her feelings tamping down her hunger, but forced herself to do so anyway.

  “That was damned good pie, Mattie. Thank you.”

  She warmed beneath his compliment as he stood and picked up all the empty dishes. “You’re welcome. Hey, you don’t have to do that, Mark. I can clear the table in a minute. Come sit and talk to me?”

  “A long time ago, while eating at a certain ten-year-old girl’s ranch house, I was told that the cleaning crew consisted of those who hadn’t done the cooking.”

  She chuckled. “Guilty as charged. I guess I figured your mom had taught you that rule.” She saw his eyes grow sad for a moment. “I know you still miss her,” she said softly. “Growing up without a mother is something I just can’t begin to imagine and how it impacted you and Sage.”

  In response, Mark walked over to the coffee dispenser and picked up the pot, bringing it to the table. “Want a warm-up?” he asked, holding it near her empty cup.

  “Yes, thanks,” Mattie whispered, caught off guard by his thoughtfulness. Automatically, she inhaled the mingled scents of medicinal chaparral and wet desert clinging to his clothing. He wore a dark-blue, cotton cowboy shirt beneath that sheepskin coat he’d hung up by the front door earlier. The Levi’s he was wearing outlined the power of his long legs and narrow hips and made her lower body throb with need.

  She had never gone to bed with Mark. In their high school days, they’d gone as far as kissing, but that was it. Mark had always held himself in tight check with her. That hadn’t been Mattie’s wish, but he was a man of lasting integrity and honor. He would never take her to bed before marrying her. In that way, Mark was old-fashioned. They had talked a lot about getting married when they were teenagers, but later she realized they’d been too young and innocent to do so. All they knew was that they always needed to be together, touching, and holding each other’s hands all through their junior year in high school. Everyone smiled and called it “puppy love.”

  Mark poured himself some of the remaining coffee and took the pot back to the machine sitting on the counter. “You look good, Mattie. Teaching must agree with you.” He sat down opposite her, sliding his large, calloused hands around the white mug.

  “I’m doing okay,” she admitted, giving him a half smile. “I like teaching English to Spanish-speaking children. They catch on so fast and are so eager to learn the language.”

  “You have a way with them, Mattie, because you make learning fun,” he agreed, sipping his coffee. “You always did. I think you’d be a natural mom, too.”

  “I love all the kids I teach,” she admitted, giving him a shy look. Mattie could actually visualize their children. Let’s face it, there were many times she had imagined Mark and herself married with a brood of three or four children. The longings she normally found easy to suppress now surged through her body, and Mattie didn’t know whether to weep, scream, or do both.

  She had always known that Mark was the most frustrating person she’d ever met. She couldn’t really blame him for his terrible childhood, or for running away from the ranch an
d joining the Marine Corps at eighteen. She would support anything he needed to do to escape Jeb’s beatings.

  But when he got out of the military and returned home, she had hoped they would resurrect the strong feelings they had shared in high school so they could share a future together.

  It didn’t turn out that way, however. Mark refused to stay at the family ranch and took a job with the Cavanaugh Ranch. The town’s gossip machine flared for a week on his choice. Most people felt he should go back to his family ranch and help Sage run it. It seemed Mark always made decisions counter to what most normal people would have done and it continued to feed the machine that he was a dark person at best.

  “Where are you going to live?” she asked him nervously.

  “I don’t know yet, Mattie. I’ll drive over to talk with your Dad, Hank, tomorrow morning and see if he’ll hire me to fill Pepe’s position.”

  “Good. Did you know my dad just had his birthday yesterday? He’d love to see you. He always asks me if I’ve heard from you.”

  “I didn’t realize it was Hank’s birthday,” he muttered, frowning. “Darn it, I don’t have any gift for him.”

  “Don’t blame yourself, Mark. I’m sure Dad will understand. He’ll probably consider you a gift.” She smiled. “You’re a part of our family, you know. My folks love you and Sage to this day. That’s never going to change.”

  “Your family became our family, Mattie. I’ll always have a warm spot in my dark heart for Hank, Daisy, and all you kids. You saved us in so many ways.”

  “You two were like an extra brother and sister to us. We loved having you with us all the time. We still do. You’re our extended family and always have been.”

  Mouth tightening, he stared down at the table. “We wouldn’t have survived without your parents’ love and the four of you embracing us, Mattie.” He shared a warm look with her. “You’re a special family and you’ve always been there for us when we needed protection and love. You were the family we dreamed of, but didn’t have. But you shared your dream with us.”

  Somber, she whispered, “You and Sage are loved by all of us, Mark. I know we’re kind of a second family to you, but it was a loving one for you two.”

  “It sure was. When I was a Recon, Mattie, I was out in the boonies six months at a time. I’ve lost count of how many deployments I had. I didn’t want to come into the firebase or where ever we were ordered to go in Afghanistan. I liked it out there. I didn’t have to pretend to be social or watch guys who were. I had no family photos, no birthdays to remember, nothing to show off. No kids. No … nothing. I was always uncomfortable when the other Marines wanted me to come and look at videos on the computer, or photos sent to them from their wives or family at home.”

  “Hey, you were just trying to cope, Mark,” she began.

  Looking up, he held her sympathetic gaze. “Sage seems far more socialized than I am. I don’t understand how she managed it.”

  “She’s a woman,” Mattie laughed. “Women are team players and networkers. Sage is very, very smart and she learned social skills because it helps her cope. That’s why you and Sage spent more time with the four of us and our parents than you ever did over at your own ranch.”

  “Yeah, and it’s a good thing Hank and Daisy practically adopted us. We were two abandoned, confused kids. Your parents didn’t have to take us under their wings, and I appreciated it even as a kid.”

  “Hey, we loved having you two with us! We got into a lot of adventures and had a lot of fun together. You were our newfound brother and sister!”

  He snorted. “Yeah, but we got into our share of trouble, too. Wyatt was always the shit disturber in the gang.”

  “And you were right there alongside him as I recall,” she pointed out drily, grinning. “He loves you so much, Mark. And then, you saved his life in December. There’s such a tight, wonderful bond between the two of you. He sees you as his brother, believe me.”

  Leaning against the chair, he gave her a searching look. “Funny how you remember the good times. All I remember are the bad times, Mattie. Maybe that’s why I’m such a brutal pessimist.”

  “Oh, that was Sage’s label for you,” she murmured, shaking her head, “Not mine. You have a huge streak of kindness in you, Mark. I’ve always seen how you practiced with me and my family—and with animals and the elderly. So, I’m not buying into your ‘dark’ image. I know better.”

  Cocking his head, he held her lively, sparkling gaze. “Why do you always hold out hope for the hopeless, Mattie?”

  “Because there’s always hope, Mark. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there, just waiting for you to discover it. You got your hope beaten out of you by Jeb when you had no one to turn to, to protect you, after your mom died.” Pursing her lips, her brows dipping, she added, “And honestly, I think if your mom had lived she’d have taken Jeb apart the first time he laid a hand on either of you.”

  “Yeah, Sage is a lot like our mother from what Jeb has said in the past. Neither of us remembers her, of course. I wish I did …”

  “I can’t conceive not having my mother in my life,” Mattie admitted. “My mom Daisy is wonderful.”

  “Yeah, and your dad Hank never raised a hand against any of us, either. Not ever. Not like my old man.”

  “No, Jeb is a horrible human being and I’m sorry to say that because I ultimately believe every person is worth saving.”

  He stared at her, the silence deepening between them. “Mattie, one of the many things I like about you is your nonstop optimism. When we were growing up I believed in your idealism. But after Jeb started whipping me, I realized that your father was right.”

  “Oh?”

  “I remember Hank talking one day, saying that there was evil out in the world. He and Wyatt were having a serious conversation when he was fourteen and I happened to be there to hear it. Hank was a Marine and he’d spent several deployments overseas.”

  “Dad doesn’t speak often of his time in service,” Mattie admitted in a subdued tone. “According to Wyatt, he was in the thick of the fighting over there.” She shook her head. “I just can’t imagine being in the military and having to shoot other people. I couldn’t handle it.” Giving him a glance, she added, “I don’t know how you did it, either.”

  Shrugging, he said, “Hank had always said I was built for combat. That’s one of the reasons I joined the Corps at eighteen. I wanted to follow in his footsteps, be like him. He was a man of honor and integrity. He knew what he was talking about and he always respected me. In a lot of ways, Mattie, he was the sort of father I never had but wished I did. He filled those shoes for me, whether he realized it or not.”

  “I know,” she whispered, giving him a sad look. “As a kid I didn’t really realize the extent of the hell that you and Sage were living with. But as I got older and saw your bruises and cuts, it made me realize not all parents were good ones.”

  “Jeb couldn’t qualify to be called anything but fucked up, and he took it out on us. Or, he tried,” he muttered darkly, brows drawing downward.

  Wanting to get him off the painful topic, she said, “Call my dad tomorrow morning, okay? I know he’ll be thrilled that you’re back home for good.”

  “I will.”

  “Didn’t the Cavenaugh Ranch have any openings for a wrangler, Mark?”

  “I didn’t even bother asking them yet, Mattie.” He gave her a shrug. “I wanted to see you first. I know you know everyone in Van Horn, all the gossip and stuff. If there’s a job around, I figured you’d know about it.”

  She laughed a little. “That’s true, but when you care for children you always end up talking with the mothers, and then I get lots of information. We’re the communications network here in Van Horn.”

  “I like that you never gossip, Mattie. It tells me a lot about your character. You never talk down to anyone and you always see the good in people.”

  Her smile dissolved. “I’ve always tried to live the Golden Rule,
you know that.”

  “Yeah, Hank and Daisy drilled that one into all our heads,” he said. “Treat others the way you’d like to be treated.”

  “Do you have a place to stay tonight, Mark?”

  “I got a hotel room down at the end of town.”

  Mattie nodded, compressing her lips. “Are you going to continue popping in and out of my life without calling me first?”

  He studied her across the table, hearing her censure but seeing something else in her eyes. “I came home to rectify a lot of things that were left loose, Mattie.”

  “Am I one of those loose strings, Reuss?” Mattie asked, trying got keep her voice cool.

  She received a quick grin.

  “You know you’ve never been just a loose string in my life. You’ve always been my life line, Mattie.”

  “I just got an upgrade. Phew. Good to know.”

  Mark chuckled with her. It felt honest-to-God good to actually laugh once again. Mattie had always had that ability to lift him out of the darkness and shit in his own life. And now, she was doing it again. The sparkle in her eyes set off a gnawing yearning deep within him.

  “You’re the most important person in my life, Mattie, whether you realize it or not.” He saw her suddenly become somber, staring at him, listening carefully to his confession.

  “I know,” he managed hoarsely, opening his hands, “that I haven’t made you a priority. I pretty much ran out of your life at eighteen and abandoned you.”

  Mattie frowned and moved her fingertips along the rim of her cup. “Mark, you and Sage were abandoned by both your parents, but in different ways. I know enough psychology because of my teaching degree to understand why you did it.”

  “How so?”

  “When a baby is abandoned at birth, it sets a pattern in him or her,” Mattie explained. “Because you were neglected, you pass that behavior on to others without even thinking about it, without understanding the emotional pain it brings others. In this case, it hurts you and it hurts the others who are in your life.”