“Did you fuck Carter?”
Even if I had, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell him. “No, Chris, I didn’t. You know I’m still a virgin.”
“Even if nothing happened yet, you want him and he wants you and that’s not okay. You’re mine, Madison, and I don’t share my things! Do you want to fuck him, Madison?”
“No.” He fills up his glass before taking a couple of steps toward me.
“Good girl. You know I’ve been very patient with you, but I’m done waiting now. You’re going to prove to me that you want me and not him. If you don’t, I’ll go to his house and fucking kill him. Do you understand me?!” He is towering over me and I crouch in fear.
“Yes.” My voice is emotionless. The thought of Chris hurting him because of me is horrible. I know what Chris is getting at, but can I really do this? Will Carter even want me anymore if I do this? Maybe there is some way I can get out of this tonight.
“And if you ever try to leave me for him, I promise you’ll regret it.”
“Why, Chris? You could do so much better than someone like me.” I am praying that this will work. I see anger flash across his face, and it scares me down to the depths of my soul. He walks up to me and grabs my hand.
“I know I can, Madison, but that’s not the fucking point.” What the hell was the point, then? When he starts walking toward the bedroom, I think I might throw up.
Once we get into the bedroom, he slams the door and turns me around to face him. “Get undressed...now.”
“Chris, please, I don’t feel good. Please don’t do this tonight.”
He smacks me across the face so hard that I fall to the ground. “That wasn’t a fucking question! I don’t give a shit what you want! Get undressed now!”
I start to get undressed as my entire body is trembling. I can’t believe that this is my life. When I am finished, Chris throws me onto the bed.
I want to run or to yell for help, but I know it won’t do me any good. If I fight him, things will only get worse and with the amount of alcohol in his system, I know it would be really bad. Chris hovers over me and without any warning sinks himself into me. It hurts so much I start to cry silent tears. I try to block out what is happening to me, try to detach my soul from my body.
When that doesn’t work, all I can do is pretend. I imagine that it is Carter that is here with me and that he is touching me. He is telling me he loves me and that he’ll never leave me. He isn’t rough and it doesn’t hurt. Chris finishes inside of me, then rolls over. After a couple minutes, his breathing evens out and I can tell he’s passed out.
I let the reality of what just happened sink in. What am I doing? I need to be with Carter. I should have never left him there tonight. I am weak and scared, and I am letting fear ruin my life. I need to be stronger and I know if I stay with Chris, he’ll eventually end up killing me. Can I put Carter at risk, though? He told me before he’d always protect me.
I hope he meant it.
Chris is like fire. Pretty to look at, but if you get too close, you get burnt. If it isn’t controlled, it will destroy everything in its path. Doing what I am about to do with Carter is dangerous, but what can I do? I never had parents to warn me not to play with fire.
I wait another ten minutes, just to be sure he is passed out, then start putting my clothes on. I make my way outside and shut the door. FUCK! I forgot to grab my purse. I had no money, and no way to get to Carter’s house. I don’t know anyone’s phone number so even if I found a phone to use, I had no one to call. The only option was to walk, and it was about four miles to his house.
I just pray that when I get there, he is home.
And that he still wants me.
Chapter Twenty One
Carter
I get up from the couch because I hear knocking, although I contemplate not answering it at all. When I looked at the clock, I see that it is around two in the morning. I have no idea who the hell would be at my door this late. There is only one person I want to see, and she is with someone else.
When I finally get to the door and open it, no one is there. I take a step outside and see someone walking away. It is too dark to make out who it could be. Whoever it is, I’m not in the mood for company. All I want to do was go inside and wallow in self-pity.
I call out to them anyway, “Hey!” They turn around, and I swear my heart stops for a minute. “Maddy?”
As she starts walking toward me, she passes under a streetlight. She is in pajamas and looks like she is half-frozen. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?” She walks up to me, but never looks up once and I can’t see her face to help me figure out what is going on. “Maddy what’s-” She crushes her lips to mine with such force I almost fall over.
Before I can react, her hands are around my neck and running through my hair. I start to kiss her back and get lost in our love all over again, but then it hits me that she isn’t mine to love. I told Maddy that I wouldn’t be her secret and I meant it. If she is still with Chris, I can’t be with her.
I push away from her. “Let’s take this inside, okay?” She still hasn’t looked up at me. She just nods her head and starts to walk into the house. That’s when I notice that she only has slippers on. What is she doing out at this time in the morning, in the middle of winter, wearing pajamas and slippers?
I get her inside and shut the door, silently thanking God that I purchased one of those electric fireplaces. “Come, sit down and warm up.”
She walks over to the couch and sits down, not even bothering to take off the flimsy hoodie that is supposed to keep her warm. Her eyes are focused on her lap, and she is wringing her hands in a way that tells me she is trying to warm them up. “What’s going on, Maddy? I need you to talk to me.”
Nothing.
“Either you say something, or I’m going to assume you’re in shock and call 911.”
She finally looks up from her lap and into my eyes. Her tear-stained cheeks and red eyes told me all I needed to know. She needs me, but I’m not sure I have anything left to give her. Then she says the words I’ve wanted to hear since the first time I met her. “I love you.”
I put my hand on her cheek and she winces. That’s when I see it; her cheek is red and I don’t think it’s just from the cold. Anger rolls through me because I know where this came from. I need to hear it from her though. When I look into her eyes, I see sadness and fear, but also a little spark of hope and love. This is my chance.
“I love you, too, baby. I’ve loved you since the first day you fell into my arms. What happened tonight? How did you end up here?” She looks at me for what seems like forever before she finally answers me.
“Please tell me it’s not too late.” I look at her in confusion. Too late for what? “Carter, I love you. You’re the one I want. Please, tell me that it’s not too late for us. I know I’ve hurt you, but if you just give me another chance…”
I feel like I’m dreaming, like she isn’t really here and saying the things she is. “I love you, Maddy, so much, and I’ve dreamt of hearing you say those things. However, before this goes any further, I need the whole story. What about Chris? Why are you here now, dressed like this and crying?”
She is staring at her lap again. I lift her chin up and meet her beautiful hazel eyes. She starts sobbing, so I reach over and pull her onto my lap. She rests her head against my chest, and the tears just kept flowing. I rub her head and sit silently until she is ready to talk to me. After about a half-hour, she stops crying.
“I left him.”
“When? What happened?”
“I don’t think I can talk about this right now.” Is she kidding? I have to know. She needs to tell me now because it can’t be as bad as what I’m imagining in my head. At least, I hope it’s not.
“Baby, listen, I understand you’re upset and exhausted. I need you to tell me what’s going on, and then we can go lie down.”
“Can I take a shower first?”
Fuck. Why did she need a shower?
I hope it is because she is cold and wants to warm up, because if it was because he touched her or hurt her, I am going to lose it.
“Why do you need to shower first? Talk to me, Maddy. What happened?”
She looks as if she is going to start crying again. “Carter, I promise I’ll tell you everything. Just, please, let me shower.”
“Okay, whatever you need. Just, please, don’t be long.”
She walks off to the bathroom without another word, and silently closes the door. A couple minutes later, I hear the shower turn on. Now I was left with nothing but my imagination, and that is a dangerous thing.
Madison
I opened the bathroom door and his head immediately snaps up to look at me. When he sees I am only in a towel, I see a fire in his eyes that warms me from the inside out. “I didn’t bring anything with me. Do you have something I can sleep in?” He is still staring at me. “Carter?”
“Uh...yeah. Let me find you something.” He starts going through his drawers, looking for something for me to wear even though I know anything he gave me would be obnoxiously huge. He gives me his favorite USC shirt, sweatpants, a pair of his boxers, and socks. “If you need a sweatshirt, I can grab one for you.”
I would rather have him keep me warm than a sweatshirt. “No, these will be fine, thanks.” I turn back to the bathroom so that I can get dressed.
“Maddy, wait!” I turn back around and Carter is walking toward me. “Turn around.” I do as he asks me to and feel him reach around me. I look down and see he is putting my necklace on me. “I hated that he gave that back to me, and it killed me when I thought you didn’t want it.”
“Carter, I was so upset when he did that. I’m so happy you gave it back to me.” I stand up on my tiptoes and give him a kiss, then walk back to the bathroom to get dressed. When I come out again, he is lying on the bed against his pillow with his eyes closed. Is he asleep? Should I just go and lie on the couch, and we could talk in the morning?
“Are you just gonna stand there and watch me, or are you gonna join the party?” He opens his eyes and gives me one of the smiles that make my heart burst.
I climb into bed with him and settle onto his chest. He puts his arm around me and holds me like he is scared I’ll disappear. Maybe we could just stay like this and he’d forget about us having to talk.
“If you think I’m going to just let you fall asleep without talking, you’re crazy.”
Damn, he always knew exactly what I was thinking. It is one of the things I hate and love about him at the same time.
“Okay…I’ll tell you, but I want you to just let me talk. No questions and no interruptions until the end.”
“That’s fine, baby. I just need to know.”
“When Chris and I got home tonight, he knew something was up with us. As soon as we walked into the house, he started drinking and he was just standing there staring at me. I went to change into my pajamas and when I came back, he hadn’t moved. After he drank half the bottle, he looked up at me and said…”
I really had no idea how I was going to get through this story. My nerves were so on edge and I feel like I might break down at any minute. “…he asked me if I slept with you and I told him no. I said that nothing ever happened between us, but he didn’t buy it. He said that, even if nothing happened, you wanted me and that was not okay because I was his. He told me that if I felt nothing for you and really loved him, I needed to prove it to him and if I didn’t, he’d make sure I regretted it. He said if I ever even thought about leaving him for you, he’d kill you. He made me go into the bedroom and get undressed. I just stood there watching him, feeling like none of this was real. This couldn’t really be happening to me. He told me to get undressed because I was going to prove to him how much he meant to me. I told him I didn’t feel good and really just wanted to go to sleep, but he smacked me and told me he didn’t give a shit what I wanted.” I said all of that in only a few breaths, trying to get it out as fast as possible.
I feel Carter’s whole body tense beneath me. I don’t know how I am going to get through the rest of this. I sit up because I can’t lie with Carter when I tell him what happened. I just pray to God that he didn’t hate me for it. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I can feel Carter’s eyes on me, but I know he is trying to respect me and give me my space.
“He threw me onto the bed and, I swear Carter, I didn’t want to. The only way I made it through was by pretending it was you, that it was your hands on me and not his. Once he was done, he rolled over and I lay there until he passed out.”
I took a second to catch my breath because I felt like everything was closing in on me. I was rocking back and forth just to have something to do. “When I was lying there, all I could think about was you. I was going to tell you how much you meant to me tonight at the social. I was even going to ask you to help me get away from him. I was scared, though, and I acted like a coward, but lying there in that bed after what he did, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I waited a while, just to make sure he was really asleep, and I left. I didn’t want to risk getting clothes or anything like that, because I didn’t know what would have happened if he woke up. I’ve known for a while, really since the first time I met you, that it was you I wanted to be with. But I was scared to leave him. If I’m being honest, I’m petrified of what will happen when he wakes up. He has been violent almost our whole relationship and I just don’t know what to do now. I understand if you’re mad at me, or if you don’t want to be with me anymore. I just need you to know that it’s always been you.”
I steal a glance at him and see a mixture of emotions on his face, anger, sadness...but, most of all, I see love. He grabs me and pulls me down onto his chest, the way I’d been lying before.
“I’m here, baby. I love you so much. None of this is your fault and I could never be mad at you for it. I promise he won’t lay a hand on you again. I’ll kill him first. You’re safe with me, and I’m not letting you go this time. You can stay with me as long as you need to. Hell, I’d be okay with you moving in. It’s all up to you at this point. You just tell me what you need and I’ll do it. We’ll find a way to get you your things, and I’ll deal with Chris.”
“No, Carter, you can’t! I don’t think I could live with myself if something happened to you because of me. Please, just stay away from him.” I look up at him and he lowers his lips to mine. He kisses me with so much love that it overwhelms me.
“Maddy, listen, I need you to understand that I can’t just drop what this asshole did to you. He needs to pay. If you don’t want me to take care of it, then you need to call the cops.”
“No, I can’t call the cops, Carter. His father is a judge he knows all the cops in this town, he is a straight ‘A’ student from a good family, and I’m just some foster kid who, technically, never told him stop while he was doing it.”
I don’t know what else to say to him, so we just lie there with each other and, eventually, fall asleep.
Chapter Twenty Two
Carter
She falls asleep pretty quickly, but I know there is no hope for me. I can’t get the image of her and Chris out of my head. If she didn’t need me here, I would have left as soon as I heard what happened. The amount of rage coursing through my body is unbearable. I need to get up to punch something and I wouldn’t mind if that something was his face.
I wake up to what sounds like a herd of elephants busting down my door. I know who it is and I am prepared for whatever is about to happen. I slip out from under Maddy, who was still, miraculously, sound asleep. I shut the bedroom door as quietly as I can. If at all possible, I’d like to deal with this and have him out of here before she gets up. As soon as I open the front door and see his face, all of the anger I’d suppressed comes rushing back to me. “You have a lot of fucking nerve coming here.”
“You know exactly why I’m here. Where is she, Carter?” He is looking around me, I am guessi
ng trying to see if she is there. His face is twisted in anger and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
“Where is who?”
“Don’t fuck with me. I know she’s here. You know what? I don’t even need to ask where she is. I’m pretty sure I can guess.” He pushes past me, taking me by surprise, but I quickly move around him and am prepared to be a barrier between him and the bedroom.
“Get out of my way before I make you!”
I want him to try. All he needed to do was give me another reason. I am already worked up from the night before. “I’d like to see you try. Because, just so you know, that is the only way you’ll ever get near her again. She isn’t yours anymore, Chris, and she hasn’t been for a while now. You need to stay away from her from now on.” He needs to understand that he is not going to get to her. I’d protect her from him and any other asshole that I needed to.
“Aw, how sweet, you love her too? Did she tell you how she fucked me before she came running to you last night?”
That is it. I only have so much control and he crossed the line. Before he knew what was happening, my fist connected with his jaw and he was on the floor. “You’ll never talk about her like that again. You need to go before-”
“Carter?”
I turn as soon as I hear her voice. She surveys the scene and a look of horror mars her beautiful face. I back up toward her, never taking my eyes off Chris. I learned early on that you never turn your back on your enemy.
Once I reach her, I can feel the fear radiating off of her. It drives me crazy that he has this kind of power over her. All I want to do is hold her in my arms and make her understand that she is safe with me. First things first, though, I have to get this asshole out of my house. “You need to leave...now.”
“You know what’s so funny? That you fell for her shit so easy. She left me for you after two years. What makes you think you’re different? A whore is a whore no matter what john she’s with. I just-”
“You need to shut your fucking mouth now!” The power and anger behind my voice surprises even me, and I feel Maddy jump behind me.
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