THE COLLAPSE: Swantown Road

by Frank Kaminski

  Fish just sat there with his paper shreds and said nothing, pen still in his hand, and thought to himself; holy shit, I just got played! That douchebag totally set me up! Why would the chief do such an underhanded thing? Did he want to bang Constantine? Or was he just a total asshole with mental problems that got off on weird shit like that?

  Fish stared at the gray, lifeless military wall, listening to the sound of his nervous shipmates pounding away on their keyboards behind him as they pretended to act busy. Enraged and exasperated, Fish made a pact with himself. The day after he retired, he was going to beat the living shit out of Chief Worts.

  Chapter 4 - The Great Idea

  In addition to the beatdown pact that Fish had made with himself for Chief Worts, he also cooked up an idea to help Connie out with her baby problem. Fish was pretty sure he could pull it off, but he needed an expert’s help to make it happen, which involved Tarra Alexander.

  Fish also wanted to get himself in front of a television to continue watching the Chicken Stand-Off. He was becoming obsessed with the chicken drama down in Memphis, and during the rare moments throughout the day when it was quiet in the office he had secretly peeked at his phone to see if there were any new developments.

  Fish texted Stephen that he was coming over after work, and as expected, the nervous Stephen immediately replied that there had better not be something wrong with his truck. There wasn’t. Fish text-plained that he wanted to talk to Tarra about something and also watch the news over at his house, since his cable was shut off. Both items seemed bizarre to Stephen, but, after all, it was Fish.

  Fish needed to watch TV at Stephen’s because he had somehow forgot to pay his cable bill, in his own elucidation ‘only for a few cycles’, and eventually the catch-up payment had ballooned to over six hundred dollars, at which point he simply decided; to hell with Comcast, I can watch TV at the bar.

  Once Fish arrived at the Alexander’s, he parked Stephen’s truck in its traditional resting place parallel with Swantown Road and hustled toward the house. He was still in uniform, not wanting to waste any time, he had arrived straight from work. Mickey Kessler, who was Stephen’s oily jerk-of-a-neighbor, was working on one of the four different broken down vehicles on his property while smoking a cigarette. Once he saw Fish in his blue camouflage, he looked up over the hood and hooted.

  “Whoo-hoo! Hey sailor, buy me a drink?” Mickey hollered and cackled an evil, rough-sounding smoker’s laugh.

  “Fuck off, Mickey.” Fish hollered back, not even looking in his direction. He made a beeline for Stephen’s door, and with a couple steps of his long legs, he successfully denied Mickey the satisfaction of another comeback.

  Fish yelled as he loudly burst through the door, “Stevo! Turn on the news, yo!”

  “Jesus H. Christ!” Stephen shouted, arms flailing, as he was two seconds shy of falling asleep for a nap in his recliner, and was now terrorized awake. Tarra and the Kays had taken the Prius to go shopping, and obviously forgot to lock the door on their way out. Tarra was a stickler for keeping the door locked, but it was probably one of the little girls that was last out the door, innocently assuming that since daddy was home there was no need to lock the house up.

  Fish flew into the living room and scooped up the remote off the stomach of the still-startled Stephen and plopped down in the recliner that Tarra normally nestled in, and proceeded to bounce from one news channel to another until he found his beloved Tyrone and his posse, large and in charge.

  Fish smiled and excitedly said, “Oh look, there’s Emil Knard!”

  Stephen, now amused, stated, “I guess you didn’t even go home to change.”

  “Nope, I didn’t have time for all that.”

  “Well, did you have time to call your insurance company today?”

  “Yeah, I did it at lunch.”

  Stephen nodded and said, “Good. I want my truck back soon as possible.”

  “You got it boss, couple days max, might be this weekend.” Fish said, deeply involved in the news. “Oh, and by the way, your longhair asshole neighbor is outside.”

  “To hell with him.” Stephen said with disgust. He was pretty upset with his neighbor as of late. Since being fired from his last job a couple of weeks prior, Stephen was pretty sure he had begun selling drugs out of his home. Again. Not the friendly leafy green stuff, either.

  The two watched the commotion at the Krispy Krib for a few minutes, but the stand-off had not progressed. Fish took the lull as an opportunity to vent to Stephen.

  “Dude, you will never believe what Chief Worts did today.”

  “I could only imagine. That guy is a dick.” Stephen said. Fish told him the story, to include the dramatic paper-ripping incident.

  Stephen wasn’t surprised, and told Fish, “I retired shortly after that turd reported to the squadron. When he came to my office to do his travel claim with me, he tried to put a bunch of extra shit on there to get more money back. He changed it after I called his bullshit, but I should have just turned him in for fraud instead.”

  “Bah, nothing would have happened to him, though.” Fish said, frustrated. “All these chiefs get away with everything. If it had been an E-2 they would have court-martialed him on the spot! What the hell happened to the Navy, man?”

  “I’m just glad I’m done with all that garbage. I am going to go back to work on the base though, at the personnel support detachment. But I won’t be wearing a uniform, and I’m definitely not going to start until after a couple months of chill time, first!”

  Fish cheered, “Hell yeah, man! I don’t blame ya! If I had the money saved up like you do, I would do the same damn thing.”

  Stephen asked, “I heard a bunch of people are getting kicked out of the Navy due to the budget cuts. Anyone in the squadron?”

  “At least a dozen that I know of. Everyone is pissed. I’m safe though, as long as I don’t mess up during the next nine months. I feel extra sorry for Petty Officer Jensen. His wife doesn’t work, and he has like, four or five kids or something. He’s getting the boot next month.”

  “Jesus, that quick?” Stephen asked, shocked. Jensen was a good guy. He continued, “This shit ain’t right.”

  Just then, the door opened and Tarra came inside. She spun around and held the door open for the Kays. Both of the twins had multiple plastic bags full of groceries hanging from their little hands as they struggled through the door. Fish instinctively jumped up from Tarra’s normal spot and moved to the other couch along the wall.

  “Need help?” Stephen shouted.

  “Nope, we got it. I didn’t buy much today. Oh, wait. There’s four cases of water in the trunk. They were on special today, 3.96 each for 36 bottles. You can grab those whenever you get a minute.” Tarra replied as she stepped into the living room. She looked at down at Fish and said, “Hi there, Fish. I thought I smelled something when I walked in the door.”

  “Ha, ha. Good one.” Fish mumbled, then said. “Hey, I need your help.”

  “Me, really?” Tarra asked, genuinely surprised that her opinion or advice was actually valued by Fish.

  “Yes, you. I need your ‘expertise’ in a certain matter.” Fish said, using his fingers to quote ‘expertise’. He used the quotes in the wrong context, but Fish didn’t know any better.

  “Okay. What’s up?” She said curiously as she sat down.

  “There’s a girl that works for me, and she’s been coming to work lately looking like shit because she has a baby and her husband ran away on her, so, I figured I would watch her son for her this weekend to give her a break. You know, let her catch up on sleep and housework or whatever.”

  Stephen inquired, also interested, “Are you talking about Constantine?”

  “Yupper.” Fish said to Stephen, then turned to Tarra. “I figured since you are so good with the mom stuff that maybe you could give me some pointers.”

  Tarra stared at Fish, waiting to see if he was serious. He was. She said, “You know what? You’re pretty much a
jackass ninety percent of the time, but sometimes you can actually be a sweetheart. How old is the little one?”

  “Five months, I think.” Fish replied.

  “I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you have her bring that little angel over here tomorrow and I will watch him for her this weekend. That way, you can take her out or something.” Tarra said.

  Stephen did a double take and said, “Wait, what?”

  “You heard me, fool!” Tarra sternly said to her husband. “I think the Kays would love to have a little brother for the weekend. It’ll be a good experience for them. And before you start bitching, I’m giving you a liberty pass to go out with Fishy and his little friend tomorrow night. You need to make sure he doesn’t try to bang that poor girl.”

  Fish dramatically pretended as though he was hurt, and cried out, “Wow, really? That’s what you think of me?”

  “No, that’s what I know of you.” She laughed. “And besides, you wouldn’t be any good at taking care of a baby on your own, anyway. I remember you with the girls when they were babies. You could barely make them a bottle, and you were scared to death of diapers.”

  Stephen laughed, “That’s true, she’s got a point.”

  “Yeah, maybe you guys are right. I’m not exactly daddy material.” Fish said, sheepishly.

  Chapter 5 – Going Out on a Friday

  Stephen wasn’t entirely thrilled about having an infant in the house all weekend, but he knew Tarra would take excellent care of the little one, and she was right, the Kays would really dig the opportunity to play big sister. Aside from the babysitting, he was excited about going out with Fish and Connie, it had been quite a few months since he was actually “out” and about.

  Stephen mostly chose to live vicariously through Fish, who would eagerly regale Stephen over an early evening coffee on a Monday or Tuesday about his exploits during the previous weekend.

  Fish was also excited about the weekend. At work, he pulled Constantine aside from the rest of his office and made his proposal. She, like almost any new mother, was reluctant to accept his offer, which would require her to entrust the five-month-old to a stranger for an entire weekend. But, unbeknownst to her, Fish wore the exquisite shoes of a five-star salesman when it came to personal issues, and it only took a few minutes to convince her that everything would be OK, and she could use the time off to regroup and ‘recharge her batteries’ as he put it, before going back to work on Monday. His pivotal selling point was that it was Petty Officer Alexander’s wife that would be watching her son.

  Even though Constantine did not know Tarra personally, she did know Stephen. Stephen was extremely admired and respected during the time that he was assigned to the squadron. Before he retired, he was in charge of the military pay department, and went to great lengths to ensure that all his sailors received the proper entitlements that they deserved. Stephen was very approachable and provided wonderful customer service to every sailor, regardless of their rank or status, and despite being damn near retired he never gave up on his crew. There were a great many sad to see him leave.

  Stephen, just like Fish, never promoted to Chief Petty Officer. His past was nowhere near as colorful as Fish’s, but his job as a pay technician was in the process of being phased out of the Navy, and was mostly outsourced to federal civilian service employees and contractors. This fact, however, worked in Stephen’s favor post-retirement, since he could immediately pick up a job as one of those federal employees, if he so desired. With twenty years of experience, sweet references from his Commanding Officer, and zero training required, they would hire him on the spot. Even so, Stephen felt sorry for the younger sailors that were pay technicians. They would be stuck in the Navy with very little chance of advancement, and would ultimately have to choose a different job with Uncle Sam if they wanted to make the military a career.

  Fish and Connie had a good day in the office. Chief Worts was in his usual Friday mode, which meant he actually hung out in the office for some of the afternoon, cracking bad jokes and re-telling the same old boring sea stories while everyone nodded their heads and laughed, pretending as if his tales were interesting in order to keep him in a good mood.

  Sometimes, just sometimes, he would actually let them all go home early.

  Before they were let go for the day, Fish emailed Constantine on the down-low to remind her that nobody in the office should know about their arrangement for the weekend. He could appear to have favoritism toward her, and that would not be good for either of them. She emailed him back with an acknowledgement that she understood the circumstances, and also, once again, how grateful she was for setting up a weekend of freedom for her. For once in a good while, Fish actually felt relevant as a supervisor.

  *****

  Stephen also had a good day. Early in the afternoon, Tarra had ordered Stephen to get out of his chair and leave the house for a while, insisting that he needed to give his recliner a break before his ‘bony ass wore a hole through the upholstery’. The sun was out and the weather was decent, even for late January, a drastic improvement since the snowfall earlier in the week, with temps now in the upper 40’s. She suggested that he get outside and do some metal detecting in the semi-soggy earth for a few hours. Tarra knew that scanning the ground for buried treasure was one of Stephen’s favorite hobbies.

  Stephen did not argue, and left immediately. In fact, Stephen never argued with his wife. Some folks call it being pussywhipped, but Stephen called it ‘respect’. Tarra was significantly more intelligent than most wives on the planet, and could get away with her bossiness because she always reciprocated her authority with kindness and thoughtful actions, handing them out to Stephen in petite doses, on an ‘as-needed’ basis, which always kept him on his toes and yearning for more. She also appreciated the fact that Stephen never forced her to get a job, as most military men expected their spouses to work. Even though the Kays were in school during the day time hours, Stephen still allowed and even encouraged her to be a full-time housewife and mother.

  Even though she didn’t work a regular job, Tarra did, however, monetarily contribute to the Alexander family. After the Kays were born, and they began receiving megabucks for annual tax returns, Stephen announced that he would officially turn over the family investment responsibility to Tarra. Stephen admitted that he was ridiculously too conservative to make any investment decisions that involved even just a smidgeon of risk. He simply couldn’t do it. Too make matters worse, at one point before the Kays were born, his ultra-conservative ridiculousness got the best of him, and he withdrew all the funds in his savings account to buy entire rolls of Silver Eagles from different sellers on eBay because he had seen commercials on television about precious metal being the securest form of currency in the world.

  Stephen allowed Tarra full control to disperse the funds in the investment account as she saw fit. Every year they would not spend a dime of their tax return and place the funds into the account that Tarra controlled. Having control of that account set something off inside her head, and not wanting to make a foolish investment mistake (or give Stephen ammunition to chastise her) Tarra performed vast amounts of internet research and due diligence on available investment opportunities. Ultimately, she became a self-educated financial wizard. Armed with her new-found knowledge of the market, she rolled all their mutual funds into a brokerage account for the real-time trading of stocks. During a four-year stretch, Tarra had flipped the money in the brokerage account several times over, and it was safe to say that both the Kays would be going to college without a problem. There was enough money in the account that just the interest alone netted the family over $300 a month after taxes.

  Once she felt as if she had made enough money, Tarra gave up trading on the market and decided to let the money ride on interest. And besides, trading wasn’t the same for her as it used to be, as of recent months the market had become overly volatile, with random stocks making jumps and slumps. It was as if something had been changed inside The Matri
x. There was no rhyme or reason to the daily, five-day or monthly charts, and the ticker symbols no longer sang to her anymore as they used to. Lately, Tarra often felt as if there were dark, malevolent forces at work behind the United States financial and economic systems.

  Tarra prepared and cooked a meal for Stephen that they had not eaten in at least half a year. Curry. Curry with ground beef, onions, potatoes and carrots. Tarra also added some extra garlic for that final added touch.

  Once supper was happily bubbling away in the saucepan and the smell of southern Asia filled the house, she laid out an outfit for Stephen in the living room for him to wear while he went out carousing with his buddies later that evening. It was just a black t-shirt and a clean pair of American Eagle Outfitters blue jeans. Tarra had felt obligated to buy him several pairs of fashion jeans, because left alone to choose his own clothing, Stephen would typically hit the bargain section of Walmart and purchase whatever dorky brand that happened to be on sale that day, and she just couldn’t accept that. No way.

  When Stephen returned from his treasure hunt, the exotic scent of succulent vegetables and ground beef simmering in the curry sauce lambasted his consciousness as he walked through the door, and his stomach rumbled. Curry was one of his favorites, but Tarra hardly ever prepared it for him. That Friday must have been special! Stephen wondered what she was up to, or if her actions were just to smooth him over since she invited the infant to spend the weekend with them. In any case, he was ready to dig into some good curry!

  As he walked into the living room, the first thing he noticed was the overloaded baby bag resting on the loveseat. The second thing he noticed was the ‘little angel’ laying atop a few layers of folded blankets on the floor, smiling and playfully wriggling his fluffy arms and legs all around in cute little erratic movements. Connie must have dropped him off while I was out hunting, he thought. The third thing he noticed was the clothes draped over his recliner.