by Lisa Smartt
Dave walked into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. His voice was weak. “Shannon. She’d be so disappointed. I mean, he’s our son. How could I do this to our only son?”
“You’re a good dad. Shannon knew that. Doug and I know that. That’s why you’re going, Dave. Not because you’re a bad dad. You’re going because you’re a good dad. Collin’s three. If you get help now, he’ll never even remember. He’ll have no recollection of any of this. It’s a fresh start.”
“And my job?”
“Doug said things are slow right now. They’ll hold it for you. You’re blessed, y’know. Everything’s lined out. We’re happy to keep Collin while you’re gone. Maxine always comments about how she’d love to get more hours. She’ll be available. Plus, there’s Dusty and Clara and Uncle Bart and Aunt Charlotte. It’s covered. I promise. Do you have a big suitcase?”
“There, in the closet.”
“Okay. You only need a week’s worth of clothes and your shaving kit.”
“It’s only a week?” His expression brightened. “Guess that’s doable.”
“Oh, sorry. No. I mean, you only need a week’s worth of clothes because they have a place to do laundry. It’s thirty days. I mean, that’s the standard. But thirty days isn’t that long, right?”
“Do I get to see Collin during that time?”
“There are some times. After the first week or so.”
He stopped looking through the dresser drawers and turned to me. “After the first week or so? I can’t go that long without seeing him. He can’t go that long without seeing me.” He lay down on the bed. “Stop packing. This won’t work. We’ve never even been apart for more than two days.”
I opened the suitcase as though I weren’t considering his request. “I’m sorry. It’ll have to work.”
I stayed at the house until Dusty came at 6:30 on the dot.
Funny how we knew to ask Dusty. He knew just what to say, how to say it.
He came in the door without knocking. “Hey, brother! Got the cooler packed with Dr. Pepper! Ready for a road trip to Music City.”
Dave stood by the big suitcase and for a moment, it reminded me of the scene in Forrest Gump. Tom Hanks standing by his suitcase. Going somewhere but unsure exactly how to get there. He’d taken a shower and was wearing an unwrinkled blue oxford shirt and a dark pair of blue jeans. It’s funny. If you saw Dave at the store, you’d see a good-looking successful thirty-something man with the world by the tail. But he had long since let go.
Dave quietly responded, “You’re the only one who’s ready.” He adjusted the rollers on his suitcase. “Plus, you get to actually come home tonight, right? You’ll be sleeping with your wife tonight, having breakfast with your children in the morning. So I think you and I might be going on two very different trips to Nashville.”
Dusty patted Dave’s back as he started rolling the suitcase toward the door. “Trust me, Dave. You don’t want to compare war stories. Let’s see? Thirty days in rehab versus almost three years in prison. Yeah, there’s no comparison. You’re not the first man to look at life from the bottom of the barrel. I promise. Now let’s go, so you can get back in a few weeks.”
Suddenly Dave looked like a little boy who’d been separated from his parents at a huge department store. Desperate. Afraid. “I need to see Collin. Carlie said I could see him before I left.”
“We’re planning to swing by there on the way.”
I followed Dusty’s truck out of the drive. I dreaded what it would be like when Dave saw Collin. Or Ashley.
Tears started forming in his eyes on the front porch. But when Collin ran to him as he opened the kitchen door, he wiped even more from his face. “Hey! Buddy, looks like you and James are tearing the place up, huh?”
“Pwaying dogs!”
“You’re playing dogs?” We all walked into the living room to see all the stuffed animals lined up on the couch and the floor. James was barking loudly indicating the dogs needed food. Collin threw the pretend dog food at the animals. Then both boys knocked them to the ground in a big pile and jumped on them like a pile of leaves.
I said, “Let’s not over analyze their animal cruelty, okay?”
Dusty agreed. “They’re boys. That’s my analysis.”
Collin brought a white bear to Dave and as he kneeled down, Collin said, “Nite Nite, bear!”
“Is the bear going to sleep? Then yes, nite nite, little bear.” Dave grabbed Collin and pulled him to his chest, “Hey man, Daddy’s gotta go on a long trip.” He wiped his hand across his face, “You’re gonna stay with Uncle Doug and Aunt Carlie, okay?”
Ashley walked into the living room right before the bear interaction but stood by the kitchen door. All of us agreed it was a painful sight, watching Dave say good-bye.
Dave pulled Collin away for a second and looked at him, “I want you to be good for Aunt Carlie and Mrs. Maxine, okay? I need you to try to put all your pee pee and poo poo in the potty, okay? ‘Cause I know you can do that, Buddy. I know you can.” He hugged him again. “I love you, Collin.” His voice was cracking. “You’re my boy. You’ll always be…Daddy’s boy.”
Collin said a quick, “Okay.” And then he was on the pile of stuffed animals. I thought about how great it was that Collin was three. If he were twelve, there’d be so much more to explain. But no. He knew he was staying with Aunt Carlie awhile until Daddy came back from a long trip. And when Daddy came back, he’d be better. At least we all hoped so.
Dave stood up and Dusty grabbed his arm. “You’re a good dad. I’ll have to take some lessons from you, man.”
Dave wiped his eyes and said with quiet resolve, “I’m not giving anybody life lessons right now.”
“Maybe not today. But you will. Soon. Trust me. I know.”
“Thanks, Dusty.”
Dave glanced over at Ashley. “How you doin’, Ashley? You feelin’ okay? I mean, better?”
“Yeah. A lot better. How ‘bout you?”
He walked over to her but then nervously turned to watch the boys playing. “I’ve been better, y’know.”
“Believe me. I know. Looks like you and me are learning some life lessons, huh?…the hard way.”
“I guess.” He was still not facing her as he leaned against the wall. “It’s funny. I spent years helping people, helping them solve their problems. Now the problem solver? He’s just another drunken widower who everybody feels sorry for.”
Ashley touched his arm. “No. You’re more than that. You’re smart, funny, a good dad, an excellent loan officer, or so I’m told. This doesn’t define you, unless you let it.”
Her supportive words had released life into his soul. “Thank you. Thank you for saying that.”
She reached out and hugged him like she would never see him again. “You’re a good man, Dave. Don’t let a bump in the road be your undoing. You’ll get past this and when you do, it’ll be a testimony. It’ll help others. And that’s what you’re supposed to be all about, right? Helping others?”
“Right now I’m about helping my son. And this is the path to that, or so I’m told.”
I brought him a bottle of water for the road. “Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of him. He’ll miss you. But we’ll bring him to visit in two weeks. You’re doing the right thing, by going.”
“Thanks.”
Ashley’s voice was cracking a bit as she followed behind him. “I’m heading to California next week.”
He turned and said sadly, “Yeah. Carlie told me it’s you and Jean-Claude Van Damme.”
“Well, it’s other people too. I’m more of a secondary character this time.”
“When you’re living the high life in Hollywood, don’t forget to pray for your washed-up friend.”
“I will pray for you. But rehab isn’t for washed-up people. It’s for people who aren’t washed-up, who want to get back in the game.”
Dusty said, “Take your time, but I’m ready when you are.”
As Dave ap
proached the door, he turned and hugged me with such intensity. It reminded me of the night Shannon died. Like he couldn’t let go. I whispered, “We’re with you. We may not be there. In the rehab center. But we’re with you. Every day. Every single day.”
Doug hugged him quickly and then immediately went into administrative mode. “Dusty’s gonna give them all our contact info, so you can see Collin as soon as they say it’s okay. We’ll be there, man. Whatever it takes, we’ll make it happen for you to see him. And yeah, we’ll pray for you every day. You’re still my best friend. Nothin’s gonna change that. Before you go, let’s have a prayer together, yeah?”
“Thanks.”
We immediately formed a circle near the kitchen door and held hands. Dusty stood between me and Dave. Ashley stood on the other side of Dave.
But then a whirlwind came flying in the door. Aunt Charlotte yelled out, “Sugar baby, I brought you a mess of chocolate chip cookies for the road! Ain’t no bourbon or cookin’ sherry or nothin’ in ‘em. So eat up. You’ll need your strength. Plus, the cookin’ there might be frightful. Y’know, some of these places prolly don’t even use lard or butter or nothin’ good.”
She was still wearing a worn-out John Deere apron as she presented the cookies to Dave. They were sealed in an old Santa Claus tin that looked like it had seen at least a few decades of Christmas cheer. Dave hugged Aunt Charlotte and she started crying so loudly that she had to pull her apron up and blow her nose. “Okay, ain’t no use in crying over spilled milk I reckon. Just git on up there and get your business done. We’ll take care of this baby too.” She grabbed Collin. “This precious baby won’t want for nothin’!”
“I know, Aunt Charlotte. I know.”
Doug scooted over. “Aunt Charlotte, feel free to join the circle. Dusty, why don’t you pray for Dave, for all of us?”
“I’ll be glad to. God, Dave is hurting and we hurt with him. He’s drinking way too much and he needs to quit. But we’re not good at quitting stuff. None of us are. Help him please. It’ll probably feel like a little piece of hell at first. In fact, I know it will. But help him walk through it. Help us know how to help him. Thank you that we’re not alone….Remind him that he’s not alone. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
When Dusty said “Amen,” I noticed Ashley’s hand lingering in Dave’s. She reached out to hug him again. “I’m sorry I’ll be gone when you get back. I wish I could…well, write to me when you can. I mean, I don’t know what the rehab writing rules are, but if you can, we could e-mail each other.”
As he headed out the door, Dave said quietly, “I’m sure you’ll be busy. You don’t have to worry about me.”
She touched his arm and he quickly turned to face her as she whispered, “I know I don’t have to. I want to write to you. If you’re mad about…” Ashley looked into his eyes. “Well, about my situation, just know I’m mad too. And truthfully, I’m in my own rehab. Relationship rehab. Living with some weak moments…with some kick butt consequences.”
He put his right arm around her shoulder. “Well, I know what it is to have my butt kicked. That’s for sure.”
She turned to him, “Then we should stay in contact. Right?”
“Sure.”
Chapter 30 DAVE: Thirty Days
Dusty and I drove down I-40 in complete silence for a while. It’s funny how he knew how to do that. Be silent. Well, silent except for Alan Jackson singing on the radio. Shannon used to cry when certain songs came on the radio. But not me. Until today.
“Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk. Gave our hearts, made the start. It was hard. We lived and learned, life threw curves. There was joy, there was hurt. Remember when…
Remember when old ones died and new were born. And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged. We came together, fell apart. And broke each other’s hearts. Remember when…
Remember when the sound of little feet was the music we danced to week to week. Brought back the love, we found trust. Vowed we’d never give it up. Remember when…
Remember when thirty seemed so old. Now lookin’ back, it’s just a steppin’ stone…To where we are, where we’ve been. Said we’d do it all again. Remember when…
Remember when we said when we turned gray, when the children grow up and move away. We won’t be sad, we’ll be glad. For all the life we’ve had and we’ll remember when….”
I missed Shannon. Terribly. Her smell. Her body. The sex. Her friendship. Laughter. The way she made the bed and prayed over Collin and made coffee every morning. The way she made me want to get up early and be a better man. The plans we made. The future we promised to each other. Gone.
Dusty didn’t have to chat or act concerned about me or my hangover or my crying. His willingness to drive me to Nashville was plenty, for both of us.
I turned down the radio and broke the silence, “So, how did you know? That Clara was the one?”
He smiled. “I don’t believe in the one. Not really.”
I laughed, “You’ve got everyone fooled into thinking you’re the romantic type, man.”
Dusty smiled, “I’m plenty romantic, but I’ve loved two women. Not just one.”
“Oh yeah, sorry. So what was she like? Your first wife?”
“She was different from Clara, well, in some ways. Much louder and more opinionated. She was one of those spunky little women that didn’t walk into a room. She kind of
overtook a room! But people loved her. They did…I did.”
“But after she died, you found a way to move forward.”
“I did. What about you? Think you could love another woman?”
“It’s weird. When Shannon died, I knew I couldn’t find someone else. There was this huge hole and she was the only one. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I’d seen her somewhere. One time I dreamed she was in the kitchen making coffee and I ran in there. Happy. Thinking somehow she’d come back.”
“But no one was there. Yeah, I know. It’s common.”
“But you? You lost a daughter too. I can’t imagine, I mean, if it had been Shannon and Collin. How do you even walk through that?”
“One minute at a time. Friends. Prayer. But I won’t sugarcoat it. At first, I wanted to end it. Just go away and not come back. I’ll be the first one to say it’s miserable to walk through something like that. I would have thrown in the towel, except for the people who wouldn’t let me. Who held me up until I could walk again.”
“I imagine.”
He merged into the passing lane then gave me a quick glance. “So, what’s this thing with you and Ashley? Is this a friendship or something else?”
“Let’s see. She’s a movie star. I’m a single dad on his way to rehab. That’s what it is.”
“Shoot straight. It’s more than that.”
“I’m a realist.”
“She likes you, man.”
“Wait, is your name Carlie? Are you a writer? Dang, I thought you were a mechanic.”
Dusty laughed “Hey, you’d do well to listen to Carlie. She knows stuff. About women. About Ashley. I’m no Carlie but here’s the way I see it. Go to rehab. Get your drunk ass straightened up. Come back and go after her.”
I laughed. Dusty should have been a writer. He had such a way with words.
Chapter 31 CARLIE: Aunt Charlotte’s Dating Advice (Only Valid in Desperation)
As Dusty and Dave pulled out of the driveway, we all stood in a straight line on the porch as though they were marching off to war. An apt description. Aunt Charlotte wrapped her chubby arm around Ashley’s ever-shrinking waist, “Now, don’t worry about him, Sweetie. That man is determined. And God, God’ll get him straightened out good and then he’ll come back to town and after you get this movie done, you can come back and marry ‘em. I’ll even get Patsy to make you one of them fine lemon cakes she does down at E.W. James. But seein’ as how he has a little young’un, I wouldn’t have an afternoon weddin’ cause then the young’uns miss their naps and they just wail and
whine the whole time. A God-awful way to spend a Saturday afternoon, if you ask me.”
Ashley laughed and looked into Aunt Charlotte’s chubby face, “What are you talking about? We’re not dating. We’re friends.”
Aunt Charlotte threw her hands in the air, “Dad-gum it, if people don’t think I’m plum stupid. I ain’t stupid. Honey, there’s a lot of things I don’t know about. But that fine specimen of a man right there? He likes you and you like him. Now the way I figure, you can spend the rest of your life pining for each other or you can just cut to the chase. And if you think yer gonna find someone better out in California, good luck. That’s what I say. Good luck to ya. Oh, and that Van Damme fella? Not worth a dime. Too many muscles. I always say when a man gets too many muscles, he becomes hard to live with. We don’t even know he ain’t on them estrogen thangs, uh, hormones.”
Doug laughed, “You mean steroids?”
“Yeah. That thang that got the bike man in so much trouble.” She grabbed Ashley. “You gotta watch those famous people, Ashley. You do. They’re shady.”
I appreciated Aunt Charlotte’s words. Though I agreed with her completely about Dave’s interest, I decided to let her words stand on their own. Oh, and though I doubted very many famous men were on the estrogen patch, I couldn’t help but laugh and appreciate her thoughtful concern.
Ashley put both of her hands on Aunt Charlotte’s broad shoulders. “I love you, Aunt Charlotte. And believe me, if I ever get engaged…to anyone, you’ll be one of the first to know. I promise. Oh, and if I meet a Hollywood man, biker or movie star, who takes estrogen, I’ll run. I promise!”
“Thank ya, Honey. Just be careful. That’s all. There’s a few rules any gal in your situation should follow. Never marry a man who’s prettier than you. Never date a man who smells better than you. And don’t ever, and I mean ever, go out with a fella who cares more about his car or his clothes than his woman. Oh, and God knows there’s a million of ‘em out there too. Especially in Hollywood. Well, I told Bart we’d have hominy and cornbread for supper so I best be gettin’ home.”