All At Sea

by Pepper Ellison

  Anyhow, I’m over at the pool’s edge now soaking my feet. Tattoo chick is sitting next to me giving the bongos a workout. Can you hear it in the house? She’s good. She’s totally in the zone.

  Wanna come sit with me and tattoo chick? Bring Fiona. I’ll behave, I swear.

  Sunday 16th March 12.18am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  Holy shit! That was embarrassing. OK, so I’ve sent Fi to the loo to clean up. Can you go in there and let me know what she says? The loo off the kitchen. Where are you?

  Sunday 16th March 12.19am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  I’m swinging in your hammock with tattoo chick. She’s teaching me how to play Hot Cross Buns on the pan flute. What’s wrong? Did Fiona dump her bubbles?

  Sunday 16th March 12.20am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  Sasha grabbed my arse again and Fiona asked Sasha if we had fucked (her word) and Sasha laughed and said yes, of course, and Fi just kind of launched at her and I had to rugby tackle her and bundled her out.

  Sunday 16th March 12.21am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  On my way!

  Sunday 16th March 12.23am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  I’m going to talk to Sasha. Apologise again and whatever. Fark!!! Hurry up!!!

  Sunday 16th March 12.33am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  She’s puking in here. How many bubbles has she had? Sheesh! She’s fully on the turps.

  Sunday 16th March 12.54am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  I’ve tied her hair up in a knot. Tell Sasha thanks for the concern but I’ve got it. If she comes in here, it might make it worse. Also, I’ve decided I’m replacing Cristina’s DIY bead necklace with rubies and diamonds. Hair-holding is a thankless job.

  Sunday 16th March 1:03am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  It is so wrong for us to be texting while your inconsolable, soon-to-be-dumped fiancée moans in the toilet two feet away. We’re going to hell, Kody. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Straight into the fire, you and me.

  Sunday 16th March 1.19am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  She just asked me about the cheating again. I know you and me don’t technically qualify as cheating, like in the carnal sense, but still. If she gets hold of your phone, I’m going into witness protection. She looks like she has good fitness. If she finds out, she’s gonna kick my Yank arse up and down the street.

  Sunday 16th March 1.20am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  I haven’t cheated.

  Sunday 16th March 1.28am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  It’s been, what, almost an hour in here? I’m going tough love on her. The consoling friend thing is only feeding it.

  Sunday 16th March 2.32am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  She’s fixing her mascara and pulling it together. She asked who I’m texting. I told her my best friend back home is in labor. It’s a boy. A real watermelon-head. Anyhow, we definitely need to leave now. She’s gotten a second wind, I think, and is reloading the cannons. When she sees you, I don’t know what will happen.

  Sunday 16th March 2.38am

  —Black Blossum Productions—

  We’ve got to get Fi out of here. I’ve woken Lachie and told him to go and get her from the bathroom and carry her out to the car. I can’t risk her screaming at me again.

  I’m going to do it in the morning. First thing. At breakfast.

  Sunday 16th March 3.13am

  —near Black Blossum Productions—

  I’m on my way back to the marina. Thanks for letting me come or having me come or inviting me to come with Lachie or whatever. Sasha is one cool chick with one cool pad. I can see why you like hanging out there. Very inspiring.

  How’s Fi?

  Sunday 16th March 9.15am

  —North Shore Hostel—

  OK. New development. I just woke up to a knock at my door and it was Fiona’s mother!!?? Fck!! I’m hiding in the bathroom just to quickly let you know. She’s absolutely ropeable.

  But it’s good. It means Fifi will have a shoulder to cry on.

  Wish me luck. Might have a black eye when I see you next. Another one!

  Sunday 16th March 9.19am

  —Waikiki Yacht Club—

  Good luck! (And hide your phone! I don’t want them coming after me, too!)

  Sunday 16th March 3.46pm

  —Coconut Bay Resort—

  OK. It’s done. Fark. That was really bad.

  Sunday 16th March 3.48pm

  —Waikiki Yacht Club—

  Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I just want you to know I’m here if you need a friend. I’ll try not to mix my feelings up in it and say too much. I can be a good listener.

  Sunday 16th March 4.45pm

  —Hang Eleven Surf Shop—

  Fiona’s mum flew in last night while we were at Sasha’s. She had a room booked at Coconut Bay too. Lachie said he didn’t see her mum when he carried Fiona in, so she must have gone to see Fifi after we left. I didn’t ask the logistics of how it went.

  The thing is, Fiona thinks the Sasha thing is new and that’s why I am being weird.

  Was being weird.

  Fiona’s mum told her how I had been to see them when I was in Sydney, last week because I was calling it off. She knew it wasn’t a new decision.

  Then when I saw her (we couldn’t go to breakfast because she looked like shit), she wanted to know how long I had been wanting to call it off, and I didn’t want to say the whole time. I’m not good at actual lying. I am best at just omitting pertinent information. I tried to backtrack and side-step out of saying.

  She yelled for ages, and cried and threw stuff. It was really, really hurting her. She loves me with her whole heart. There is no plan B. There never has been.

  So I let her yell and throw stuff at me.

  I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a military training video (I know, why would you? 100 really fit guys in lines doing dive bomber push ups. Go on. Treat yourself), but they make these guys work out for twenty hours and then let them sleep for four hours and subject them to all these explosions and trauma, and you see guys that are broken by it. Their bodies sag and their faces are catatonic. She looked like that – like she’d been hit by a bus.

  She was all obsessed about Sasha, and I said…

  What I said was that she was kind of right. I told her that if you want to marry someone – if you really want to - you’ve got to not be able to imagine a day without that person.

  I’m not right for her either. If I was, she would have got on a plane before now.

  Anyway it went round and round for a long time. She was trying to negotiate. It’s fresh for her. Eventually I said I needed to go so she could cry it out, or whatever.

  Then I went out in the hall and her mum bailed me up for another hour or so.

  Then I left.

  That’s the end, and I am really sad about it. I wish I had never gone back home, because the way Fi and I left it the first time I got on a plane was not bad.

  But then it wasn’t the end was it? Because she waited for me.

  She won’t wait any more.

  Sunday 16th March 4.49pm

  —Mockingbird Bookshop & Coffeehaus—

  I’m so sorry. That sounds awful. But, she’ll be okay. She’s a great girl, Fiona. Beautiful and spunky. Plus, she’s young. She’ll find her plan B eventually. She’s going to be very happy someday.

  Where are you? I could come hang out with you if you want. As your friend, I mean. We wouldn’t have to talk. We could just sit in the same space.

  Sunday 16th March 6.02pm

  —near North Shore, Oahu—

  I’m on the beach now. Watching waves. Having a bit
of a cry.

  I’m just going to be on my own for a bit. Is that ok? It’s not that I don’t want to see you, but I have to respect this thing I had with Fi, and it wouldn’t be right to even see you because of the little sparky nerve thing I explained about before that I get just from being in your presence.

  I’m pressing pause. If I don’t answer, it’s not because I feel any differently about you than I do this minute.

  Please don’t sleep with Lachie while I take this little moment.

  Sunday 16th March 6.05pm

  —Mockingbird Bookshop & Coffeehaus—

  I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. XO, Amelia

  Thursday 20th March 10.00am

  —Fitness Center at Waikiki Yacht Club—

  Hi, it’s me. It’s been four days. Lachie said you’re being a “sooky la la.” I looked it up and then punched him in the arm for you. ;) Anyhow, he said that you won’t really talk to anyone and have immersed yourself in work. Just sleep, shower, work, repeat. Nobody sees you anymore, he says. I miss messaging you. What have you been up to? Are you okay?

  Sunday 23rd March 11.03am

  —Fitness Center at Waikiki Yacht Club—

  Maybe just send me a “hi.” Or an “okies” and nothing else. Just to let me know that you’re doing okay.

  Sunday 23rd March 1.03pm

  —near Waikiki Beach, Oahu—

  I’m on the beach. The one where we had our first lesson. I’m painting you a picture of the perfect wave. See?

  Are you still there?

  Sunday 23rd March 1.08pm

  —Island Golf and Country Club—

  I’m still here.

  Sunday 23rd March 2.13pm

  —Island Golf and Country Club—

  I’m playing golf by myself.

  I just feel like I should stay away from other people. I’m not fishing. I don’t want you to write back and say, ‘no, you’re sweet’. I hurt someone. I hurt more than one person and I should feel it.

  I’m unpausing.

  You wanted me to let Lachie have his shot at you, so go do that. If you want to be with him then do it.

  Sunday 23rd March 2.28pm

  —Island Golf and Country Club—

  Do it. Don’t do it. I don’t mind.

  Sunday 23rd March 2.29pm

  —near Waikiki Beach, Oahu—

  Maybe I already have done it. A LOT.

  Sunday 23rd March 4.06pm

  —Waikiki Yacht Club—

  Okay, that was childish. Grown Up Amelia talking now.

  Are you serious? Really???

  I thought you were going to clear your head for a minute. I look back over the calendar and a little moment has turned into a much larger moment. Am I supposed to just hang out waiting for you for the rest of my stay? Remember, I don’t actually live here. This is a working vacation for Paul and after his business stuff is wrapped up, we’ll be heading back to the mainland. I know you’re in a bad place right now and I have been understanding about it, I think. But for some silly reason I imagined you taking a few days and then running to meet me, riding in on a wave to pull me from the clutches of Evil Lachie.

  I guess that’s not happening, though.

  I’ve been gaga over you for months. It’s been torture. I’m not doing this anymore.

  Friday 28th March 3.23pm

  —Elements Spa & Salon—

  Well, it’s been five days and you haven’t responded to me.

  Listen...I don’t like feeling like a sneaky jerk every time I enter North Shore. I’d like to be able to come around without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. I’d like to be able to go see Lachie without feeling like I need to wear camouflage and cling to the hostel walls. While he is always eager to spend time with me on the boat, it’s not exactly convenient since he doesn’t have a car, and neither do I and Olaf’s car is not always available. I’ve also got a fake ID now, and I’d like to go to the Blue Volcano which is—according to Olaf—the most fabelaktig amazing place ever. Anyhow... back to the unpausing... Have you fast-forwarded to a place where you can see me out with Lachie without feeling badly? I don’t want you to feel badly but I also don’t think I should have to stay off grid in order to spare your feelings.

  Friday 28th March 5.00pm

  —Blue Volcano Tavern—

  Now you’re the one not letting Lachie have his shot at you. Why are you asking my permission?

  I’ve seen you around heaps. I’m not stalking or anything, but I saw you sitting on the bench outside the hamburger shop thumb-wrestling. You were laughing your head off. I saw you sitting on the sand with your head resting on his shoulder. I saw you kissing while you were waiting in line to buy movie tickets.

  You don’t think I can hear you sighing when he has his hands on you in the next room?

  But you haven’t done it yet. I know, because I asked him.

  What the hell are you writing to me for?

  Friday 28th March 8.15pm

  —Blue Volcano Tavern—

  I don’t know why you thought it would only take a few days to get over losing my best friend forever.

  Fifi was still here for four days after. I’d come home and she’d be sitting at my door, crying, begging. She made another scene at the pub. She had a tantrum. It was awful because all these blokes I know from the beach were laughing and saying she was a crazy. I hate it when blokes say that because that just makes it all the woman’s fault for feeling the way they do. But it’s my fault she feels that way, and she should be allowed to feel it because it only just happened, and now her life is not going to be anything like the way she imagined it.

  She was screaming in my face at the pub, and the bouncers lifted her up and took her out, and I felt pity for her. Then I hated that too, because it’s like I was looking down my nose at her and her sadness. But I still wanted her to stop because it was embarrassing. I was glad when they wouldn’t let her back in.

  I saw her sitting in the gutter bawling her eyes out. I didn’t go out there, because that would just start her up again. I can’t give her any hope that I care, because she clings to it. I had to send Olaf to do it.

  That was what was happening for four days.

  I’m not being mean to you, Millsy, I just don’t know what you want from me.

  Saturday 29th March 3.02am

  —North Shore Hostel—

  What would you do if I said I’m over Fi? Are you going to dump Lachie that minute and coming knocking on the next door down the hall?

  And you think I could let you in? Lachie is my best mate. I’ve known him since he was two, and he’ll be here long after you’re gone.

  I told you not to be with him. I told you from the beginning. Go back and count how many times I told you not to be with Lachie.

  Even if you thought there was no possibility of us being together, you shouldn’t have hooked up with Lachie. You should have stayed away from him because I asked you to. You knew it drove me crazy. You did it anyway.

  So go be with him and stop writing to me!

  Saturday 29th March 7.56am

  —Waikiki Yacht Club—

  This will be a long one, so settle in somewhere.

  I’m sorry about Fiona. I was being unkind and a bit selfish when I was texting you like an animal while she was here. She was and is in deep, deep pain. For days before you got back I saw the ebb and flow of emotions in her face. The anguish and hope that she would cycle through minute to minute. I can’t imagine what she looked like after you told her it was over.

  I didn’t realize that she was still here. I assumed she’d gotten on a plane that night because that’s what I think I would’ve done. For me, no one is worth that level of degradation.

  Maybe I’m being delusional and overly stoic, though. I could be brought to that state by someone like you. I’ve felt what Fiona’s feeling , not to the degree, but given enough time with you, I could maybe see myself in her shoes.

  You’re like a drug. A powerful one. Even t
he women who only get one night with you, they’re not slapping your face and throwing beer at you to be drama queens, they’re doing it because they’re addicts in detox. You gave something then took it away.

  To be fair, you come by it honestly. You don’t mean to be a heartbreaker, I don’t think. It’s just how it is with you. Heartbreak is part of the package.

  Fiona will look back, years from now when she’s settled and happy, and wonder who that girl was who made a fool of herself for four days in Hawaii. But in the back of her mind, she’ll still wonder what went wrong and how she could have changed it. Why wasn’t she special enough? What could she have done differently to make Kody Murdock want her forever? She’ll go on Facebook like your dad with that English woman. She’ll find you and she’ll feel that prick in her heart from that long-ago wound you left. The scar she thought was healed so well. Then she’ll click away from your face and re-enter her life. She’ll tell herself she’s being sentimental. But she’ll come back from time to time to see what you’re up to. She won’t be able to help herself.

  What do I want from you? I wanted what Fiona wanted. All of you, immediately. I wanted you to want all of me, too. And I’m not talking anything stupid and near-future permanent, I’m only eighteen. I just wanted you and me to be together, walking an interesting, meaningful path with the possibility of forever at the end.