This Heart of Mine

by C. C. Hunter

The next hour, instead of paying attention to the teacher, he’s thinking about Leah. About how part of him is scared to love this much. He’s lost too much.

  No.

  More.

  Death.

  The second the bell rings, and he pulls her out of class and into the lab he knows will be empty.

  He pulls her against him. “I’m sorry. I just get scared sometimes.”

  “No. I’m sorry.” She puts two fingers on his lips. “I lived one day at a time for so long, sometimes it just … It haunts me.”

  “But you’re fine now. Look at you—you’re completely normal.”

  She lifts up on her tiptoes and kisses him. The kind of kiss he’d been wanting earlier.

  * * *

  When Matt leaves school to go see the detective, the bright sun has burnt away the gray haze and the sky is a cobalt blue. It’s still cold, but the damp gloom is gone.

  He thinks about Leah, how much he depends on her, and wonders what he can do to make her happy. To make up for the all the bad shit she’s had. To thank her for believing him when no one else will. Suddenly, he wants to get her a gift. Something to make her realize how much she means to him.

  He’s driving, plotting gift ideas, when he sees a jewelry store. He pulls in. The store is empty except for the older lady standing behind the counter.

  “Can I help you?” she asks.

  “Just looking.” He realizes Leah doesn’t really wear a lot of jewelry. Maybe this is a bad idea, but then he sees … a locket? Gold. Heart shaped.

  “Would you like to see it?” The clerk pulls it out, opens the heart, and hands it to him. He sees the price tag.

  It’s more than he’d hoped, but after he sells the cars … He smiles at the woman. “I’ll be back later.”

  Hungry, he hits a fast-food joint next.

  He’s attempting to pull out of the parking lot while unwrapping the hot biscuit when he sees … her. She’s walking across the street. Cassie.

  He almost floors his gas pedal to follow her, but realizes chasing her in his car would scare her.

  Putting the car in reverse, he backs into the parking lot. There isn’t a single parking spot. He sees Cassie’s halfway down the block, turning a corner. Damn!

  Tossing the biscuit in the passenger seat, he parks next door and hauls ass to catch up.

  Unfortunately, the light changed and cars are flying past. He waits … Cars keep zipping past. Finally, he sees a small opportunity. He darts across the street.

  When he gets to the corner where she turned, she’s not there. “No!”

  He takes off, looking in the business windows and praying he’ll find her. Praying she’ll talk to him. Praying what she has to say will offer him more ammunition to take to Henderson.

  “Shit!” he mutters when she’s nowhere to be found. He hears a dog barking and sees a woman walking a poodle, coming out of a small park another block down.

  He runs down the street; his breath’s uneven, his chest tight. He takes a second at the park’s entrance and forces air into his lungs.

  Trees and shrubs make up the landscape and create little alcoves. He walks down one side of the park, his frustration growing every second he can’t find her.

  Then he spots her. She’s sitting on a park bench, staring at her phone.

  Taking a deep breath, still unsure what he plans to say, he walks toward her.

  31

  She doesn’t look up at first when he sits beside her. When she finally does, she gasps.

  “Go away!” she screams.

  “We need to talk.” He uses the calmest voice he can muster.

  Tears fill her eyes. “Do you know how hard it is to look at you?”

  “Yeah, I do!” he snaps. “I see Eric every time I look in the mirror.”

  Her intake of air is an emotional sound. She jumps up and starts running.

  “Cassie, please.” He bolts after her.

  He catches up and gets in front of her. “Damn it, Cassie. Just answer a few questions and I’ll leave.”

  “I can’t even look at you! It hurts.” Tears sound in her hiccupy voice.

  “Why?” He grounds out the one-word question. “What did you do? Why did you lie about Eric coming to your house that night?”

  “I didn’t lie!”

  “Bullshit!”

  She moves to go around him, and he blocks her again. “Talk to me! Tell—”

  “Leave her alone!” The voice explodes behind him.

  Matt swings around. The guy has dark hair and a tattoo peeking out of his collar.

  “You son of a bitch!” Matt yells.

  The guy throws a punch. His fist lands on Matt’s left eye. Bright flashes of light appear in his vision. Pain sparks in and around his eye socket, and he goes down.

  “Stop, Jayden!” Cassie yells.

  Confirmation that he was right about the guy’s identity ignites another explosion in Matt’s chest. Matt shoots up and strikes before the guy even sees him. Matt’s fist slams into Jayden’s mouth. He doesn’t fall, but wavers on his feet.

  Matt’s holds both his fists up, shielding most of his face, and prepares for another swing. He notes his right fist is covered in blood. But so is Jayden’s mouth. The asshole has sharp teeth.

  Jayden goes for another punch. Matt dodges it.

  “Stop!” Cassie jumps between them. “Both of you stop!”

  “He killed Eric!” Matt seethes.

  “No.” She shakes her head. “He didn’t.”

  “You went back to Eric and this guy got angry—”

  “No, he’s not who Eric was pissed at!”

  Matt stares at Cassie. “Then who was he pissed at?”

  * * *

  “I’m here to see Detective Henderson!” Matt grinds out, standing in the homicide division department.

  The receptionist looks up. Her eyes round. He hadn’t even taken the time to look in the rearview mirror to see how bad he looks. But he knows one of his eyes is almost swollen shut.

  “What happened?”

  “I ran into a wall.” He tries to keep from frowning, but he’s hurting and he’s mad.

  “One minute.” She jumps up and walks in the back.

  Three minutes later, she walks out, and with her is Detective Henderson.

  He walks up, eyeing Matt’s face, and exhales. “Come on back.”

  Matt follows. Detective Henderson leads Matt to his office and says, “I’ll be right back.”

  In less than a minute he returns with a bag of frozen peas and hands it to Matt.

  “I’m fine,” Matt says.

  “Put it on your eye.” His words string together like an order. Matt complies.

  The detective drops in his seat. “What have you gone and done?”

  “I left you a message. You didn’t call me back.”

  “Yeah, and I was on vacation. And I mistakenly thought you’d be in school this morning. Not that I have to explain that to a kid who’s nothing but a pain in my ass.”

  “Sorry,” Matt mutters at the same time his phone rings. He pulls it out, glances at the number, doesn’t recognize it, and turns the volume down. The vibration can still be heard, but he ignores it.

  Matt looks back at Henderson. “I got evidence.”

  Detective Henderson frowns. “You’ve also been hanging out in front of Cassie Chambers’s house too. Calling her all hours of the night. I got an earful from Officer Yates this morning.”

  Matt frowns. “I wasn’t hanging out in front of her house. I was next door. And I haven’t called her. Not once. You can check my phone.” He pushes it to him.

  The detective shakes his head. “Don’t bullshit me.”

  Matt sits a little straighter. “I’m not. I went there to find Jayden Soprano.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “The asshole who murdered Eric.” Matt’s phone starts vibrating on the table again. He ignores it.

  The detective runs a hand over his face. “I told you: I need solid ev
idence. I can’t—”

  “It’s solid. Cassie and Jayden dated. That’s why she broke up with Eric the first time. I’m sure he was pissed that she went back to Eric. Isn’t jealousy one of the main motives for murder?”

  “That doesn’t—”

  “He’s an ex-con. He ran away from home the same time Eric was shot. Cassie’s dating him now. He lives in an apartment on Pine Street. I don’t know which one, but he drives a red Honda motorcycle.”

  Eric isn’t sure what piece of information changed Henderson’s mind, but the doubt fades from his eyes.

  “How do you know all this?”

  “Because I’ve been doing your job.” Matt immediately realizes he shouldn’t have said that. He needs the detective’s help, and antagonizing him isn’t the way to get it.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just…” Matt inhales. “Marissa Leigh—she was Cassie’s best friend. You talked to her. I spoke to her again and she told me about Jayden. Then Leah knocked on the Sopranos’ door. The stepmom gave her this long talk about how he was already in jail once. Then I spoke to some friends of Eric’s from a different school. They saw Eric the day before he died. They told me Eric said Cassie was seeing someone else.”

  Matt’s phone starts buzzing again. Nervous it might be important, he pulls it over to see the number. He doesn’t recognize it. But he remembers the Craigslist ad.

  “You need to get that?” Henderson asked.

  “No. It’s just … I posted two cars for sale on Craigslist.”

  Henderson runs his right index finger over his chin. “How do you know Cassie is dating this guy now?”

  “Leah saw her on the back of his motorcycle and … I just saw them together.”

  “Leah McKenzie?” he asks.

  He realizes he never told him Leah’s last name. “How do you know Leah?”

  “Officer Yates.” Henderson frowned.

  “She wasn’t there to harass Cassie. Just to get information on Jayden.”

  Henderson’s jaw tightens. “And that shiner?” He frowns. “Tell me you walked into a wall and I’m walking out that door!”

  “Jayden. He threw the first blow.”

  The detective groans. “You think he killed your brother, your identical twin, and you confront him. Are you stupid?”

  Matt’s gut tightens. “I didn’t go looking for him. I saw Cassie on my way here. I followed her. Just to talk. Jayden showed up.”

  “Did this Jayden guy say anything? Confess to anything?”

  “No, he … he saw Cassie arguing with me and started swinging.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  Matt hesitates. “She said Jayden didn’t do it. She claimed that Jayden wasn’t the one Eric was pissed at. I asked, even begged her, to tell me who he was pissed at. But she clammed up. Wouldn’t say anything. She’s just protecting Jayden.”

  After a few more groans, Henderson has Matt write everything down.

  “So you’re going to reopen the case?” Matt asks, his gut crunching on hope.

  “I’ll look into it if you can promise me something.”

  “Anything you say.”

  Detective Henderson hesitates. “Promise me that if I don’t find anything this time, you’ll let this go. Deal?”

  Matt nods even though it’s a promise he’s not sure he can keep.

  “I’m going to check and see if this Jayden character really has a record. If he does, it might merit talking to him.”

  “Thank you,” Matt says with emotion. His phone buzzes again. The detective eyes his phone. “You know about our safe exchange zone, don’t you?”

  “What?” Matt’s lost.

  “For selling your car. There’s two spaces marked off and under surveillance in the station’s side parking lot. Don’t give any information about where you live or anything, just set up for them to meet you here. When people know they’re being watched by a camera, they’re less likely to try something dirty.”

  “Do I need to let you know if I’m coming?”

  “No. Just drive up. The spaces are marked. There’s a sign that lets everyone know they’re under surveillance. Do it during the day.”

  Matt nods. “How long before I hear from you on the case?”

  The detective frowns again. “As soon as I find something. I have other cases, so it’s not as if I can drop everything. But you have my word I’ll look into it.”

  Matt believes him and realizes he’s smiling. He stands up and offers the man his busted hand.

  The detective hesitates. “One more condition.”

  “What?”

  “You and this Leah chick don’t go anywhere near Cassie or this Jayden guy. Not them, their houses, or their neighborhood. I’m already gonna hear about this fight. Yates is pressing to get a restraining order out on your ass. And after this he might get it. He’s superprotective of Cassie. And I don’t blame him. The girl’s had a rough time too. So, I’m serious. Got it?”

  “Got it.” They shake hands. Gently, because his hand’s still throbbing. He’s still smiling when he leaves.

  * * *

  I’m standing in the lunch line, still debating if I’ll join the book club back in the classroom or just sit by myself. I’m not doing cartwheels about either. All I want is the day to pass so I can be with Matt. Alone.

  I’ve had a pissy day. I pull out my phone I retrieved from Mr. I’m-an-Asshole Perez after class. He confiscated my cell because he saw me looking at it. He accused me of texting. I told him I was only checking the time to go to take my pills. I was certain his clock was ten minutes off, and it was. Not that he cared.

  I asked him to look at my phone to confirm I wasn’t texting, but he wouldn’t, and he didn’t believe me. It sucks to be a rule follower and be accused of not being one. I mean, if I’m going to be punished, shouldn’t I just break the rules anyway?

  Now, since phones are allowed in the lunchroom, I look at my text messages. Matt still hasn’t texted me about Detective Henderson. I worry that’s bad news. The cluttered lunchroom noise echoes around me, making me feel more anxious. The smell of tuna casserole fills my nose.

  I hear the words “heart transplant” sound behind me. A toad-size lump is bobbing in my throat. I want to be alone, so I bolt out. I think I hear my name. Thinking Matt might have returned, I look back.

  It’s not Matt. It’s Ted. Matt’s friend. He’s pushing through a crowd to get to me.

  I shove my emotions back.

  “Hey,” he says when he gets to my side. “Can we talk?”

  About what? “Uh, yeah.”

  I follow him to a quiet corner outside the library. He drops back against a wall, looking nervous. My heart starts that strange kind of pounding. “Is something wrong?”

  “Sort of,” he says.

  I imagine the worst. “Is Matt okay?” Instant emotion tumbles around in my chest. It feels like it’s Eric again.

  “Yeah. Look, last week Matt tried to talk to me and our friends. About Eric.”

  I remember Matt telling me he’d spoken to them. He hadn’t said how it went, but I could tell it wasn’t good.

  Ted starts again. “Matt refuses to believe Eric killed himself. It’s been months, and he’s still on this mission to prove differently. I’m worried. I was hoping when he started dating you that … that he’d let it go. It hasn’t helped. He can’t keep doing this to himself.”

  I try to decipher the emotions that are mine and those that might be Eric’s.

  I breathe in and out.

  “I was hoping … maybe you could talk to him. Convince him to let it go.”

  I bite down on my lip. “Thing is, I’m not sure I believe Matt’s wrong.” I start to tell him about Jayden, but it’s not my place.

  Ted frowns. “The police proved it.”

  “But … the cops are wrong sometimes.”

  “Not this time!” He glares at me. “I thought you were the sensible type.”

  He’s angry. I’m not sure how to react.


  “I am sensible. Matt just wants—”

  “I know.” Emotion laces Ted’s voice.

  “What do you know?” I’m sensing he has some knowledge he’s not sharing.

  He shakes his head, then blurts out, “Fuck!”

  “If you know something that Matt doesn’t, he … he needs to know.” Ted’s eyes are damp with tears. “He’d hate me. I already hate myself. I should have done something.”

  My chest swells with emotion. “What happened?”

  “I … I saw Eric that day. He was getting gas at the service station. I pulled in and asked him to go swimming. He was so mad. I asked him what was wrong and…” He inhales another shaky breath. “Eric said … He said he’d rather die than … than do nothing.”

  Ted bangs his fist on the wall. “I didn’t understand what he was taking about. I asked him, but he wouldn’t say.”

  Ted scrubs his hand over his eyes. “Eric said he’d rather die. I should’ve done something—stopped him.” Tears cloud Ted’s eyes. “I didn’t think he meant he was going to kill himself! I didn’t, but I should’ve.”

  32

  I’m walking out of the school to my car. The sky is blue; the sun is out. The day is prettier than my mood. All I’ve been able to think about today is Ted’s confession. I dodge frenzied students racing to their cars, trying to get out first. Life’s not a race—it’s a journey, I want to tell them.

  My phone beeps with a text. It’s Matt. Be at your house at 3:15.

  I text back, What happened?

  His answer: Went to the police station.

  Does this mean the detective is reopening the case? And knowing what I know now, is that good news? Is Ted making more out of what Eric said than he meant? Oh, hell, I don’t know. I’m so damn confused. And scared. Scared we’re reading the dreams all wrong. Scared this will wind up hurting Matt instead of helping him.

  I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Matt. Ted pleaded with me not to tell. He wants to be the one to tell him.

  I never promised anything. I don’t know what’s right or wrong.

  As I drive home, I keep hearing bits and pieces of Ted’s conversation. Eric said he’d rather die than … than do nothing.

  I don’t understand the than do nothing part. What the hell was Eric dealing with? It’s like there’s a missing piece to the puzzle.