Before We Fractured: Books 1-3

by Bradon Nave

  Duke’s knuckles blanched as he clenched the back of my father’s shirt. “I did everything he wanted…I don’t get it!” he cried out. I felt somewhat in shock. The sickening feeling I felt when others cried at Corey and my mother’s services and even after—I was feeling that now.

  “Why doesn’t he want me?” Duke asked in a high-pitched and pathetic tone, his cries nearly taking his breath.

  “Well, I do, young man. You couldn’t be more family if you were blood…I love you, boy, and I am damn proud of you,” my father said as he placed his hand on the back of Duke’s head.

  “I love you too, Joe,” Duke said as he pulled away from my father, wiping his face with his entire sleeve. “This is embarrassing,” he muttered.

  “No…you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, bud.”

  “You’re good, D…seriously, no shame,” I said as I walked toward the both of them.

  “Is your mom staying at your place tonight?” my father asked.

  “Nah…she’s helping Larry pack up his kitchen and stuff.”

  “How about you and Jess run down and get your stuff for school tomorrow and you crash here tonight?” my dad asked.

  “You sure you can handle all this drama?” Duke asked with a small smile.

  “I’ll take it,” my father replied as he lightly shook Duke’s head. “You boys hurry up. The pizza is still hot.”

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-EIGHT

  I was more than slightly concerned that Kacey wasn’t at school—especially after I’d messaged her several times with no response. I was certain she’d either overslept or she was having a really bad day. Either way, my morning anxiety was certainly mounting as the different scenarios played out in my head.

  I was, however, happy to see Duke was chipper. I was certain the evening of pizza and guy talk with my dad did him good. He and Lily were their usual flirtatious selves in Davenjer’s class.

  Class went by excruciatingly slow, and as soon as it was over, I made my way to my locker to call Kacey again. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I was surprised to see Sarah.

  “Hey, Jess,” she said sweetly.

  “Hey. How have you been?”

  “Eh. One of those mornings.”

  “I know…I think Kacey overslept. She won’t—”

  “Kacey? Nah, she just retweeted my picture with Lily from yesterday like twenty minutes ago.”

  “Really? She’s not answering my texts or calls.”

  “Her phone is probably dead. She could have been on her computer or something.”

  “Right…still, I wonder why she’s not at school,” I said.

  “Who knows? I would be at home in bed if my mom wasn’t there. I better get to class.”

  “Later, Sarah.”

  “Bye, Jess.”

  As Sarah walked away, I pushed Call once more on my phone. The anxiety had my heart racing as I held it to my ear. Once again it went to voice mail.

  Completely consumed with worry, I was delighted when my vibrating phone revealed Kacey’s name on it.

  “Kacey…are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she replied solemnly.

  “Why aren’t you at school?”

  I heard only her soft breath on the other end. “Hello? Do you not feel well or something? I’ve been trying to call you all morning.”

  “I feel fine, Jessie,” she snapped.

  “What…what’s wrong? Are you mad at me for something?” My heart ached at the thought of her replying yes.

  “There’s a lot going on…I’ve had a lot to deal with…I’m sorry, Jessie.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “The other night…what was that all about? I mean, seriously.”

  My head was spinning circles as I attempted to conjure what I could have said or done that she would be upset with me about. “I don’t know what you mean,” I said softly, my throat tightening.

  “We shouldn’t have done that, Jessie…and you know that.”

  “’K.”

  “’K? Is that all you have to say? ’K? Really?”

  “I don’t know what to say, I guess…I told you I wanted to wait. Last time you got mad at me, so I was just doing what I thought you wanted to do.”

  “Oh my God. You’re seriously the stupidest person I’ve ever met in my life. I mean, seriously stupid. Do you ever listen to yourself talk?”

  “What? Kacey…why would you say that to me?”

  “Um…because you’re stupid, stupid.”

  “I’m gonna get off here,” I said softly.

  “Good…I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

  “No…no, you won’t.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” she hissed hatefully.

  “It means we’re done,” I said plainly. The words hurt coming from my mouth—to the point I couldn’t believe I was saying them; only the day before, I was imagining what our kids would look like.

  “We’re done? You’re breaking up with me?” she shrieked into the phone.

  “Yep. I’m a good person, Kacey. Nobody is going to speak to me that way.”

  “So you’re going to go through life and just drop people because they’re having a bad day?” she cried into the phone. Her trembling voice told me she was on the verge of tears.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Kacey. I…I really care about you…but your uncle is right. I’m at a point in my life where I can either get better really fast or get worse a lot faster. I need to be around people that respect me and have my best interest at heart. You just said I was the stupidest person you’ve ever met in your life…I’m pretty sure that disqualifies you. You need help, Kacey.”

  “Oh my God!” she cried into the phone. “This is really happening. You’re really going to dump me? You won’t at least think about it?”

  “What is there to think about? You get angry and lash out at me. Not going to happen. I’ve got my own issues to deal with and—”

  “I think I’m falling in love with you, Jessie. I think…I love you.”

  Her words took my breath. They were genuine. I heard the pain in her voice…perhaps I didn’t recognize entirely the turmoil surrounding her circumstances, the reasoning for her hateful outbursts, but I knew she was telling the truth.

  “Please…please just think about it. If you’re going to break up with me, then do it to my face.”

  “Kacey!” I snapped. “I would never call you stupid. I would never be mean to you. It’s not acceptable for you to lash out like that. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but I can’t be a punching bag for someone that refuses to get help. You wanted to have sex with me. I have never once made an advance toward you…and then you have the nerve to speak to me that way? Nah…no thank you. I’m better than that. I’m bigger than that. I’ll swing by your house this afternoon, but it’s not going to change anything.”

  “Oh my God,” she muttered in a high-pitched voice into the phone. “I’m really going to lose you.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Kacey. I’m only the stupidest person you’ve ever met in your life.”

  “Jessie…listen—”

  Hanging up the phone, I felt the overwhelming urge to puke. Thankfully, I hadn’t eaten anything that day. I quickly scrolled through my contacts and found my dad’s number. I called him.

  “Jess?”

  “Come get me.”

  “Are you at school?”

  “Yep.”

  ***

  Rolling over in bed it felt as though I’d been dreaming a horrific dream—and then I saw my phone. The texts from Kacey broke my heart. I knew she was hurting. I also knew Dr. Cline was right—she was toxic. Logically, it made sense. She’d lost so much and hadn’t had the support needed to recover; perhaps she didn’t accept the support offered. If I had been at a stronger place in my life, perhaps the relationship could survive. I knew, however, that my mental health was fragile and basically teetering. I needed to concentrate on my pr
ogress.

  The other side of me wanted to call her, to tell her to dry her eyes and to be ready in ten minutes. I wanted to hold her and tell her it would all be okay—even though I have no clue what the hell okay looks like.

  It was nearly six in the evening. I stood from my bed and made my way downstairs. I was thankful my father was gone—I didn’t want to say it out loud yet. I grabbed the keys to the Mustang and walked into the garage.

  The drive to her house was nauseating. I couldn’t bear to think of her crying. As I pulled into her drive, the headlights illuminated her on the front porch. She was wearing basketball shorts and an oversized sweatshirt. Her hair was sloppily kept on top of her head, and her face was puffy. She was still perfect.

  As I removed the keys from the ignition, I took a deep breath in and exhaled passively.

  The walk to her porch tore pieces of my soul away with each step. I heard her sobs, as if she knew nothing she could say would change my mind. I sat next to her as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. The dark circles under her eyes were not only noticeable, they were disturbing.

  “Hey,” I said softly.

  “Hi,” she whispered.

  The urge to hug her was intense. I wanted to protect her, but I had to protect myself. “Kacey…I finally see myself…actually getting better. I finally see myself getting over this and having a good life. I have to go with that. I can’t compromise that,” I said softly as her face rested in her sleeve-covered palms.

  “I know,” she cried.

  “I care about you so much…but I can’t help you. I don’t know how to help you, and you’re not helping me. You’re hurting me. I’ve been hurt enough already.”

  “Okay.”

  “I wish you would get help, Kacey. I know how bad it hurts to lose a parent. I know what it can do to you…but you can’t bottle it up like that. I hope you can get over this pent-up anger you have and get on with life somehow.”

  “Me too.”

  I looked out toward the parked Mustang and remembered our first date. The thought of walking away from her was sickening. “I’m gonna go.”

  “Please!” she said suddenly. “Please just sit here a few more minutes, Jess.”

  “This isn’t easy for me either, Kacey.”

  “I…I know. I know it isn’t. I know it sounds stupid. I know we’re only in high school, but I was honestly seeing my future with you. When I think of ten years from now…I seriously think of you. That’s gone now. Please, just give me five more minutes,” she said as she began crying into her hands. “I really do love you, Jessie.”

  And that was it—any and all logic was officially removed from the equation. “Look at me, Kacey,” I said softly but sternly. As her saturated eyes looked toward me, I reached for her wet hand. “If you ever, and I mean ever speak to me like that again or lash out at me for no reason, I’ll never speak to you again, understand?” Her eyes widened as she began nodding her head in agreement. “And you’re going to get help. You’ve got to get help. I can’t sacrifice my progress because you refuse to get professional help.”

  “I will!” she shrieked.

  “The only reason I’m not walking away is because I believe you when you say you love me. Now start loving yourself. Stop abusing those that you love. You’ve got to get some help, okay?”

  “I will, I promise…Jessie, I’ll do whatever I have to do if you’ll give me another chance…please don’t break up with me.”

  “Sshhh. C’mere,” I said, motioning her toward me as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

  “My head isn’t right, Jessie…I have so much I need to tell you, but I just can’t right now.”

  Kissing the top of her head, I felt we “fit” again. “That’s okay…you just have to tell somebody. You have to talk to somebody, okay?”

  “Okay. Jessie, I can do anything as long as I don’t lose you.”

  “Okay. Stop crying, beautiful. We’re gonna figure this out and kick its ass, okay?”

  She wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. “I’m so sorry for speaking to you that way. You’re not stupid. You’re precious. I seriously love you. You’re precious to me.”

  “I…I love you too, Kacey.”

  She looked to me, smiling through the tears. My heart felt whole and happy, as if I were supposed to be there with her, yet something was scratching at the back of my skull; there was a warning of some sort that left me uneasy.

  “I wish we could go back…but I know we can’t, so thank you.”

  “Go back to where?”

  “To before I said and did the things I did.”

  “It goes beyond that, Kacey. There’s a reason people hurt the ones they love.”

  “Then I wish I could go beyond then…before we fractured. Before I fractured.”

  I continued to cradle her as I looked to the sky. “Stars are coming out.”

  “Yes…they are.”

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-NINE

  “She’s just having a rough time,” I said as I sat next to Duke in class. With seconds left before the bell would ring, a disheveled Kacey walked through the door. Her eyes, sunken and boasting the dark circles, set upon me as she made her way to her seat. She appeared exhausted and less than concerned with her appearance.

  “Holy shit, Jess. Is she okay?” Duke asked as Kacey took her seat.

  “She’s fine, man.”

  As Kacey took her seat, the bell rang and Ms. Davenjer walked into class.

  “How are you feeling today, Mr. Kasper?” she asked.

  “Huh?”

  “I heard you just left yesterday without checking out.”

  “Oh…yeah. I feel better.”

  “Tummy bug?” she asked sarcastically.

  “I guess.”

  “Please, kids, make sure if you’re not feeling well to check out in the office before you leave the campus.”

  “Sorry,” I said lowly.

  “You’re good, Jessie. But put yourself in my shoes. What if something had happened to you? What if you’d had an accident and no one knew where you were? We actually care about you guys.”

  “I get it…my bad,” I replied, shooting her a look of appreciation.

  “And…Kacey, are you feeling better today?” she asked. It was clear Ms. Davenjer was concerned by Kacey’s appearance.

  “I’m much better today, ma’am. Thank you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Kacey…” I heard Lily say softly. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. I’m good,” Kacey replied.

  “You don’t look okay…you should’ve stayed home.”

  “I’m fine…promise.”

  My eyelids were surprisingly light, not lead-heavy. It was then I remembered I’d forgotten to take my medication the night before. My focus was sharp, as if I’d just downed a cup of coffee.

  “We gonna hit the gym tonight?” Duke whispered.

  “Sure I guess…I don’t have any plans—”

  “Boys, what did I say about…Kacey, are you okay?” Ms. Davenjer asked as she looked past us to the back of the room.

  I turned to see several of my classmates looking somewhat distraught as Kacey stood all but motionless in the aisle, her face blank of expression.

  “I just forgot to grab it…it said so in the yearbook,” Kacey mumbled.

  “Excuse me?” Davenjer asked as she stood from her seat. I too stood.

  “Kacey…” I said as I looked to her.

  “I think maybe I’m not feeling so well. I think I need to go home,” she said suddenly.

  “I don’t think you should drive, Kacey. Class, sit quietly while I escort Kacey to the office,” Davenjer said. I ached to grab Kacey’s shoulders and ask what the hell was going on, but she was ushered out the doorway before I had the chance.

  “Dude…” Duke muttered. His facial expression matched the anxiety lurking in my gut.

  ***

  Lunch in the cafeteria was never a pleasant experience and typically
resulted in severe indigestion. My nerves were too frayed to allow me to attempt to eat. Duke and Lily had done as much as possible in an effort to calm my anxiety, but it was growing—reproducing at a staggering pace. Every text that went unanswered and phone call that went straight to voice mail had me closer to the edge.

  “I need to go, D.”

  “Where?” he asked, his fork picking through corn and pale green beans.

  “I need to go to her house.”

  “You drove the Mustang today, didn’t you? Just go. You’ve got time to get there and back.”

  I stood from the chair without a second thought and made my way to the exit. As soon as I was in the hall, I began sprinting.

  I wasn’t one to speed, but I tore from the school parking lot in Cory’s car. The grip on the steering wheel had my palms and fingers nearly numb.

  Within a few minutes, I was pulling into her driveway. Barely in park, I leapt from the car and ran up the porch steps. There was no subtlety to my approach. I beat the door with my fist; I pounded it. I knew for certain she was home…the vehicle was in the drive. I continued to knock loudly as my other hand rang the doorbell.

  “Kacey!” I yelled out as I reached for the door handle. It was locked. My chest tightened and my breath began to escape me. She wasn’t going to answer—and my world was cratering.

  “Dr. Cline…I need Dr. Cline.”

  I was on the verge of an extreme panic attack. Dr. Cline was the only one that could help me at this point. I had to get to him. I had to tell him everything—he would help Kacey. Even if it meant we could no longer see each other for now, he could intervene.

  Stumbling from the porch, I attempted to inhale. “Bigger! Bigger than…this,” I said under my breath.

  There wasn’t much about the drive to Dr. Cline’s office I remember—a car honked at me, and I caught a glimpse of a tear streaking down my cheek in the rearview. The sickening and sobering noise of the Cory’s bumper caving into a large decorative rock in front of Dr. Cline’s office sent tears racing from my eyes.

  “Oh shit! Cory! I’m so sorry!” I cried out loud as I rested my forehead on the steering wheel. The minor accident had offered a small reprieve, but it was fleeting—my anxiety was mounting yet again.