Before We Fractured: Books 1-3

by Bradon Nave

  I wanted Jessie to trust me as much as he loved me. I wanted Avery to forgive me for my ridiculousness. I wanted to be a better person. “You make me want more…I want to be better. I can be more than this.”

  Jessie looked to me, his soft hand resting on the side of my face as his thumb wiped my tears. “You’re perfect to me the way you are. That’s all that matters. We’re both so damn messed up that trying to figure it out by ourselves is kinda pointless at this point.” His smile was uncontrollable, and then he was hugging me. Only hours ago I was certain I would never see him again, and now he was hugging me and telling me he loved me.

  Looking to the softened sky just beyond the willow trees, I was certain my father had some hand in orchestrating this diversion. My chin resting on Jessie’s shoulder, I continued to look to the heavens. “Thank you.”

  “You kids need to hurry. Storms are heading this way, go get the car so you can follow me home.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  The rains—heavy yet unoppressive, washed away the afternoon. A simple game of Scrabble had me wishing I could halt time. Cliché, perhaps, but all I needed in life was sitting on the floor cross legged in front of me.

  Jessie was wearing a pair of Avery’s old sweat pants that were at least two sizes too large for him and a worn-looking white t-shirt that was also large on him.

  His eyes were bright and no longer swollen-looking. The brightness to his smile gave the impression that we weren’t mere days away from our complete disruption. He was enjoying the moment—living for the now. He’d had two glasses of chocolate milk and two sandwiches during our board game; I was thankful to see his appetite had returned.

  “I need to pee.” Jessie was slow to stand from the seated position as he stretched and made his way down the hall.

  I immediately turned my attention to our host. This was the first opportunity I’d been given to apologize. “Avery…look, I’m so incredibly sorry. I know…I know I have some major technicalities and the way I behaved was not only inappropriate it was completely disrespectful and humiliating. Please forgive me.”

  Avery instantly smiled, yet his eyes remained fixed on the game pieces. “I firmly believe that there is good in every bad person and bad in every good person. I know what happened to you is a major contribution. I also believe there’s a lot of shit life done flung at you that was out of your control. That said, I also know you know how to survive…and not the good kind. I wish nothing but the best for you and that boy, but I know you’re dangerous, Kacey. You play fast and loose and you look at the world through the eyes of a hurt little girl. Perhaps you’re quick to hurt others before they hurt you. You’re a beautiful girl, Kacey…young and beautiful. I think once you realize that not everyone is out to get you, ya might be able to relax a bit.”

  His words stung. They left my chin contracting and my lips tight together as my eyes flooded. My emotions captured Avery’s attention.

  “Hey…don’t cry. I can’t walk in your shoes.”

  “I just…I just wanted to apologize. I wanted you to know that I was genuinely sorry. I wanted you to know that I really am sorry. That’s all.”

  “Apology accepted.” His tone was much as lighter I heard the toilet flush.

  “I’m not completely bad…I don’t think I’m a bad person.”

  He grabbed my hand—squeezing it tightly. “I don’t think so either. Sometimes it just takes a bit to get it all sorted out…but I’m sure you’ll get there someday.”

  “I hope so, Avery. Thanks again for all you’ve done.”

  Avery patted my hand as Jessie rejoined our Scrabble game.

  “Longest pee in Jessie Kasper history.” His proud proclamation was abruptly followed by a quick flicker of the lights and then darkness.

  “Dammit! That’s been happening more and more lately.” Avery stood and made his way through the darkened room to the window. Pulling the cheap-looking mini-blinds up allowed some soft gray light to peek into the small living area.

  “Can I help you with something, Avery?”

  “No thanks, Jessie. I’ll grab some candles and a flashlight. Make sure if you two get in the fridge you shut it back right quick so you don’t let out the cool air too fast.”

  In an irritated manner, Avery searched through drawers in the kitchen. A series of deep and exaggerated exhalations gave the impression that the situation had greatly pained him.

  “Kids I’ll be back in about ten minutes.”

  Marching to the flimsy front door, he opened it and stepped out. I watched as his image appeared to be swallowed whole by the massive downpour. I looked to Jessie as the door closed behind Avery.

  “Poor guy. He’s gonna be drenched.”

  “He’s probably used to it, Kacey. He said it happens quite a bit…or he eluded to that.”

  “I still feel bad for him. He’s a nice guy.”

  “I agree. I might go see if there’s something I can do to help him.”

  “Nope. I only have a few days with you, Jessie Kasper. I can’t have you catching a cold or something.”

  I stretched out backward on the floor—reaching my arms behind my head in a full stretch. Jessie’s wriggling fingers went digging into my belly, tickling me just as I was beginning to relax.

  “Hey!” My laughter was explosive as he climbed over me, looking down at me. He rested his entire weight atop me and began kissing my neck. Initially I tensed—stiff and frigid, I found myself wanting Avery to come back through the door. Pacing my breath, I remembered, he is not them, and allowed the warmth to overcome me. Within seconds my eyes were sealed shut.

  “Can I touch you? I want to touch you.” His soft words entered my ear so easily—there was nothing forced. I wanted it.

  “But if he comes back…yes…you can.”

  As his cold fingers made their way down the front of my pants I was surprised to find the resident feeling of guilt that had typically been associated with similar situations was not there. I felt nothing but excitement. I ached for more and was thankful to feel him unbuttoning my jeans for greater access.

  I wanted to pleasure him too, but my hand was pushed away gently when I reached for him. “This is about you.” His breath caressed the side of my neck as his mouth kissed its way to mine. Our lips locked for nearly an entire minute and then my legs began shaking—my breath heavy as I bit my lip and dug my fingertips into the carpet below us.

  Kissing my forehead he chuckled slightly.

  “What, Jess?”

  “You almost beat my record.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The candlelight dancing in the darks of Jessie’s eyes created a scene more beautiful than any skilled artist could put to canvas or any poet to paper. Sitting around the tiny table, I was actually pleased with the fact that Avery had failed to resurrect the electricity. He had frozen time.

  Avery’s phone had neither a signal nor internet service—we were stuck entertaining ourselves the remainder of the evening.

  Watching Jessie I felt nothing but connection—a longing to be next to him. Nothing about his presence gave me a nauseating feeling of disgust—even after he touched me. It is one thing to hear someone describe a “breakthrough” or to be told witness of such an event; but to feel a breakthrough taking place was just beyond magnificent. The only word I could formulate to accurately describe it was healthy. If not for the chaotic factors surrounding our existence, the rocks hurling themselves into our fragility—I might continue this progression. For now it was back to Monopoly.

  “Bologna…” Avery looked to both of us, his gaze prodding us to respond to the simple word.

  “What is bologna, the game?” Jessie was clearly stumped.

  “No, buddy…do you kids want some bologna sandwiches?”

  “My dad calls me that.”

  “Calls you what, Jessie…bologna?”

  Jessie chuckled as he stretched his arms behind his head. “No…he calls me bud or buddy more than he calls me Jessie.”

 
Avery stood from the table with one of the candles. Each time I felt even the slightest hint of regret crawling toward me I merely looked toward Jessie in the hopes that his smile would anchor me. It was working. Attempting to navigate through my psychology and decipher what was healthy from what was unnatural or abnormal was tough. Coupling that with the fact that my entire existence had been completely eviscerated, stuffed back together sloppily and would soon present itself for further dismemberment was a bit overwhelming.

  “I don’t want anything to eat, Avery. My nerves have my insides all tangled.”

  “You sure, Kacey? What about you Jessie?”

  “Nope…I’m about ready to turn in. Thank you though.”

  Avery twisted his entire core, popping his back. “Yea…it is getting late. I’ll be running to town and will be gone most of the day tomorrow. I can trust my place won’t be cleaned out when I get home?”

  Jessie’s lips curled into as smile—his arms crossing as he shook his head sleepily. “We’re a lot of things…but not thieves.”

  “I’m messing with you, bud. I trust you. When’s the big day?”

  “Not tomorrow but the day after that. We’ll go in first thing in the morning.” The words were vile coming from my mouth. Like a sacrificial lamb, Jessie and I would offer our days together to reality—time would resume and our time would end; at least for now.

  “Well, I guess I’ll turn in too.” As Avery walked past me he patted me on the shoulder and then disappeared into the darkness.

  Jessie’s hand reached for mine. “Let’s go.”

  With my free hand I grabbed the candle and we made our way to the bedroom down the hall.

  Closing the door I placed the fat white candle atop the dresser. Surprisingly it lit the small bedroom quite well.

  Jessie grabbed either of my shoulders and kissed my forehead. “You nervous?”

  Inhaling deeply I attempted to accurately formulate a description for my feelings—there was none. “Nah…not really nervous. I’m with you now. I think we should concentrate on the now.”

  “I agree.”

  Taking his face in my hands, I gently pressed his lips to mine. A random thought of the movie Armageddon flashed through my head. I found comfort thinking if the world were to end tonight—my life would be okay; I wouldn’t have to worry about tomorrow and everything I truly cared for was here with me. A selfish thought, yes—but it was only a thought.

  Stepping back from him I removed my shirt and sports bra. Watching the instant excitement mounting in his eyes, I took a deep breath and removed my jeans and underwear. Walking to the bed—I waited for the feeling of sickness to come creeping into my gut like a bacterium into a finger cut—but it didn’t. I was completely nude in front of a man, even from the waist down, and it was okay; I felt nothing but excitement—I was okay.

  “Should I…should I blow out the candle?” Jessie’s words were choppy and riddled with anticipation as his gaze cascaded over me.

  “Nope. But uh…what is this?” Pointing to his clothed body, I sat back anxiously on the bed as he undressed at an impressive speed leaving nothing but his white socks as he remained by the door.

  Looking at his nude body I was pleased to find that nothing about him or his anatomy was immediately revolting to me. Everything was him—or an extension of him; Jessie. He wasn’t scary, malicious, or insidious; he was Jessie, and I loved him—all of him.

  “Come here.”

  Jessie immediately walked to me as I pushed myself back on the bed. This wasn’t our first encounter—but it felt different. I was going into it feeling at ease and even happy. It was sad to think that the most normal-feeling sexual experience I’d had was in the back of a trailer house of a man I’d only recently met while on the run for murdering my uncle. Perhaps the reality of losing Jessie in a day’s time expedited the psychological detangling enough to gauge the reality of the situation. Jessie was not them; his body was not theirs—and neither were his intentions. Jessie was good, and he loved me and for that I had nothing but love to give back to him; all of him.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The sound of their deep voices woke me from my slumber. Jessie and Avery were conversing in the kitchen. Staring at the ceiling a disgusting feeling of loss beckoned tears to my eyes. In twenty-four hours I would be on my way to the police station. They would separate us and I would be without him for God only knows how long.

  The closing front door snapped me from my grim reality as I heard Avery walking to his truck. As soon as the engine started, Jessie’s footsteps resounded down the hall toward me. Opening the door, he shot me a half-smile, but he appeared out of sorts.

  “Hey Jess.”

  “Hey beautiful.” His words were soft—too soft. Making his way to the bed he was quick to sit down, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

  “What’s wrong, Jessie?” My hand reached for his arm as Jessie continued staring at the wall.

  “Noth…nothin’.” His tone—somber and distant, matched the ache in my core.

  “Talk to me, Jess.”

  “You’ll think it’s silly…with everything else we got going on, you’ll think it’s silly.”

  “Nope. Not a chance.” Propping myself on my side, I lightly rubbed his back as I waited for his words.

  “Feel this.” Jessie lifted his tight gray t-shirt over his torso exposing his ribs. He began prodding his side about ten inches below his armpit.

  My fingers traced his rib—where he was pointing to, but my gaze was fixed on his face—he was completely wracked with anxiety.

  “Your rib is a little out of place it feels like.”

  “It could be…it could be from something growing in there and pushing it out.”

  “What? Growing?”

  “Yea.” He nodded his head confidently while staring at the wall, as if he’d already made up his mind.

  “Avery said he thought it was just a little out of place too, but I haven’t noticed it before.”

  “You showed Avery?”

  “I had to. I didn’t wanna wake you up so I was just pacing in the living room. He came out and knew I was stressing…I just told him.”

  Approaching the situation cautiously, I flattened out on my back. “Hey, Jess…feel this.” Grabbing his hand I maneuvered it along my ribcage. Curiosity had his eyes squinting as he began examining my ribs without my assistance.

  “Your…your rib sticks out even further than mine.”

  “Yep. And I had imagery just a few months ago because my doctor thought I was having gallbladder issues. There’s nothing in there but what is supposed to be, Jess. They pop out of place occasionally because of repetitive actions or working out. It’s probably been like that for a while now and you’ve just now noticed it.”

  Watching the worry melt from his face was magical. I lifted my hand back under his shirt and tickled his stomach.

  “Oh…okay.” His mood was instantly lifted.

  “When I played volleyball my ribs would give me issues all the time. You’re good…swear.”

  “Cool.” His smile wasn’t forced—but genuine. I was certain I’d convinced him he was okay.

  “Is the electricity back on yet?”

  “Nah. Avery said hopefully he can get it back tonight.”

  “Oh well. At least it’s not completely dark.”

  ***

  In the kitchen Jessie wolfed down a bowl of Lucky Charms and was working on a second. I was thankful the milk was still chilled—and I was thankful his anxiety had been quelled to the point he could eat breakfast.

  “The rain stopped. The sun is actually out.” His words were muffled with cereal as milk escaped his mouth and made its way down his chin—coaxing me to laugh.

  “What?” His cheeks were full as he smiled.

  “You hungry? You act like you haven’t eaten in days.”

  “Cereal time is the best time.”

  “What’s your favorite cereal?”

  Swallowing the massive
cheeks-full of breakfast, Jessie was quick to answer. “Fruity Pebbles. I could live off of Fruity Pebbles.”

  “I doubt that, but okay.”

  “Nah…seriously. A massive bowl of Fruity Pebbles will be my last meal request when this is all over.”

  “What?”

  Setting his spoon down, Jessie looked towards me. My sharp tone assured him his comment had caught me off guard.

  “I was…I was just kidding.”

  “That’s not funny, Jessie. You are going to walk away from this and continue being the awesome person that you are. I killed him…not you. I’m sure there will be repercussions for leaving with me but you are going to tell them exactly what they need to hear—”

  “Kacey I can’t just—”

  “You’re nineteen, Jessie. You’re going to get this sorted out and go to college next year and totally win at this thing called life. All you have to do is tell the truth…kinda.”

  “Kinda?” His tone and expression were clearly put off.

  “I’m going to tell the investigators that you walked in on me beating my uncle. That you walked in on me after the fact…that you never hit him and I begged you to take me away. You will confirm the story.”

  “No…Kacey, I won’t. We both hit him. And I don’t even care! I’m glad we killed him. I’m glad he’s dead! What he did to you and what he had been doing to you…and after he knew what your grandpa did? No…we did this together and I don’t regret a damn bit of it. I was just protecting my girlfriend.”

  “And I thank you for that, Jessie. Now let me…let me protect my boyfriend. Jessie I love you so much. I honestly do. I’m gonna keep it real with you. If the worst-case scenario happened…if they said to hell with our plight and threw us away like trash in the system…” My words began to fail me as I reached for his hand.

  “Jessie…you’re not healthy enough mentally to handle being sent away. What if you go barging in there and tell them that you killed my uncle and they send you to prison? Do you really think your cellmate is going to give a damn when your anxiety convinces you that you’re sick? No…I love you so much, but I need you to know that this world has already hurt me as much as it possibly can; anything else is just insult. I can handle anything they give me at this point…but the reality of it is that you can’t; and I’m not going to let you.”