Messy Love

by Stephanie Witter

  She eyed me a while longer, and I must have been convincing because she nodded and patted my hand, the one on the kitchen countertop. “What would you think if I told Ava about Marissa?’’

  That one came from left field. And it was yet another blow for me, at least that’s how it felt. Ava was my sister. I closed my eyes then and silently cursed this mayhem.

  Ava was also Marissa’s sister.

  “Ava is too young, Mom,’’ I said quietly, voice so damn calm I didn’t sound like myself.

  “Your father thinks she’s smart enough to understand the situation if I explain it correctly to her. I’m afraid, don't get me wrong, but he made me realize that it would never get easier to tell her, no matter how old she is.’’

  “Have you told Marissa? Because knowing how curious Ava is, she’s going to want to meet her.’’

  “Marissa isn’t ready right now. She needs more time, I think.’’

  “She doesn’t want to meet Ava?’’

  “No, she wants to, but she says that she’s not in the right place to be there if Ava needs her for now.’’

  The damn boulder I was so familiar with made another appearance. “Looks like Marissa will be a part of the family, uh?’’

  “I…I…’’ she stuttered and then stopped herself, her eyes dropping to the floor.

  “It’s okay, Mom. I knew it was coming. Everything started changing the moment she came to the house.’’

  “I’m not sure she’ll ever want to be a part of the family. She has her own life, after all. I just want her to know that I’m here if she needs me. I don’t want any secrets in my life. Do you understand?’’

  For someone with as many fucked up secrets as I had, I understood it too much.

  “Yeah, yeah I do.’’ I blew out some air through my parted lips. “Do whatever you think is best for you and Ava. I can deal with it.’’

  “Are you sure?’’ She stared at me a long time, visibly taken aback by my sudden calm when minutes ago I blew a gasket over what seemed like nothing.

  “Yeah, don’t worry about me.’’ I couldn’t tell her that the twisted part of me thanked that new turn of event that meant that I’d see Marissa again. The other part of me cowered in fear and in turn, raged like a lion in a cage at the prospect of losing more and more place in the Burton family. Like always, I was torn in different directions, never knowing which way was up and I was fucking tired of it. “Listen, Mom, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I'm beat. Work was a pain, and I’m a few clients short, so there’s a good chance my hours will get cut—’’

  “Oh no!’’

  “Don’t worry. I’ll get more clients. It’ll soon be summer. People often come for training then.’’

  “If I can do something… Oh, I know! What if I came to the gym and became one of your clients? It couldn’t hurt losing the extra weight.’’

  “You’d probably hate me ten minutes in,’’ I said with a chuckle and hugged her quickly. “And you’re good just the way you are. It’s not like you don’t exercise.’’

  “Alright. If you change your mind, let me know. I’m sure I could rope in a few mothers from Ava’s school too if need be.’’

  She caressed my cheek covered in scruff and then went back to the couch where she left her purse before leaving me to my thoughts, my fears and my need for a woman who fucked me up without meaning to.

  MARISSA

  I was thankful for Aimee, my sister-in-law, for getting me out of the dining table and away from my parents and Jamie’s prying eyes. I was lucky to have these people in my life and for their care for me, but while on paper it was great, it was damn tiring to repeat every thirty minutes or so that you’re fine even if you feel nothing but and it shows.

  I wasn’t smiling and joking around with Jamie like usual. Instead, I was mostly quiet, enquiring about my future nephew growing in Aimee’s ever-expanding belly and asked my parents how work was at the family construction company. That resumed my contribution to our family lunch, the one Aimee and Jamie wanted to host every month, so I would come back and visit. It also meant that I had to spend four hours in the car to attend this lunch, but it was nice to be with my family. My real family.

  “Wow, Aimee!’’ I exclaimed when I finally saw the nursery fully furnished and ready for the baby. Everything was a blend of white and gray, with the colorful stuffed animals, so many I couldn’t count, the stark contrast that livened up the room. “That crib is gorgeous!’’

  “I’m pretty sure your brother still has nightmare from the price,’’ she said in laughter, a hand on her round belly. Her blonde hair was down, waving freely around her heart-shaped face glowing from her pregnancy and the love she shared with my brother. “We went overboard. I’m pretty sure we won’t be going on vacation for years with the way we’ve been spending money for the baby.’’

  “Nothing less than the best for this little guy,’’ I said and gently caressed her belly, smiling big when I felt a tiny kick.

  “You sound just like Jamie.’’ She walked past me and caressed the edge of the beautiful crib painted white with a gray fabric making it look like a cloud just waiting for the baby. I couldn’t wait to meet my nephew and hold him. He would be spoiled by his parents, his grandparents and his aunt. “I asked him to leave you alone, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand that you’re not a little kid he has to protect anymore.’’

  “I wouldn’t take him any other way,’’ I said and touched with the tips of my fingers a sand-colored teddy bear. It was incredibly soft against my skin. “And I'm all right, so there’s no need to worry. You can tell him.’’

  “Are you sure?’’ She sat on the big chair in the corner of the room, right next to the fancy changing table and put both of her hands on her belly. “You’ve met your birth mother. It shows that it’s doing a number on you.’’

  “Of course it does, but it doesn’t mean I’m not fine. I’m processing,’’ I replied a bit harsher than I intended and quickly apologized. “I’ve been on a roller coaster since I’ve met her and her adoptive son hadn’t been helping, but I think it’s going to be okay. Lydia Burton, that’s my birth mother, asked me if I wanted to meet her biological daughter.’’

  “Really?’’ Aimee’s almond-shaped eyes opened wider. “Does it mean you’ve been in contact with her ever since? Jamie didn’t say anything.’’

  “He doesn’t know.’’ I glanced at the opened door and listened to make sure nobody was coming, but then I heard my father’s very distinctive laugh and relaxed. “I met with her last Monday. It’s just the second time I’ve been in contact with her, but she’s great. I… I can’t explain it.’’

  “I don’t think there are words to describe that sort of thing.’’

  “Probably not.’’

  “And what about the guy? Jamie said that he’s a piece of work and really intense.’’

  “Wyatt is something alright.’’ I pulled back from the rows of stuffed animals on the dresser and leaned against it, crossing my arms. “I’ve never met someone like him and—''

  “My God!’’ Aimee blurted and straightened.

  “What? Is it the baby?’’ I asked, alarmed and ready to scream for my brother to come quick.

  “Huh? Oh no, the baby’s fine.’’ She waved my concern away and then pointed at me. “You’re attracted to your birth mother’s adoptive son. That’s soap opera material right there.’’

  “Haha.’’ I rolled my eyes and smiled ruefully. “I’m not attracted to him. He’s an asshole and way too damaged for anyone’s good.’’

  “Right.’’ She pursed her lips and toyed with a strand of hair that fell past her shoulder. “I respect it if you don’t want to talk about it, but don’t take me for an idiot. It’s written all over your face. That and something like contempt.’’

  “And you believe that I’d feel contempt for a guy I’m interested in? I think those pregnancy hormones are hitting you hard.’’

  “Ha! You’re on
the defensive, just like Jamie when I’m right.’’ She smiled triumphantly at me. My grumpy look and glare didn’t deter her one bit. “I know there’s something you’re not telling me so I’ll bide my time.’’

  “Now you sound like a maniacal psychopath.’’

  “Hm, careful then.’’ She wiggled her eyebrows, and we both laughed, but when my phone buzzed with an incoming text in my jeans pocket, tension came back in my body, locking me down with a feeling that made me question how come I could guess it was Wyatt.

  Five minutes later when we left the nursery, I checked my phone and quietly gasped behind Aimee.

  It truly was a text from Wyatt.

  I told you. Everything is changing, and once you’re in Ava’s life, it’s forever. It means our lives are entwined. We can’t escape each other. What now?

  ***

  WYATT

  “You shouldn’t have sent that fuckin' text,’’ Ralph said after we finished watching the first season of Games of Throne and we threw back one last beer from the six-pack he brought to my place a few hours ago to binge watch.

  “I know,’’ I grunted and pushed away the empties on the coffee table to put my feet there. “Marissa Thornton makes me do stupid things.’’

  “Nah, you’ve always done stupid things, but because she’s called you out on your bullshit you know it.’’

  “Don’t pull any punches, asshole,’’ I mumbled and glared at the credits on the flat screen.

  “Pff, you’ve got a thick skin when you want.’’ Ralph yawned loudly and checked the time on his phone. “Shit, it’s getting late. My dad wants me to join him on a job to repair a house's roof at first light. Lucky me.’’

  “Can’t blame your old man. You came back from New York without a music contract and no idea of how to earn your dough.’’

  “Yeah, yeah. I know,’’ he replied somberly and stood up just when someone knocked at the door. “Did you send a booty call?’’

  “Nah,’’ I replied curtly and pushed him out of my way once I was on my feet. He followed me closely as I made my way to the door and opened. “Marissa?’’ I asked, my guards down and my frown, the one I usually had whenever she was around, nowhere in sight.

  “Hey, sweetheart,’’ Ralph said and lightly punched me in the back, his laughter too loud. The guy tormented me on a daily basis, and it looked like he enjoyed my mess way too much. “Didn’t know you were comin'.’’

  “Hey, Ralph. It wasn’t planned. Sorry to crash your guy night.’’ She hiked up her purse on her shoulder and fidgeted.

  “It’s all good. I was about to leave anyway. I’m supposed to work early tomorrow.’’ He grimaced and sidestepped me to give her a bear hug quickly and strolled away with a waved over his shoulder and his laughter trailing after him.

  “I expected an answer by text, not in person,’’ I said after a good, long minute spent there in awkward and tense silence.

  “I didn’t expect a text from you at all,’’ she replied, but without the annoyance, I was sure I’d hear in her voice.

  “Yeah, about that…’’

  “Don’t say you’re sorry.’’

  “Why not?’’

  “Because it took a lot from me to have the guts to show up at your place.’’

  “Come in then.’’

  ***

  MARISSA

  We were both sitting on the couch facing the TV on HBO with the credits rolling from Game of Thrones if I wasn’t mistaken. The music in this TV series was distinctive.

  Where I would usually curl on my couch to watch an episode while begging more or less vocally for my favorite characters to not die, here, I was tensed and so very conscious of Wyatt’s imposing body next to me that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

  Instead, I listened to his breathing, even and deep. I tuned into his every little movement, like the way his hands opened and closed into fists every few seconds. And mostly, I silently berated myself for coming here instead of just texting back something or calling. I was so sure it’d be easier to face him…

  I was clueless and also delusional because my very being reacted to this man and most of the time I couldn’t place a word on that reaction. All I knew was that my flesh raised into goosebumps while my heart pumped blood always harder and faster.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?’’ he asked ruefully, breaking the silence at last.

  I cleared my throat with uneasiness and ran my hands along my thighs, again and again. “Is there anything I could say to make all of this more bearable? Let’s be honest, Wyatt. We’re fucked up whenever we’re in the same room.’’ I shook my head and glanced at him before I let my eyes drift away and back to the TV. Locking eyes with him only made my heart give a painful squeeze. “I shouldn’t have come here, but I thought seeing you would make things more clear.’’

  “My text wasn’t a way to warn you off,’’ he said and rubbed at his face so hard I wondered if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself somehow. He breathed into his hands and then straightened to trap me in his stare, right when I thought I could escape him and look away again. Not this time.

  I got lost in the darkness there, a bottomless hole that drew me in once again. When staring into his eyes, I always seemed to find myself searching for a light in there, proof that he wasn’t only made of sadness, fear, and anger. He made it impossible to pass through his shields, and I knew for a fact that even when I thought I was through, it was when I risked the most pain.

  “Why did you ask Ralph to make me contact your mother?’’

  His frown deepened, and his chest expanded distractedly at his deep inhalation. “Believe it or not, but once in a while I can stop being selfish.’’ There it was. A flicker. Something lighter. Something tender. Something that had my heart stuttering pitifully in my chest. “My mom needed to see you, and I owed you that much after…’’ he trailed off then and dropped his eyes to his legs widely spread apart.

  “Yeah.’’ I licked my lips and fixed my gaze on his tats, my eyes lingering a bit longer on the skulls and the flowers surrounding it. “But what about your text?’’

  His eyelids shut tightly and the expression briefly twisting his face wasn’t unlike something you’d see on someone when in pain. But as quickly as it came, it was gone. Once again, Wyatt showed me how good he was at keeping a tight leash on what’s underneath that hard exterior.

  “I guess it was my way of trying to do damage control. Once you meet Ava, we’ll be in each other’s life, and I don’t want her to feel the confusion that’s between us.’’

  “You mean, you don’t want your little sister to see the kind of guy you are beyond the big brother you are with her.’’

  “She’ll know soon enough that I’m an asshole,’’ he bit back, eyes hard on me, lips thinning as he battled with his anger and the fears that never left him. “I’ve never pretended to be a good guy, Marissa. That’s not something I can pretend to be, but I sure will never hurt my little sister. That doesn’t mean she won’t figure it out on her fucking own when she grows up.’’

  “You’re moody and an ass with people who threaten a part of your life you cherish, but I don’t think you’re a bad guy with your family. And I see where you’re coming from.’’

  “Yeah?’’ he asked, an eyebrow arched in obvious doubt. But where the subject was sensitive, his face didn’t close off. In fact, he appeared to be relaxing bit by bit. Even his gaze warmed as he stared at me.

  “You want to protect Ava.’’ I cringed when I thought of that little girl’s reaction if she discovered about me. “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to tell her. She’s so young.’’

  “That’s what I said, but I don’t know how much is from fear of letting you further in my family and how much is from needing to protect Ava.’’

  “Wow.’’ I blinked at him and offered a tiny smile. “That’s pretty honest of you.’’

  He shrugged and chuckled. He wasn’t making any sound, but his shoulders shook, and
his mouth stretched wider, crookedly, until his front teeth peeked from between his lips. I noticed his dimple through his thick scruff.

  “My screw up is out in the open, better embrace it and all that shit now,’’ he mumbled.

  At that moment, stillness invaded the room to sit on our shoulders. It muted all other sounds to my ears and left me there, a prey to who Wyatt was. “How can we be in each other’s life when I can’t help but drive you away and want to draw you in at every second?’’

  “I…’’ I started and then stopped to take a deep breath. My lungs burned with the need for more oxygen, but I fought the urge to breath faster, louder. I was desperate for calm and detachment. That, better than getting sucked in again and losing a bit more of my self-esteem. I pushed away the sudden ache low in my belly, the sudden wetness in my panties, the way my blood lit a fire through my whole body. I ignored everything. Or I tried because that wetness was there, nagging me, making me clench. I pressed my thighs tighter together, and I gulped. “Don’t. I can’t go there again.’’

  He leaned closer, his eyes turning always more entrancing as they took most of my sight. The faint beer smell coming from his mouth mixed with his smell I remembered from that night called out to me. It called out to me so much that I caught myself leaning closer, eyelids heavy and lips tingling.

  “Then do something to make me want you less,’’ he urged me, voice tight as his jaw locked and his hand went up, ready to cup my face.

  I leaned back just when his warmth seeped into my skin, melting my bones. “You don’t even like me,’’ I breathed out.

  His hand, still up between us slowly lowered until it engulfed my thigh tightly, possessively. If anything, that touch had my heart soaring more as the ache in my belly intensified. He broke me. Something told me he would always break me.

  “Don’t you know it? Good always attracts bad.’’ Once again, he got closer, so much closer that his nose skimmed mine and nothing but his eyes, so dark and vibrant took over my sight, my damn world. “I want you so fucking bad, Marissa. It’s eating at me, just like these damn fears do. So, as I texted you… What now?’’