“Then go.’’ Flat voice with nothing there to hang onto, to give me hope, to make me think he wasn’t fully determined. Just two words, two shitty words to end this, us, just when he had given me hope for more.
***
MARISSA
I pushed open the door to InkSpired the next morning, conscious of my bloodshot eyes and the lack of colors in my cheeks, but I kept my head high, my brows furrowed and my lips pursed.
After spending hours yesterday crying over my stupid heart and my failed “relationship’’, if it had ever been one to begin with, I woke up with the kind of anger at the world that helped me leave my bed without shedding too many tears. It also assured me that I would be able to do my work without too much trouble.
I was mad at myself, felt stupid for trusting Wyatt and opening myself up like I did, but I was also aware that none of this was my fault.
Wyatt was the asshole who broke my heart. Granted, I gave him the opening to do it, but he was the one with issues and the constant need to hurt someone.
I gritted my teeth when Sophie’s eyes widened at the front desk, but I held my hand up to silence her. “Nothing to talk about.’’
“O-kay.’’ She blinked at me behind her thick-framed glasses and eyed me as I made my way to the hall without another look back or greetings words for Kam and Jade already prepping their stations. “No hello? No nothing?’’
I clenched my hands at my sides, but said nothing and kept on walking to store my purse in the lockers on the far back of the office. Once my bag was safely locked away, I pressed my forehead against the cold metal and breathed in deeply. The chilly metal didn’t ease my headache or relax me in any way, but I still managed to get my heart to beat at normal speed and unclenched my fists. The pain inside my chest where Wyatt had run a wrench through my heart still hurt. The pain didn’t lessen, but after spending almost twenty-four hours in pain and a state of intense distress, I reasoned myself to my new truth.
I would hurt a long time because of Wyatt. It wouldn’t go away with a few tears, a pint of ice cream devoured and four chick-flicks watched on Netflix.
Usually, when you broke up with someone, or someone treated you like a used tissue; you could say goodbye without risking crossing paths with them too often, or at all. With Wyatt, things were a lot trickier. He was the adoptive son of the woman who had abandoned me at birth, the biological mother who welcomed me into her life now and wished to develop a relationship with me.
How could you escape someone when their life was entwined with yours?
“Hey.’’ Sophie’s voice, hesitant and soft, startled me out of my thought.
With a last deep breath, I turned around and offered her a sad smile that had my eyes burn with tears I didn’t want to let out again. I had cried way too much already.
“What happened?’’
I shook my head and shrugged at the same time. Even my body language was a mess. I had no idea how to say it aloud. A broken heart hurt a lot more than I was sure of before I met Wyatt. It gave me pause as to wonder if I had been in love before, if I wasn’t screwed up inside to fall so hard and so fast for a guy like Wyatt who had started by acting out against me, by hurting me knowingly.
“Is it about… uh…’’
“Yeah,’’ I said and closed my eyes, leaning against the lockers behind me. “I should have never let him in.’’
“Oh, Mar, it’s not yours—''
“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault,’’ I stopped her, eyes now open and hard on her. She sucked in a breath at the look on my face, and the brief hurt registered on hers had me apologizing in a whisper. “I’m not made to be with someone who’s a mess. This whole thing screamed of a heartbreak waiting to happen, but I let him drag me into his life. God, and I thought…’’
“What?’’
She walked in and closed the door behind her, protecting me from the nosey Jade and Kam’s critical eyes. She crossed the room and leaned against the lockers next to me, putting her head on my shoulder. She was too short to wrap an arm around my shoulders when we were both standing.
“Saturday night was… I don’t know. It was different. I was sure that it meant something.’’
“Didn’t you tell me he was scared of getting attached? Maybe he freaked out again.’’
“It wasn’t that at all, believe me.’’ I dried a tear that fell and cursed loudly in the quiet office before I pulled away from the comfort Sophie gave me. She’d have me in a pool of tears in no time if she kept on mellowing me. “It’s not my problem anymore anyway. I won’t feel like shit because of him. It’s over.’’
“Mar…’’
“I’m serious, Sophie. I’m not a fucking martyr, and I don’t need a guy to be happy. I better focus on my career and finish this never-ending apprenticeship. My life doesn’t revolve around Wyatt Burton.’’
“Alright, alright.'' She placated me in a soothing voice. "You should have called me yesterday.’’
“Why? So, you could watch me cry my weight in tears and eat a nauseating amount of ice cream? I needed that time to myself, and I felt too shitty for letting a hot guy win me over when I should have been running in the opposite direction.’’
“Too bad hot guys always seem to find their way in our lives,’’ she said and forced a cheerful smile to her face, just to try and cheer me up. “Come on, let’s get started on this day and then we’ll grab a beer or two at the bar tonight. We’re long overdue for a girls’ night and what best than a girls’ night to trash talk the male population?’’
***
WYATT
I pressed decline when my mom’s name flashed on my phone. It was the second time today, the seventh time this week and it was only Tuesday. I glared at the phone on the coffee table. When it didn’t ring back, I let some of the tension in my shoulders go.
My days were made of darkness since I broke Marissa’s heart, hurting her to protect her better, but she didn’t know it. I bet she had been bitching me since last Sunday, calling me every name under the sun. She probably believed that I didn’t fucking hurt from missing her, from hurting her that way. Shit, for all I knew she regretted what happened between us when I could never regret it. She offered me temporary relief from my darkness, showed me life in another light, forcing me to open my eyes to what could have been if only I hadn’t been fucked from the moment I took my first breath.
The worst was since I had found my old stuffed turtle on my doorstep after someone made sure to knock and leave before I could catch who I knew was my biological father playing tricks on me, nothing happened. I was lulled into a false sense of safety, making me nearly believe that I fucked up one of the best things that had ever happened to me for absolutely nothing. But that wasn’t the truth.
I knew it in every bone of my body. I knew it in every beat of my heart.
My fucked up biological father, the man that had put that darkness inside of me, bid his time until I was weakened and he’d get me down. I had no idea what he wanted, but nothing good could come from this.
My life was on the brink of another change, and that change wouldn’t bring anything good to me. That was probably why I screened my parents’ phone calls, why it took Ralph to come to my place to get in touch with m. Why I hid away in my apartment and then worked at the gym harder under the watchful eyes of my boss who had warned me yesterday to curb my mood with the clients.
It was easy for him to say when his whole damn world wasn’t about to get destroyed, when he hadn’t taken out of his fucking chest his heart to stomp on it because of his son of a bitch biological father.
“You should answer that,’’ Ralph mumbled while munching on pizza leftover I hadn’t bothered warming up. I hadn’t eaten anything healthy since Saturday, and I didn’t see that changing anytime soon. I was in a 'fuck it all' mood. Better that than the scared little boy attitude I showed on Sunday after Marissa left and the tears I cried for five minutes when her absence hit me like a ton brick on my chest.
“I've had it with you. Shit, man, what crawled up your ass?’’ He threw the crust of his pizza on the open box and glared at me from his seat on the couch. I didn’t have to glance at him to see his annoyed face. I saw plenty enough in the corner of my eyes.
“I didn’t ask you to come here.’’
“Right. Because you’re avoidin' everybody. Shit, man, if you fucked up with Marissa again, take it on yourself, not on the others and do somethin' to get back with her.’’
“Shut up.’’
“I’m tired of—''
“I said to SHUT THE FUCK UP!’’ I screamed at the top of my lungs, my voice roaring so loudly my ears rang. My chest heaved, the up and down motion accentuation the sickness I felt growing inside of me, that same urge to puke my guts up always present since Sunday morning.
I turned to face Ralph, and the surprise on his face that had his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging wide didn’t register immediately. It sure didn’t stop me from reaching out to grab the neck of his t-shirt and pulled him closer to my face. He was leanly muscled, but still, a brick to move usually, but it was nothing against the madness within me, fed by my demons.
I pulled him close until we were nose to nose. My eyes planted in his dared him to open his trap and say some shit I didn’t want to hear again. He didn’t. He was smart enough to get that I was past my limits and that nothing good could come out of this moment.
A nagging voice in the back of my head whispered to me that I was fucking up left and right, but that didn’t stop me, even if that voice sounded an awful lot like my adoptive mother. She had been my conscience from the moment I had met her, and it had helped me calm down when I sometimes went on a rampage, but this time around, it did nothing to me. In fact, it only reminded me that what I had thought was a part of my past wasn’t.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ralph. You think you have it tough for not finding success in New York and being back here with your parents that are getting on your nerves? Man, I wish I had that kind of issues to bitch about. Get out of my hair. Now.’’ I pushed him away so hard his back hit the back of the couch with a thud.
His mouth shut tight then and with a shake of his head, he jumped to his feet and walked out of the apartment.
Another person left that I drove away.
I put my elbows on my legs, hid my face in my hands and tugged on the roots of my hair. Desperation and fear clogged my throat. I swallowed and swallowed, but nothing could go past the knot there. I was drowning.
At least, they were all safe when he would come back.
At least, he wouldn’t hurt anybody but me.
At least, even if my actions didn’t speak highly of me, I knew that it was the price to finally be a good guy and protect the people I cared about… And the woman I loved with all my fucked up heart in spite of everything.
WYATT
I hiked my gym bag higher on my slouched shoulder and pushed away a few damp strands of hair that kept on sticking to my forehead. After today’s work, I took a quick shower and left without another word for my boss. It’s been the fifth week since he cut my hours short and I was getting more pissed when I saw that I was the only one with my hours cut by half. As if everything wasn’t already gone to shits in my life.
I sighed and pushed away thoughts of her or my family or Ralph. Since my fight with my best friend two days ago, I hadn’t heard anything from him, and I was thankful. It gave me enough room to breathe because I was tired of driving people away. That’s something I had done almost my whole life, but this went too far, even for me. And I fucking missed my girl.
Sleeping in my bed was out of the question. Instead, I would catch an hour here and there on my couch, and my dreams never failed to show me, Marissa. Sometimes moments we had shared, at times moments that we could have shared, other times, and these were the worst, I’d have a nightmare of her with another guy, a man worthy of her.
I was stuck in Purgatory, and it was from my own doing, pushed by a man I despised with all my might. But what did it say about me if I shared his blood?
I snorted at my thoughts and looked up from the uneven pavement.
“I can’t catch a fucking break,’’ I mumbled darkly to myself as I squared my shoulders and stopped near an obnoxiously white SUV. I watched the two men walking toward me, but only one had my full attention. He was a lot skinnier than his friend, but the mean look on his face didn’t offer any doubt as to how this would end.
I hadn’t seen him in months, not since that party where Marissa joined me. I had been spared his filth and junkie shit, but it wasn’t surprising that he was here now. After all, the whole damn universe was on my back.
“Wyatt. Fancy meeting you here,’’ he said, his voice a grumbling mess as if his vocal chords were damaged. I squinted at him, ignoring the sun that blinded me and noticed that he looked worse than the last time. But this time around his clothes didn’t seem like they belonged in the garbage. That was the only improvement because if anybody had asked me, I’d have said that he aged ten years in the span of a few short months.
“You don’t hang out around here. What do you want?’’
He bared his teeth in what was probably supposed to be a smile, only looked like a nasty grimace. I looked away from his yellowed teeth, his chapped lips and the way his skin seemed ready to tear in two. Instead, I stared at the big fella that accompanied him. The bulge under his shirt at the waist made me wonder if he was packing.
My heart sped up a bit.
“Don’t push me, Wyatt,’’ Tim bit out and fidgeted. One quick glance at his hands told me he was in need of a new fix. That didn’t speak well for me. Shit. Fuck. “Damn it. You’re a piece of work. Alright,’’ he went on and came close. I got a whiff of cigarette smell coming from him. His buddy wasn’t looking at us but surveyed the street as if he was used to spotting during some deal of shady stuff. “I was just wondering how’s your family.’’
“My family?’’ I pursed my lips and shook my head. “What the fuck are you talking about my family? You don’t even know them.’’ And if he hinted at anything regarding their safety, he was going to get what had been coming for him.
“I’m not talking about your precious Burtons. Come on, you’re their charity project. I’m talking about blood here.’’
Coldness sipped through me again, rendering me a mess of chills I hid by locking every muscle in my body. I was a wall, a brick wall, on the outside, but inside? Inside, I was a mess of emotions swirling through, with one predominant. Fear.
“Why do you ask? And why did you wait for me after work to catch me on my way back to my place, huh? What do you want from me?’’ I fired the questions in succession, not waiting for him to answer me because I knew he would weasel his way out, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t look him in the eye to catch something in there, anything through the fog of drugs and puddle-deep depth he showcased.
“Nothing better to do?’’ He arched a thin eyebrow, so thin I barely made out the dirty blond hairs. He tsked then. “Not all of us are gym rats like you.’’
“Yeah, and not everybody is a junkie like you.’’
He laughed then, the kind of roar that appeared crazy even to people who didn’t know the guy. It also sounded cavernous as if the man barely breathed. “Funny.’’ He fidgeted again and then glared at something behind me. If I had to guess, it was probably people coming our way, people that would put an end soon to his fucked up visit. But I didn’t check. I didn’t want to let him out of my sight, not when the guy was a basket case and was accompanied by someone who packed. “Careful of what you say, Wyatt.
You have no idea who I know. I bet I’ve got ties with someone you’d rather not see again.’’
I blinked at his words and stared at him as he went to pass by me, but just as his skinny shoulder bumped into me, making him sway sideways when I didn’t move an inch, his words registered, or rather the underlying meaning of his words.
Without realizing what I was doing, without keeping in mind that the big dude who hadn’t cracked a word could very well put a bullet in my head, I grabbed the asshole by the neck in one hand and twisted one of his arms behind his back with the other.
His wrist was tiny in my grip, so damn fragile his bones were the only thing I felt in my palm. He tried to wriggle out of my grip, but he was too weak by the drugs, the lack of muscles and he wasn’t blind with anger and fear like I was. It drove a man to great length.
“Fuck!’’ the big dude blurted and tried to get me off his junkie friend, but even if he had me by several pounds, I held on. “Let him go!’’
I grunted and pushed Tim against the brick wall. He cried in pain and closed his eyes tight, but that didn’t stop the crazy smile from stretching his lips wide until a crevice oozed blood.
“You better talk now,’’ I gritted out, my voice so tight it lashed out.
“Get off me,’’ he panted out as I squeezed his throat and pushed his arms higher on his back until I knew just a tiny little push would dislocate his shoulder. Just a push.
“Enough!’’ the guy yelled in my ear, getting me in a headlock that cut off most of my oxygen intake. It didn’t stop me.
“Who were you talking about? TELL ME!’’
And then it was over. The guy released me with a curse and cocked a gun to the back of my head. Right there in the middle of the afternoon, right where everybody could see.
I froze when the cold metal registered against my skull. Funny how my hair didn’t prevent me from feeling the weight of it and the coldness. The guy took off the safety, and I knew that if I didn’t release Tim his friend wouldn't think twice about putting that bullet in my head. I could end up there, bleeding out from the head, unrecognizable unless someone took my dental reports. I could get cold on the pavement while my parents would get a call to tell them I’d have been killed by gunshot, probably robbed.
Messy Love Page 23