And it would still boil down to one person.
My biological father.
Everything in me screamed to hurt Tim and get to the bottom of this, but even if I was driving people away from me, it didn’t mean that I was ready to leave them. My parents and Ava, they meant the world to me, and they deserved more than that pain. Ralph was my best friend and had been with me from the get-go. He was going through some shit and deserved someone to be there for him in return.
And Marissa.
Marissa was in my heart, so deep she made me want to believe, even now with a gun to my head and the prospect of getting my biological father in my life again all the more real, that better things could come.
One finger at a time, the joints aching from going against what I craved in the deepest of me, I released Tim and held up my hands in surrender. The asshole bumped his head against the wall when I stopped supporting him. His thin chest heaved. His crazed eyes settled on me with a quiet threat clear as fucking day.
The gun retreated from the back of my head and with it the big dude that crowded me.
“Don’t fucking move,’’ the guy warned and put a heavy hand on my shoulder as if to ensure I wouldn’t go after his friend again. Damn, I was dying to. I shook with the pent-up energy whirring through me. But I wouldn’t move. I chose my family, my best friend and the woman that ensnared me.
“You’re going to hurt, Wyatt,’’ Tim said darkly, spitting down near my shoes before he walked past me without another look, but he wouldn’t go without saying at least one last thing. “There are eyes on you, asshole.’’
Where I was burning up with rage and fear a moment ago, I froze instantly, my whole body going into what could only be hypothermia. I couldn’t be this cold for no reason. I couldn’t lose the sensations in my fingers and feet for no reason. And I sure couldn’t be feeling the ice in my lungs for no reason.
But it wasn’t for nothing, and the weather had nothing to do with it. Hell, it was late June already, and Atlanta wasn’t known to be cold at that time of the year. The asshole’s parting words found echo inside me as I looked around the street, stopping at everything I saw moving.
The cat that ran between cars a block down. The man that held his toddler’s hand as the kid pointed excitedly at a bird that shit on a car. The teenager that dribbled his basketball while walking up the street and bobbing his head, probably following the rhythm of the music playing in his ears. The lady that cleaned the window of her clothing shop.
And then, then I caught a man’s back as he entered a building nearby. A quick glance before the heavy door closed after him told me he was of average height, thinly muscled and with dark brown hair weaved in with gray hair. He could be anybody.
He could be my biological father.
Throat parched, heart unevenly beating in my chest and fear rendering me to the position of the little boy I used to be, the little boy that went into the corner of the closet that was used as his room to rock back and forth while hugging himself tightly in comfort.
I stood there frozen in the middle of the street, unsure if that man had been watching me. If he was my father. I stood there until the car I was standing next to beeped open, and a dapper suit walked briskly to it, distractedly and pointedly asking me to move.
I did. I moved and resumed my walk back home with the impossible certainty that the man hiding in the building had been my monster of a father.
***
MARISSA
I wiped at the guy’s knuckle to remove the surplus of ink and the blood that oozed from where I was working on the letter C in block letter, the last letter from the tattoo that represented the client’s son’s name. I kept my eyes riveted to my work while Kam and the guy talked. They were old friends, but where Kam put his love of tattoos to work, the man seemed content in coming to be Kam’s billboard display while working at an auto-body-shop out of Atlanta.
The tattoo was simple even if sometimes knuckles could be a bitch to work on, but it helped me shed the sadness that permeated me completely for close to three weeks. Three weeks since that morning at Wyatt’s place.
As his name flashed through my mind, I winced. Pushing through the throbbing pain in my chest and the lead that weighed down my stomach, I lifted the tattoo machine to the raised skin and finished the shading of the C. I took extra long just because I needed that time to fight the prickles in my eyes and be fully composed before I faced my boss and mentor.
“Alright, Arthur. It’s all done,’’ I said and wiped out the ink and blood, staring critically at my work. Once I was happy with the result, I straightened up on my stool and glanced at Kam to get his approval.
“Nice, Marissa. For once I bet my girl isn’t going to be bitching when I get home with a new tat. She always says I spend too much money on them, but this is about our little guy.’’
Kam nodded and winked at me. I smiled brightly, but while I was happy, the smile on my face wasn’t as genuine as it should be considering my apprenticeship would be over soon. Finally.
When my phone vibrated in my pocket, I ignored it at first. I had to clean my station, throw away the gloves in the disposal and then cash in Arthur, but when it vibrated again immediately after, my frown slammed down again.
“What’s up?’’ Cam asked when I failed to answer when both men addressed me. His annoyance was clear as day, but I didn’t let it get to me. Not when my phone was silent again and started vibrating a third time in a row.
“My phone keeps ringing. I…’’
“Yeah, yeah. Answer it,’’ he cut me off with a wave and snatched the cleaning supplies from my hands. I apologized to Arthur who smiled, and I grabbed my phone from my pocket. When Jamie’s name flashed on the screen, my stomach rolled over.
“Jamie?’’ I said in a whisper as soon as my phone was to my ear.
His loud breathing and his wife’s complaint in the background gave my heart a start.
“Shit, why didn’t you answer earlier?’’
“What’s going on?’’ I blurted louder, catching Kam and Arthur’s attention and a surreptitious look from Jade and Sophie from the front desk.
“You need to get to the hospital. Aimee’s water broke. Shit!’’
“What?’’ I heard Aimee’s feeble voice ask.
“I forgot your suitcase! I forgot the fucking suitcase!’’ Jamie said and cursed at length loudly, his voice going an octave higher, something that never happened.
“Alright, you need to calm down,’’ I said and paced the main room of the tattoo parlor, weaving between the stations.
“Yeah, I know. Wait,’’ he replied with a choked voice as I heard the car’s motor get louder as he gained speed. “Julia said she got the suitcase. How did I miss it? I’m losing it, Mar. You have to come to the hospital. Now.’’
“Of course. Just… Listen, Julia needs you to stay calm. She’s the one with a watermelon-sized human she’s about to push out of her body. You’re only the one who will get a bruised hand while you try and support her through all of this. Breathe and be there for her. Got it?’’
“Got it. But hurry, Mar.’’ He hung up, but not before I heard him take a deep breath, the same way our dad had told him to when he was a wild teenager quickly riled up.
I put my phone in my jeans pocket and smiled at Kam. “That was my brother. I’m going to be an aunt.’’
“Oh shit!’’ Arthur exclaimed and then laughed cheerfully, apparently still on his baby high from his first-born last week. “Is he a mess of nerves. I was going insane when Carly went into labor. She had to be the one holding my hand.’’
I nodded and gave a quiet laugh as I walked back to Kam and Arthur. “He’s out of his mind and begged me to join them at the hospital. They’re on their way right now. I hate to do this, Kam, but—''
“Don't say more. You go. Family is the most important thing. Once you’ve welcomed that baby, you get your ass back here. Keep me posted and bid Jamie and Aimee my congratulations.’’
<
br /> “Thank you,’’ I blurted and gave my mentor a spontaneous hug before waving to Arthur and quickly recounting the new development to Sophie who squealed loudly and jumped on the spot behind the front desk just as her three o’clock client arrived for a daith piercing.
“Call me!’’ she yelled after me as I dashed out with my purse in one hand and my car keys in the other.
I was about to be an aunt. A tiny human being was about to make his first appearance in the world, take his first breath and burrow his way into many people’s life before he could open his eyes. But even though this day was for celebration, there was this nagging emotion pulling me down. It stopped me from bouncing to my car. It tainted my smile and dulled the sparkles in my eyes.
My heart was in pieces, and I could try and patch it up with tape, but the damages were done.
MARISSA
I spotted the waiting room in the maternity wing and immediately placed my brother. He was pacing and raking his hands through his thick hair, getting his wavy strands in all directions. At looking at him, you wouldn’t believe it was the best day of his life.
“Jamie!’’ I called out as I neared him. A nurse speeding by glared at me for the disruption of the otherwise quiet wing excepted for the rush of the hospital members, a couple of women grimacing and taking a walk with an IV stuck in their arm and the men that kept asking them questions.
His head snapped in my direction, and his eyes went upward in silent prayer. “You’re here.’’ He ran to me and grabbed me into a tight hug that made it impossible to breathe. I groaned and patted his back. He released me and kept his hands on my shoulders. “Mom and Dad won’t make it for another hour.’’
“You don’t need the parents, and you certainly don’t need me, Jamie. Relax.’’
“Easy for you. Shit, I’m about to be a dad.’’
“It’s a bit late to get cold feet, don’t you think?’’ I teased him with a light punch on his pec. “Dad gave you the perfect example of how to be a great father. I know you’ll be amazing. I have no doubt.’’
He closed his eyes and nodded slowly. “You have no idea how I needed to hear those words.’’
I went into his waiting arms and hugged him once again. “I’m proud of you, you know.’’
“I love you too, sis. You okay?’’
I tensed against him. The first thought was to lie to him, but I had never lied to my brother. He had always been my best friend, the person I easily turned to when I needed comfort or to rant. I wouldn’t start now.
“I will be.’’
“It’s him, isn’t it?’’ He asked, and the anger in his voice and the way he hugged me tighter talked of brotherly protection. It warmed me in places that had been growing icicles since that awful Sunday.
“I was stupid. I need time to sort out what’s in my head. Don’t worry about me. Focus on your wife and the little boy you get to meet soon.’’
“You know at any other time I’d push you until you told me everything.’’
“I know. Your boy is truly a blessing,’’ I said with a forced laugh as I pulled away from Jamie’s embrace and pushed him away just as a nurse called out to him. Aimee was asking for him.
“Go. I’ll wait here for Mom and Dad.’’
With a last nervous look my way and worries for me gone, he walked down the hall and toward his wife.
The miracle of life.
A family was about to turn from two to three. New love would burst, new possibilities and hopes. New worries would be born with my nephew too. In the meantime, I wallowed in self-pity, shamefully and quietly self-centered in my pain when it took no comparison to the wonderful changes happening in my brother’s life.
I mourned a love story that barely touched the love part, that lasted such a short amount of time people would laugh if I shared my pain from breaking up with Wyatt. I was in pain from losing a man that had never been mine to begin with, who played with my heart until he shattered it for a reason I didn’t know and honestly didn’t care.
He hurt me once, and I came back to him.
He hurt me a second time, and he taught me a lesson.
I hoped my heart would soon catch up because my fingers tingled from the need to send him a text to let him know about the new Thornton family member about to make his appearance.
***
WYATT
I wrote down another ad from Craigslist and sighed. Fuck, what could you do without a college degree, and three-years job experience at a gym and a few stints as a waiter in family restaurants around Atlanta?
I rubbed at my eyes and shut the lid of my laptop. If things kept going like this, I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in this apartment, even if it was mine thanks to my grandfather. My hours at the gym weren’t enough to pay all the bills, and I kept on snatching more and more money from my meager savings.
Nothing went right anymore, and it only put another strain on my fucked up life. I had lost count of the number of times I declined my parents’ calls after the fiftieth. Ralph's laconic texts went unanswered too. I hadn’t been going out since I drove Marissa out of my life and I spent my time at home, mostly doing pushups and situps to get some of the ever-present tension out of my system and to keep my mind from wandering to Marissa or my biological father that haunted me.
Staying outside? It was out of the question. I felt eyes on me at all times now, pushing me into a paranoia so strong I had to fight off panic attacks.
Once again, I pictured Marissa around my place. Behind my closed eyes, I saw her sweet smile that made her eyes dazzle like amethysts. She would be curled up on the couch, and I wouldn’t resist joining her. I didn’t just crave her for her body, but I did miss those naked moments with her with a passion. I’d damn myself for the soft moments when she polished my edges and lulled me into the pretense of safety and happiness. I craved her finger massaging my scalp when I would put my head on her lap while watching TV. I craved the way she felt when I hugged her. I craved the way she would look at me like I deserved those looks, like I wasn’t the screwed up guy who had a truckload of baggage he didn’t know how to discard.
Mostly, I wished for that moment before the Sunday morning that ranked in my worst moments in my life.
All my days were dark, no light in sight, not even a brief moment with sun rays. I didn’t let any of those. They’d lull me into a fake calm I couldn’t have. It was only a question of time when I’d be knocked sideways.
He was around. I knew it, felt it.
So, I hadn’t seen my family in weeks. Ava had left a sad voicemail the other day, and I still didn’t budge. They needed out of my life for now.
My eyes fell on the short list of job offers. Most of them were already scratched out on the paper. The lines angry and so deep they almost tore apart the paper in my haste to strike them out.
I was fuck out of luck.
Then, someone knocked on my door. I started in front of my laptop. My eyes snapped to the closed door, ears straining to hear any sound. Greeting my teeth, I waited and stopped breathing. My heart sped up with possibilities, with vain hopes that had nothing to do with my life and my present. Because the truth was, I hoped it was Marissa at the door, that it was her that knocked again with more insistence, the sound louder than before. But I knew it couldn’t be her.
She said she wouldn’t be coming back again and I let her go anyway.
My heart didn’t stop beating wildly in my chest. The fucker was on a mind of its own, messing with my head more than I was already.
But where it beat and pumped blood so hard through my whole body, it didn’t warm me. No, the ice seemed to envelop me fast, awakening a sentiment of dread.
I had no idea how I knew, but I knew then.
My hope flew out of the open window in the living room. My excitement, vanquished, was just a memory. I was left with dread and that same fear that I loathed and knew like the back of my hand.
He was there.
My stomach rolled as I stoo
d up. I had lost any sensation in my legs, but I walked to the front door and stopped right there, bringing my ear closer to the wood panel.
Breathing, low and even. That’s all I heard, but it raised the hair on the back of my neck.
If I closed my eyes, I’d smell the stale tobacco mixed with cheap liquor in his breath. I’d remember the sweat permeating his skin along with some whore’s perfume.
Body coiled tight, I pushed away the little boy inside me screaming, and I twisted the locks open and pulled the door.
The first thing that staggered me was that I was taller and more muscular than him. Funny how, when you haven’t seen someone in so long you couldn’t picture them as in any other manner than what you used to see them as a kid.
He didn’t tower over me, if anything, I was the one towering over him. It was over the time when I had to look up to stare at his face. He was the one looking up while I looked him down my nose.
But then memories collided with the present in my mind and the distance I felt from the man who made my life a living hell was gone. It only took one raised bushy eyebrow from my biological father to reduce me to a quivering mess only held up on my feet by my grip on the door.
He used to raise his eyebrow just before he would slap me, punch me or pawn me off to one of his “friends’’ to fuck me up too. Bile rose in my throat.
“No hello?’’ He rasped, and his voice sounded viler than even in my darkest memory. He snapped like he had smoked two packs of cigarettes before he knocked at my door and smelled of whiskey as if it emanated from his flesh, flesh that appeared too white to be natural. His eyes, dull but calculating, went from my face to above my shoulder to get a glimpse of my apartment. “Hell, thought your new family would have taught you something. Guess when you’re trash you can’t do any better.’’
Messy Love Page 24