Filthy Love (Renegade Souls MC Romance Saga Book 4)

by V. Theia

  The wary clutching inside Gia’s stomach became worse. Who was this woman looking for Hawk? Was it the same person he’d been ignoring?

  Nothing felt right about this.

  Zara looked on when Gia narrowed her eyes.

  “Who can I say is calling him?”

  “He knows who I am, honey.”

  What the fuck?

  Jealousy slippery and nasty coated her tongue.

  Not for a second did she think he was cheating with someone else. Not the way he tortured her body every day, and the attentive ways he looked after her, watched her, stalked her everywhere she went with his eyes. Hawk was into her even if he hadn’t given her the three words, he’d told her in every other way just how obsessed he was with her.

  But yeah, jealousy for this woman being associated to Hawk and Gia not having the first clue who the hell she was stung a little.

  She knew nothing of his past. If he’d been married even…

  “I’m his girlfriend. If I can have your name—”

  “His girlfriend?” It was the way the woman said it. Part curious, part disbelief.

  It was easy to ignore gut instincts with situations.

  Most often people tended to bury their problems.

  Gia saw it daily with her clients and the mess of their relationships. Communication was key, is what she always told them first. If your gut was telling you something was wrong, then nine times out of ten it was correct. She felt it right then, as Zara fed Harper, and bikes roared outside, the sound of the garage in full use, her insides twisted.

  This woman was someone.

  She didn’t know who yet. But she was someone Hawk was connected to.

  Right as she was going to ask again who the hell she was, the voice said. “Tell him Lisette needs to talk to him, he’s got my money. Tell him … tell him I gotta see him soon, he knows why.” She hung up without further notice.

  “So, that was weird. Who was it?”

  “No idea.” Gia answered Zara.

  But she had every intention of finding out.

  Knowing this, and who she was for not brushing situations under a carpet, it didn’t stop the unchecked course of panic sweeping through her mind for the rest of the day.

  The first chance to see Hawk came around dinner time. She was brain tired after dealing with a complex case of a marriage surviving a vicious rape attack and how they could bridge the gap between them. She’d spent a two-hour counselling session with the couple in her office then another hour on the phone with Leo just discussing avenues of treatment.

  She didn’t always have to ask for help, but in some cases, Gia liked to get a second opinion to know she was doing the right thing.

  As she was finishing her call she heard his bike pulling in, then the door opening and the cute bark of Khaleesi Stormborn running to her new hero. Her pup had taken a real shine to Hawk, much to his dismay who tried to shoo the puppy away, only to have her excitedly come back at him tenfold until he sighed and sank to the floor, so the puppy could crawl all over him eventually finding a place on top of Hawk to fall asleep. It was hellishly cute so even as she knew she wanted to talk to him, her mouth twitched with a smile listening to him talk to ‘killer.’

  “Hey, little bit,” he said, eyes as usually skimming her from top to toe. “I brought dinner from that Korean place you like.” He dumped a full paper sack on the kitchen table, grabbed plates, utensils and water for her.

  He was so fucking capable, she stood back and watched as he shrugged out of his jacket and leather cut, leaving him in a chest forming t-shirt on full display for her to gaze at. She loved the sheer width of his defined back. The same back she cuddled up to as he dished out spicy beef short ribs, rice cakes with steamed rice and kimchi.

  “I missed you today,” she said kissing the middle of his spine, hands held to his belly, she felt every inhale and exhale.

  “You can show me how much later. Come and eat. I need a shower after this. Fucking Preacher thought it would be funny to donut in the compound and he sprayed oil all over.” He did look a little dirty on his cheeks and forehead when he turned around.

  He didn’t offer her a kiss as he’d been doing.

  “Other than that, was your day good?”

  “Same as always.”

  Which told her nothing.

  Dinner, dishes and a shower later, Gia was finishing with a video chat on her phone with Grace Kelly when Hawk came in from the yard after taking out the puppy.

  She heard her friend gasp as Hawk walked behind her.

  “Oh, my god.” Gracie mouthed, eyes shock-wide seeing a shirtless Hawk in only low slung unbuttoned jeans. “He’s so fucking big,” she added in the same silent mime.

  Gia giggled.

  She got it. Hawk was something to look at. Hell, she hadn’t stopped staring at him for a decade. And the other day when he was putting together one of her bookcases she might have accidentally on purpose video called Grace Kelly and let her friend watch her man being all handy and gorgeous with his tools.

  Nothing turned Gia on more than watching Hawk being skilled.

  “Finished gossiping?” He folded down onto the sofa with her, it was a tight fit, but she never minded laying on top of him. The puppy assumed she was missing out began whining to climb on too, so Gia grabbed the gray bundle placing her at their feet. That wasn’t good enough for Hawk’s new fan, she scrambled over them and dumped her little butt on Hawk’s shoulder, tucking her puppy face into his neck.

  He sighed. “Your fucking dog is obsessed with me.”

  “I know the feeling.” She nuzzled him too, not missing out on the cuddling. His hand fixed to her butt. “Your girls love you, Colton. And don’t think I didn’t seeing you giving her belly rubs last night. She was in heaven.”

  He grunted his sexy grunt.

  “Hey,” she led in with, “someone called the club office today for you when I was having lunch with Zara.”

  “Hmm?” Already on his way to sleep.

  “Yeah, it was a woman. She said she knew you and you haven’t been answering her calls.”

  Just like that. From sleepy to alert and his every muscle she swore turned to a solid mass beneath her. “Who is Lisette?”

  Hawk had done many things over the years to display that maybe he wasn’t the best choice for boyfriend material. All those signs she ignored because of the way she felt about him. Hawk himself continued to tell her he was all wrong for her. The growl that came out of his mouth sent cold chills down her spine, the fine hairs on her arms and back of her neck stood on end.

  Because he wasn’t only irritated.

  He was pissed.

  For such a big man he was off the sofa in seconds, yanking on his discarded shirt, dishevelling his hair in the process.

  “Hawk? Who is it?”

  “It’s no one. Drop it, Gia.”

  “Drop what? Some woman I’ve never heard of says you have her money and to call her and I can’t ask who it is? Is something going on?”

  Blue eyes slit. “With what?”

  With patient she breathed. Give him the chance, she told herself. “With you. You’ve been closed off the last week. Is something on your mind?”

  Crickets.

  Tumbleweed.

  “Hawk ...baby, I want in.”

  “I got nothing on my mind, little bit, except fucking you. C’mere, let’s go to bed.”

  Even though her body ramped up its temperature, she kept her feet where they were. Not only was she a trained psychologist, she was also a woman who could smell bullshit and knew every distraction tool in the book.

  He was using sex.

  Now she really was worried.

  “Who is the woman, Hawk?”

  He gusted a sigh, hands on his hips, before he strode over to her, grabbed her hips and pulled her into his body, his head dropped so she was able to see the paleness of his eyes under his lashes. Something swirled in them … deep and unsure, before they shuttered close. “It’s no
one, Gia. Some fucking headcase, I’ll deal with it.”

  “So, you do know them.”

  “Yeah.” He sounded about as pleased about that as learning he had seconds to live. Running her hand over his beard, she angled closer.

  But something was on her man’s mind, no matter what he said. She wasn’t fucking born yesterday.

  Did she push in hopes of making him talk or would it only result in driving him away?

  “You never give us a real chance, Hawk, when you close me out. I’m not saying something is wrong, but that’s the impression I’ve had these past few days. I just want to know all of you. If something is up I want to help you. That’s what couples do. I love you, I want to help.”

  And when he didn’t exactly push her away, but stepped out of their hold, her chills of doubt became colder. His literal and figurative distance was very telling.

  “You need to let this go, Gia. You know who I am. What I am. I told you this already, didn’t I?”

  “Just tell me this then and I’ll drop it, I promise.”

  Blues met and held. Oh, her sweet man. She wished he wasn’t so in his own head sometimes. But she had to allow him to be who he was. Her pushing him to fit in her space just because she was more outspoken and confrontational didn’t mean he was wrong, it just meant they had to learn to coexist on a shared wavelength.

  Frustrating? Sure. But she’d do anything to have him in her life.

  “A woman recognizes another woman’s scars left behind on her man. Someone’s been calling you and you get agitated … angry afterward. You close off again and I have to fight that much harder to be let in. Is this woman someone important who’s trying to be back in your life?”

  That great rattling sound started in his chest, his head lowered, chin to chest, and she watched veins appear along his forearms as he clenched his fists tightly. “She’s fucking no one to me.”

  “Okay,” she replied letting go of a breath. “I love you, even when I can see you want to walk out of here. I’m glad you haven’t, baby.”

  Hawk sighed long and low, then lifted his head, and he swept her into his arms, her feet dangling just hanging there, he buried his head in her hair.

  “I’m fucking useless with words. You’re a head shrink, you should be with someone on equal footing as you, little bit.”

  Banding her arms around him her heart ached. Because she knew whole heartedly he believed that and her fear being one day he’d carry through and leave her to find someone he thought would match her better.

  ******

  He could feel her shaking and it made his gut hurl around bile. His gorgeous, courageous, sensitive woman was worried for him. Striding to the high back chair in Gia’s living room he held her on his lap.

  This fucking shit just wouldn’t stop dogging on his heels. Now the bitch was calling his club? For a straight up killer, he was displaying some cowardly fucking antics when he knew the solution. She wanted more money. Money to keep her mouth shut. But as he’d told Rider, this woman curled on his lap, so fucking sweet and patient even though he didn’t deserve it, was his priority.

  He couldn’t accept her shaking or worrying.

  Not because of him.

  He fingered through her hair. The beauty of Gia constantly stole his air. With a voice like chipped glass he spoke low against her neck.

  The pulse there hammering on his lips. “I’m not used to giving a fuck for anyone, Gia. Or spilling my guts about my feelings. I wanna do both with you.”

  “Just be open with me, baby. I want to match your jagged edges. You don’t have to hide who you are, what you feel and think. I’m here for it all.”

  Open. Honest. Truthful.

  Pour his guts onto the floor, let it destroy like roiling lava and hope she could stomach what he regurgitated. He’d kept everything inside for so long he didn’t even know if he could force all his nightmare out. “I’ve been trying to outrun my past, but it keeps getting its talons in me, dragging me back to places I don’t wanna go. It won’t let me move forward. It keeps me prisoner, chained to the stains. As much as I fight, I keep losing.” He heard her inhale and when she drew back her eyes were brimming with unshed tears.

  Fuck. Fuck. He hated when she cried.

  “I’ll sort it, okay? It’s nothing for you to get strung out about.”

  “Hawk. What is it? Please tell me. We can deal with it together. You’re not alone. I swear it. Whatever it is. Have you hurt someone? Worse? What does it have to with that woman?” He watched her catch her breath, it stuttered. Her lids drifted lower than normal to mask the tears he saw, and her lips gave the sexiest little tremble he wanted to bite because he was a fucking deviant even when she was visibly upset he wanted her.

  Always fucking wanting her.

  For years he had to be cruel to keep her from being hurt by him and it was all fucking futile since he was here unable to give her up and on the cusp of hurting her.

  His strong girl flinched, lifted her chin with all the tears brimming in her beautiful blues and asked him. “Were you ... are you married, and she wants you back? We can deal with it.” As much as her touch soothed, right then it made the inside of his skin burn, he shoved her away rougher than intended and saw how the action hurt her. But he had no fucking control of himself, he couldn’t think through the rage and the fury that this fucking thing was still plaguing him and wouldn’t allow him to be happy.

  Secrets, lies, disgust, betrayal.

  Gia could demand it all and he’d lose her.

  The idea that now he had her she could easily walk away from him once she knew tied knots in his stomach.

  To fight his past with blood and fury.

  He had a feeling that wasn’t gonna work here. Not for something real with Gia. She merited so much more, hadn’t he been saying it this whole fucking time? Only now he wasn’t prepared to let her go. Wasn’t strong enough to watch her leave him.

  He was a shell of a man before, he’d be a dead fucking man walking without her.

  “Without you even telling me anything I can see the past is shackled firmly to your ankles like dead weight, Colton.” How she used her softly spoken … careful voice on him. He hated she felt the need to be careful with him, that she assumed showing her anger he would walk out and leave her. “I think I finally understand why you pushed me away for so long, because your hands were full already. You’ve carried it around with you everywhere as a reminder, using it as a crutch, an excuse. What happens one day when we have kids? We need to learn to trust one another, baby. You can trust me with anything.”

  All he heard was kids.

  Kids.

  Babies.

  Him a father? That was a joke.

  His fucking brain felt too tight inside his skull as he yanked fingers through his hair and snarled. An automatic response to the creeping under his skin.

  “I’m never fucking having kids, Gia. Fuck no. Hell no. Not fucking ever. Kids with me? Are you fucking insane?”

  CHAPTER FORTY

  “Invite the love of his fucking life to look at his demons … what a shitty idea.” - Hawk

  Triggers, tiny fucking pneumatic missiles started popping inside Hawk’s head until the white noise felt like shards of glass tearing up his ear canal.

  Reminders of just how not normal he was kicked him in the nuts. Like he needed that mirror held up against his face. A decent fucking guy who didn’t lash out like a moron. He didn’t process as others did and wasn’t that half the problem of why he thought he was a piece of shit.

  His sweet Gia didn’t deserve his burst of frustrated anger.

  Something down deep crumbled.

  Hawk immediately moved his damn feet, regret staining his eyesight and he got back in his woman’s path, no hesitation this time he put his hands on her.

  As her eyes shut and her calm sigh glided across his throat, she hadn’t faltered in touching him, in accepting his. Gia curled into his ribs, fisting the back of his shirt in two hands, not lett
ing go.

  And he didn’t want her to.

  His knees would give out before he let her go again.

  Going under the hem of her shirt he spread his fingers on her waist, around to her spine. Holding her tightly.

  “I didn’t mean to yell. I’m fucking sorry, little bit. Forgive me.” He kissed her all over her cheeks and eyes. “I’m a goddamn asshole, you know this.”

  She’d hurt for him if he told her.

  Gia was that kind of woman.

  That kind that bled for someone else.

  And Hawk would rather cut off his own balls than do anything to hurt his little bit of a thing.

  “My asshole,” she murmured making him smile.

  But this was what she wanted from him, wasn’t it? To cut out his cancer and present her with it. To let her see every undisclosed, diseased scab oozing with his past, for what? So, she could be disgusted alongside him?

  He’d lose her. What if she didn’t believe him?

  Shit. This was fucked up, he thought. So wrong.

  She made him feel. Period.

  Things swirled in his head that he’d never felt before.

  Foreign, unfamiliar, uncomfortable things.

  Things that he wanted to do to please his woman.

  But this was different. Something new. And it was making him want to vomit every goddamn word into her ears.

  Just confess until he was hoarse and empty.

  He was evil.

  He was wicked.

  The devil lived in him.

  He knew those were slurs of people not fit to eat dog shit. People who hid behind bibles and the word of God to duct tape over the fact they were fucking sick, as if throwing out psalm passages would expunge their depraved sins.

  Fuck them all.

  The shit he’d done he owned it and didn’t fucking care.

  The ugly truth, Gia was too good for him, everyone at this point could agree to that and he’d used any reason to hold onto her tight, to keep her for however long she allowed him in her life. If that made him a fucking weak bastard, then he accepted it.

  For the right person a man could lower his guard and show a side of him no one else would ever see.