Love/Fate

by Tracy Brown

  Jada sat in her bed and summoned up the nerve to call Sunny’s mother. She hadn’t heard from Sunny in more than a year, and she wasn’t even sure if she would want to hear from Jada. She dialed 411, and asked for the number for Marisol Cruz in Brooklyn, New York, and was relieved that her number wasn’t unlisted. As the telephone rang, Jada prayed that Marisol would accept the collect call. She wasn’t disappointed, and hearing Marisol’s thick accent was like music to her ears.

  “Thank you for accepting the charges,” Jada began.

  “Don’t worry about it, mami. Are you okay? Where are you?”

  “I got bagged—”

  “For what?” Sunny’s mother sounded shocked.

  “I was getting high, and I got caught. But the thing is, I was pregnant.” Jada’s voice was barely audible. She was embarrassed by her own selfish actions.

  Marisol listened, and contained the shock she felt. She held her hand silently over her mouth, as she listened to Jada tell her about how she had gotten kicked out of Born’s life, gotten pregnant by someone else, gotten high, and gotten arrested. Now Jada needed Marisol’s help to get in touch with Sunny, to help her keep her son out of the system. Marisol’s heart broke as she listened to the desperation in Jada’s voice. She took down Jada’s address and prison I.D. number, so that she could try to help.

  “Jada, Sunny’s been with my sister in Puerto Rico since a month after Mercedes was born.”

  Jada cried silent tears, as she finally learned the sex of her friend’s baby. Sunny had had a baby girl! She could only imagine how beautiful the baby must be.

  Marisol continued. “She got a lot of investments and stuff that she cashed in after Dorian died, you know what I’m saying? Insurance and stuff like that.” Marisol knew that Jada would read between the lines, and she did. She knew that Sunny had inherited Dorian’s drug game fortune, and was laying low for the time being. “I will call her and tell her what happened. But for now, mami, you gotta pray for your baby, and ask God to spare his life. He’s strong like you’re strong, Jada. Don’t break down now.” Marisol’s heavy Spanish accent was a comfort to Jada. She knew that Sunny’s mom would do her best to help her, and that was a relief to her after so much bad news.

  “Thank you, Marisol. You don’t know how much this means to me. Sunny is my last hope. I don’t have nowhere else to turn.” Jada’s voice got caught in her throat as the tears came.

  Marisol knew that Jada’s spirit was dampened. “Listen, Jada. Let me tell you something. Don’t go feeling sorry for yourself, and getting all weighed down by negativity. That’s not what you need right now. You are not the first young lady to have a problem like this. Sunny had your same problem once. Right before Dorian died, she was fucked up off that shit. He helped her through it, and she had the baby drug free. But after the baby, she fell back again. Sunny was right back on that shit again. But she went in and got help. Went to a program, you know? You gotta give it a chance. Because Sunny turned it all around, and you gotta see her now, baby girl. She’s a whole different person. She still a pain in the ass …”

  Jada laughed, missing Sunny’s one-of-a-kind personality.

  “But at least she’s clean now. You stay strong,” Marisol said. “You’re gonna find your way. I will tell Sunny to get in touch with you. You wait to hear from her.”

  The line went dead, and Jada cried, feeling helpless. She spent the remainder of that night in prayer, asking for forgiveness, and for mercy.

  The next day, Jada went back to jail, and she cried all the way back. Her last time touching Sheldon’s soft hand through the holes in the incubator, she sang to him. Jada sang “Amazing Grace,” and she hoped her son could hear her, even though she sounded bad because she was in tears. Sheldon had to stay in the hospital, because of all of his medical problems. He had stopped breathing twice, and they had managed to bring him back. And now Jada had to leave him there, and hope that he survived. And if he survived, she prayed that someone came in time to claim him before the courts sent him away.

  Jada stayed in her bunk crying for days afterward. Jada was severely depressed. They put her on suicide watch, and everything. She found out that a custody hearing had been scheduled, and she felt a glimmer of hope. But still she wanted more. Every day without her baby was a day in hell for her.

  35

  SINCE I LOST MY BABY

  September 1999

  The visiting room was filled with kids, and Jada’s eyes lit up at the sight of so many little ones. Her heart ached for her own child, as she looked around for Sunny’s face. She found her friend sitting on one of the orange plastic chairs in the back of the visiting room.

  Sunny looked more beautiful than ever. Her brown hair was long and silky, and pressed bone straight, complementing her lovely island-tanned face. When she’d last seen Sunny, her friend had sported a fierce, short haircut that had made her look edgy and sexy. Now her hair was long and beautiful, and she looked absolutely stunning. Jada wished she could have her hair done, since she now wore it in a half-nappy snatch-back ponytail. She was no longer concerned about something as trivial as looks. She hugged Sunny, and realized after so long how much she had truly missed her friend. Sunny began to cry, seeing Jada looking skinny and broken. This wasn’t the friend with whom she’d danced the night away all over the city. She remembered the days when they’d gone on thousand-dollar shopping sprees and to parties with the rich and powerful. And now, Sunny had overcome her battles and was watching Jada losing her own. She hugged Jada for a long time, and when she finally pulled away she wiped her tears and looked at her friend.

  “Girl, please don’t hate me for leaving,” Sunny began when they sat down at last. “I’m so sorry. I had to get out of New York after Dorian died. Niggas knew that I was the only one who knew where he kept all his money. Even his brothers and them, they wanted to get their hands on his money. I had to get away, because I was scared. And I was fucked up on that blow, too, Jada. I know my mother told you. When I buried Dorian, I buried a part of me, too. I was a mess. I was depressed, and I wanted to die. I got over that shit, but it wasn’t easy. I’m here to help you do it, too. And you’re gonna do it. And we’re gonna get your baby back.”

  Jada smiled. “Thank you, Sunny. I need you to get in touch with my lawyer—”

  “I already did. I fired him.” Sunny crossed her legs, as Jada looked at her with surprise etched on her face. “I hired Nelson Doyle. He’s a friend of my family, and he’s helping me to try and get visitation with Sheldon.”

  “Visitation? They put him with a foster family already?” Jada was confused, because the custody hearing wasn’t scheduled for two more weeks. When she’d last spoken to her Legal Aid attorney, he had told her that her son was still in the hospital.

  Sunny hoped Jada wasn’t going to overreact to what she was about to tell her. “Jada, Jamari stepped up and claimed the baby.”

  “What?” Jada was stunned. “What? How could he do that, Sunny? He can’t do that, can he?”

  Sunny held Jada’s hand. “He went and had a paternity test done; he got a lawyer, and everything. Nelson’s handling it, but Jamari’s lawyer ain’t making it easy. He proved paternity, and they checked him out, and all that. They went all into his background. I heard that the nigga stopped hustling, and everything. He’s working at Home Depot, or some shit like that, and cooperating with the social workers. He had Sheldon moved to Staten Island Hospital, and he’s got sole custody.”

  Jada burst into tears. She felt so much hatred surging through her body toward Jamari at that moment. He was rubbing salt in her wounds, and she fell apart. “He don’t want me to see my own son?” she asked.

  Sunny shook her head. “He’s saying some terrible things about you, Jada, He got the doctors on his side, because Sheldon’s had a hard time. He stopped breathing four different times, and he’s been in the hospital for over a month. They had a closed-door hearing that Nelson said they didn’t have to allow you to be present for. He said that sin
ce you couldn’t challenge for custody as an inmate, you didn’t need to be there. Jamari has a whole plan for how he’s going to shut you out of Sheldon’s life, but we’re challenging him every step of the way. We’ll be there in court, and we got your mother to come, too. Your mother wants to help you, and she swore she’d do whatever she could. Nelson’s gonna put her on the stand and argue that, as the baby’s grandmother, she should be allowed to visit with the baby. It might work. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up. Jamari’s being a real asshole about all this.” Sunny looked at Jada, unsure. “Jada, how could you get high when you could feel your child moving around inside of you?” Sunny needed to understand what had sent Jada to such a terrible low. When she’d been pregnant with Mercedes, nothing could have made Sunny use cocaine. Nothing could have made her hurt her unborn child.

  Jada nodded, and looked away. “I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I found out so much about Jamari that made me hate him. And I realized that he only looked out for me in order to make me depend on him. It was all part of some crazy plan. I didn’t want to have his baby. I was hoping I would lose it, and then I could be free of him.” Jada sighed. “But Sheldon hung on, and I am so sorry that I ever hurt him.”

  “You should be. ‘Cuz he is the most beautiful little boy I’ve ever seen. He looks just like you. You better thank God every day that Sheldon refused to die. He’s a tough little boy.”

  Jada was grateful to Sunny. Even though her words were blunt and matter-of-fact, they were pure truth. She was glad that Sunny knew what to expect when she faced Jamari in court. Jada told Sunny how grateful she was for all of her help. She didn’t know what she’d do without her.

  Sunny tilted her head to the side, and looked at her worn-down friend. “How the hell did you get involved with this sucka-ass nigga in the first place? What happened with Born?”

  Jada shook her head, and told her how it had all gone wrong. She told Sunny everything she’d been through, from the moment she had lost touch with her friend. She told her how she’d stolen from Born to get high, and how he’d caught her and kicked her out. Jada told Sunny about all the crack she had used, how Jamari had given it to her and hadn’t judged her. She told her about the bricks she’d stolen, and the money she’d made, and where she’d stashed it. By the time the visit was over, Jada felt only a glimmer of hope that Sunny might be able to help her to hold on to the child she really hadn’t wanted at all. Now she wanted him with all her might.

  Two weeks went by before Jada’s hearing. When she got to court, she saw Sunny and Edna, and was thrilled to have their positive energy on her side. Her lawyer put her on the stand, and Jada cried her way through her testimony, and promised to get clean. Edna got up there and cried, too. But Jada felt that she was crying for all the wrong reasons.

  Edna cried, and told the court about how hard it was to see her child as a crackhead. She told them that she wished she could raise Jada all over again, and make up for all the wrong she’d done. Edna felt that she was being given a second chance with the birth of her grandchild. Jada could tell that Edna’s testimony didn’t really make her look like the best person in the world. She was scared to death. But her lawyer said that the judge might take pity on her. He might see Edna’s desire to fix her past mistakes as a reason to grant Edna visitation rights. That was what they wanted. Jamari’s lawyer argued that Sheldon should remain with his father because it was a stable home environment, and he was the child’s biological father. Then they began their attack.

  Jamari’s attorney assassinated Jada’s character in the courtroom that day. He talked about how Sheldon only slept for ten minutes at a time, and how he threw up like a faucet. He had seizures, and had to sleep attached to a monitor. That was bad enough. But then he talked about how Jada would have had to get high repeatedly throughout her pregnancy in order to do the kind of damage that the baby had sustained. Jamari even stared at Jada from the witness stand, and told her she would never see the baby again, and that he hated her. The judge let him talk freely, and every word cut Jada like a knife.

  But he was right. She had put her child’s life in jeopardy. And Jamari wanted her to pay the ultimate price. He wanted Jada banned from their son’s life, but Sheldon was the only thing she had to live for now. Jamari, himself, had given Jada crack. He denied that on the stand, and told the judge that Jada had been a danger to their son from the very beginning, and she always would be. Jamari’s lawyer argued that Sheldon was a neglected child before he was even born, because Jada had put him in imminent danger every time she got high. He said that she had failed as a parent, that she couldn’t exercise even a minimum degree of care, since she was incarcerated. Basically, Jamari painted Jada as a danger to their child as long as she was not rehabilitated. He emphasized the fact that she was the sole cause of Sheldon’s withdrawal symptoms, and that she was unfit to see him. The judge agreed, and they stripped Jada of all her rights. Her mother had no rights either, since Jamari had his lawyer bring up how terrible Jada’s own childhood had been with her mother. His lawyer told the court about Edna’s lack of parenting, and implied that had she been a better mother Jada’s life might have turned out differently. Edna came across as weak and sorrowful, and the judge didn’t feel sorry for them. Jada hated that she had ever shared the pain of her past with the cruel bastard who had fathered her child.

  Jada was returned to prison, and she suffered every minute. She wrote Jamari a letter, asking his forgiveness and begging him to at least let her just have a picture of Sheldon, or something. He never even wrote her back. Edna wrote to Jada, though. She wrote to her to ask if she could come and visit her. She sent her Ava’s address and phone number. Edna was extending an olive branch to her child. She offered to let Jada call her collect any time she wanted. But Jada just shut down. She didn’t write back or call, because she felt like her whole life had been taken away from her. In all, Edna wrote Jada three letters during her incarceration. But Jada answered none of them. She wanted to be left alone. Instead of answering her family’s letters, Jada wrote in her journal. She wrote down every emotion, every hurt and pain. In her diary there were dozens of lines of sadness and longing. She filled up several notebooks this way, writing night after night about her pain and anguish. Writing about her guilt. Jada wanted to disappear. She felt like giving up.

  But then Sunny saved the day.

  February 2000

  Sunny sat anxiously, waiting for Jada to make her way over to her at the visiting table. She hugged her, and they sat down, and Jada could tell that her friend was eager. She had something she was itching to share with her. Without a word, Sunny passed Jada the pictures. Jada’s heart skipped a beat. Pictures of Sheldon in the park with his father were what Sunny had brought to her. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at her six-month-old son for the first time. He looked like a replica of Jada, only male and chubby. She smiled and wanted to kiss Sunny. “How did you get these?”

  Sunny smiled broadly, thrilled that she could be of help to her friend. “You know I got ways, girl. I got somebody to find out where Jamari takes him to play, takes him to day care, and shit like that. I just want to keep my eye on him, in case the nigga tries to leave town and disappear, or some dumb shit like that. I also want to see if I can catch him in some bullshit that might persuade the judge to see him in a different light. Just keep these pictures in the meantime, so you can see how adorable little Sheldon is.”

  Jada smiled, and stared at the pictures once more. Her heart overflowed.

  “Jada, you have to use him as your reason to get clean. When you get out of here, you need to go to a program for nine months. Do that for your survival. I’m telling you from experience. You gotta do this shit for real this time, Jada. No more bullshit, or you may have to say good-bye to your son for good. I don’t want to see that happen to you. I’m gonna do everything I can to help you. But you gotta help yourself.” Sunny spoke candidly to her friend. As a former drug offender herself, Sunny knew that b
lunt honesty was the only way to deal with an addict. They had to hear the truth straight, with no chaser.

  Jada made up her mind, as she looked down at the photos of her baby boy, that she would have to leave drugs alone for good if she wanted a chance to be in his life. She committed herself to staying clean in order to get her baby back. No matter how hard it was.

  As much as she hated Jamari for taking her son away so coldly, Jada had to admire him for how he had managed to care for their son. Sheldon was a beautiful baby, and he looked happy and healthy. After seeing his condition at birth, Jada knew that Sheldon’s recovery was a miracle. She could tell that Jamari loved him, and that he was taking good care of him. But she still hated him for depriving her of seeing her baby.

  Sunny kept coming to visit Jada, and kept bringing her pictures of Sheldon. Those pictures got her through the hard times. Jada sat on her bed night after night staring at the pictures of her son. Sunny went out of her way to stay on Jamari’s trail as much as possible. Since she figured he knew her face from her appearance with Jada in court, Sunny had her mother go to the park and bring Mercedes. She would go and see Jamari there, and let Mercedes play with Sheldon. Jamari didn’t recognize Sunny’s mother, but little did he know he was helping his son form a friendship with Sunny’s daughter. Sunny often laughed at the irony.

  Because of Sunny and her mother, and the pictures and stories they gave Jada about her son, Jada went into rehab wanting to get out of there and be clean. Being in jail and having her son stripped away from her had broken her. But going to rehab—for real this time—made Jada see herself so clearly that it changed her life. She was determined to prevail for once in her life, and she was never the same again.

  September 2000

  Jada stared out the window of the rehabilitation clinic. She knew that lunch was being served, but she wasn’t hungry. All she could think about was the fact that her son was growing up without her. He was sitting up without her, and having his first taste of solid food without her. She was envious of Jamari, and of his ability to witness Sheldon’s precious moments. She felt sorry for herself, and frankly she was tired of being in institutions. To hell with lunch.