Love/Fate

by Tracy Brown

  In June of the year 2000, the court deemed Jada a fit parent for Sheldon. She no longer had to submit to visits from Administration for Children’s Services, and she was officially Sheldon’s sole custodial parent. Jada knew that she had gotten a second chance, and she thanked God for it every day. Sheldon was almost two years old, and he was such a smart and beautiful child. Jada loved him beyond measure. She used the money she’d gotten from sheisting Jamari, and bought herself a house in Staten Island, so that she could be close to her mother. She put the rest of her money in the bank. Jada studied for and passed her GED and was proud of herself. Through one of the members of Edna’s church congregation, Jada got a job working as an entry-level clerk in the accounting department at a consulting firm. She was working full time, Monday through Friday, and it wasn’t long before she pursued her dream of going back to school. She majored in journalism, and focused hard on completing her education. She attended school three nights a week and on Saturdays. She was determined to turn her life around, for good this time, and to make her family proud. Edna watched Sheldon while Jada went to work, and to school. He loved his grandmother to death, and she loved him even more. They sang songs together, and played and danced together, and Edna got the chance to be silly with her grandson, and to forget temporarily about all the pain, both emotional and physical, she’d endured in her lifetime.

  Jada graduated from college in May 2005. Edna, Ava, Sheldon, Sunny, Mercedes, and Sunny’s mother, Marisol, all came to cheer her on. As she walked across the stage and accepted her degree, they all cheered loudly for her. They didn’t care how ghetto they sounded to the other people present. Only they knew the depths to which Jada had fallen, and they were proud of her meteoric rise to the top, where she belonged. Tough as she was, Sunny cried tears of joy for her friend. She was proud of Jada, and proud of herself for all that they had managed to accomplish despite their pasts.

  Over the next two years, Jada became an assistant editor at a premier black women’s magazine. She and Sheldon were closer than ever, spending their weekends taking road trips with Sunny and Mercedes, or just cuddled up on the sofa watching DVDs. They went to Edna’s house every Sunday for her delicious home-cooked meals. Those Sundays were so special, and Jada found herself anticipating them each week. And then Edna had a relapse. Her cancer had resurfaced, despite the double mastectomy, and she was hospitalized. The doctor told Jada and Ava that Edna’s prognosis was grim. Cloaked in sadness and regret, the sisters held vigil at their mother’s bedside, trying to liven Edna’s cold hospital room with laughter and memories. They would lie with Edna in her hospital bed, and reminisce on the good days, never mentioning the bad days. Despite the pain and the weakness Edna was enduring, those last days with her daughters made her smile. After being hospitalized for three weeks, Edna died, with Jada and Ava at her bedside.

  Jada was distraught. Now that she had the relationship with her mother that she had longed for all her life, she was gone. Jada cried not only for the loss of her mother, but for the years they’d lost being mad at each other, and unwilling to forgive. She found solace only in the fact that she’d forgiven her mother before she died. She was happy that Edna had gotten to know Sheldon, and that he had been given the gift of having a grandmother who loved him. Despite all the pain she felt her mother had caused her, Jada missed her terribly. With Ava working on some big legal case in D.C., the responsibility of making Edna’s funeral arrangements fell on Jada’s shoulders. She set about the task of burying her mother, and of burying the pain of her past along with her.

  After the Pain

  37

  FORGIVENESS

  January 9, 2007

  Jada held her head in her hands, as if doing so would prevent her from remembering all the pain of her past. It was all more than she could stand at that moment. The last thing she needed was to be remembering these things, feeling this pain again. Getting the flowers that Born had sent to her, reading his note … it was enough to send her back along all the corridors of her recollection to places she hadn’t visited in years. Jada was overwhelmed with so many emotions. Instinctively, she picked up the phone and called Sunny. Sunny had been her friend for so long. She knew Jada better than anybody. As dependable as ever, Sunny answered on the third ring.

  “City morgue. You kill ‘em, we chill ‘em,” Sunny answered, jokingly.

  “That’s not very funny, since I’m in the process of burying my mother, Sunny.” Jada’s voice was trembling as she shook her head at her friend’s twisted sense of humor.

  “Sorry. I didn’t even think about that. I was only joking, girl. How you holding up?” Sunny asked.

  “Not too good.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  Jada sighed, rubbing her head to try and stop the headache creeping up on her. “I got a package from Born today.”

  Sunny didn’t respond right away. Instead, she let Jada’s words linger for a few moments. “Wow. What was it?”

  “Some flowers. He sent a note with them, and it didn’t say much. But now I can’t stop thinking about him, and about us. I thought I had dealt with all this shit, but—” Jada’s voice trailed off, as she fought to compose herself.

  Sunny listened intently, and heard the pain in her best friend’s voice. “You want me to come over?” she asked.

  Jada closed her eyes, and gripped the receiver tighter. “Yeah, could you? I need to get some of this shit off my chest.”

  Sunny knew that was exactly what Jada needed. “I’m on my way.”

  Born walked into his mother’s apartment and smiled at his favorite girl. She stood in her kitchen, shredding cheese for her famous macaroni. “Wassup, old lady?” he asked playfully, kissing his mother on her round, brown face.

  Smiling back at her only child, Ingrid said calmly, “I got your ‘old lady.’” She swatted Born’s hand away as he reached for a piece of cheese. “Don’t come in here trying to eat up this cheese. Go on and look in the fridge and find something.” As Born walked to the refrigerator, and looked around inside for something to nibble on, his mother watched him sideways. She loved to see her only child whenever he walked through her door. He was like a ray of sunshine in her life, and she loved him tremendously. She thought of how proud her husband would have been if he had lived to see his baby boy. No longer a baby, Marquis Graham was a tall young man, solid and well toned. He was always dressed to impress, even if he wasn’t trying to, and his smile could be either mocking or sincere. His brown skin was reminiscent of his father’s caramel complexion, and Ingrid knew that her husband would have been proud.

  Born pulled up a chair at the kitchen table, and poured himself a bowl of Froot Loops. He ate his cereal as his mother filled him in on gossip he cared nothing about. He wasn’t thinking about the goings on in the hood at that moment. His mind was on Jada. Born knew that she mast be heartbroken about her mother’s death. When he’d been with Jada, she was never close to her mother. But Born knew that she was hurt by Edna’s absence in her life, and he had no idea whether or not they had reconciled prior to her death. When he’d seen Edna Ford’s obituary in the paper, he couldn’t resist the urge to send his condolences. Thinking about her, even after all this time, made him feel all the love he had tried to suppress for so long. Jada. Her name made his heart pause. Jada had taught Born about love, and about disappointment. She still had a place in his heart.

  When Born was in prison, during his conversations with Ace, he realized that he had blamed her for more than just her own addiction. Born had told Ace the whole story of their relationship. Ace had listened, and he asked Born if he was so mad at Jada because of her own mistakes, or because she had repeated his father’s mistakes? That made Born wonder if he should have handled things differently. Should he have gotten her into rehab and loved her out of her addiction? Or was walking away from her the right thing to do? He wasn’t sure. But he knew that he had never been able to forget her. Almost ten years had passed, and Born still thought about her all the
time. A song would come on the radio, and he’d remember dancing with her or singing to her. A movie would come on television, and he’d remember her persuading him to watch it with her. Someone would say a phrase that Jada used to say all the time. It seemed that there were reminders of their love everywhere he looked. There had been a time when it hurt to think about her. He had once believed that Jada had quit on him. But he wondered sometimes if it was the other way around.

  “I sent Jada some flowers today.” Born said it so matter-of-factly that Ingrid wondered if she’d heard him correctly. She turned and faced him, placing the cheese on the counter.

  “You sent flowers to who?”

  Born smiled slightly. “Jada, Ma. Her mother died. I saw the obituary in the newspaper. I don’t know why, but I just felt like I had to send her something to let her know that I know how she feels.”

  Ingrid looked at her son. She heard what he wasn’t saying. He made it sound like his concern for Jada was only about the death of her mother and how she must be affected by it. True, Marquis would understand what Jada must be feeling, since he himself had lost a parent. But Ingrid knew that there was more to it than that. She knew her son better than he thought. “How did you find out where she lives?” she asked, continuing the preparation of her macaroni and cheese.

  Born sat back in his chair, and cleared his throat. “I called her sister. Ava gave me her address.”

  Ingrid stopped making the macaroni again. She turned and looked at her son, and wondered if she should ask her next question. “Her sister? Why are you keeping in touch with Jada’s sister?”

  Born shrugged his shoulders. Then, realizing what his mother suspected, he shook his head. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s not even like that, Ma. I never did nothing with Ava. That’s my word. I wouldn’t do that.”

  Ingrid scrunched up her lips in disbelief. “Since when wouldn’t you do that? You forget that I know you, Marquis. I know that when you’re hurt, there’s really nothing you won’t do to get back at the person who hurt you. I remember that child who cheated on you back when you were younger. What was her name? Well, whatever her name was, you sure did start screwing her best friend when you found out what she was doing while you were away. Don’t think I forgot.”

  Born smiled, and shook his head. Damn, his mother had a good memory! Like an elephant. “Well, I didn’t do that this time,” he said. “I saw Ava when I was over in West Brighton handling some business, like a year ago. She was out there to see her mother, and I was standing in front of the store talking to my boy. She came over to me, and said ‘hi.’ I hadn’t seen her since the time she stayed at my house for spring break. She told me that the real reason she had left so fast, when she came to stay with me and Jada, was because she had found out that her sister was using cocaine again.” Born recalled his conversation with Ava that day in West Brighton. She told him about discovering her sister snorting a line in her bedroom, and explained the argument that followed. Ava had also been honest enough to tell Born that she was feeling him back then, and that that had been part of her reason for leaving. She had wanted him, and when Jada accused her of being jealous, Ava had to admit to herself that there was some truth in that. Ava had explained that she was in a committed relationship now, and happy. “But I had a crush on you something serious back in the day! I always knew that Jada was a lucky girl,” she had said.

  Born was flattered. After all, as pretty as Jada was, Ava was breathtaking. But Born’s attraction to Ava had been purely physical. What he had felt for Jada went beyond all of that, and he was kind of glad that Ava had left when she did. If she hadn’t, there was no telling what mistakes his libido would have caused him to make. As he stood and talked to Ava that day, Born had listened to her explain how Jada had gotten her life together. She told him that Jada had graduated college, and was doing big things. Born was happy to hear that Jada had pulled herself together.

  As Ava spoke to Born that day, and saw that he still looked good, and that not much had changed, she couldn’t help feeling like her sister had fucked up a good thing. She remembered the way he’d looked at her that day, when he’d found her naked in the bathroom, and she wondered if he replayed that day in his mind as often as she did. Born was sexy, and even though Ava was involved with someone she loved, she couldn’t deny the fact that the mere sight of her sister’s ex made her panties wet. But then guilt set in. This Jada’s man—well, at least he used to be. To get with Born would cross a line that Ava would never be able to come back from. She and Jada were still not as close as they had once been. But Ava wasn’t grimy enough to play her sister and fuck her former man. She had cleared her throat and put her hormones in check. And then she gave Born Jada’s phone number, so that he could call her if the mood struck him. She also gave him her business card, and smiled when his eyes widened upon discovering that Ava had become an attorney. He was impressed.

  But Ava had unselfishly steered the conversation back to the subject of Jada. “I know she still loves you, Born,” Ava had said. “Don’t tell her that you got this from me, but you should call her someday. I’m sure she’d be happy to hear from you.” And as hard as it was for her to do, Ava walked away from Born, and hoped that he would call her sister.

  Ingrid nodded. “So you think Jada will be happy to hear from you?” she asked. “Y’all haven’t spoken to each other since …” Ingrid stopped cooking for a moment and thought about it. “How long has it been since you last saw Jada, Marquis?”

  Born finished chewing his cereal. “Almost ten years. We broke up in ninety-eight. I think she got locked up the following year, and by then so had I.” Born chuckled at the irony in that. Both he and Jada had gone to jail, and it had changed their lives for the better. Ava had told him that her sister was clean, and that she had regained custody of her son after Jamari was killed. Born still hated the thought of Jada having Jamari’s baby. Even though Jamari had been slain in a late-night drug deal gone bad (at least, that’s what the police had called it), Born still hated Jamari, and he hated the thought of Jada ever letting him get close to her.

  “Do you still love her?” Ingrid asked, without turning to face him. She didn’t need to see her son’s face in order to know if his answer was sincere or not. She could tell simply by the tone of his voice.

  Born hesitated. He thought about it. And then he leveled with himself. “Yeah.” He shoveled the last of his cereal into his mouth, and sat back in his chair. “But I’m having a hard time forgiving her. She hurt me.” Born shrugged his shoulders. “And I still can’t help it that I love her. I don’t want her to feel no more pain.”

  Ingrid smiled with her back still turned. At least Born was admitting it now. “So what if she calls you?” Ingrid asked. “You know. To say thank you for the flowers. Will you meet with her?”

  Born shrugged his shoulders, as if it didn’t matter. But deep inside he was praying that Jada would call. “Yeah. I would meet her for drinks, or whatever, you know what I’m saying?” He tried to sound nonchalant. “If she calls.”

  Ingrid nodded outwardly, and inwardly said a silent prayer that Jada would pick up the phone and call Marquis. This was her big chance!

  Sunny sat in the backseat of the red Aston Martin, her Dior shades perched perfectly on her nose. She looked across the water as they crossed the Verrazano Bridge. She loved autumn in New York City. The trees were all shades of red, brown, green, orange, and yellow blended together into a beautiful mosaic. She inhaled the cool air from the partially opened window and was so grateful to God for a chance to see such a beautiful day. Thinking back over her life, there had been many times she didn’t know if she’d make it to see and appreciate a day this blissful.

  Sunny’s driver that day was Raul, a middle-aged black man. He was a good driver; kept the radio tuned to one’s liking, and talked very little. Sunny liked that about him. She couldn’t stand drivers who wanted to discuss current events or politics, sports or whatever else. Those types were never employ
ed by her for very long. Sunny preferred a silent driver, like Raul. She had a lot on her mind.

  She thought about Jada and about how sad she had sounded on the phone. They had both had more than their share of heartache in their lives. Both had been through hell. But Sunny always felt she was made of stronger stuff than Jada. Sunny was a bad bitch, and she knew it. But Jada was not as tough, despite her efforts to make the world believe otherwise. In Sunny’s opinion, Jada was fronting. She could make believe real well, pretend that she wasn’t incomplete in some places. But Sunny knew the truth. She knew that inside of Jada dwelled pain and distrust, and plenty of untold stories.

  As they approached the toll plaza, headed for Staten Island, Raul held the EZ Pass up on the windshield. Sunny looked beside her, checking on her most precious cargo. Her nine-year-old daughter, Mercedes, sat calmly beside her in the backseat. Dressed in calf-length brown suede boots, a brown turtleneck, a denim jumper, and a matching jacket, Mercedes looked like a living ad for any children’s clothing line. She looked as sweet as pie, with her light brown complexion and soft light brown curly hair. She was adorable. Seeing that Mercedes was secure, Sunny relaxed and directed Raul to Jada’s place. The radio was tuned to KISS-FM, and Sunny couldn’t help singing along to the oldie but goodie as it played: “I’m wishing on a star, to follow where you are …”