by Jamie Summer
Or maybe it’s relief.
I was sure there was a part of Maddy that would always love the wide-open waters. It was too ingrained in her to block it out completely.
“So, yeah, that’s what I did. After not getting on the boat today, things just seemed… I don’t know. Maybe like it was coming together. It’s weird, considering I couldn’t wait to get off the island this morning. Now I’m perfectly okay with being here. I mean, everyone treats me as if I never left, like you said. Like Grace said. It’s nice.”
I wasn’t sure if she meant to say that much, but I was glad she did. It made me feel strangely close to her. As if we were bridging a small part of the gap her departure two years ago had prompted.
“Not hungry?” I asked, wanting her to actually consume some of the food on her plate.
She looked at me, smirking. “Why? Want to steal some of my pork roast?”
I laughed. It was definitely something I would’ve done two years ago, but our relationship wasn’t back to that level.
“No. I’m merely worried you’re not getting any nutrition in you.”
“Well, you’ll be happy to know my portion was double the size when I sat down.”
“So you ate half of it in the two seconds you sat down before me?”
Her arched brow made me realize what I had admitted. I was watching her. Panic shot through me. I didn’t want her to clam up when I had gotten her to open up to me.
“Okay, touché,” she told me, her tone the same as before, the frostiness I had expected absent. “Maybe I didn’t eat much yet. I was caught up in a conversation.”
“Well, whoever kept you from eating should definitely be punished. I mean, this pork roast? Seriously?” My mock tone made her laugh, the sweet sound ringing in my ears for a while before it vanished.
“Tell him that. I’ve been trying to eat for a whole five minutes, but no chance.”
I scowled. “Bastard. I’ll have a word with him so you can eat peacefully.”
“Please do.”
Silence descended, but it wasn’t a strained or uncomfortable one as I would have expected a day or two ago. No, this was the nice companionship of two people—two friends—sharing a meal. Nothing more, nothing less. And I felt a sense of happiness at the thought. We had gone from not talking to each other for two years to making delightful conversation in a mere day. I liked it.
It gave me hope that not everything was lost.
Slow.
I needed to take it slow, give her time.
And I was willing to do exactly that.
Ten minutes later, Maddy’s plate looked much less full, though some remained.
“There was way too much food on there, so don’t judge,” she told me, and I had to agree. It probably would’ve been too much even for a guy like me, who usually ate more than his usual share.
“Maybe Betty wanted to make sure you ate enough to last you for three days,” I joked, but Maddy merely rolled her eyes.
“Hey, does anyone feel like going swimming?” Anna asked from beside her. She looked at Maddy, but I knew the question was directed at everybody at the table. Most of the guys from work were sitting with us, so it was natural Anna would include them in her mischievous plan.
"Swimming in the dark? As in skinny-dipping? Aren’t we a little old for that?” I wanted to know.
She arched a brow at me. “I don’t know. Are you?” I bit back the snarky remark on my lips. “Also, I hadn’t planned on skinny-dipping. As a matter of fact, I am too old for that. However, I haven’t been swimming in a while and feel the need to do it.”
I felt, more than saw, how Maddy watched our interaction with vast interest, and would’ve loved to see inside her head, know what she thought about her friend’s suggestion.
“Sounds like fun. Is it still safe to swim at this time of the evening?” Maddy asked, surprising me with her willingness to go into the very thing she had wanted to run away from just this morning.
“Yeah. We haven’t seen a shark here since the middle ages. They never seem to venture this far north. Or maybe it’s this forsaken island,” Scott explained. “Plus, with the calm before the storm, it’s actually perfect timing for swimming.”
“Well, then, let’s go. I need to change, but I’m in,” Maddy said. I was pretty sure my wide eyes showed my surprise at her response. Anna’s expression probably mirrored my own, though she managed to hide it quickly, replacing it with a look of sheer excitement.
“Perfect.” Anna stood, waving her hand around the table. “If any of you scared peeps wanna join, feel free.” She pulled Maddy up, who laughed. I watched her in awe. Whatever had happened between her and the ocean earlier had definitely started the healing process. More than I thought possible in such a short time.
She was already willing to go swimming again. In the dark. Both of which would test her limits.
Without conscious thought, I stood. “All right. Who’s up for a little evening swim?” I asked the guys, since none of them had moved. They all looked around, unable to decide.
“You don’t have to ask me twice.” Scott jumped up. I had expected as much, seeing as how Anna was the one who initiated our plan.
“I’m in.”
“Me, too.”
A few of the other guys joined in, and all of a sudden, our small group had become a huge gathering. I didn’t mind, and knew Anna didn’t, either. It was a way to get everyone’s mind off the storm, something she had probably wanted to achieve, knowing her.
I saw Grace and Betty watching us as I walked over to where I had put my bag. I needed to get home and grab my swimming shorts, but it would take me less than ten minutes.
“Evening swim, huh?” Betty asked, the creases on her forehead more pronounced with her question. “You aren’t teenagers anymore.”
“Betty, you’re never too old for an evening swim. You could also come, you know,” I teased, but she shook her head, just as I knew she would.
“Hell no. That isn’t my thing. But you young people go and enjoy. Can’t wait to see what kind of crap you end up doing.”
My hand went to my chest in mock hurt. “Us? Never. We’re the nice guys. You know that.”
Betty laughed before shooing me off. “Go, go. I don’t have time for this. There are more people coming for food. So leave. Go.”
Before she got physical, I waved to Scott and motioned to my jeans, letting him know I needed to change. He nodded, then turned to Anna. I was pretty sure he also needed to go home and change, but it seemed low on his list of priorities right now.
I left the shelter and strode home. As expected, I was back ten minutes later. I had grabbed a few other essentials, thinking if I ended up staying in the shelter, I’d have everything I needed for the next day. It wasn’t everything I wanted to get from the house before the storm, but it was a start.
I could get the rest I needed tomorrow.
“There you are,” Scott greeted from the door.
“Why haven’t you gone home? Plan on skinny-dipping after all?” I asked.
“You know me. Always prepared,” he explained, pointing at the trunks he wore.
“How did you—”
“Preparation, man. You should try it.” He grinned. I rolled my eyes at his antics.
“Where are the others?” I asked.
He pointed at a group of people toward the back of the shelter. We made our way over and were greeted by a round of applause.
I smirked. “I take it I’m the last one.”
Scott merely shrugged, his expression saying he wasn’t sorry for putting me on the spot.
“All right. I’m here now,” I announced, a few laughs accompanying my declaration. I had no idea how everyone had managed to get here before me, but I didn’t have time to wonder about it as the group set into motion. There were about twenty of us, and the sight of everybody all together, talking amicably, made me smile. It was nice to not see them worrying about what the immediate future would bring.
“Thanks for doing this,” I told her.
She turned to me with a soft smile. “I didn’t do anything,” she replied, the glint in her eyes telling me she knew exactly what I referred to.
“Thank you anyway. For doing nothing,” I said before her attention was diverted to Scott and another of his crazy swimming stories.
“She’s great.”
I heard Maddy’s voice behind me and let myself fall back to walk beside her.
“She really is,” I agreed, watching Anna and Scott interact with laughter and accidental touches. It seemed carefree, open, neither worrying about what the other one may be thinking about the sudden urge to touch.
“They are pretty perfect for each other. I didn’t even know she liked someone. Unfortunately, that’s the kind of friend I had become.” Maddy’s sad tone broke my heart. I glanced at her, the half-moon throwing shadows on her face. I couldn’t tell what she thought, and it bugged me.
“You wanted to forget. I know I don’t need to tell you that no one—”
“Blamed me for it. I know. But you can’t deny I was a shitty friend. Anna was the best friend I had. And I left her. I didn’t even call or let her know where I had moved to. What kind of friend does that?”
“Maddy, you didn’t leave because you didn’t get along with people or some other random, definitely weird reason. You left because you lost the only family you had. Everywhere you looked, you were reminded of your dad. I can’t even imagine what that must’ve felt like.”
She didn’t answer right away. Instead, we walked a few paces in silence.
“It hurt, Jake. My dad was everywhere. When I bought groceries, when I took the trash out, when I cooked dinner. He was always there. I tried to make it through, work through the pain in my heart, but every time I saw something that reminded me of him, the broken pieces of my heart would tear at me again. I was afraid this island would suffocate me. I couldn’t breathe anymore. The only thing I thought would save me was leaving it far behind.”
“Did it help?” I asked. I knew I should’ve stayed quiet, but the words were out before I could stop them. I felt Maddy’s scrutinizing gaze on me, but refrained from taking my eyes off the small dirt road we walked on.
“Yes…and no,” she eventually replied. “It helped to get out for a while. To see there was life after my father’s death. I was able to breathe a bit easier when not every little thing reminded me of him. However, I’ve never felt at home where I live now. I mean, I tried to make it one, but it never felt the way this island always did. Your phone call, this storm… I’m beginning to think it’s all some plot by fate to bring me back here. Show me it was what my dad would’ve wanted instead of running away from the only home I ever truly had.”
I swallowed, her words setting my heart on fire. Anticipation went through me, hope rising like the sun on a cloudless morning.
“I have no idea what I’ll do after the storm. I thought it was clear when I came, but I’m not so sure anymore.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid everything I wanted to would make her retreat into her shell again. The one I was currently trying to get her out of.
“Hey. Are you coming or what?” Anna called from the front, slight annoyance in her voice. I hadn’t even noticed we had slowed, but Maddy used the momentary distraction to rush off toward her best friend, leaving me alone in the back of the group.
I considered going after her, but knew she needed space. Maybe it had gotten too real for her. Too honest.
Don’t push her. Don’t make her regret having opened up to you.
So I stayed where I was and let Maddy deal with the memories herself.
Chapter Seventeen
Maddy
My heart beat against my rib cage. I feared if it beat any faster, it’d jump out of my chest. My talk with Jake got personal so quickly, I didn’t have any time to stop it.
I had no idea how it happened. Why had I told him all that when all I wanted to tell him was… What exactly was it I had been meaning to tell him? I couldn’t even remember.
I walked next to Anna in silence, not listening to her conversation with Scott and another guy next to us. I was perfectly content trying to sort through the mess in my head.
Spilling everything to Jake the way I had should surprise me, but I felt quite the contrary. I felt a rush of shame at unloading on him, but knew, deep in my heart, he didn’t mind.
Talking with him had always been easy. We used to talk about the serious issues in life as often as the silly stuff we sometimes came up with. I had always looked forward to seeing him because I never knew what his mouth would spout that day. Being with him, talking with him was a constant rush of excitement.
My dad had always laughed when I told him about the conversations. Called us crazy. Not even he understood the connection we had formed that summer…before everything went downhill.
I knew I shouldn’t have dropped all of this on Jake, but my chest felt a little bit lighter, the pressure not as much as it had been a few minutes ago. After facing the ocean earlier, spilling my thoughts to someone I used to care about so deeply felt like a step in the right direction.
You still care about him, an unhelpful voice provided. I shut it out, deciding to ignore it when the ocean came into view. The moon, which was now hidden behind a layer of clouds, didn’t illuminate the water as it did hours before. It was hard to imagine it hadn’t even been three hours since I’d been here. There were no clouds in the sky then.
Some of the rush I had felt was now replaced by slow, crippling fear. It gripped my heart tightly, unexpectedly.
I was fine earlier. What happened?
My feet stopped of their own accord, the way they used to at the sight of the ocean.
What was the difference now? Was it the prospect of going into the water that made my flight reflex come back full force?
I tried to breathe through the panic, knowing I needed to get it under control. I had been looking forward to taking a long-awaited swim, but I hadn’t counted on my fear to return. I should’ve known better.
Breathe in. Breathe out. And again.
I did it a few times while the others passed me on the way to the shore. It was about twenty feet to the ocean, enough to allow me to see the dark abyss from a safe distance.
“I’m here,” a deep voice whispered. The velvet tone had an immediate effect on the tight grip the fear had on my heart.
Slowly, but steadily, it eased.
I felt Jake’s hand on my back, letting me know he was there in case I needed him. That knowledge was enough to keep me going.
One foot in front of the other.
It felt like moving a mountain with the amount of energy it took, but every step was a win.
The rest of the group had already undressed and were on their way into the water. I wanted to tell Jake to go ahead, to leave me here to fight my demons myself, but selfishly decided against it. I wanted…needed him here.
“Take as much time as you need, Maddy,” he said, his touch burning a hole in my back. His words pushed through the fog of fear in my mind and cleared some of what the prospect of swimming in the ocean had muddied again.
Another step. And another. Every single one got easier. It didn’t feel as if I needed to move mountains anymore. Instead, my feet started gliding over the sandy ground, almost anticipating the way it would feel against my bare skin.
Breathing wasn’t a chore anymore, either. With every step I took toward the ocean, it was as if there was a part of me that recognized what I was about to do. And looked forward to it.
Just like I always had before everything happened.
Everyone had settled in the water, the sound of splashing clearly audible in the darkness.
“I forgot how much fun we used to have doing this,” I remarked.
“We did, yes. Though I always said we were too old for it, no one ever listened. I don’t think you ever get too old
for stuff like this. Plus, everyone who lives on this island loves the ocean, no matter their age,” Jake said, and though I couldn’t see him, I heard the smile in his voice.
“Yes, I remember.” Talking kept me from bolting. It kept my focus on what I was about to do, what I wanted to do.
“Do you remember how we went skinny-dipping one night over by the cliffs? I dared you to jump from them, but you chickened out at the last minute.”
I recalled the night very clearly, my stomach tingling at the mere thought of it.
Jake had dared me to go out in the middle of the night to the one place that wasn’t frequented by late-night swimmers, merely because of the danger it posed. The cliffs weren’t terribly high, but the rush of water below was sometimes unpredictable, which was exactly why I didn’t end up doing it. Jake had no such reservation, despite the respect he had for the ocean. He got undressed to his shorts—at which point I told him it wasn’t skinny-dipping if you still wore clothes—and jumped in.
I might’ve screamed in fear. It was horrible. I saw all the terrible ways in which he could possibly die. When he resurfaced, he merely laughed and told me to do it. That the current wasn’t strong at all and I should dare it.
I didn’t. I valued my life.
Jake teased me for a week, but I didn’t care. All I thought about was the possibility of his death…and the sight he posed when he stripped down to his underwear.
I had tried hard not to stare, but it was struggle when all I had wanted to do was go over to him and explore every inch of his body.
“Maddy? Did you get lost on me?” I heard Jake ask. When I refocused, I was surprised to see we had reached the spot where everyone had put their clothes.
Jake’s hand left my back, and I instantly felt its absence, mourning it without meaning to. He walked around, coming to a stop in front of me.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about that night,” I admitted.
He smiled. “It was a fun night.”
I merely nodded as I scanned the scene in front of me. About half of our group was in the water, while the other half chased each other around the shore. I loved the sight of it. I loved the fact that none of them cared how it looked to anyone else. All they wanted was to have fun. It did something to my heart.