by Jamie Summer
“Do you want to go into the water?” Jake eventually asked, breaking the silence that had descended upon us. I didn’t answer, watching the scene unfold in front of me. More splashing, more laughter. Everyone enjoying themselves. I longed to do the same.
“I want to go in,” I told him, and he didn’t protest. Instead, he nodded and started to undress. “It’s cold. Everyone else—”
“They all went in with their bathing shorts on, Maddy. No worries. I won’t go skinny-dipping if you don’t want me to,” he teased, the glint in his eyes visible even in the dark.
I wanted to tell him I didn’t want him to go commando anyway. I didn’t want him to go skinny-dipping with all these people around.
It’s only my sight to see, a voice whispered.
I cursed myself. Jake wasn’t mine. Never really had been.
“All right. Ready?” he asked, his gaze raking over the clothes still on my body. “Come on.”
Instead of panic about the upcoming task, I found myself pulling my sweater over my head, then shimmied out of my jeans. Suddenly, I stood in front of him wearing nothing but my bikini. Something I clearly should’ve thought about a bit more beforehand.
I didn’t miss the way his eyes stayed on my body a second too long, the steel blue of them darkening, the way his tongue darted out to moisten his lips.
My arms crossed over my stomach, as if hiding any part of my body would make a lick of a difference at this point.
“Don’t,” Jake said, pulling my arms away. “Never hide, okay?” His voice sounded throaty and filled with so much he wasn’t saying.
We stayed like that for a moment before I moved away. I tried to avert my gaze, tried to escape the feelings rushing through me.
Longing. Guilt. Shame. Fear.
The war of emotions inside me was too much. I wasn’t sure which one I wanted—or needed—to focus on, so I decided to avoid dealing with them. It had been what I had gotten good at. Hiding.
I turned away from Jake and walked over to the water’s edge, putting as much distance between me and him as I could.
Then the water was there, lapping around my feet in slow motion. I had been so caught up in trying to get away, I missed the fact I had stepped right up to the ocean.
Immobilized, I stood there, rooted to the spot. I was frozen, tense, unable to move. Should I run and hide? Or face it?
I took a deep breath, the salty breeze reminding me once again of why I was here in the first place. I had wanted to conquer my fear.
I lifted my foot slowly, putting it down a little farther out. The decline wasn’t steep, so I knew I had plenty of time to get used to the water around me before taking another step.
Someone stepped up beside me, and I didn’t have to look to know who it was. My body instantly reacted whenever he was close, as if it sensed his presence and was wired the moment he was near. It was both annoying and intoxicating. A dangerous mix to play with.
He didn’t touch me, didn’t speak. He merely stood there, watching, as I tried to fight through the slight panic within me.
I wanted to ignore him, but part of me knew I drew some strength from him. So, instead of pushing him out of my mind, I welcomed him.
My head filled with images of us in the water, much like we were right now. Daytime, nighttime, relaxing, fishing, doing God knew what. There were so many memories involving Jake and the ocean, it was hard to focus on one. Then again, did I need to?
The push those memories gave me was all I needed.
I didn’t feel the cold around me anymore. Despite the water temperature being well below forty degrees, I barely recognized it. I reveled in the way it woke me up—body, mind, and soul. I welcomed the cold touch around my ankles, around my knees. The deeper I got in the water, the more alive I felt.
Going back into the ocean was like finding myself again. All of myself.
I had run away from it for so long, I had no idea what it felt like to be myself anymore. Yet the closer I got to diving under, the more I felt like I could finally breathe. Fully. Completely.
A smile spread on my lips when I noticed I had walked several feet into the ocean, the water lapping around my waist. The iciness registered, but not enough to make me want to turn around. Quite the contrary. It made me want to walk even farther.
I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to live.
With every step I took, I was able to.
With the water rushing through every piece of my soul, I knew I was finally back where I belonged.
I was finally home.
Chapter Eighteen
Jake
After a few moments, I stopped following her. It was clear she didn’t need me anymore, and something told me she needed to do this by herself.
I never took my eyes off her, though. I wanted to make sure she was going to be okay out there.
The second she stepped into the water, she seemed determined, but I had no idea when a possible relapse might hit, so I wanted to be prepared.
“I didn’t think she’d truly do it,” Anna said, stepping up beside me. I turned to look at her for a second before focusing on Maddy again.
“She finally realized where she belonged,” I replied with a certainty I would never be able to explain to Anna. Watching Maddy take step after step, it was as if I was able to watch her realize what she missed when she left this island behind. Left us behind.
“I sure hope you’re right,” she whispered. I heard the soft sound of splashing, letting me know Anna had left me once more.
No one else approached, as if they all knew I didn’t have time for any games. All I cared about was making sure Maddy was okay. I had no idea how long I stood there, my gaze trained on her.
The changes in her were subtle, barely noticeable to someone who didn’t know Maddy inside and out. But I had spent years of my life memorizing everything about her.
For every moment she spent in the ocean, she stood a bit taller, the tension slowly leaving her shoulders.
When she spun around, I was ready for it. What I wasn’t ready for was the radiant smile on her lips.
“I—” she started, then stopped.
I had no idea what she had meant to say, but it didn’t matter. Before I knew what I was doing, I moved toward her, closing the distance between us. Maddy’s eyes widened as I came to a stop in front of her, but I didn’t give her any time to think. I couldn’t.
My hands framing her face in a gentle caress, I captured her lips with mine. It took her a moment to react, but instead of pushing me away, like I expected, her arms went around me, pulling me closer. She met me eagerly, our mouths moving together in a single motion.
It was familiar, yet felt excitingly new at the same time. I had forgotten the fervor with which Maddy did everything, but hadn’t forgotten the taste of her, full of remnants of the ocean and promises I wasn’t sure either of us would be able to keep.
I pulled away. “I’m…” Shaking my head, I sighed. “God, I’m not sorry,” I whispered. I leaned my forehead against hers, feeling her tremble under my hands. I had no idea if it was from the cold or from the kiss.
“Neither am I,” she said, her lips close to mine, silently begging me to continue what I had started.
“We need to stop, Maddy. I’m pretty sure I already need a second before I can walk out of here and not embarrass myself, so don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.”
A soft laugh escaped her lips. I wanted to revel in the sound for as long as I could.
I trembled, excitement and fear rushing through me. She was as affected by this as I was, yet I couldn’t help but wait for her to push me away, to tell me it had been a mistake. I didn’t want her to utter the words, but I was prepared for them.
Instead, she went on her tiptoes and kissed me another time. Gently. Slowly. Savoring the feeling of our lips meshed together.
“I guess I’ll go out first then. I think I’ve had enough of being back in the ocean for now. You, however, feel free to
stay as long as you need to. We wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.” There was a teasing smile on her lips, and while I wanted to punish her for making fun of me, I stopped myself. This was the Maddy I remembered. This was the woman I fell in love with all those years ago.
She was back.
I watched as she moved past me toward the shore, her body swaying with the soft waves. There was a smile on her lips as she walked out, the sight making a few heads turn in her direction.
Someone cleared their throat next to me. I sighed. “What?” I asked.
“Care to explain?” Scott wanted to know.
I turned toward my best friend. “What exactly do you want me to explain?” I dared him, ready to get into an argument, but when I caught sight of his face, I knew he hadn’t come here to give me a piece of his mind. His grin gave that much away.
“I’m glad she finally has her smile back. I’d heard so many things about it, I was sad I’d never be able to see it. Yet here she was, in the ocean, with you, and didn’t freeze up. Then again, she had someone to warm her blood, didn’t she?”
I pushed him, hoping he would go under the water, but Scott had been prepared for my childish behavior. His laugh echoed as he walked to where Anna was having a water fight with some of the others.
My gaze found Maddy. She had walked over to her small bag and pulled out a towel, wrapping it around her body, hiding it from sight. A shame, but I couldn’t blame her. She was probably freezing out there without any shelter from the wind.
I stayed in the water a few minutes more before I made my way back to shore. Her eyes found mine and a smile spread across her face. I loved the fact I was able to put it there.
Way more than I should.
“Managed to get out without any issues?” she asked, a teasing glint in her eyes.
I bent down, inches from her face. “I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much,” I replied, my lips barely touching hers. Even though I was tempted, I didn’t want to move too quickly, so I stepped back. Disappointment clouded Maddy’s face and I cursed myself.
“Maddy, look—”
“No, don’t explain. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I get it. It didn’t mean—”
“The hell it didn’t!” I raised my voice, unable to contain the frustration rising within me. Several heads turned in our direction, so I calmed myself. She was about to lock me out again, but I wouldn’t allow that. “I want nothing more than to kiss you another time. To kiss every inch of your body when it’s under me. However, the more I kiss you now, the more I won’t be able to contain myself. I don’t think you’d be overly happy about me throwing you down on the sand and having my way with you right here for everyone to see.”
Her eyes widened at my words and I saw her swallow. Her breathing quickened, her cheeks turning a crimson shade.
“That’s what I thought. I want to do this right, Maddy. I don’t want to ruin it within the first few minutes. So no, I won’t kiss you any more right now. In fact, I will sit over there…” I pointed about ten feet away, “putting some much-needed space between us. And once you’re ready to leave, let me know and we will. We won’t be returning to the shelter, though. No. I hope you’ll come home with me. If you do, I promise that I will do all the things currently running through your mind. And more.” My body wanted her more with every word I spoke, but I didn’t care. My gaze was trained on Maddy. I didn’t want to miss any reaction from her, any blink of her eyes.
Eventually, her brows drew together, and I knew a challenge when I saw it. “Are you telling me what to do, Jake?”
I shook my head, my eyes never leaving hers. “No. I know there’s no telling you what do to. I can only hope.”
“Okay,” she breathed.
Okay. A simple word, yet the most meaningful one she had ever spoken.
Voices drifted over to us. I moved away as several people walked out of the water and over to us. They laughed and plopped down onto their blankets, oblivious to the tension around them. Maddy averted her gaze and stood. Anna had also come out of the water, so Maddy walked up to meet her. Her friend embraced her, a soft smile on her lips. Words were exchanged, but I could only imagine what they were.
When they embraced, I couldn’t help the stab of envy I felt at the sight. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her. God, I wanted to do so much more to her.
The night couldn’t come soon enough.
A restlessness settled within me. Yelling at everyone to move faster wouldn’t work, so I tried to occupy myself. Talking, listening, anything to keep my mind off images of what could happen tonight.
I snuck glances at Maddy, but she seemed caught up in conversations with Anna, Scott, and a few others. She barely took notice of me. I had no idea if she was just good at hiding, or if she had already forgotten our little arrangement. The latter stung bitterly, and I couldn’t help the fact that thought overshadowed everything else.
Hours later—granted, it was probably only a few minutes—someone called for our outing to be over. The temperature seemed to drop with every passing second, and apparently, not everyone was so inclined to feel the iciness of the wind as I was.
I didn’t mind. The sooner we left, the sooner I’d be able to sneak Maddy away from the crowd. She walked back with Anna, the two caught up in a heated discussion. I had no idea what they talked about, but it didn’t matter.
After the umpteenth time I asked Scott to repeat what he said, he scowled at me. “Hey, man, you okay?” Needless to say, my attention span was short right now.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Um, I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve barely said a word since we left the beach. And don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you keep staring at Maddy. I’m not dumb, you know. Common courtesy dictates you actually hold a conversation with your friend, though. Maddy seems to be capable of that.”
I sighed. He was right. “I’m sorry. It’s just…”
“You can’t wait to have her to yourself?”
My eyes snapped to his.
He smirked. “What? I told you, I’m not blind. I saw the way you tried hard not to look at her at the beach. You’ve waited so long. You can wait a little longer.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I focused on our conversation from that moment on. We talked about the storm, the work we still needed to do for the shelter, and a few other topics I couldn’t care less about at that point, but I indulged him nonetheless.
Before long, we reached the shelter. While everyone else walked into the underground bunker, I stayed outside. Anna passed, a small grin on her face. Then Scott bid me farewell, rolling his eyes as he did so. I didn’t comment, simply giving him my sweetest smile. Maddy, who had been caught up in a conversation with one of my co-workers, came to a stop in front of me. We watched the rest of the group move through the door until it was only the two of us left.
Maddy studied my face, then cleared her throat. “I’m going to go inside and change.”
I arched a brow at her. “Why would you want to do that?” I asked, making her smile.
“I smell like the ocean threw up on me. Probably not exactly what you wanted.”
“It’s perfect.” My words must have surprised her because her mouth formed the “o” I had come to love so much about her.
This time, I gave in to the urge and bent down to kiss her surprise away. “Don’t change,” I whispered against her mouth, gently biting her lower lip to prove my point. “This is exactly the way I want you.”
Maddy’s breathing quickened. “Okay.”
There it was. That magic word again.
Without hesitating, I took her hand and pulled her toward my house. If she minded, she didn’t say. In fact, Maddy’s steps quickened, as if she were just as eager to reach privacy as I was.
And, by God, I couldn’t wait. I wanted to have her all to myself, even if it was merely for a few hours. I would take whatever I could get.
With Maddy, even though hou
rs would never be enough, I would take anything over nothing at all.
She was my ocean, my place of peace and quiet.
She was my sanctuary.
And always would be.
Chapter Nineteen
Maddy
When Jake’s house came into view, my breath came out in short gasps.
Was I ready? Did I truly want this?
I shook off the wayward thoughts, focusing on the feeling of his calloused hand—hands that had worked hard his whole life—in mine. A small smile played on his lips, as if he didn’t want himself to get too excited yet.
Was he as scared as I was? Worried? Doubtful?
I hated feeling torn the way I did. A day ago, there was nothing that mattered more than getting off this island, away from the memories and the people. Jake managed to change all of it. He managed to make me question it all. Again.
We came to a stop on the front porch. I watched him fumble for the keys in his jacket, taking much longer than he probably ever had.
“Got it,” he eventually yelled, a wide grin on his face at the simple success of getting out the house keys. He put it into the lock and turned, the door easily giving way.
I took a moment to admire the outside before I stepped in. I didn’t remember this house being so beautiful when I lived on the island. All I remembered were cracked floorboards, broken glass, and doors hanging precariously from their hinges. Jake and I used to walk by here and imagine the treasures hidden underneath all the years of neglect.
He must’ve bought the abandoned house after I moved away. The thought both scared and warmed me.
Nothing of its former, shabby look was left anymore. The house was painted a beautiful shade of yellow, the kind that made you feel all happy inside.
As I stepped into the house, I couldn’t believe the sight. It was easily one of the most beautiful and homey insides I had ever seen. The entryway was small, barely enough room for four people to fit. There was a coat rack made out of dark wood, a small shoe shelf underneath it. Jake took off his jacket and hung it up before turning to face me. I hadn’t moved, simply starring at the space in front of me.