Imaginations

by Tara Brown

  I swallowed. My hands and face were heating up.

  "Is this seat taken?" His voice was like a bow playing the cords on a violin. It dragged along me perfectly, making the heat and tingle worsen.

  I tried to stay calm as I shook my head. I should have said it was taken but that was an untruth. I would have liked to make him sit somewhere else. But I didn’t. I expected the heat that came next. It was the worst kind of predictability. I had seen him before. He had sat beside me before. He had made me hot and curious before.

  I tried to get control of my irregular breath and heartbeat.

  "I'm Brandon. Everyone calls me Bran," he leaned in and whispered, making his hot breath hit my nape. "I think we've met before."

  I swallowed and tried to clear my brain from the fog that had settled in. I imagined it was the steam from the tram that he dragged in with him when he boarded. He steamed up my brain.

  "You ride this one a lot?" he asked.

  I shook my head.

  "Then maybe we haven’t."

  My words betrayed me and left my lips in a nearly silent whisper, "We have."

  I felt him tense next to me. It was a feeling I didn’t expect.

  "You remember me?" he whispered.

  I nodded. "Please. Not here."

  He slipped his hand over mine. Something was stuffed into my palm. Thankfully, Amber was chatting with the girl next to her. I was on fire where his hand had eaten up mine. The rough object he had put in there scared me. It was foreign and weird.

  I was imagining things.

  "Please meet me, Gwyn," he whispered as he squeezed my hand once. He got up and walked to the back of the tramcar. I turned my face and watched him walk away. I felt something. I didn’t know how to describe it. It hurt me and made my breathing feel trapped somehow.

  He was tall and thick, but lean still. He looked like a regular guy, but maybe a bit thicker and very tall. He left the tramcar, and as the door closed I had the strangest feeling I needed to follow him. I needed to see him. I needed him. It was a similar sensation to needing water or air. I needed the guy looking back at me through the glass door smiling. His eyes didn’t smile with his lips. They looked haunted and frightened, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was as afraid of me as I was him.

  If I gave myself longer than a second to think about it, he scared me. It was something we had studied, the emotions. The one I felt was fear, not terror like being chased by an animal, but dread. Fear of loss—painful fear.

  I gripped the rough thing in my hand and waited.

  "Hey Gwyn, you had the same feeling too?" Amber smiled at me. The girl next to her looked at me expectantly. I nodded. I didn’t know what they were talking about. I didn’t care. I wanted to open my hand and see what it was. They went back to chatting.

  Bran. What an odd name. I had not heard of that name before. I shook my head and gripped the rough object.

  The tram couldn’t stop fast enough. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to see the thing in my hand. I pulled my handheld from my pocket and held it closed to my face. I opened my other palm and made it look like I was checking my handheld.

  Inside my sweaty little palm was something I feared more than anything in the world. It crinkled in my hand. I dragged my thumb down it. It was balled up.

  I forced myself not to look around. I already looked insane, at the least, with the sweat forming on my brow and the obviously panicked look on my face.

  I thumbed the paper until it opened. Inside was writing . . . handwriting. I flattened it against my hand and frowned.

  "What?" Amber leaned in.

  I gulped and closed my fist. "Nothing. Just not sure where to go, you know? Looking at my schedule for the day."

  She smiled and her dark eyes twinkled. "It'll be great. I bet we even have fun."

  I nodded and crumpled the paper in my hand tighter. When the tram stopped, I jumped off and did just as the paper said. I popped it into my mouth and let it get really wet before swallowing it.

  My handheld made a slight sound. I pulled back and looked at the words across the screen.

  Good luck, honey

  I smiled and swallowed more spit to get the ball of paper down.

  Amber grabbed my hand. "Oh gosh. Your hands are so sweaty. Yuck."

  I flinched. "I feel funny."

  She rubbed her stomach. "My stomach does too."

  The girl who was beside her, Kate, smiled. "Mine too. But I think it's going to be great. I think."

  The tram station downtown was amazing. I gasped and wondered how many times I'd seen it. I muttered, “You ever wonder how many times we see things?”

  Kate and Amber each gave me a funny look. Amber shook her head and laughed. “You are so crazy sometimes.”

  But to me it felt like the first time. Not that I would be able to tell.

  I almost spun in a circle as I gawked, lingering and continuing to marvel. The floor looked like some kind of rock. It was shiny and pretty. Everything there was so clean and polished. It looked fancy in comparison to the place where I lived. Even our school was drab. We left the station, and as if on cue, a gasp left the lips of all the kids around us.

  "This is amazing, Gwyn!"

  I glanced at the boy next to me and nodded. "Hey Lyle, yeah it is."

  "Do you recall coming here alone before?" he asked.

  I shook my head and instantly felt less like a weirdo for wondering about it.

  He flashed a smile at me. "Me either, but I wonder if I have ever seen it the way I am now." There was something in his smile.

  He was beautiful. I had always thought so. It was something I remembered. ‘Course it helped that all the girls in our school went on and on about him and Tyler constantly.

  "Good luck today, Gwyn." He winked at me like my dad did all the time and walked away. I smiled after him. His wink made me feel something confusing. He wasn’t a winker. He was shy, sweet, and gentlemanly.

  My insides were on fire. I needed more than luck. I needed to give my head a shake. I was acting insane; that much was obvious. I had written myself a note and eaten a note I was given on the tram by a stranger.

  I strolled behind Amber and the other girl, but I couldn’t get excited about my designation. I was too nervous about the boy I was meeting later at the Club of the Unknown. It had been a crazy day, and it sounded like it might only get worse.

  We entered the building that said 746 on it. The guard at the front smiled. He looked friendly but in a way that still let you know he was watching. They all were.

  "Follow me." He smiled and gave Amber a long stare. It made me feel weird. She was so busy gawking and looking around, she didn’t notice.

  The group of us who were going into the building got into the elevator.

  Lyle was next to me. I didn’t notice until he leaned in and whispered, “Scared?"

  I nodded without looking at him. I knew his smell and his voice. I could close my eyes and find him in a crowd. He smelled amazing, always.

  "Me too." His fingers wiggled into mine, gripping my hand. My skin tingled.

  The grip of his hand lit my skin on fire. I parted my lips to speak but I couldn’t. I was breathing uneasily and my words were lost in the suspense of everything else.

  He squeezed. I squeezed back. It was wrong to touch in the light of day if you weren’t married or courting. It was inconsiderate to others to flaunt your love and attraction. Fortunately, the elevator was packed with other kids. I liked the fact that I had something no one else knew about. I liked that no one could see his hand holding mine. It was a bit of adventure in a positive way.

  He leaned into me. "Will you have dinner with me this week?" He whispered into my ear. My neck tingled. I didn’t even know the proper response to the question. His father was a hugely important political person. He lived in the farthest neighborhood from the city. His house was a mansion. They all were, that far out.

  I shook my head and maintained my proper behavior.

/>   "Have dinner with me." It wasn’t a question and I felt obligated to say yes. He was sweet and kind.

  I swallowed and nodded once. His breath got alarmingly close to my neck. His lips pressed against my throat. I held my breath. My eyes were wide. I didn’t know what to say or do. It was the softest kiss imaginable. I knew what kisses were. I knew what it all was—the heat, the flushing of my skin, the way his touch made me tingle—all of it. I was attracted to him and my body was chemically responding. I just never expected him to kiss me. Not ever. He was too much of a gentleman.

  His lips against my throat were fleeting. When they were gone, the elevator stopped. The cold air of the hallway sought out the wet spot where his lips had touched me.

  He let go of my hand. The kiss and the touching was our little secret. It was fleeting and forbidden, especially in the building we were in.

  My legs shook, but I liked it. I liked the kiss and the handholding. Lyle was something I understood, someone I knew. He wasn’t something dangerous. He was safe.

  I followed the guard with the others. Lyle glanced back at me. His soft-blue eyes framed by thick black lashes and his sly smile made my heartbeat skip with delight. I liked his olive complexion and square jaw with the dimple in his cheek.

  The room we were led to was small with chairs against one wall.

  “Have a seat, and they will see you one at a time,” the guard muttered and walked away.

  I sat, gripping my knees. I could feel the heat and sweat of my palms through my slacks.

  The faces around me matched my feelings. I didn’t know what to expect. The yellow wall across from us shifted, opening to a screen. The screen buzzed and then a face appeared.

  Instantly, I felt my nerves calm.

  I took a deep breath. Waiting for the designation doctors wouldn’t be bad if she stayed with us, guiding us as she always had.

  Her dark-blue eyes and sweet smile comprised the face of my childhood. I remembered hers better than my own.

  She parted her lips and spoke in the same soft voice as always, “Good afternoon. You are the engineers of class 2317. You are about to be trained in the highest class we can ever hope to achieve. I myself was class 2295. I know on this day, all those years ago, I too was nervous. I too felt sick to my stomach and confused. But I too was ready for my future to begin. And we need to remember that as a whole, we saved this world so we each would have a future. We sacrificed our yesterdays, so that the world could be the peaceful place it is today. We have no murders, no crimes, no thefts, no riots in the streets, and no starvation or poverty. We have no divorces or children being battled over by bitterness and sorrow. We don’t have to fear the other countries. They are gone. We are all that is left. We have no fears because they are made up of the things we harbor. The bitterness, fear, pain, and misery of yesterday, and the choices we made, the anger we felt, and the pain we caused, is gone. It’s all gone. It is because of the engineers that came before you that we are able to control this aspect of our lives. We are able to be a free people. We are able to laugh today about the things that are simple and good. Today we can rejoice in the love we feel, because it is old love that has made a memory in our hearts. Only the truly good is kept through long-term repetition and all of the negative is washed away with sleep. We are blessed in the choices we have accepted as a great nation. We are blessed in the genius of our forefathers, who made the ultimate sacrifice and gave up their yesterdays. Because all that matters, citizens, is tomorrow. And tomorrow is a new day.”

  Her smile grew as tears of excitement and joy built in her eyes. “Say it with me, citizens. Tomorrow is a new day.” We repeated and felt the pride and hope in the choices we never made but have lived with always. We were never given a vote on the sacrifice. We were born that way.

  I glanced down as she finished speaking. “Be proud of the achievements you have accomplished up until this point that have brought you to this, the pinnacle of our people. Congratulations to you—the newest workers of our society!” She clapped for us. I felt my face flush.

  She blew us a kiss as a single tear dripped down her ivory cheek. “Stay strong and remember the sacrifices we will make for them, the greater good.” The TV turned off. The girl next to me wiped away a tear. She blubbered, “I don’t know why I’m crying. The superior engineer always makes me cry.”

  One by one, we were led away. When it was my turn I felt excitement and apprehension. I had always thought I would like to be a memory maker, but at the same time I couldn’t help but worry about my parents. After my brother’s designation took him away from us, I gave up on it. The idea of being a memory maker was scary anyway. The worry of what it would be like if every day wasn’t a new day. What if I remembered the embarrassments and pain and sorrow of yesterday? Would I want that?

  “Gwyndolyn Caddie?”

  I looked up to the man speaking my name and smiled through the confusion and fear.

  He pointed for me to follow him. “This way, please.”

  I stood and looked back at the few remaining people. The sounds of our shoes echoed off the shiny white walls of the long corridor. He was long and thin, in light-gray pants and a white dress shirt. Everything was pressed and perfect. His shoes even gleamed as the white floors did.

  I felt drab and shabby compared to him.

  He stopped at a white door, opening it for me. “They’re just inside.” I looked at him, surprised he was only slightly older than I was. I stepped inside, desperately searching myself for answers, fears, and emotions. They were strangers inside of me. I knew none of them.

  The door closed, and I was alone in another hallway. I walked, looking for answers to where I was going.

  My steps shortened as I grew less and less comfortable with being the only noise.

  Suddenly a laugh, like I had never heard before, filled the space. I stopped, waiting for its owner to attack me. The sound came from a small doorway at the end of the long white hallway.

  A man appeared in the doorway suddenly. “Gwyndolyn, how are you?” He knew me, though I was certain I had never seen him before. He was my father’s age maybe, with a dark trimmed beard and dark eyes. His hair was styled to the side and still very thick. His skin was tanned and he looked like he was very fit. He waved me inside of the doorway. “We don’t bite. Come on in.” He paused in the doorway and smiled as I met him. “I’m Frank.” He grabbed my hand, shaking it roughly.

  I noticed his nametag and sighed. At least I wouldn’t have to try to remember them all for the meeting.

  I stepped inside of the room and was instantly stunned.

  She was there.

  She was beautiful.

  Her dark hair and ivory skin contrasted each other so boldly that she seemed too bright for the stark-white room. She stood out amongst the others. The red lips and bright-blue eyes that had won me over from the screen were even more compelling in real life.

  I knew her face better than my own.

  She clasped her hands together, smiling brightly, and stood.

  She was long and lean, and somehow superior in every way. She was the superior engineer.

  “I have been waiting to meet you, Gwyndolyn.” She beamed and walked across the room.

  My breath, no longer ragged and afraid, was lodged in my throat.

  Her creamy-white hands clasped around mine. They were cold and soft. She squeezed, and I got lost in the azure blue of her eyes. They were framed by thick black lashes and dark perfectly arched eyebrows. She and Frank wore the city workers’ uniform, but they were so beautiful, it looked fancy on them.

  “How are you, darling?”

  I trembled, twitching and unable to form words.

  Her red lips lifted to a smile, revealing her perfect white teeth. Her hair had more shine than the walls that glistened.

  Finally, I stammered, “N-n-nice to m-m-meet you.”

  She laughed and I would swear it was music. “Call me Lisabeth. Come, dear girl, sit and hear us out.” She wrapped a
thin, cool arm around me and pulled me to the chair. I almost looked down for the cloud she floated upon.

  I sat and watched her as she flitted about the room, finally coming back to her seat across the white table from me.

  Everything was too white and bright, and my throat was parched. I tried to swallow but there was nothing. The other two people in the room gave me soft smiles.

  Lisabeth poured me a glass of water and slid it across the table to me.

  Frank spoke again, “We have been eager to meet you.” He sat at the table and took the glass of water she poured him.

  I lifted the glass and drank like I had never been given water before. The cold, icy freshness flowed down my throat like a fresh river from a mountaintop. I finished with a sigh.

  “It’s good, isn’t it?” she asked, sipping her own.

  I nodded and looked around at all of them. Two men and two women.

  Lisabeth pointed to the lady next to her. “Maria, and this is Andrew. We are the council of superior engineers for the city. The planners.”

  “Pleased to meet you,” I said, trying not to sound like a complete idiot.

  They only nodded, but Frank started speaking again, “We have some very interesting studies going on. We hoped you would show interest in the memory-maker section.”

  My spirits fell hard for my poor parents.

  He smiled. “But when the testing was completed, we realized there was no way you could be a memory maker.”

  I nearly sighed with relief.

  I couldn’t look at Lisabeth as Frank gave me the bad news. He leaned forward. “You are far too gifted to be stuck creating relationships, and frankly, not interested enough in intimacy.”

  I didn’t know what that meant. It sounded bad.

  He glanced at Lisabeth, who finished the news, “We would love for you to come and work here with us. We have only a couple spots to fill. We keep the team rather light as it is a huge sacrifice.” I knew instantly what she meant. I knew my tomorrows and my memories would be intact. I would lose my connection with my parents. They would be down a second child.

  I looked down at the table and nodded. “Okay.” I could hear the hesitation in my own voice, but in the note I had told myself to take whatever job they offered me.