by Tara Brown
He whispered into my hair, “The second to last day, she told Mrs. Barker she saw a guy on the tram she remembered. She, of course, reported Brooke, as is her duty. Brooke must have failed the tests on her memory. She must have been making memories that were not sanctioned.”
I heaved but he held me tighter. I had a terrible feeling it was Bran. He had spent so much time trying to make me remember him that he might have accidentally made Brooke remember him.
Lyle tipped my chin, looking into my eyes. “No more lying though, okay? We need to be completely honest with each other for the rest our lives together. If we are to survive this, I need your trust and honesty.”
The smell of the orchards wafted into the tramcar. I closed my eyes, hating the way the orchard’s smell made me ache everywhere. I opened my eyes and nodded once. “I trust you. I have no idea what’s going on, and I’m terrified in a way I don’t have the words to describe, but I trust you. I feel like I love you in a way I don’t understand.”
His intensity mellowed and his eyes softened. “I . . . uhm—thank you.” He blushed and looked down. He confused me completely. It suited the rest of the last twenty-four hours.
I leaned my head on his shoulder, sitting in silence. It wasn’t the peaceful kind. It was a new type of silence I didn’t recall from before. It hurt and tangled me up inside. I shouldn’t have said that I sort of loved him. It wasn’t real. It was their fake love. He didn’t feel it back. I hated that. I truly did. I knew very few things for certain, but one was that I had never wanted to be paired and married off. I never wanted to have children, and I never wanted to leave my parents alone after my brother did. Now all of those things were coming true.
He kissed the top of my head and whispered, “I can’t wait to see you in your dress.”
I loved his kisses, and his hugs, and his blue eyes, and his charming smile. I didn’t know how much of it, if any, was true and genuine, but I loved him in a way, and I couldn’t fight it.
The tram stopped in my area. He got up and walked off the tram with me. I looked back, frowning. “What are you doing?”
He looked around. “Walking my lady home.”
I smiled. “You’re silly.”
He chuckled, taking my arm and dragging me out onto the platform. He took my hand in his, eating it up completely. “You have small hands.”
I looked where his hand had engulfed mine. “Perhaps you have large hands.”
He nodded. “I do, but yours are still quite small.”
We walked to my house, holding hands and talking nonsense. I reached for the handle but he pulled me back and knocked on the door, holding me to him. “What are you doing? This is my house. I can walk in.”
My mother answered with a confused look. “Hi, honey.”
I smiled at her. “This is Lyle.” I had no idea what he was doing.
She nodded. “I know, sweetie. How are you, Lyle? How are your mother and father?”
Lyle beamed. “They are both well; I need to discuss my intentions, for your daughter.”
Her face lit up. She stepped inside, holding her hand back. “Please, come in.” As he stepped in, she winked at me. I sighed and let her close the door. “Jack! Jack, honey, Lyle Getty is here to talk to you.”
My father rounded the corner, just taking his coat off. He must have been on the tram just before us, coming from the city.
He smiled. “Hello, son. Gwyn.”
“Hi, Daddy.”
Lyle swallowed hard. “Gwyn and I have been chosen as the new planners.”
My mother’s eyes lit up. “Together?”
He nodded. “Apparently, when planners are chosen, they are picked as a pair.”
My father’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve been paired?” I nodded slowly. He shook his head. “I thought you didn’t want that.”
I glanced up at Lyle. “I never did. But it’s right.”
Lyle smiled at me. “I always wanted it.” He looked like he was being sincere. He looked back at my father. “As we have been paired already, we will be living together in the city. I can only assume that they mean to marry us. I cannot do so without your consent, sir.”
My father took a leisurely breath. “I can’t say that I am disappointed they are pairing you to marry Lyle. The Gettys are an upstanding family, and you have always proven yourself to be a good person.” He put his hand out, “I give it, wholeheartedly.” I could hear the hesitation though.
Lyle finally breathed, taking my father’s hand. My mother leapt at Lyle, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I have such a good feeling about this.” He hugged her back. I smiled at my dad. His eyes told me we weren’t done speaking of this. I glanced behind him at the screen and wondered if my house was watched, and if I would be watching houses too.
“I better be going.” Lyle pulled away from my mother’s clutches and looked down on me with his charming smile. “I’ll pick you up in two hours?”
My doubt and worry melted. “Okay.”
He bent and kissed my cheek and smiled at my family. “It was nice seeing you all.” When he left, I closed the door and leaned my back against it.
My father gave me a look. “You alright?”
Not sure what he meant, I frowned. “I am.”
My mother was making high-pitch noises and rushing about the house, but he remained stoic, like he was processing it. “Is this what you want, really?”
I nodded, knowing I couldn’t answer that any other way. I smiled. “I like him, Daddy. I always have.”
“But to be paired so young, and at the start of your designation, and with someone far above our class. It’s a lot.”
I watched his dark eyes and wondered, just for a second, if he had his memories. I sighed. “Daddy, he’s perfect, and I am the same designation as he is now.”
His eyes narrowed again, like he was looking through me. “I know, dear.” He touched my hand briefly and wandered off into the house, still in his daze.
I didn’t know what to make of him, but I had a terrible feeling his memories were not what he pretended them to be. I walked to the shower, smiling at the fact that my mother was humming and dancing about our modest house.
I pulled everything off slowly, looking at myself as I did it. I was different in a thousand ways, and yet, completely the same. My body had not changed, though it had slept next to a man’s. Was he really a man though? My body was lean and pale, like always, but now I saw it as something more. The curve of my breasts, the shape of my waist, the cut of my thin wiry muscles all seemed like they were more. There was potential for more. Would Lyle ask for me to give myself to him? Did I want to give myself to him?
I got lost in the blue of my eyes as I tried to imagine it but I could not. His golden, handsome face turned into a tanned green-eyed boy every time. Every kiss and caress turned into someone else. Someone I could never be with.
I ran a hand through my long blonde curls and made a decision to try with Lyle. Eventually my heart would forget about Bran.
Commencement
The knock at the door lifted my eyes to meet my mother’s. She smiled. “He is a gentleman. That and loyalty are the most important things in the world.”
I frowned at her. “Do you keep a journal?”
Her eyes flashed. “That’s a very private question.”
I nodded. “I know.”
She smiled sweetly. “When I know something is going to be important to me, I make sure I will always know it.”
The voices of my father greeting Lyle and his family filled the hall. My mother finished my makeup and stepped back to look at me. “You look amazing.”
I almost didn’t need to look. The teary-eyed smile told me I looked amazing. But I turned anyway and marveled at what she had done. My curls were soft around my shoulders. The strapless dress sat just tight enough against my breasts and waist. The skirt of the dress was the best part. It hung bulky but soft. I looked like an upside down flower. My pale skin and hair nearly matched the creamy wh
ite of the dress, making my pink lips and blue eyes pop out.
Lifting my fingers to gently touch my face, I whispered, “Thank you.”
She beamed. “You look like magic.”
My eyes darted. “What?”
Her cheeks blushed but her eyes turned cold and frightening. “Never repeat that word. Never forget that you mustn’t repeat it. NO matter what.”
I was stunned still, frozen in terror. “Sorry.”
She shook her head. “I am sorry. Sometimes I forget what you are going to be when you grow up.” She took my hand in hers. “Just try to remember who you were.” She kissed my hand and left the room.
Had the whole city gone mad or had I missed the obvious problems and realities in front of my face all along?
I didn’t know what to make of it, but Lyle walked into my room. Instantly, I felt better.
He stopped in awe. “Wow.”
I smiled. “Wow good or wow bad?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
A soft laugh slipped from my lips. “Yes to which?”
He swallowed, clenching his hands in a ball. “Both, I’m afraid.”
My stomach sank. “Is there something wrong with my dress?”
He nodded. “Yes. You look too good. You’ll make all the other girls feel like less.”
Red heat crept up my face. “You’re silly.”
He stepped toward me. “I’m afraid you make me feel that way.” He bent his face to mine, kissing softly along the very edge of my mouth. “You look perfect.”
My face got hotter. I lowered my face. “You look handsome.”
He did. He wore a suit, a dressy suit like I had never seen before. It was dark but not quite black. Charcoal was the color. His vest beneath it matched my dress perfectly, which I thought was odd. I didn’t think he would be able to match it perfectly, but he had. He was amazing.
He ran a finger down my bare arm. “You alright? After everything you saw and have done so far.”
I nodded. “I feel alright. I don’t feel scared; maybe intimidated, but not afraid.”
He lifted my face, cupping my chin. “I will keep you safe.”
I smiled. “I know.” And I did. He was capable of many great things. He took my hand and pulled me from the room gently. His mother was stunning and his father handsome. They looked refreshed and young. Not like my parents, who were starting to show signs of their age. His parents were shiny and new, like Lisabeth and Frank.
His mother gave me a warm smile, taking my hand from Lyle. “Oh Gwyndolyn, you are picture perfect.”
I didn’t know what that meant, but I smiled. “It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs. Getty.”
“Sarah, please. Call me, Sarah. Mrs. Getty makes me feel old.”
Mr. Getty nodded at me from next to my father. “Hello, Gwyndolyn. I hear congratulations are in order. It’s amazing, someone from this area being selected as a planner. That is the highest designation one can get.”
I noticed a tone that made me uncomfortable. I smiled, ignoring it. “Thank you, Mr. Getty.”
My father clapped his hands together softly. “Well, we should be going. The party is starting soon.”
Lyle offered me his arm. I took it, trying not to squeeze. He was so still and sure, where I was shaking like a leaf and terrified. He walked me to the door. My father opened it, giving me a look I knew not to take lightly. He was worried. I was too.
The walk to the tram seemed weird. Lyle stayed close to me but walked us faster than our parents, who chatted nonchalantly.
“We just need to make it to the end of the night. If we can make everyone believe we are happy to be together and happy to be in the city, we will be fine. The people in the city don’t know us well enough to know if we are lying or not, but our classmates will. You never know if one of them is watching us as their job.”
I looked up at him. “I am happy to be with you.”
He chuckled softly as if he were talking about the weather, “I hope this fake love thing wears off.”
I gulped and tried not to look hurt.
“Just stay calm and take breaths, and if you need to fake love me, it’s okay. Stay on my arm the entire night. I will keep you safe, even from yourself.” His lips turned up into a grin I had never seen on his face before. I shook my head. “I feel like I hardly know you. You seem different. So confident.”
He chuckled. “You don’t know all of me. You will though. I’ve been very good about keeping myself hidden.”
I sighed. “Why me? How did you know they would pick me?”
He bent, kissing my cheek delicately like it were a whisper, instead of a kiss. “I made sure it was you. My father knew what they were looking for.”
I didn’t know what that meant, but we were at the station. Amber rushed me in a stunning bright-red dress. She looked like a vision. Her dark honey-colored hair was pulled up into a twist. Her lips matched the deep shade of red of her dress. Her olive skin and dark-flecked eyes looked dramatic. She had dark pencil around her eyes, accentuating the length of her thick black lashes. She smiled brightly. “You look so beautiful.” I caught the slight watering of her eyes. Her jaw trembled. “Promise me you’ll visit?”
I dragged a finger along her tense cheek. “We’re both moving up in society. You’ll be with the doctors, nurses, and dentists. Nutritionists live only one stop from Lyle’s parents. The houses are nicer and the area is cleaner. They live in better houses than we do now, which are already great. This is a good move for you.”
She sniffled and nodded. I glanced over to her mother, Jenny, and mine embracing. They seemed to be sad and genuine together. There was no fake smile and happy face for the crowd. My mother’s eyes watered the same as Jenny’s did.
I leaned into Amber. “I will make sure you remember me, just the same as now.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
Lyle stepped into our embrace. “You’ll both be in the city for work. You should be able to see each other daily.”
Amber stared at him for a moment. “You look very handsome, Lyle.”
He blushed but I wondered if it was a genuine blush, or if he was somehow able to force himself to do it. The sweet and soft Lyle was an act. He was more like his cousin than I could have even imagined.
Lyle took my arm and then Amber’s and led us onto the tram. His parents sat with us but looked uncomfortable. They might have normally stayed in their tramcar. The one at the very back. Lyle never did. He always rode with the rest of us in this car.
My parents looked excited. I knew it was more like stressed. We stopped at the orchard where my breath was sucked from my lungs. Bran, and a man I had to assume was his father, stepped onto our car. His eyes met mine and then flickered at Lyle’s hand holding mine. His lips turned up into a smile. He put a hand out. “Congratulations on your designation and your pairing, apparently.” All of the feelings I had for Lyle fizzled out. All I could recall inside of me was the feeling of Bran’s lips pressed against mine.
Amber’s eyes narrowed. She tilted her head, giving Bran a sideways glance. She knew him. I nudged her foot with mine and subtly shook my head. Lyle stood, taking Bran’s hand. I noticed the way their knuckles both went white when they shook. Were they actually on the same side or not? I started to get leery. Bran’s father stepped to his brother, “How exciting for you both.” The brothers shook hands. He embraced Lyle’s mother and turned to Lyle. His eyes were almost exactly the same bright green as Bran’s. “Excellent work, nephew.”
Lyle hugged his uncle with true affection. Bran’s eyes never left mine. He put a hand out for me. “I’m Brandon, Lyle’s cousin. You will have to excuse his poor manners.”
I swallowed, standing and taking Bran’s hand. He squeezed tightly. I felt a tremble in his grip.
Lyle wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Forgive me, this is my Gwyndolyn.” He spoke the word ‘my’ with emphasis. I was lost. Had Bran not been helping us? Had this all not been part of the plan? What the hell was going on
? I was done with not knowing, and fortunately, it felt like it was making the fake love I had for Lyle weaken. I shrugged his arm off of me and put a hand out for his uncle. “Please, everyone calls me Gwyn.”
He smiled and I saw it. The truth was in his eyes. He knew who I was, and who I would be. They all knew me far better than I knew myself, apparently. He took my hand in his, swallowing it up with both of his. “It’s lovely to meet you. Congratulations on your designation.”
I smiled sweetly. “Thank you.”
I sat back down and shuffled close to Amber. She gave me a look. Lyle sat but I couldn’t bear to have him touch me. He was lying to me. Something was off. I didn’t need memories to see that.
The tram stopped at the school stop. We left the tram in a massive herd. The cars emptied with siblings and parents of my class.
Beth came running over to us in a navy strapless gown. It was similar to mine but dark and shiny. Her auburn hair was pulled up in a bun with tendrils of hair hanging down. She beamed. “Guess what I got?”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t even.”
She grabbed mine and Amber’s hands. “The hothouses. I’ll be working in the gardens with the vegetation and making certain the vitamins and nutrients are of the best quality and running the apiaries.”
Amber’s jaw dropped. “I’m in nutrition. We may be working close by each other.”
Beth smiled wide. “Will you be moving out with the physicians?”
Amber nodded. I felt a pang of jealousy. They would be living in the same area as each other. I would be in the city alone with Lyle and the liars.
Beth’s eyes shot at me. “Well, what did you get?”
I swallowed hard but before I could answer, Lyle was there. He wrapped an arm around my bare shoulders. “We got the planners. We’ll be superior engineers.”
Her jaw dropped. I watched her face change a thousand different times, when she realized Lyle was mine, and my job was the best we could all get. She smiled, pressing dark-red lips together hard. She swallowed. “That is amazing. Two from our class? What a great contribution to society.”
Lyle looked humble. “We are honored to be chosen.”