by Meg Ripley
Conner.
I put my hand to my chest and tried to calm down before lowering the window.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said.
“It’s fine.” Of all the ways I’d pictured this moment going down…I thought.
I saw you shopping and I…well…I’m sorry.” He rubbed his face. “God, Jessie, I am so, so sorry for what I did, for how I treated you; all of it.”
I didn’t know what to say. In all my picturing of that moment, I never expected an apology, either. I imagined telling him off, screaming at him for hurting me, pleading with him to get better help…
“I don’t even know what to say. I have no excuse for what I did,” he continued. “I panicked. And I handled it so wrong. I miss you. Peyton misses you, too.”
My throat burned and the tears didn’t take long to reach my eyes. I closed them and breathed slowly. This has to be a dream, I told myself. After such a nightmare of a day, I must be hallucinating.
“Jessie?”
His voice was so raw and pained, so I decided to open my eyes. He looked close to tears himself.
“I miss you both, too,” I replied. “But it was horrible to have to leave like that.”
“I know. I’m the worst. Can I…Will you…go out with me? Like, on a date? We’ve never done that, and I’d like to talk to you. To see you again. If you’ll have me, that is. If you can ever forgive me.”
I opened my car door and got out, then put my arms around him in a tight hug. He squeezed me back so hard, it hurt a little.
“Okay,” I said. “I’d like to talk to you. And see how you’re both doing.”
He sagged with relief. “Thank you for giving me a chance. I’ll text you. How’s Friday?”
I thought of my day and how drained I was after working. “How about Saturday?”
“Perfect.”
I gave him a sad smile. “Tell Peyton ‘hi’ for me, okay?”
He nodded and waved as I got back in my car and drove off. When I got home, I texted Nikki.
WTF. You are not going to believe what just happened when I was leaving the market...
16
Conner
I sat across from Jessie at the restaurant table. Somehow, everything I’d wanted to say to her had left my mind. I stared at my hands, trying to think back to what Ezra and I had talked about. I never thought I would have found myself getting romantic advice from him, but he’d actually been a big help when it came to preparing myself for that night.
“How have you been?” she asked after a long silence.
“Okay, I guess.” I had to be honest; I knew that much. I wanted to keep the same level of openness I’d given her that night. “Since I last saw you, I’ve been tearing myself apart over how I reacted. My clan’s been worried about how I’ve been acting in general, and they’re trying to help.”
“Your what? Clan?”
Shit, I wasn’t ready to go there. I would, when the time was right, but I couldn’t start with, ‘Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I can turn into a bear.’
“My group of close friends. I call them my clan.”
She nodded. “That’s a…weird term. But it’s good that you have them to lean on, regardless. I didn’t realize you did.”
“Yeah, they’ve saved my ass more than a few times…” I trailed off, trying to think of the right words to say next. “Look Jessie, I was a complete asshole to you, and I just want you to know how awful I feel about what happened. And after we…I didn’t want you to think I was just using you or that my reaction had anything to do with us sleeping together.”
The waitress showed up at the worst time possible. We ordered, and when she left, I returned my gaze to Jessie.
“Did you think it was because of that?” I asked.
“I honestly didn’t know what to think. I knew that was a possibility; it happens in movies and books all the time. Sleep with a guy and he vanishes. Of course, I didn’t think it would happen to me, but I guess no one ever does.”
“Well, it wasn’t because of that. You know that things haven’t been good for me for a long time; I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit coming at me from all angles.”
“I know. I wish there was a way for you to find peace in the midst of all this. I tried to help you; I really did.”
“That’s the thing. You did help me. That’s why I freaked out. I never let anyone get that close. Jessie, I told you things that my therapist and even my own mother don’t know.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Wow, I’m…honored, I guess. Surprised, I mean, I don’t know what I did to earn that from you, but I’m glad I did and that I was there. I hoped it helped.”
“It did. I told you about my horrible nightmares.”
She nodded.
“But that night we spent together? It was the first time in years that I didn’t have a single one.”
“That’s great. How has it been since?”
I shrugged. “They came right back. But it was nice to have one night without them. At least I know it’s possible. And now I realize it’s you who made it possible.”
“I don’t think I really did anything. Maybe it was finally talking so much about your experience and all you’ve been through that helped.”
I shook my head. “It’s you. I feel safe with you. Comfortable. Like I could tell you any secret in the world and it would be okay.”
Well, almost any secret.
“You can. Whatever happened between us, and whatever we end up being, you can call me. I’ll listen whenever you want to talk.”
She reached across the table and put her hand over mine. My inner bear surged and I wanted to jump across the table and kiss her right then.
“I really want you to come back. I’ve been relying on a nanny service and my friends to help take care of Peyton, but we both miss you so much. Please come back.”
“I have another job,” she said apologetically.
My heart sank. Things weren’t going along with my master plan. I wanted her to come running back to me, but I had to remind myself it was my fault. I sent her away. And it’d been weeks earlier. I couldn’t have expected her to sit around and wait for me to wise up.
I let out a breath. “Well, I’m glad you were able to find something. If anything ever changes…”
She smiled. “You’ll be my first call.”
The food arrived, and for a while, we didn’t talk much. But I still had one thing left to do. I had to make my feelings clear. But how? I couldn’t just blurt them out. I played around with different ways to tell her in my mind.
“You okay?” Jessie asked as the waitress brought the check. “You got so quiet.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not good at this. Maybe we can go somewhere more private to talk?” I’d been feeling exposed the whole time we were there, wondering if anyone had been overhearing me.
“Sure.”
I paid the bill and we walked out to our cars. “Peyton is at my friend Owen’s for the night. Would you like to come back to the house? Just to talk.”
She chuckled. “I guess I could do that.” She flashed me a smile and followed me back to the house.
When we arrived, I got us each a glass of water and sat her down on the couch. “So, is the new job going well?”
“It’s okay; I’m still getting used to it.” She looked down at her glass, tracing the edge with her finger. “You know, I have to admit, not being able to say goodbye to Peyton made me feel terrible. I worried it would be like losing someone else close to her.”
I swallowed hard and recalled that day. “You’re right. It was the worst thing I could have done. She cried. She even yelled at me. Luckily, I have some really great friends that have been helping, but…things haven’t been good. She doesn’t like her new nannies.”
Jessie’s eyes filled with tears. “She’s been through so much already…”
I reached out and wiped a tear away, then let my hand linger on her cheek. “It my fault. I’
m so sorry; I ended up hurting you both so much.”
I dropped my head in my shame, but when I looked back up, her eyes were full of compassion. I couldn’t resist kissing her. It was short and sweet, but I had to let her know somehow that I loved her. I didn’t think I could say it out loud, but I wanted her to feel it all the same.
“I do miss you,” she said. “My job isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. It’s very hard. So hard, I actually kind of hate it.” She laughed. “But I’ve only been there a short time. I don’t think I could just quit on them. The kids I’m supposed to be teaching are very troubled. They can’t keep anyone in that position very long, and I don’t want to abandon them, either. But I’d love to spend time with Peyton. Anytime I’m not working, I can come.”
I nodded. “I understand. I really messed this whole thing up for all of us.”
She put her hand to my cheek as I’d done to her moments ago. “You’re human, Conner. You make mistakes like we all do.”
My bear bellowed at her touch, and the ringing in my ears served as a reminder of why things could never work between us. How the hell could I possibly explain who I really was—or more accurately, what I really was—to her?
“This is a mistake.” I took her hand and pulled it from my face, holding it in my lap. “I’m fucked up—in so many ways you will never understand.”
She shook her head. “What? Conner, stop. I know you have issues. But so do I. Everyone does! I’m afraid of everything. I didn’t even want to leave my tiny home town because it’s all I knew. I’ve been sheltered and allowed myself to be caged in. I can’t be strong and brave like you are every day. I have my own issues. Believe me.”
“You don’t get it. I have secrets that would terrify you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I doubt it. I know you were deployed. I assume you’ve killed or at least shot people. I know awful things happen over there.”
“It’s not just that.”
“Then what is it?”
“If I told you, I’d never see you again.”
“It can’t possibly be that bad. Did you kill someone outside of the military?”
I considered the question. As a clan, we had to take down animals from time to time. Some were shifters. Technically, that was killing people, wasn’t it?
“Sort of,” I admitted.
She breathed out hard. “Have you beaten someone badly?”
I pressed my lips together. “Yes. And of all of this is part of the bigger secret.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Are you some kind of spy or government agent? CIA or FBI? Something like that?”
“No. There is an organization I’m part of, but it’s not government-related.”
Her eyes went wide. “The mob?” she whispered. “Are you in the mob or one of those biker gangs?”
“No. Not quite that…criminal. What we do is more just, I guess. More like when members of the military or law enforcement have to take a life in the line of duty.”
“Well, that’s about the worst I can think of. Unless you’re going to tell me you sell babies on the black market.”
“No.” I gave her an incredulous look. “Nothing evil. I swear. Nothing even criminal, really.”
“This is sounding like the CIA all over again.” She blew out another breath in frustration. “Just tell me. I can’t take this guessing. I’m sure it’s not half as bad as you think it is.”
“Or it’s worse.”
“But I know you. And after our time together, I feel like I know more of you. I can’t see you being bad. Not like that. Not evil. You’d never hurt anyone on purpose, I don’t think. Except for maybe whoever killed you brother, but I think most people would feel that way.”
I pulled my mouth to the side. “I’ve never had to tell anyone this before. I’m afraid it’ll come out sounding insane.”
“Just say it and then explain if you have to.”
“You have to promise that no matter what, you will keep this an absolute secret. Understand that if the public knows about this, it will put a lot of innocent people in danger. Thousands and thousands of lives are at stake. No matter how afraid you are, you have to promise to never tell anyone. Ever.”
“It’s nothing evil, you swear? Because if you’re some kind of serial murderer, you can’t expect me not to tell.”
“I swear it’s nothing like that.”
“I promise. Now what is it?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I remembered what Ezra had said. It sounded stupid now, but I had nothing else to go on and my mind was spinning. I took her hands in mine and squeezed them.
“Just know that I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you. I know this will be hard to hear and if you need time, I get it. It’s okay. You can freak out if you have to, but just promise me that at some point, you will talk to me again. Please.”
“I promise.” She already looked terrified.
“God, this is going to sound fucking crazy.” I took a sip of water and looked deep into her eyes. “You’ve seen movies or read books that have…werewolves in them, right?”
She nodded her head slowly.
“Well, they’re not completely fiction. Creatures like that exist. It’s not exactly like most movies and books describe, but the basics are there. I’m sort of like that.”
She closed her eyes. “Just don’t tell me you’re some kind of sparkly vampire.”
“To my knowledge, vampires don’t exist. But shapeshifters do. People who can become animals and then change back to their human forms. I’m a shifter. I can become…I can become a bear; a huge, furry black bear. I can control it completely, unless I step out into the light of a full moon. Then I have to shift, but other than that, it’s under my control.”
She pulled her hands back. I watched her face to see if she was freaking out.
“You can become a bear. And this isn’t a joke.”
“I would never joke at a time like this. In fact, when have you ever known me to joke at all?”
“Never, actually; but if this is true, how? How do you change into a bear?”
I shrugged. “If you’re asking what made us like this, I don’t know. Some flaw in nature? Some genetic mutation? I don’t know, and I don’t know anyone else who does. We just have to deal with it.”
She stared at the wall for a long moment. Okay, she didn’t seem to be freaking out too badly. Maybe it would be okay after all. I felt the hope flicker but stamped it out quickly; it was far too soon for that.
“What other questions do you have?”
“Are you yourself when you change or do you just go crazy and eat people? Is that why you said you killed people?”
I shook my head. “I’m me all the time. It’s completely under my control.”
“Except during the full moon.”
“In the light of the full moon, I have to shift, but I’m still me. It’s slightly different. More intense, but it’s still me. All the time. I don’t attack people. The people I’ve killed…well, as you can imagine, there are plenty of politics in the shifter world just like the human world. There are different types of shifters, and when someone gets out of line, we can’t just throw them in jail in the same way. We have to keep this an absolute secret. So, sometimes, we have to take the law into our own hands. Judge, jury, and execution.”
She closed her eyes. “I need to see.”
“No way.”
“Conner, you just told me you’re a creature from fairytales. If I’m going to believe it, I have to see it.”
“It’ll freak you out too much.”
“I’m pretty freaked out already, so just do it.”
I sucked in a breath. She was either holding it in or was in shock. Crap. And I thought it had been going well.
“I don’t want you to be freaked out.”
She gave me a surprised expression. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t be?”
“Of course I thought you would. I didn’t think it would go this well, actua
lly. What are you thinking right now?”
“Just that…I don’t know what to think. But I have to see it. It won’t seem real until I do.”
“Jessie, please, don’t make me do this.”
“Conner. Do you want me to believe you? Do you want me to be okay with this or not?”
“Yes. More than anything.”
“Then show me.”
“Okay.” With that, I stood and pulled off my shirt. “Um, shifting rips clothing so we usually strip naked first.”
“Okay. I’ve seen you naked before, so it’s fine.”
“Right.” I pressed my lips together and pushed my shorts and boxers down. I stood in front of her, naked, more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my life. “Just know this is incredibly difficult for me.”
“To shift is difficult?”
“To shift in front of you, knowing what it might do to you.”
She only stared back, waiting.
“Just remember, I promise I won’t hurt you.” I closed my eyes, leaned forward to drop on all fours, and, as slowly as I could, shifted into my bear form. I kept my distance from her, not wanting to make it worse in any way. She breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling fast, and her hands went to her mouth. Tears streamed down her face and she covered her eyes.
I shifted back. “Jessie?”
She shook her head and kept shaking it. “No, no, no, no…this…can’t be…real...”
“Talk to me. Please.”
She kept shaking her head and slowly stood up. “I won’t tell anyone. I promised that. I promised I would talk to you again.” She closed her eyes and tears ran down her face. When she spoke again, her voice wavered and she broke into sobs by the end. “But I have to go now.”
She snatched her purse and ran out my front door. She got into her car and backed up so fast, she almost hit a car driving down the road. As she turned and sped off, her tires squealed, leaving black marks in the road.
I stood there for a long while, staring at the marks left behind. I had expected this. Exactly this. Everything Ezra said was bullshit. They’d been wrong. They’d all been so wrong.