Forbidden Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  “Just as I suspected. Two drunk doctors caring for an unsuspecting female patient. For shame! No wonder it took me so long to get well,” she charged, struggling to control her mirth.

  At that accusation, Joe feigned a serious expression and gingerly walked around her several times, looking her up and down. “What are you doing, Joe?” she inquired.

  “Making certain there’s no permanent damage from our rash incompetence, of course. Can’t say that I’ve ever seen you looking any better or prettier,” he voiced his final opinion.

  She casually laid her right hand over her still tender shoulder injury. She sighed and challenged, “With the haphazard job you did on my shoulder, I shall never be able to wear those provocative, low-cut French gowns. But since I never did anyway, I suppose I won’t miss them,” she sighed.

  She and Joe burst into genial laughter. “You might not miss them, but all the fellows will. It’s probably a good thing you were too young for such dresses when you left that England. With everything else you got to offer, it’s a good thing you won’t be allowed to take such unfair advantage of ignorant men.”

  “Why, Joe Kenny, how dare you imply such a dishonest thing! A woman needs all the help she can manage when it comes to bedazzling the right man. Now I shall have no soft, white shoulders to entice him with.”

  Powchutu had been silently watching the jovial exchange between Joe and Alisha. Unaware they had always teased each other in a similar manner, jealousy flooded him anew. He feared that Joe was making his position as romantic rival known to her. He envied their closeness; feelings of resentment and discontent stormed his troubled mind. He yearned for her to be that carefree and affectionate with him, but she was not. He fretted about his mixed bloods, reasoning that had something to do with her feelings for him. He angrily concluded that Gray Eagle was an Indian and that Joe was… was what? he wondered. With momentary contempt, he decided that Joe was one of those new Americans; he was a white man. When compared with those two, dominant men, Powchutu feared that he was nothing, nothing important to her.

  Alisha tugged at his shirt with persistence. “Powchutu! Wake up,” she joked lightly, calling him from his destructive brooding. “I was asking your opinion about a crucial matter.”

  “What opinion, Alisha?” he asked in a solemn tone.

  She knelt before him and gazed up into his unreadable face. “Is something wrong? You seem so pensive.” A radiant smile lit up her lovely face and entrancing eyes. “Didn’t you hear what Joe said? We’re rich! You and I. Uncle Thad left plenty of money on deposit with Mr. Bigsley in St. Louis. We have nothing to worry about now. There’s money for clothes and food and lodging, even passage back to England,” she rambled on and on in her state of glee, eyes aglow with renewed life.

  “You have money, Alisha. Now you can return to this land you speak about. You don’t need me anymore,” he sadly informed her.

  To Alisha, they had been through so much together that it only seemed natural for them to remain together. Her bright smile and buoyant mood faded instantly. She stared at him in astonishment. “You… don’t want to come with me? But you said we were a family. You said we would leave here together. I don’t understand. My money is yours, too. I couldn’t make it without you. Why this sudden change?”

  Without regard for Joe’s presence, he took her lovely face between his hands and stared down into her anxious eyes. “Do you honestly want me to come with you?”

  “Of course I do! You’re all the family I have left, except for Joe.” Without thinking, she vowed with sincerity, “You’re like a brother to me; I love you and need you.”

  His sudden, sharp intake of air and the look of pain which filled his eyes warned her of her slip. She had not wanted him to learn the truth this way. She had wanted to gently prepare him for this disappointing news. Seeing his hurt and embarrassment, she entreated, “I’m sorry, Powchutu. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I was only…”

  He hastily released her face as if her touch had suddenly burned his hands. He quickly stood up, his feelings obvious to both Alisha and Joe. Yet, his tightly clenched fists were noticed only by the alert and confused Joe. She hurriedly tried to explain her words and feelings to him, but he silenced her attempts.

  “Don’t say anything else, Alisha. Please. By now I can see how you feel about me. I’m a grown man, remember? You’ve already proven love doesn’t kill a person. I think I’ll get some fresh air.” He was trying hard to hide his tormented emotions from both of them, but was unsuccessful. Humiliated by her rejection of him in front of another man, he left the cabin.

  His doleful mood clutched at her tender, aching heart. Alisha stared at the closed door. “That was a very cruel and thoughtless thing for me to do, Joe. If not for him, I would be dead right now. He was the only friend I had at Fort Pierre. He protected me and helped me. I cannot even name all of the things he’s done for me. He’s even risked his life for me. But he wants what I cannot give to any man, not yet anyway. It’s still too soon after Gray Eagle. I wish he could understand.”

  Joe gathered her into his arms and comforted her. In many ways Joe was also like a dearly loved and respected brother. The main difference between him and Powchutu was that Joe accepted his brotherly role, despite his wish to be more than a brother. Powchutu could not. Joe spoke to her as if she were a child. She lay her tearstained face against his leather jerkin and listened to his encouraging words.

  “He loves you, Alisha. He hopes to marry you one day. He has done all those things for you because of these feelings. But, they cannot alter your feelings for Gray Eagle. You love Powchutu like a brother; he loves you as a woman. You want a sibling relationship; he wants marriage. Don’t marry him out of gratitude or pity. It would be tragic for both of you. Perhaps in time you can come to love him in that same special way you loved Gray Eagle.”

  He felt her stiffen within his embrace at the mere mention of his name. “I know you still love him, Alisha. But you can get over him in time. One day you’ll find some lucky young man who will steal your heart away. You’ll marry him and have lots of fat, healthy babies.” He instantly realized his wrong choice of arguments. She violently erupted with fierce denials.

  “Never! I won’t ever marry anyone else. I won’t ever love anyone either. Love only brings pain and suffering. I trusted him; I loved him! He betrayed me and deceived me! I wish he had killed me. At least I wouldn’t have learned of his full measure of treachery and hatred. I wouldn’t have lost our child!”

  For the first time in weeks, she began to weep softly. She had managed to seal off that section of her heart and of her memory until Joe had accidentally re-opened them by mistake. All of the old, restrained emotions came rushing through the ruptured barrier. Joe could have bitten off his traitorous tongue. He sought to find some way to repair his damage.

  “Listen to me, Alisha. You can’t blame yourself for Gray Eagle’s actions. You’ve done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of. My God, you loved him! There’s no crime in loving a man, even if he doesn’t return it. If you hadn’t saved his life that day, you wouldn’t be the woman you are now. Your actions had nothing to do with this. Without a doubt, both of those raids would have taken place whether you were there or not. You’re not responsible for this bloody hatred and warfare. It existed long before you came here; it’ll go on long after you leave. The child is gone, Alisha, but there can be others. Don’t kill all your feelings of love because of what he put you through. Someday you’ll meet another man, one who’ll deserve your love, one who’ll return it. Wait for that man, Alisha. Don’t embitter your heart against life or other men,” he earnestly pleaded with her. “He’s done enough damage to you. Don’t permit any more.”

  She lifted her tear-filled eyes to gaze at him. “But it still hurts so much, Joe. When will the pain and emptiness go away? When will I stop remembering what it was like in his arms? Why did he tell me he loved me if he didn’t mean it? Why didn’t he just stick his knife i
nto my heart; that couldn’t have hurt any more. I was so trusting and so dumb. I believed that the infamous, dauntless warrior fell in love with his English captive,” she cried bitterly.

  “Perhaps he did, Alisha,” came Joe’s startling conclusion. “But perhaps he could not accept what his love for you might cost him. In time he’ll recognize his mistake and great loss. He’ll hunger for the return of his woman to his tepee. How could he not love you and want you, unless he’s a blind, stupid fool? Somehow that description doesn’t seem to fit the indomitable Wanmdi Hota.”

  She was gaping at him in utter disbelief and astonishment. “But why would he want to kill me? Why not send me away?”

  “I think you already know that answer. If he couldn’t have you, then no man would. He’s a proud and possessive man from what I hear. How could he turn the woman he loved and wanted over to another warrior to enjoy? Yet, as much as he desired you and as much as he refused to allow another man to have you, evidently he couldn’t murder you in cold blood. From what I know about him and from what you two have told me, I am positive he did want you. But such forbidden love was doomed from the beginning, Alisha. You’re white, an enemy in the middle of a war. He’s a Sioux warrior, a future chief. Neither of you can change these facts. He must have realized you would never be happy in continued captivity, just as he could never admit to loving a white girl.”

  “You’re saying he could kill me, but not love me? Oh that damned pride of his! Just how valuable is this kind of pride, Joe? Pride…something I haven’t known in a long time, but I will regain it. I’ll never allow anyone to ever take it from me again.”

  She hesitantly continued, “Part of what you said is true, but for his loving me. When you love someone, nothing and no one matters. Love isn’t selfish or destructive. It doesn’t demand your soul or your life. Love is something he will never understand or feel. His heart is too full of hatred to allow any love to enter it. Escape was definitely not in his plans for me. I wonder if he ever went back to see if I was dead…”

  “Perhaps it was his plan, Alisha,” Joe said, stroking her hair. “That could explain why he left you alive. Could be he thought it would be a sign from the Great Spirit if you somehow survived. Indians are very superstitious people. Who can say what he was thinking?”

  “I can: revenge and death to his sworn enemy,” Alisha said adamantly. “I can promise you one thing, Joe: he has taken the last thing from me. I am free of his hold. If you’re right, then I will also be free of him in every way. Once I return to England, this will all seem like some ghastly nightmare during a violent thunderstorm. Funny, but every passing day it seems more and more unreal. If I didn’t carry these scars upon my back and shoulder, I could almost convince myself that it never really happened.”

  The hour grew late, and the scout did not return. Joe and Alisha were finally forced to turn in for a restless, tense night of very little sleep.

  Powchutu did not come back to the cabin until the following afternoon. Alisha lived with the growing fear that he had left her with Joe and had gone on his way alone. As he was entering the small clearing which surrounded the cabin, she sighted his fatigued frame coming toward her. She shouted his name in relief and ran to greet him. She hugged him fiercely and related her fears about his safety.

  “Why did you run off like that? I’ve been worried about you all night and half the day.” The blue smudges beneath her green eyes attested to her lack of sleep; her eyes and voice revealed the depth of her concern and affection. “Please don’t be upset with me, not now. Things are going so well for us for a change. Don’t spoil them, Powchutu. Please,” she implored him with misty eyes and quavering voice.

  She lowered her head in shame and continued, “I know how much I hurt you last night. But I honestly did not mean to. Can you forgive me? Can you try to understand my feelings? You said we are a family. Are you sorry you saved my life and helped me escape?” she asked him coyly, striving to win his empathy and to inspire remorse.

  It worked. He lifted her chin with his hand and stared into her bewitching eyes. “Why would you even think such a thing? Your life and safety are the most important things to me. Of course, I’m not sorry. I’d do it all again if need be. I just needed some time to work out a few things. I understand what you were trying to tell me. It doesn’t hurt any less, but I will try to accept it. Besides, who can say what the future holds for us? As long as we’re together, I can still hope, can’t I?”

  She smiled and hugged him again. “Yes. We can both hope for a better future. I do love you, Powchutu. Not in the same way you love me, or in the way I should love you before marrying you. Perhaps I will some day. In all honesty, I cannot think of any man more deserving of my love and loyalty than you. But I cannot force such feelings to suddenly enter my heart, even if I want them to come.”

  Either her words or his soul-searching during his absence conquered Powchutu’s pride. He readily agreed with her decisions. “Then you will come with me? You won’t leave me alone? We’ll be a real family,” she sweetly said.

  “I’ll never leave your side until you ask me to,” he promised, grinning broadly at her.

  “I would never do that. For as long as I live and breathe, we are family: this I swear to you.”

  He pulled her into his warm embrace and held her tightly for a few moments, desperately wanting to cover her mouth with his, yet not daring to do so. Knowing Powchutu needed this small comfort from her, Alisha did not pull away or stiffen. She relaxed against his hard chest and linked her hands behind his back. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her tantalizing body pressed close to his. It was a struggle to control the turbulent emotions which inflamed his passions.

  In a husky voice he stressed, “Just as long as you know I love you, that I’m here for you when you need me. That’s all that matters for now,” he vowed, hoping he could keep these pledges to her. A distressing thought shoved its way into his tranquility: you have her now; yet, you do not have her at all. He could not decide which was worse, to half possess her or not to possess any of her.

  His senses dulled by his inner turmoil, Powchutu did not take note of Joe’s nearby presence. This moving scene between them vividly registered in Joe’s keenly perceptive mind. He surmised that the scout was craftily manipulating the unsuspecting, artless Alisha into total dependence on him out of Alisha’s sense of gratitude to him. It was clear to Joe that the scout actually did love her deeply and strongly. Yet, it was also just as clear to Joe that she did not return this kind of love. Joe could perceive her loyalty and devotion to Powchutu. He could only hope that the scout would not exploit her emotions.

  “Damn you, Wanmdi Hota!” Joe cursed mutely, too softly to be overheard. “You have no idea what you’ve lost, my koda. How could you reject a woman like Alisha? There isn’t an Indian maiden anywhere who is better suited to you. She loved you, man. Why?” he angrily wondered, just as Alisha had so many times.

  Joe was quick to note a superficial change in the scout. After his return that afternoon, Powchutu professed acceptance of his role as pseudo-brother. Yet, Joe would frequently observe the covert way in which Powchutu studied Alisha while she was busy. There was not any one thing Joe could discern as the problem. What really worried the wary Joe was that he could not guess what the scout was waiting for.

  The next few days, things returned to the way they were. The men worked harder to prepare Joe for the swiftly approaching winter. Alisha mirrored health in body and spirit as she fluttered around the cabin carrying out her own chores. Everything was moving along fine until the day when Powchutu suggested that he and Alisha head out for St. Louis. He and Joe had argued and reasoned for hours. In the end, the decision was placed in her lap.

  She paced back and forth as she considered the arguments from both men. As much as she enjoyed the warmth and safety of Joe’s cabin, if they did not leave soon, they would be stranded there for the duration of the winter. Powchutu had ingeniously reminded her of their prec
arious location. The thought of being confined in that small cabin which was within a few weeks’ travel of the Sioux village was terrifying to her. If they pressed on to St. Louis, she would be further away from this tormenting place with its bittersweet memories and lingering dangers. Powchutu presented her with bald facts; Joe merely offered wise suggestions. Her choice seemed obvious.

  Joe was her dear friend, and he had helped her during a terrible crisis. But her loyalties and considerations lay with Powchutu and her own freedom. Distance and new surroundings could inspire forgetfulness: something she desperately needed. She hated to leave Joe all alone for the winter, but he was accustomed to this solitude, though she enjoyed his company and hated to disappoint him by leaving.

  She finally rejoined the two waiting men. To voice her decision was unnecessary; it was evident in her determined expression. She politely attempted to explain her motives to Joe. He graciously accepted her judgment, but did not agree with it. He kindly offered her his help and hospitality any time she might need them in the future. He even promised to look them up in St. Louis in the spring if they were still there. He could tell how relieved and grateful she was by his not fighting her choice.

  As for Powchutu, he behaved like a child at Christmas. Her decision meant victory for him. He grinned from ear to ear. He could hardly contain his exuberance long enough to make their coming plans. He promptly suggested that they get things ready and leave within a week. Although this seemed too short a time for Alisha, she obediently agreed.

  Joe thought it best not to interfere with their plans, for it might prevent her trust in him. He wanted Alisha to feel that she could turn to him in any crisis. He also wanted to make certain that she understood that he would never judge her. To attack Powchutu’s intentions on the basis of his instinct would force Alisha to defend her friend. If this Powchutu was up to something, Joe would be alerted to it by spring. He informed her of the best and quickest way to reach him in case of emergency. Then he told her that she could expect him to arrive in St. Louis by April.