Life After Love

by K. G. MacGregor

  Eleven thirty. Allyn removed her Bluetooth earpiece and stood to stretch. She was rigid not only about her work schedule, but also her breaks. Her most productive hours were between six and eleven-ish, after which she’d have lunch, shower and walk down to the Pak & Ship to collect her mail. Then it was back to work until about five.

  As she nibbled her salad at the kitchen bar, she caught up with the news of the day on her tablet computer. Bea had sent her a link earlier and she followed it to an article in the Westside Weekly , a neighborhood newspaper that covered community events and local sports.

  There, in living color, was a picture of her in uniform. The photographer had taken it from somewhere over her shoulder, so her profile was barely recognizable, especially since her cap was pulled low over her eyes. The caption gave her away, however. Allyn Teague, playing first base for Pak & Ship in the Ladies Recreation League, readies for the next pitch.

  “Oh, my gosh. I made the paper,” she said aloud. She grabbed her phone and called Bea.

  “Is this Allyn Teague, the world famous softball player?”

  “That’s insane! Of all the pictures they could have run, why on earth did they pick me? I’m just standing there.”

  “Are you kidding? Look how cute you are with that sassy blond ponytail. And all crouched over with your little butt sticking out. That’s why they picked you.”

  Allyn had to admit it was a decent picture, but she was even more flattered by Bea’s characterization. “Cute, huh? I’m supposed to be fierce.”

  “That too. I’m going to blow it up and make a poster for my store. My logo’s plain as day across your back. Do you have any idea how much it would have cost me to buy an ad that big?”

  “At least they spelled my name right.”

  “Wait till you see it on my wall. We’re still on for tonight, right?”

  “Absolutely. Pick you up at six thirty.”

  Dinner and a movie two Fridays in a row. Most people would call that dating. Allyn wanted to call it friendship, but it wasn’t ordinary despite what she’d been telling herself. It reminded her of high school when her days were organized around passing Reagan Fuller in the hallway between classes and sitting with her at lunch. It was only when she fell in love with Melody in college that she acknowledged her feelings for Reagan for what they’d been—a crush that might have turned into love if her feelings had been reciprocated.

  And now she fluttered with that same excitement just from talking on the phone with Bea.

  How could she have a crush on someone when she woke up every day wishing she were still married? Granted, her feelings for Melody weren’t nearly as all-consuming as they used to be, but that was only because she’d been forced to get on with her life.

  What made her connection with Bea unique was how they both seemed to have the same needs and expectations. Bea explained that she’d started dating again a couple of years ago but hadn’t developed feelings for anyone. It either happened or it didn’t, she said, and there was nothing she could do about it.

  Allyn understood that perfectly and agreed with every word. A dozen years had passed since she last played the dating game, but she viscerally recalled feeling anxious about the impression she was making, and the uncomfortable pressure to indulge those who were more interested in her than she was in them. She hadn’t worried about any of that with Melody because there was a spark when they met that drove both of them to be together every possible moment. That’s how she’d known it was love.

  The excitement she felt when Bea called was just like that, a spark that told her Bea was special…but only if she felt it too.

  *

  Bea took a breather after dispensing with the last of six customers who’d walked in within thirty seconds of one another.

  “Somebody has a girlfriend,” Kit sang softly as she returned to her task of restocking the rack of mailing supplies.

  “Oh, for freak’s sake. Dexter, get out here and bite her—preferably on the mouth.”

  “You have to admit, you’ve seen a lot more of Allyn Teague in the last two weeks than you’ve seen of anyone else in the last two years.”

  Bea was momentarily saved by another arrival, a man of about thirty, sharply dressed in a creased suit and tie, who was desperate to get his package to his fiancée overnight in San Francisco. “She celebrates anniversaries for everything. First date, first—” He cleared his throat. “You probably don’t need to hear all the details. Let’s just say I forgot this particular anniversary last year and she didn’t speak to me for a week.”

  “Hmm…anniversaries for everything,” Kit said after the door closed behind him. “It was about two weeks ago you and Allyn went to Summerfest. Got any plans to commemorate that?”

  “My only plan for the weekend is to hire a new employee to replace the one I’m about to fire.”

  “Ouch!”

  The ensuing silence left Bea feeling guilty for being so gruff. Kit and Marta had seen her through the most difficult time of her life. “She’s picking me up after work and we’re going out for dinner and a movie. It’s possible we’ll do something else tomorrow night or on Sunday, but please don’t go setting up a bridal registry just yet.”

  Kit joined her behind the counter and dragged up a stool. “Now see? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

  “It was excruciating.”

  “Because you’re afraid I’m going to tease you about it? Of course I am. I tease you about everything else, so why should this be any different?” Her tone had turned uncharacteristically serious. “I think you’re worried somebody might start running off at the mouth. They might say you don’t deserve to be happy with another woman, not after the way you went off and left Wendy.”

  “Stop it, Kit.”

  “But I happen to know the truth. The person who says that loudest is you. You’ve been telling yourself for three years that you don’t deserve to have another girlfriend…a real girlfriend.”

  There was more truth to Kit’s words than she wanted to admit. “It’s not that simple.”

  “It’s very simple. You need to get on with your life. Wendy wants you to move on, but you think she’s just saying that to be noble. She’s not.”

  Dexter came out of the office and whined, clearly upset by Kit’s scolding tone.

  “Take it easy, boy. She’s only talking to me this way because she’s too old and decrepit to physically kick my ass.” In her head she’d already conceded that her ass probably needed a good kick, and Kit was the only one she’d ever allow to do it.

  “I’m serious, Bea. She talks about it every time Marta and I Skype with her. I know she talks to you too. She always asks if you’re seeing somebody, then she gets frustrated and depressed when we give her the same old news over and over. Marta tried to tell her you just hadn’t met the right person yet, but Wendy thinks it’s more than that. She says you freeze up whenever you think about it, like you’re the one who’s paralyzed.”

  “Oh, crap. The last thing I want is for Wendy to get all bent out of shape over me and my nonexistent love life. She has enough to worry about.”

  “Which is the point, dipshit.”

  If anyone else had talked to her this way, she would have walked away in a huff. The fact that Kit and Marta had Wendy’s confidence forced her to take their opinions seriously.

  “Do you have any concept of how hard it is for me to talk to Wendy about this? We were married. She was the one I was supposed to grow old with, and now she’s asking me why I don’t go out and have sex with other women.”

  “Because she wants you to know it’s okay if you do. She knows the score, Bea. That’s why she divorced you. If you’re interested in Allyn, go with it.”

  Allyn interested her far more than anyone she’d met, but there was more than Wendy standing in her way. “There’s something about Allyn that’s…” It was critical to use the right word and not let Kit extrapolate all the way to the wedding. “I like her a lot. We’re just friends—swear to
God—but I’d like to date her and see where it goes. I’m just not sure she’s emotionally available right now. She’s not over Melody yet. She still talks about her a lot, and if we started dating and Melody came back into the picture, she’d drop me like yesterday’s fish.”

  A new flurry of customers put their conversation on hold for several minutes, after which Bea escaped to her office to prepare the bank deposit. The mundane task did little to distract her from worrying that her ambivalence about dating was upsetting Wendy, and she momentarily considered picking up the phone to put both of their minds at ease.

  But what would she say? That she was finally interested in someone—a woman who was still pining over her ex-wife?

  “Let’s get out of here, Dexxie.” She clipped his leash in place and led him out past the counter. “We’re going to the bank. Then I need to drop Dexter off at home. Call me if you get really busy. Otherwise I’ll be back in about an hour.” She really needed to hire more help.

  Kit followed her to the front door. “Take your time. I’ve got your back, you know. No matter what you do.”

  Bea nodded, fully aware she wasn’t talking only about minding the store.

  *

  They were the last two people in the theater, and Allyn appreciated that Bea didn’t rush her out before the credits rolled. One of her favorite parts—finding out where the film was made—usually came at the very end.

  “Whittier, Alaska. I thought so.”

  “I take it you’ve been there,” Bea said as she stood and stretched, baring several inches of her flat belly as her red cropped shirt crept up from her jeans.

  “About three years ago. We flew up to Anchorage with some friends and rented a car to drive up into Denali National Park. Then we cruised from Whittier back to Seattle down the Inland Passage.” It was a lovely trip, she recalled nostalgically, though she was none too happy about Melody’s idea to spend their entire two-week vacation with Jillian and Tiffany. It irked her even more now to know the three of them had shared a bond that excluded her.

  “Wendy and I had reservations for an Alaskan cruise, but she had her accident the month before we were supposed to go.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  Bea shrugged. “We could probably do it one of these days if she still wanted to. Except I’d have to lock her parents in the basement so I could sneak her out of the house.”

  Allyn experienced a puzzling wave of jealousy at the thought of Bea taking a trip with her ex-wife that would have them sharing a small cabin, maybe even a bed. Were they really only friends now, or had the divorce been merely a legal formality to disentangle their finances for health care purposes? Bea visited her regularly in Vancouver, but on the other hand had also mentioned going out with—

  A horrifying thought entered her head. “Does Wendy know you’ve dated other women?”

  “Yeah, we talk about everything. In fact, she—oh, my God!” Bea clutched Allyn’s forearm as her eyes went wide. Panic. “You didn’t think I’d cheat on her? I’d never do something like that.”

  “No, of course you wouldn’t. I was just…confused.”

  “Trust me, Wendy knows everything I do. I think Kit files a report with her every day.”

  Allyn chuckled awkwardly, since Bea obviously meant that as a joke—one she didn’t exactly get. What was Kit telling Wendy about the time Bea was spending with her?

  There were too many people milling toward the exit to keep probing about matters so personal, so she used the walk to the car to assemble her thoughts. “I’m sorry about how that came out. I didn’t mean to jump to any conclusions or accuse you of anything. The way you talk about Wendy, I guess I don’t understand how your relationship works. In my mind, a divorce means it’s over, at least for one of you.”

  “No, a divorce just means you aren’t married anymore. It doesn’t have to mean your relationship is over. Though ours certainly changed.” Bea buckled herself in and swiveled to face her as much as the seat belt would allow. “Wendy and I still love each other very much. But it’s not romantic love, not like it used to be. It took me a long time to get there, and it hurt like hell to have her let it go so fast. That’s where I was coming from back in January when I said I understood what you were going through.”

  “I’m so sorry about that. I was an ass.”

  “No, you weren’t. You were right in the middle of the worst thing that ever happened to you. I know exactly what that’s like.”

  Allyn wished they’d saved this conversation for another time. It was too poignant for the car, especially in the dark, since she couldn’t see Bea’s face.

  “If Wendy had her way, I’d meet someone else and start a new life. I seriously think she wants that more than anything.”

  “I don’t get it. How can she feel that way if she still loves you?”

  “If you asked her, she’d probably say she wants what’s best for me, and that would be for me to have a full life. But then if you asked me, I’d say it’s all part of her personal guilt trip. She couldn’t bring herself to ask me to take care of her, and she can’t stand to think I’ll go through life alone. That’s the simple answer. It’s a lot more complicated than that…there’s also the issue of how we would pay for her medical expenses, and the fact that her parents never accepted her being gay. I’ve always wondered if getting divorced was one of their stipulations, but she’d never tell me if it was.”

  Allyn snaked slowly through the parking lot in the long line of cars, not minding the snail’s pace at which they emptied onto the boulevard. The drive to Bea’s house would take only five or six minutes and she wasn’t ready for their evening to end, even though it was nearly midnight.

  “What does she feel guilty about? It’s not like she fell on purpose.”

  Bea shrugged and shook her head. “You know how it is. We all believe that part about marriage being for better or worse, in sickness and in health…all that. But Wendy says it’s different when you’re the one who’s sick, especially when you know you aren’t going to get better.”

  Her melancholy tone caused a lump to form in the back of Allyn’s throat. “I guess no one ever knows for sure how they’ll feel unless it happens to them.”

  “She told me outright she felt like she couldn’t hold up her end of the bargain. It wasn’t only that I’d have to take care of her. The hardest part, she said, was she couldn’t take care of me either. She couldn’t be there for me if I needed her, and that made her feel terrible. Once I saw it from that perspective, it made more sense. I hope I would have done the same thing for her, but that doesn’t make it easier to accept.”

  Under those circumstances, letting go was a profound expression of love for both of them. “That’s so sad…but it’s beautiful too. She loves you so much.”

  “Thank you for saying that.” Bea sniffed and blinked a few times, and then laughed softly to signal a change in mood. “It sure makes for some interesting conversations. Nothing like getting the third degree from your ex about your last date—especially when you don’t exactly want to talk about all the…intimate details. But then she knows you so well that you can’t hide anything.”

  “I’m not having that conversation in a million years, thank you.” Allyn had never considered releasing Melody to her new life with Naomi out of a sense of love and wanting her to be happy. Nor was it likely she ever would.

  “Oh, come on. Don’t you want Melody to know every detail about who you date and what you do?”

  “Hardly. I bet she wishes I’d find somebody too so she wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore about what she did. I can’t imagine ever being friends with her like you are with Wendy. Maybe a few months ago when I was willing to take whatever little crumb she tossed me as long as it meant I could still be in her life. But now…some days I’m not even sure I could stand to be in the same room with her. After what she did, I don’t really care if she feels guilty or not. In fact, I don’t even want to know how she feels.” The words tumbled out with th
e usual bitterness. “If that makes me an asshole, so be it.”

  “No matter how things shake out with you and Melody, nobody in their right mind would think you were the asshole. She deserves her guilt, every ounce of it. But you don’t need to spend your energy on making sure she feels it. You know that old saying about living well being the best revenge. That’s what you ought to be doing—living well. Having fun. Enjoying life again.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

  “That is so awesome.”

  “What?” Allyn slowed to a stop in front of Bea’s house, peering through the window to see what she was grinning about. It was several seconds before Dexter appeared at the window, so it couldn’t have been that. “What’s awesome?”

  “What you just said. Not even a week ago you were going on about all the things you were willing to do to get your old life back. Apologize…forgive. You were ready to leave Seattle if that’s what Melody wanted. Now you don’t even want to be friends.”

  “Oh, my gosh…”

  “Don’t look now, but I think you’re starting to get over Melody Rankin.”

  It was true her brooding about Melody had dissipated recently. She had other interests now, and new friends who made her feel better than when she stayed home and agonized over what she’d lost. That hadn’t been a conscious shift, she realized. At no point did she simply decide not to dwell any longer on how Melody had hurt her.

  “I won’t say I’m over her entirely,” Allyn admitted slowly, “but these last couple of weeks have been a lot more enjoyable with you around.” Her feeble acknowledgment didn’t do justice to the urge she felt to be with Bea as much as she could, but she couldn’t articulate what she hadn’t yet given herself permission to feel. Besides, Bea had made it pretty clear she was still struggling to move on from Wendy.

  “I’ll see your enjoyable and raise you a downright fantastic. Honestly, I thought I had enough to keep me busy with Dexter and the softball league, but hanging out with you has put a whole new spin on how I want to spend my time.” Bea smiled sheepishly and raised her eyebrows before looking away. “And on that note, I should stop talking before I say something that gets me in trouble.”