Life After Love

by K. G. MacGregor

  Chapter Fifteen

  “I wish I had your willpower,” Candace said, pointing to Allyn’s plate, which she’d barely touched. “First you order a salad in a place that has the best hamburgers in Seattle, then you hardly eat any of it.”

  “Bea’s taking me out for dinner tonight,” Allyn said. Besides that, she’d picked up another four pounds in the last couple of weeks and was finding some of her new clothes snug.

  “Where are you going?”

  “She won’t say but she told me to dress up. My guess is Bastille because we drove past there last week and I said I wanted to try it sometime.”

  “Oh, Lark and I went there last year for our anniversary. Try the short ribs. They’ll melt in your mouth.”

  Fine dining wasn’t their usual fare, but Bea said it was time to go someplace fancy so they wouldn’t take their relationship for granted. It was special and they deserved to treat it that way once in a while.

  The best part of their date would come afterward. Even though Bea had to work on Saturday, Allyn didn’t, so she planned to spend the night at Bea’s house. It wasn’t until she started staying over on the weekends that she realized how much she missed the comfort of sleeping with someone, of knowing all through the night that she wasn’t alone.

  Candace pushed her sandwich basket aside, leaving her fries untouched. “Lark called last Monday and asked me to meet her at JoJo’s for a beer. I have to admit I was tempted. I wish I could see her again.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I get the feeling we’re at a turning point. She wants to come back but I have to hold the line on getting her to face up to what she needs to do. It’s not easy though, not for either of us. I went from living with somebody and having my whole life wrapped up in hers to being totally by myself. You know exactly how miserable that is.”

  “Boy, do I ever.”

  “The hardest part is knowing I could put a stop to it”—she snapped her fingers—“just like that whenever I wanted to. All I’d have to do is say the word and Lark would come back.”

  Allyn, having gotten the lowdown on Lark’s compulsive lying from Bea, decided not to mention it unless Candace brought it up. She didn’t blame her one bit for breaking up under those circumstances. “And you say I have willpower? If I’d had that chance with Melody, I would’ve caved a million times just to make the hurt stop.”

  “It does hurt but she needs to know I’m serious,” Candace said as she wiped mustard from her fingers. “I’ve never shut the door on her all the way though. I suppose I’d have to if I knew she wasn’t ever going to change.”

  “I left the door open for Melody for a long time. Then one day I met Bea. My feelings for Melody just…poof.” She flipped her hands casually as if tossing powder. “I didn’t close it. It closed itself.”

  “You’re so lucky, Allyn. A lot of people in your situation latch onto the first person coming down the pike just because they need to be with somebody who makes them feel better. In your case, that first person turned out to be a keeper. Bea’s so nice, and she’s cute too. I watched her at the ballpark the other night. It’s obvious how much people like her. That’s a good sign.”

  No matter how many compliments Candace paid to Bea, Allyn still heard a measure of doubt in her choice of words. It was probably therapist-speak, designed to make people question their decisions. “You think it’s possible the only reason I’m seeing Bea is because she makes me feel better?”

  Candace’s face softened. “It’s as good a reason as any. Anyone who’s been through a bad breakup will welcome a port in the storm. That’s only natural. Your port turned out to be a place you really wanted to be. That’s what makes you lucky.”

  Once Candace qualified her remarks, Allyn dropped her internal defenses enough to acknowledge to herself that part of Bea’s appeal in the beginning was making her feel wanted again after Melody’s devastating rejection. She’d reveled in the attention, but her feelings changed dramatically the moment she learned about Wendy. It forced her to acknowledge that their new relationship wasn’t only about Bea helping her move past Melody. Whether it was conscious or not on Bea’s part, Allyn was serving a similar purpose—giving Bea a chance for happiness again after years of grief over the accident.

  Allyn still thought about Melody more than she wanted, and though she rarely made comparisons aloud to Bea, she made them to herself. Bea’s scorecard looked pretty good. She told Candace, “I’m not sure it even matters what brought us together. It feels real to me. I’m happy again. That’s worth everything.”

  *

  Grady Halloran, a fifty-three-year-old victim of downsizing from a bank merger, sat across from Bea’s desk, warily allowing Dexter to sniff his outstretched hand. With his graying hair and glasses, and a soft deep voice, he gave off a gentle vibe. “I haven’t been around dogs much. Both of my daughters were allergic.”

  “He comes to work with me every day. Would that be a problem?”

  “No, he seems pretty laid back.”

  More laid back than usual, Bea thought. Dexter wasn’t accustomed to sharing her with anyone, and though he clearly liked Allyn, he seemed to miss getting all of Bea’s attention. She’d have to take back all those accolades she’d given dogs for not holding a grudge.

  Since she had little experience in conducting interviews and a poor track record on hiring decisions, she’d gotten help from Allyn to prepare a list of questions. Grady had already made a good impression by showing up on time for his interview and dressing neatly. Older workers understood how much these small details mattered. She hadn’t expected the swarm of applications from mature workers for an entry-level retail job, but mergers and takeovers had left a lot of older workers in the lurch. She found his application compelling, particularly his years of customer service experience. “What is it about this job that interests you?”

  “Many things. It’s full-time so it’ll keep me out of trouble. My wife isn’t used to having me under her feet, so if you don’t hire me, maybe you can hire her instead.”

  She smiled and scribbled a note about his sense of humor.

  “I like working with the public. I don’t know much about the postal business, but it seems like it would be easy to learn. Let’s see…what else? I live over on Seventeenth Avenue, so it’s convenient to get here. You won’t have to worry about me not showing up if it snows.”

  “It’s not a lot of money for somebody with your salary history.” But it was a damn good wage for entry-level retail, she thought, designed to attract an employee she could trust to work independently.

  “I don’t expect a banker’s salary. To be honest, I got a nice buyout when they bounced me out, so money’s not a major concern. I just want to be productive…something to keep me in the habit of working till I’m ready to retire for good.”

  Grady was the third person she’d talked to about the job, and by far the most appealing. Only one hurdle left, but it was a biggie. “Grady, you’ve worked a long time. I’m sure you know how important it is for everyone to feel comfortable with their co-workers, and with the atmosphere of their workplace. We’re a gay-friendly shop because I happen to be gay and so is my assistant manager, the woman out there at the counter. If that sort of thing bothers you, this might not be the best place for you.”

  He huffed and waved off her concerns. “I saw that equal rights sticker on your door when I came in. It’s the same one my nephew has on his bumper, and I love him to death.”

  He probably couldn’t have answered any of her questions better, and she smiled and extended her hand. “The hours are nine to six with a lunch hour, Thursdays off. How soon can you start?”

  “You’re not going to check my references?”

  “You worked in the same place for twenty-six years. That’s reference enough for me.”

  “Tomorrow then.” Grady grinned, tentatively brushing the top of Dexter’s head as he stood. “Is it okay with you if I bring him a treat?”

  “If it
’s okay with you to have a new best friend.”

  Grady could turn out to be her best hire ever. Next to Kit, that is.

  She followed him out of the office and introduced them to one another, and while they were chatting, she retreated to call Allyn. “Thanks to all your help, I just hired somebody I might actually trust to run the place with Kit if I take a vacation. Where would you like to go?”

  “San Francisco. How soon can we leave?”

  “I have to train him first, then install a webcam so I can watch the store from anywhere in the world.”

  Allyn huffed. “Doesn’t sound like much of a vacation.”

  “Hey, it’s progress. How’s your day going?”

  “I had lunch with Candace. That was…interesting. It’s never an ordinary discussion when you’re talking to a therapist.”

  “Did she psychoanalyze you?”

  “Not exactly, but she has a unique perspective on practically everything. I’ll tell you about it tonight. I’ll be waiting at your house when you get home.”

  Bea made a silly kissing noise before hanging up, and then sat on the floor and tugged Dexter’s head into her lap. On tap this weekend was a tricky conversation about how depressed he’d become since they’d started spending so much time together, after which Bea would propose they try to plan more things where they could take him along. It would probably sound selfish, but his well-being was important to her.

  Good thing she’d never had children.

  *

  Allyn had cooled her heels while Bea showered and changed, but the result was definitely worth the wait. Who would have guessed Bea Lawson had a little black dress tucked away for special occasions? It was long-sleeved with a straight neckline that dipped in a V down her back, and it tapered from her waist to just above her knees.

  “I’ve worn it to both weddings and funerals. And now I can add ‘out with a sexy date’ to my list. That’s what I call versatile.”

  “Is it really your only dress?”

  “Yes, but please don’t let them bury me in it. I’m saving my Griffey Junior Mariners jersey for that.”

  Once they reached Bastille, Bea guided her onto the bench seat behind the table for two. Allyn was glad she’d made a quick run to Nordstrom for her dress, a turquoise wrap that flared from her waist. Heads had turned as they walked through Bastille, making her feel both pretty and proud.

  “Thank you for coming out with me,” Bea said seriously, clutching her hand across the table. “Not just tonight. After what you’ve been through this last year, I know how hard it must have been for you to take a chance on me—on anybody for that matter—but I’m really glad you did. You have no idea what a difference being with you has made for me. I wake up happy every day, and there were lots of days I thought I’d never be happy again.”

  “Same here.” Allyn loved that Bea never let go of her hand, not even as the waiter took their order. The whole evening so far could have been a script for a romance movie. Pretty clothes, candlelight dinner, tender caresses. “Is there a special reason for Bastille tonight? Not that you need one. You can bring me to this place and tell me how happy you are anytime you like.”

  “It’s always special when I’m with you. I mean that. But I realized the other day that nearly every time we go out, it’s for brats, burgers or beer. I thought it was time I showed you that I know how to treat a beautiful lady.”

  “You certainly do.” In eleven years together, she could count on one hand the number of times Melody had taken her out like this when it wasn’t a birthday or anniversary. Melody’s main excuse was being tired from a whole day at work—as though Allyn’s ten-hour workdays were nothing—and she took for granted the fact that a gourmet dinner magically appeared on her table every night. “I like this. I don’t need it every day, or even every week, but I like it.”

  The waiter returned with a bottle of red wine and Bea performed the tasting ritual with impressive aplomb.

  “Wendy and I got a bad bottle once. It tasted like rancid vinegar. They took it back, of course, but it put us off wine for a while.”

  Allyn envied Bea for how she spoke so openly about her life with Wendy. It wasn’t only the warmth and respect she obviously felt for her former wife, but also the ease with which she dropped references from their past into ordinary conversations. Allyn couldn’t talk about Melody that way because every single memory came through a prism of bitterness.

  “Something wrong?” Bea asked.

  “No, no. I was thinking about how nice it is that you’re able to talk about things you did with Wendy. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there with Melody.”

  “Does it bother you when I do that? I can try not to if you want. I can see how it would be annoying.”

  “It’s not annoying. It’s just…” She sighed and took a sip of wine so she could formulate her words before saying something that might sound insensitive. “I can’t help but make comparisons. You and Wendy versus Melody and me. I wish I could talk about our good times the way you talk about yours, but I can’t because I know how the story ends. My pleasant memories are tainted.”

  There was another comparison that bothered her even more, how she stacked up against Wendy in Bea’s eyes. How did anyone stack up against a quadriplegic saint who’d been to medical school?

  “Our past is part of us, Allyn. What Melody did was awful, but it didn’t wipe out your whole life with her. It took me three years to talk about Wendy without crying. You’ll get there too one of these days.”

  “Candace said something today…in fact, she’s brought it up more than once. I get the feeling she’s trying to tell me something without actually saying it. She swore she wasn’t talking about us, but you know what they say about when the shoe fits.”

  The waiter interrupted with their meal, braised short ribs for Allyn and Dungeness crab cakes for Bea, served on white square plates with brightly colored sauces drizzled around the edges.

  Allyn went on, “She was talking about how some people who’ve been hurt by somebody latch onto a new person with a death grip just because it feels so good to make the pain stop. She says practically anything feels better after you’ve been through a breakup where the other person made you feel worthless, but it means your new feelings might not be real. They’re just a Band-Aid till you get over the other. She didn’t come right out and say that about you and me, but I read between the lines.”

  “Let’s hope she doesn’t charge her clients a lot of money to warn them about being on the rebound. That’s Romance 101. Everybody knows it.”

  Not everyone. Allyn had never been on the rebound before.

  “Nothing against Candace, but I’ll take that with a big grain of salt,” Bea continued. “Don’t get me wrong. She’s nice and I’m sure she knows what she’s talking about, but she’s still a therapist. Her business is dealing with people’s problems. I bet she tries to figure out the underlying issues in everyone she meets. When you’re always analyzing stuff, it’s easy to forget that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

  “What do cigars have to do with anything?”

  “I don’t know. It’s a Freud thing. It means not everything is a symbol of something else. I like being with you because of you, not because deep down I miss Wendy and I’m using you to plug the gap. I hope you feel the same way about me, but I can see how Melody muddies the waters. If Candace is right, though, no one could ever have another real relationship. I’m not willing to accept that.”

  Allyn didn’t need to understand the psychology to know what she wanted, and that included all the wonderful moments she’d shared with Bea. It wasn’t only their lovemaking or being romanced at a nice restaurant. It was Bea holding her hand or texting her in the middle of the day just to say hi. She’d missed having someone care about her, but it mattered that it was someone as sweet as Bea. “It’s true you make me feel good. I can’t help comparing that to how miserable I was before.”

  “You know what I say to that? Hallelujah!
We can’t help where we are or what we’ve been through, but it makes zero sense to question how we feel just because some people think the timing’s off. If you’re worried about things moving too fast, all you have to do is say so. We can slow it down. One night a week, two…whatever. I’m not going to get all frantic about it. ‘Oh, Allyn might break up with me if I don’t latch on to her.’ You’re what, thirty-three years old? And I’ll be thirty-six two weeks from tomorrow.” She cupped her hand around her mouth and whispered loudly, “Which just happens to be the same day as the Mariners’ last home game. Hint, hint.”

  Allyn laughed. “I get the message.”

  Bea set her fork down, leaving half her dinner untouched. “The point is, we have lots of time to work this out. Days, months, years…whatever our timeline turns out to be. In the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with living for today. You make me happy today. I hope I do the same for you.”

  “You do.” It was a simple philosophy, and Allyn appreciated that Bea seemed to be trying to downplay her worries about the authenticity of their feelings for one another. She was troubled however by her casual regard for their future, as though it would work out or it wouldn’t, and the only factor was time. Relationships didn’t happen on their own. They took effort.

  *

  As soon as Grady got up to speed, Bea planned to start taking Saturdays off once in a while so she wouldn’t have to leave Allyn in bed. It was all she could do not to wake her to make love before heading out.

  Keeping her voice low, she scratched Dexter behind the ears. “What’s wrong with you, Dexxie?” He’d barely touched his breakfast, the third day in a row. It seemed he was stuck in a pouting mood no matter how hard she tried to show him extra attention. His last appointment with the veterinarian was only five months ago, but clearly he needed to go again.

  As she finished her coffee, she reread the note she’d been working on for the last hour. In their dinner conversation the night before, she’d meant to convey that she didn’t share Candace’s doubts about their future, but as she lay awake after lovemaking, she played her own words over in her head until it struck her that she’d left something very important unsaid.