With a weighty sigh, she slumped back in her chair and rubbed her face with both hands. “Right before you got to my house, I got an email from Melody. It wasn’t anything…just a note about how she’d heard I was playing softball and how hot it was in Tucson. She wanted me to keep in touch.”
“Humph! I hope you told her to go piss up a rope.”
Allyn pinched the bridge of her nose. “I didn’t tell her anything. I haven’t answered it yet.”
“Yet? You’re actually thinking about responding to the person who shit all over you and didn’t care how much it hurt?”
“This is why I didn’t tell you, Bea. I know all these things you’re saying, but part of me wishes we could be friends or something. At least not enemies. I don’t like hating her. I don’t like me when all I feel is anger and hostility. It takes so much energy. I knew if I told you, I’d be opening the door for you to make all those arguments, and I’d feel bad if I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to keep secrets…I just wanted to be in control of what to do.”
It was several long seconds before Bea finally spoke, her words also punctuated with a deep sigh. “I get where you’re coming from. I’m just angry at her because she’s coming back around to mess with you. After the way she hurt you, I was hoping she’d crawl under a rock and stay there.”
“Part of me wanted that too, but her note made it seem like there was a window for something more civil. It’s stressful to always worry about running into her friends. In a way, I’m dreading volleyball because Jillian will probably be there. Who knows how many others? I don’t want to be some shrinking violet every time I run into those people.”
“You shouldn’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. Anyone who thinks otherwise has a screw or two loose, and you shouldn’t care what they think.”
Though Bea pretended for a moment to give all her attention to Dexter, Allyn knew the discussion wasn’t over. “I haven’t answered her yet. If you’d rather I didn’t—”
“It has to be your decision. I can’t tell you on one hand to go out and make friends with people like Candace so you can be independent, and then turn around and try to bully you into doing something because it’s what I want.” She reached over to grasp Allyn’s hand and gave her a scolding look. “But I don’t like you keeping secrets from me, especially not something like that. I don’t need to know every little thing you do, but I want you to feel like you can trust me when it really matters. I’ll try harder not to always put my two cents in, and I’ll take your side no matter what you feel you have to do.”
Allyn had been right to worry about Bea’s reaction, but wrong not to realize the best solution was to talk out their differences. Honesty mattered a lot to Bea. After the way Melody had treated her, it should have mattered more to Allyn too. And now that she had Bea’s unconditional support, she truly was free to answer Melody any way she wanted.
Unfortunately, she was no closer to knowing what that was.
*
Dressed for bed in panties and a tank top, Bea knelt next to Dexter’s beanbag in the corner of the room to settle him down for the night with a tummy rub. She was encouraged that he’d shown some spark when she turned him out to the backyard. His romp didn’t last long, but she was delighted to see him chase his ball again. She hoped on Monday Kyle would prescribe something to knock out what was a simple infection and get him back to his old self.
It wasn’t only Dexter she had to worry about. Now she also had Melody back in the picture, her biggest fear since she first realized she had feelings for Allyn.
Allyn joined her from the bathroom wearing a long-sleeved satin nightshirt. After their talk about Melody, she’d pushed her way onto the couch and taken over the TV remote control. Three hours of giggling and cuddling through a Golden Girls marathon was the perfect antidote to their doldrums.
Bea tumbled into bed beside her. “That was a great idea you had to chill out and watch something on TV that didn’t require emotional investment.”
“And what about now?” Allyn asked as she tracked a finger around the neckline of her tank top. “Do you have any emotions you might be interested in investing with me?”
“I do.” She guided Allyn’s hand beneath the elastic of her panties and closed her eyes. “Let’s start with trust.”
Allyn slid her body on top and they kissed, a deep, slow kiss that grew more heated until they were trading breaths. All the while her hand continued its languid strokes across the triangle of hair, gradually pushing Bea’s panties to her knees until she rid herself of them.
Cool air enveloped her as Allyn pulled away to strip off her nightshirt before peeling the tank top over Bea’s head and tossing it toward the foot of the bed. Then she pulled up the blanket and drew her long smooth body alongside.
“You’re mine tonight, Bea.” She snaked one arm underneath and with the other began a firm massage. Thigh, hip, side, breast and back again while nibbling not so gently on an earlobe.
Each time Allyn’s hand wandered across her hip, Bea surged upward hoping it would find her. By the time it did, she was dripping with want, and Allyn buried two fingers inside her, then three. “Oh, yes,” she hissed.
Bea opened her eyes to find Allyn deep in concentration, her brow furrowed and twitching in tempo with the hand that moved in and out. She could picture her folds pinching together with each plunge, relentlessly teasing her climax. She wanted to come.
The sliver of space between them allowed her to slip her hand to where it joined Allyn’s. Just the pressure of her fingertip was enough as Allyn supplied the motion with her steady thrusts.
“Oh, that’s it…you’re making me come.”
Her gasp was covered by Allyn’s mouth, and her chest nearly crushed with a mighty hug. As she throbbed around the fingers inside her, she wrapped a leg over Allyn’s hip and tightened their clutch. In that moment, they were sharing so much more than their physical selves, and she felt a desperate urge to cling to Allyn for the strength she’d need to get through the next few days. That’s all she could ask for now.
*
A car door closed and the engine started. Daylight crept through the blinds…eight fifteen by the digital clock. Allyn was alone in Bea’s bed. It was luxury to sleep in on Saturday, especially after starting her Friday at five thirty and ending it well past midnight. She would have enjoyed an even longer slumber had she been in her own apartment.
She wasn’t uncomfortable alone at Bea’s house by any means. She had the run of the place, and even though it wasn’t a rambling ranch or a towering Victorian, it had a cozy back porch with a glider where she could enjoy her morning coffee and catch up with the world on her tablet computer.
After a quick shower, she dumped the contents of her overnight bag onto the bed in the second bedroom. Though technically it was still summer, the weather was turning more toward fall, her favorite season, and she had several errands to run. She liked herself in tight jeans and knew Bea would approve. Her first stop should be at the Pak & Ship to show off a little.
The coffeemaker was set to start with the touch of a button, and when she opened the cabinet for a mug, she was greeted by another envelope containing a handwritten card:
Trust.
Warmth.
Passion.
Pleasure.
Euphoria.
Desperation.
Security.
Trust.
XOXOX Bea
She carried it outside to the porch and read it again, remembering their lovemaking from the night before and imagining Bea as she gave herself over to these emotions. Of all these, it was desperation that was the most vivid. She’d felt it herself, holding Bea tightly as she came down from her climax, not wanting to let her fall.
The strongest though, the one that permeated everything between them, was trust. Bea wanted Allyn to trust her. Even more, to know she was trusted.
She opened her tablet, scrolled to Melody’s email—and deleted it.
Chapter Eig
hteen
“I’m so sorry, Bea. I’m afraid we’re dealing with the worst-case scenario,” Kyle said.
Her hands were shaking so hard she nearly dropped the phone. With tears flooding her eyes, she sank to the floor to hold her poor, sweet Dexter. “So what do we do?”
“The good news is that most dogs respond well to chemotherapy. We can probably get this into remission for a few months and make him feel pretty good.”
She knew the rest from all the information she’d downloaded last week. After six or nine months of remission, the cancer would return. The long-term prognosis was always grim.
“There’s another option, especially if you have financial concerns. It’s perfectly all right to skip the chemo and go with palliative care. Make him comfortable and let nature happen. Sometimes that’s the right choice.”
“No! He’s just three years old. He deserves a lot longer.”
“Dexter’s age could definitely work in his favor with the chemo. We should get him in here and set him up with a plan as soon as possible. You got time this afternoon?”
She made the appointment for two, but couldn’t compose herself enough to pick up the phone again and talk to anyone else, not even Allyn. It was all she could do to hold it together alongside Grady while they tended to a steady stream of customers that kept them busy until Kit arrived at eleven.
“What’s wrong, Bea?”
She explained Kyle’s call and her plans to start Dexter on a sixteen-week regimen of chemotherapy. “Think you guys can handle the shop for a while? I’m going to sit back here with my boy. Call me if you get busy.”
After nearly losing it while sharing the news with Kit, Bea dreaded the call to Allyn. Dexter seemed to sense her anguish, and he growled playfully before laying his head in her lap.
“It’s not fair, Dexxie.” If his disease progressed according to averages, he had about a year, but much of that could be normal. With medication, he’d recover his appetite and energy, even tear through the house again when she walked in.
If she ever left him home alone again, that is.
*
Allyn’s heart broke at the sight of Bea’s swollen face and red-rimmed eyes. She too wanted to cry, but it wouldn’t do for both of them to come unglued. “You should have called me earlier, sweetheart. I’d have gone with you to the vet’s office.”
“I know. It was just one of those things I had to do by myself.” Bea sat on the top step of the back porch watching Dexter sniff the bushes in the backyard. “It was kind of like what you said the other night about getting the note from Melody. I knew I’d have a decision to make when I got there, and I didn’t want to listen to anybody else telling me what to do.”
“What kind of decision?”
“Some people skip the treatment because all it does is postpone the inevitable. It’s going to come back eventually and Dexter’s last couple of months will probably be just as hard on him as if I let him go now.”
Dexter climbed the steps into Bea’s arms and licked her face.
“Judging from how he’s acting right now, I don’t think either one of you is ready for that.”
“I know I’m not. I just want to do the right thing by him. Kyle says chemo for dogs isn’t as bad as it is for humans. There aren’t as many side effects and he should start feeling better right away.”
“I don’t see that as a tough decision at all. You get a few more months with him, maybe a year. That’s a win for all of us.” It saddened her to think Bea had chosen to go alone to the vet. “I would have supported you no matter what you decided. I hope you know that.”
“I do…but I wouldn’t have blamed you for having doubts, since I have a well-deserved reputation for giving up when things get tough.”
“That’s bullshit! Anyone who says that about you is an asshole. That includes you, so knock it off.”
Bea finally cracked a smile, though a sheepish one. “Yes, ma’am.”
Allyn sat next to her on the top step. “Speaking of assholes…I deleted Melody’s note without answering it.”
“You didn’t have to do that for me.”
“I did it for me. Thanks to you, I’ve finally gotten most of that negative energy out of my life. I don’t need to invite it back in. We’ve got Dexter to focus on now.”
“You’re so sweet.” Bea leaned over for a kiss, and laughed as Dexter inserted himself between them. “It’s my weekend to go to Vancouver. I guess I’ll have to break the news to Wendy. It’ll be hard on her too. She loves him.”
“I…can go with you…if you want,” Allyn offered hesitantly. A meeting between her and Wendy was bound to happen eventually. “Ever since you said you wanted me to meet her one of these days, I’ve been worrying about how awkward it would be. Having this weekend be mostly about Dexter might make it easier on everybody.”
“That’s not a bad idea.” Bea grew quiet as she scratched Dexter’s chest and ears, and after nearly a minute sniffed loudly, a sign she was fighting back tears. “I may not be much of a girlfriend over the next few months. I’ll try, but right now I have a feeling I’m going to be selfish. It’s all about Dexter for me. If you want to go out and do stuff with Candace, it’ll be okay.”
“Don’t go planning my calendar,” Allyn said, wrapping her arm around Bea’s shoulder. “I know who the top dog is, and I’m fine with that. As a matter of fact, he’s my top dog too.”
“You’re unbelievable. What did I do to deserve you?”
“You were just being you, and the you I know isn’t selfish at all.”
“I’ll try my best to make that true, Allyn. I promise one day I’ll show you what you mean to me.”
Allyn placed a kiss on her temple. Even if Bea gave all her attention to the ailing Dexter for now, she’d never think of it as selfish. Selfish had another meaning, one set by Melody. It only came to light when she realized how much she’d bent to accommodate her wants and needs. Melody had taken advantage. Bea would never do that.
“I’ll wait for that day,” she whispered to Bea. “But it’s my time now to show you what you mean to me. Don’t be afraid to tell me what you need.”
“This could last for a year,” Bea said. “Are you sure you can put up with me for that long?”
“If it lasts a year, it’ll mean two things. You’ll have Dexter that long, and you’ll have me that long. That sounds like a good year in my book.”
Bea tipped her head so it rested on Allyn’s shoulder. “You know what I thought about last night? I tried to imagine us twelve years from now. If we get to twelve years, Melody will be a footnote. I’ll be the one who was with you the longest, and maybe I’ll get to show you what forever really means.”
It was a sweet thought, but Allyn reminded herself that Bea’s emotions were on overload.
“I’m not saying I want to run out tomorrow and get married or anything like that. When I think about all the relationships I’ve been in, there was a point where I’d stop and ask myself if it could turn out to be the real deal. There were only two times where the answer was yes, and you’re one of them.”
“Whew!” She drew a deep dizzying breath and fanned herself with her hand. When she opened her eyes, Bea had turned to face her, wearing the purest, most honest smile she’d ever seen.
“I love you, Allyn.”
For several seconds she could only nod. Then she pulled Bea’s face toward hers, and in the instant before their lips met, murmured, “I love you too.”
*
Seattle Parks and Recreation had a longstanding prohibition against bringing dogs to ballparks, but nowhere in their rules did they mention community centers like the one in Ballard. If anything, they were dog-friendly, so the volleyball team anointed Dexter its official mascot. He sat courtside on a leash alternately held by Marta and Candace, and enjoyed attention from everyone on the team as they rotated in and out of play.
Bea could look at him without crying now. Allyn had helped her see past the heartbreak of his certain
decline to focus on making him feel like the King of Ballard for as long as he could hold the crown.
A shrill whistle signaled the start of their match as the referee climbed the stand to take her seat above the net.
Team Pak & Ship, wearing the same green Tshirts they’d worn for softball, huddled together for some last words from Coach Kit, who once again enjoyed the game vicariously from the sidelines while complaining about her shoulder. “Forget bump-set-spike. We’re not that good. Just send it back over the net and make them make mistakes. On three.”
They piled their hands in the center and broke in unison on three, with Bea in the center on the back row and Allyn waiting to serve.
Bea studied the lineup on the other side of the net, which included Jillian on the back row. That meant she and Allyn would eventually square off across from one another at the net. “Sorry you were blindsided,” she muttered to Allyn. “I had no idea we were playing Hawthorne Medical Supply until we got here.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Allyn mumbled. “I just want to win.”
Her motivation was on full display, and so too her better-than-average volleyball prowess, which she’d downplayed even more than her softball skills. The moment Bea realized Allyn was eager for the kill shot, she scrambled all over the court to make the perfect set. One point after another, Allyn used every inch of her frame to rise up and hammer the ball into the opposite court so forcefully that no one from the other team dared to go up for a block.
They won the first game 15-4, and huddled at the sideline during the break for Kit’s instructions. “Something tells me we’re going to have a very good season.”
Allyn grinned sheepishly. “I forgot to mention my dorm was the campus champ for three years.”
“I’m moving you and Bea to the front row to start. Let’s keep it going. On three.”
The second game was more competitive, with their opponents scoring eight points in a row while Allyn was rotated out on the sideline. Once she got back in and worked her way to the front row with Bea, they wrapped up the win.
Life After Love Page 16