“I’m sorry. If you want to rant, I’ll listen.”
This was the new Melody, oozing sympathy and compassion. Actually, it was the old Melody, the woman who used to call her from the car on the way home from work because she couldn’t wait to ask about her day. Allyn couldn’t remember when she’d stopped doing that.
“It wasn’t that bad really. In fact, I had a pretty good day.” Two placements and four new clients, thanks to the work habits she’d developed to keep herself busy after Melody left. They were paying big dividends, something she hadn’t seen back in the day when she was structuring her work schedule around taking care of the domestic chores while Melody was at her office. Now she was on pace for a six-figure income, her best year ever.
“The reason I called…I’ve been looking at some apartments online. I thought maybe you could give me some advice.”
Melody went on to describe a rental, an upscale complex less than half a mile away that Allyn had ruled out as too expensive. Unless her new job came with a whopping raise, she was over her head.
Jeremy’s advice after the divorce that she cut expenses was out of concern that her standard of living would drop considerably without Melody’s income, but in fact the opposite had occurred—at least for her. Melody, on the other hand, was probably dead broke, unless Naomi had supported her for the last nine months and allowed her to bank her salary. Money didn’t matter much where love was concerned, but it had a way of asserting itself when things went south. Allyn had no inclination to help her out financially, even though she’d gotten the lion’s share of the profit from the sale of their home. Melody had dug that hole for herself with poor decisions, and she’d have to climb out of it on her own.
She caught the tail end of Melody’s list of amenities and could hear in her voice that she was excited about it. “I looked at that place last year. It’s nice but it was too rich for my blood.”
“It’s higher than most, but it’s the only decent place I could find in that part of town that lets me do a month-to-month lease. I don’t want to be locked into a whole year.”
In other words, she was already counting on them getting another place together soon. “I assumed you’d want to live near the university. You always complained about the traffic.”
“I want to live near you, Allyn. I know it’s too soon for you to let me move in—and your place is probably too small anyway—but I want to be close enough that I can see you every day…so we can have dinner, hang out, watch TV. That’s what it’s going to take for me to prove that I’m the person you married.”
It would be so easy to say yes. Everything would fall back into place and her life would be so tidy. She couldn’t help yearning for what they’d once had, especially when she mentally scrolled through her memories of the times when they’d been close. The cards and photos she’d packed away in her closet told their story. Their love had been real. Deep. Passionate. So why couldn’t she do it?
Lingering anger and distrust. Sure, but Allyn felt certain she could make those go away once she decided to recommit. Something stronger was stopping her.
“Anyway, I’ll be coming back up again on Friday. I’m flying in late and I guess I’ll stay with Jillian & Tiff.” A few seconds passed, a transparent pause to see if Allyn would make her a better offer. “We’re supposed to look at this place on Saturday, maybe a few others. With any luck, I’ll be able to pick one and get started with this grueling process again. Want to come along?”
Tagging along on a rental tour with Jillian and Tiffany was the last thing she wanted to do. She didn’t even want them as friends, not after they’d chosen sides. It was weird to think she might forgive Melody’s betrayal but not theirs. She had nothing to gain from having them back in her life.
She didn’t particularly want to see Melody either, not right now. After a swarm of emails and phone calls since the weekend, all of them filled with apologies and promises, she needed time to process where she was. Melody had already leaped ahead, but she was taking a lot for granted.
The other looming issue was Bea acting as if she didn’t care one way or the other. She had a right to be angry, but not so angry that she was willing to throw it all away. That couldn’t be real love.
Or maybe Allyn was asking for too much compassion from someone who didn’t have it to spare right now. Bea was heartbroken over Dexter and didn’t need the aggravation of Allyn’s ambivalence over how to handle Melody’s return. No one wanted to feel like a consolation prize.
*
Bea knew they’d have a hard time winning without Allyn spiking from the front row, but she never expected to get slaughtered. It didn’t help that everything she touched sailed out of bounds because she hit it too hard, unable to rein in her aggression.
She fished a twenty-dollar bill from the bottom of her gym bag and handed it to Kit. “Here, buy a couple of pitchers of beer on me. I’m going to head on home with Dexter.”
“Come on, it wasn’t that bad.”
They both knew that wasn’t true, but her lousy play wasn’t the reason she was cutting out. She’d gotten a text from Allyn asking her to call. No matter what she had to say, Bea wanted to hear it without sharing her reaction with the whole team.
In a Hollywood romance, she’d have found Allyn on her doorstep tearfully proclaiming her love and renouncing Melody for all time. No such luck, though. She’d have to make do with a phone call.
Bea turned Dexter out into the backyard and twisted off the top of a Heineken. Celebration or consolation. A good lager was suitable for either.
Allyn answered on the second ring. “Hey, thanks for calling me back.”
“I usually do everything a pretty lady asks.” She cringed at how cheesy that sounded. “I know…that was a dorky thing to say.”
“It was sweet, just like you. How was the game?”
“Without our Tower of Terror on the front line, we got our asses kicked.”
“Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure where we stood and I was afraid it would make the others uncomfortable.”
If she’d called two days ago like she promised, she would have known exactly where Bea stood—she wanted it back the way it was before Melody showed up again. The more important question was where did Allyn stand. Bea’s anxiety rose with every second that passed without Allyn saying why she wanted to talk.
Bea decided against telling her she would have skipped the game too had Kit not told her about the message. “We missed you…and I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I still feel really bad about Saturday. I should have at least called you—no, I should have gotten there on time like I said. And the cake…”
“Forget it, seriously.” Just the same, she appreciated the apology.
“I wanted to call earlier but I wasn’t sure you really wanted me to. I thought a lot about what you said and you’re right. It’s not a competition, but if it were, Melody wouldn’t deserve to win. Not after everything she did.”
Bea’s heart would have soared with hope but there was something about Allyn’s choice of words that gave her pause. “So if it’s not a competition, what is it?”
“I don’t know. I’m afraid I’m going to screw around and lose everything. Melody keeps pressuring me, and I feel like you are too.”
“Me? What am I doing?”
“Nothing specific. I just feel like deep down you don’t want to give me time to think about it.”
On the contrary, she was sure if Allyn took the time to really look at it, she’d realize she’d never be happy again with Melody. “Whatever gave you that idea? I never said you had to decide anything right now.”
“You might as well have. You told me you had a bad feeling about it, and you didn’t even want to see me unless I made up my mind right that minute.”
“No, what I told you was that I was going to back off while you figured out what you wanted to do. I don’t want to be left dangling while you go back and forth between us.”
“That’s no
t how it sounded to me. You acted like you didn’t even care. As soon as I said Melody wanted me back, you practically pushed me out the door. It’s like you were insulted that I’d even think about it.”
That was true, Bea conceded, except she wasn’t insulted. She was hurt, and she knew she’d never measure up against Melody. “I told you I loved you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
“Listen to yourself, Allyn. You’re doing to me exactly what she did to you—trying to make this my fault. It’s like you just want an excuse to cross me off your list so you won’t feel guilty about running back to her. If you really cared about me in the first place, you would have told her to get lost already. No way am I going to sit home and wring my hands over what you’re going to decide. ‘Pick me, pick me!’ Fuck that. Save us all the trouble and pick Melody. You can justify it later by saying you had no choice.”
She ended the call and slammed her phone on the table before letting out a frustrated scream so loud her neighbors had to have heard. After four quick breaths, she felt dizzy and went out to sit on the glider, where Dexter joined her to lie at her feet.
Tears sprang to her eyes as he thumped his tail and looked at her mournfully. He was the only creature on this earth she could truly count on to love her no matter what, and he was leaving her too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Bea breathed a sigh of relief to find the circular driveway empty but for the van. Today’s visit would be hard enough without the added stress of knowing the Huangs were upstairs pacing and waiting for her to leave.
For the last two weeks she’d artfully dodged questions about Allyn, hoping it would all blow over and Allyn would realize going back to Melody was a big mistake. Wendy would pick up on her sullen mood and drag all the details out, after which they’d both probably have a good cry. At least Dexter was feeling great.
Krystal showed her into the sunroom where she dropped the leash and allowed Dexter to race across the room. It was always fun to watch their reunion as he stood on his hind legs and licked her face while she cooed about what a sweet boy he was.
“I should hold on to him a little longer so I can kiss you before he does. It’s like licking his food bowl.” After a peck on the lips she clutched Wendy’s hand to her chest. “How are you feeling?”
“How should I know?” they both answered simultaneously, laughing at their familiar schtick.
“We went out yesterday,” Wendy said. “Drove up to Altamont. Had lunch at The Beach House.”
“We should go out too sometime. It would be fun to drive out to Mountain Forest or up to the Observatory. Better yet, you could come with me to Seattle for a few days.” She’d thought about this before, even going so far as to find where she could rent a hospital bed to set up in the living room. With Grady up to speed, she could take time off work.
“I’d like to see your house for real.”
“We could have a big cookout over at Kit’s and get the whole gang to come out. Think we could get The Doctors to agree to that?”
Wendy snorted. “Sure, why don’t you ask them?”
“I’m serious. Krystal can come along so they won’t have to worry about me forgetting to set your parking brake.”
“Maybe I should ask them instead. I can cry. Want to see?”
“Oh, please. You’ve been pulling that one for eight years. No one falls for it anymore.” She tugged the wicker chair closer, making sure to stay in Wendy’s sight line. Then she kicked off her clogs and crossed her feet in Wendy’s lap. “Bad news about Allyn, I’m afraid. Looks like she’s gone back to that sleazebag who cheated on her.”
It came out exactly the way she’d practiced in the car, candid and unemotional. If Wendy knew how dejected she was, she’d feel bad too because there wasn’t anything she could do to help.
“I knew something was wrong,” Wendy said glumly. “You haven’t talked about her.”
“Nothing to say. I was hoping she’d come around, but it’s been about ten days since the last time we talked. Melody got her job back at the UW, so she’ll be moving back to Seattle any day now.”
“That’s just wrong. Allyn loved you.”
“Evidently not enough.”
“So that’s it? It’s over.”
“Appears that way.” At least she hadn’t told anyone else she’d been in love with Allyn, so she wouldn’t look like an utter fool when she got thrown over for the ex-wife. “But I can’t complain, you know. I got an awesome camera out of the deal.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
“I know. I’m just trying not to let it get to me.”
“It should get to you,” Wendy said sharply.
A steady rain precluded her escape into the backyard with Dexter, but even that was preferable to another drubbing from Wendy on why her romantic life was such a disaster. “It’s not my choice, obviously. She wants what she used to have. I understand that, probably better than most.”
“If you’d still pick me over her…you’re crazy as hell.”
Her tone was bitter, and if Bea didn’t know her so well, it might have sounded self-pitying. Instead, it was anger and frustration that she’d steadfastly refused to move on.
“What do you expect me to do, Wendy? Knock her over the head and drag her back to my cave? She wants Melody. End of story.”
“Because you won’t fight for her. You’re afraid to lose.”
There was more truth to that than she wanted to admit. “Losing would suck. At least this way I can keep my pride.”
“Is your pride worth that much?” She was clearly still angry, and she waited two beats for the respirator before she continued, because yelling took more air. “You’re being a chickenshit…just like when I decided…to have the surgery.”
“In the first place, calm down.” She stood and took Wendy’s hand again. It was true she’d been terrified when Wendy insisted on having the surgery in hope of regaining use of her hands, but her fears were ignored. “And about your surgery…not to be too obvious, but look how that turned out. You lost control of your lungs and you nearly died again, so forgive me if I don’t take your advice.”
“It’s all about the reward, Bea. If you lose Allyn…you won’t die…and you won’t be paralyzed. The only risk is your pride.”
“But it’s her decision, not mine.”
“Very noble. Does Melody feel the same way?”
Bea huffed. “She’s probably doubling down. Flowers, candy, the whole nine yards.”
“While you’re sitting on your ass.”
No answer to that except to agree.
“Melody is showing her that she wants her. What are you showing her?”
“That I…respect her. That I trust her to make the right decision. That I…shit. That I can’t be bothered to show her how I feel about her.”
“Yes, that one.” Wendy finally smiled, albeit smugly. “Go see her. She needs to know that you love her.”
Bea sighed and nodded her agreement, grudgingly conceding that it was her pride talking when she told Allyn she wouldn’t “play the game.” She might as well have pushed her out the door. “I’ll go sometime this week.”
“Go now.”
“Right now? We drove all the way up here to visit you.”
“Chickenshit.”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“You’re stalling. Go.”
“You can be such a terrorist,” she groused, even as she pulled on her jacket and grabbed for Dexter’s leash. After a parting kiss, she started toward the door, calling out over her shoulder, “I love you…and I’ll love you even more if you’re right.”
*
Allyn walked again through her apartment to see if she’d left anything undone, any little chore to keep her busy. Weekends were almost unbearable. A steady rain kept her indoors, and with no work to fill her day, she had too much time to mope.
A week and a half had passed since Bea broke things off, and the hurt hadn’t ea
sed at all. No calls, no updates on Dexter. A friendly night out for a movie would have been nice. She’d been tempted to show up at the volleyball game and at least offer her hand in friendship. Then she’d played back Bea’s hurtful words in her head. Fuck that .
In contrast, Melody seemed to be everywhere all at once, calling several times a day, texting, sending photos and links, and writing long, drawn-out emails detailing every facet of her day. Allyn had taken to dodging many of the calls, most of the emails and all of the texts. It annoyed her that Melody increasingly behaved as if their reconciliation was a foregone conclusion. She hadn’t agreed to anything.
At least Melody wasn’t pressuring her to remarry, though she repeatedly said she would prove her love as long as it took for Allyn to take her back. If only Bea had shown her that kind of patience.
She felt trapped by Melody’s attentions. Bea told her she would, and that she’d end up choosing Melody and justify it because Bea had refused to play.
No one ever took responsibility for their choices. Why should she be any different?
She’d fallen into her old habit of not eating, but the moment she realized she was losing weight again, she bought a jar of protein powder to mix with yogurt and orange juice. A scoop of this, a cup of that, a splash of the other. As her blender whirred, another sound caught her attention and she turned it off to listen. A knock at the door.
Sunday afternoon. It couldn’t be anyone else but Bea, and she excitedly raced across the room and flung the door open wide—to Melody.
Clad in a calf-length raincoat with the hood up, she produced a bottle of champagne from one of her oversized pockets. “Guess who officially lives in Seattle again?”
“What are you doing here? I thought you had another week in Tucson.”
“I had a few vacation days and I blew off the rest. Naomi was making it impossible to stay, so I rented a truck and moved everything up here myself. I thought maybe we could drive out to Snoqualmie Falls for dinner.”
She invited herself in and hung her raincoat on the hook by the door, revealing a disturbing coincidence—she was wearing the same brown pinstriped pantsuit and ankle boots she’d worn the day she came home and announced she was leaving. She looked sharp, especially compared to Allyn, who was wearing yoga pants, a Seahawks jersey and bright blue bedroom slippers. Making herself at home, she began opening cabinets in search of wineglasses.
Life After Love Page 22